Ad majorem dei gloriam, AMDG, for the greater glory of God.

Two years

ago, I had no idea what this meant or where it originated from. As someone who

does not identify as Catholic, and is the daughter of two Presbyterian ministers,

being asked to speak about AMDG is intimidating. Now, after embracing Loyolas

Jesuit heritage and identity, I have grown to appreciate the ideas of vocation, social

justice, and care with a deeper understanding and interest.

As a current graduate student and assistant resident director in Mertz Hall, I

have had the joy of getting to be a part of many students experiences and journeys

at Loyola. Every day, the passion, commitment, and enthusiasm Loyola students

bring to campus ignites a fire within me, brings meaning to my work, and helps me

recognize God working through others.

I understand AMDG as a work in progress, in finding and living out your

vocation and purpose. A Scholastic Jesuit that I led an ABI with last year shared a

definition of vocation he appreciated- from Frederick Buechner, a Presbyterian

Theologian: vocation is where your greatest passions meet the needs of the

world. Though your passions may change over time, I see any act an individual

takes that is meaningful, spreads love to others, and works towards creating

positive change, as following and living your life in the greater glory of God.
 I do not want to create the illusion that I have always known or currently

know what my vocation is. What I believed I was called to be has changed so

much in 24 years- from Batman, to an artist, to a teacher, vocation isnt always

clear. Right now, I feel called to work with first-year students on college campuses.

This choice has been guided by the obstacles and challenges I faced in my own

transition to college.

I committed to a university in Indiana. Leading up to leaving for college, I

kept telling myself it was the right fit for me, even when I had a gut feeling it

wasnt. My family, specifically from my moms side, was all from the Indianpolis

area- I would get to be close to them. It would be good for me to live outside of the

Chicagoland area for the first time in my life. They had given me significantly

larger financial aid and scholarship than any of the other schools I applied to. I told

myself I needed to be in a larger school environment- this would be good for me.

This is good for me. I need this to be good for me.

When I finally arrived to campus, I was filled with self-doubt and questions.

Was living in Indiana the right choice? Does my roommate think Im a freak? How

do I introduce myself to strangers? Do I seem clingy? How do I make my eyes and

face not look puffy and red from crying before I go to class? Where is my class? Is

there something wrong with me for not wanting to go to these parties? Is that what

Im supposed to be doing? Is that what socializing in college is? Is what I am

feeling normal?

My depression and anxiety eventually became completely overwhelming to

me. I sought out support from the resources on campus- residence life, the wellness

center, campus ministry- but none of them were able to point me in the right

direction or showed me the care that I needed. I specifically remember talking to

the director of the residence hall I lived in, sharing how lost and stuck I felt- and

her smiling at me and nodding. How devastating it was to me to have someone

respond to my distress in that way- did she even care? Did I really just need to

stick it out, as she suggested?

I did not feel cared for. I didnt not feel supported. I started to find

unhealthy and destructive ways of coping with my feelings, hoping that they would

help me numb myself and adjust. Despite being surrounded by thousands of other

students, I have never felt more alone. I will never forget the phone call I made to

back to my dad mid-panic attack sitting on the floor of my room. I told him that I

couldnt do this. I told him that this wasnt the right time or place for me at this
point in my life. Together, my family and I made the difficult decision that it was

time for me to leave and go home.

I began my unexpected gap year, packing up my belongings and making the

trip back to Illinois. When asked about my gap year now, I often sugar coat it. I

talk about the second half of my year- the parts that I am proud of: volunteering,

traveling, and scooping ice cream at the local ice cream parlor. I want to be

completely transparent when I say that my gap year included some of the darkest

points of my life- I did not see God, I shut out people that I love, I was ashamed of

myself and filled with self-hate. There were days where getting out of bed was an

accomplishment. I immersed myself in social media, sitting in my room reading

about and looking at photos of what my Facebook and Twitter friends were

doing- how great their lives were, reblogging beautiful images and literature on

Tumblr. When I wasnt sleeping, I was scrolling through websites- wishing my life

was as beautiful and perfect as the filtered illusions I thought was a reality.

Having lived in a town where going straight from high school to college was

the expectation- I felt that I had completely strayed from the script I was supposed

to be following. I was embarrassed to reach out to friends for support because I had
strayed from this script. I told myself I was an embarrassment to my family, and

refused to leave the house.

However, the turning point in my gap year and my faith came from a strange

place. Really- this story is strange, but bear with me. One of my fathers clients set

up a meeting for him to visit a psychic named America. My dad was hesitant and

almost didnt go- really? A psychic? I was curious to hear about what my dads

meeting had been like when he returned, and was surprised when he shared that a

lot of the meeting focused on me. My dad spoke about the intention, deeply-rooted

faith, and inspiring ways America spoke- that she knew things about him, my

familys church, and people in his life that he rarely shared with anyone. She spoke

in detail about my gap year and the need for me to be resilient- to keep hope that

things would get better, that my story wasnt over and that it was just beginning.

She then said that Saint Michael was my guardian angel, and had been with me and

would continue to be with me.

I took what he shared with a grain of salt- I knew very little about Saint

Michael and felt anything but resilient. Later that same day, my younger sister and

I were going through my mothers old jewelry box, when I found a badly tarnished

pendant. I cleaned it carefully and realized it was a Saint Michael medal. I quickly
asked my mom where she got this from- she said she had never seen the pendant in

her life. We were all in awe- this couldnt be a coincidence It was clear to me

then that even though I had not been committed to my faith, my faith had

continued to look out for me. Saint Michael was protecting me and God was

leading me to a better, happier place in my life.

My gap year, while unexpected and filled with self-doubt, was an experience

that helped me grow tremendously. For the first time in my life, I did not have the

structure of school. I had time to reflect on a lot of the same things we talk about

on Search: How do I know myself? How has my faith and friendship with God

changed over time- and where do I stand now? How do I see love in action in each

day? And by the end of my year- how was I going to take my gap year experience

and apply it to my future.

I went to Dominican University the following fall, and found a home there. I

knew Dominican would be a good place for me when I went on a campus tour and

saw many students wearing their Kairos crosses- a retreat similar to Search that

had been a transformative experience for me in high school. While there were

obstacles in my transition back to school, I felt cared for, found a community, and
felt welcomed. In particular, living on campus, something that had been so toxic to

me before, had become something I loved.

Over the next four years I became highly involved in anything and

everything on Dominicans tiny campus- and found my work as an RA and

Orientation Leader to be especially meaningful for me in that I could be a part of

creating positive experiences for others that I didnt have during my first transition

to college. Through my work as an RA I quickly recognized the stigmas

surrounding mental health- and how other students and friends I cared about were

suffering in silence. I became more comfortable sharing my battles with depression

and anxiety, and worked to create spaces and conversations where others were able

to share their stories. It was the first time I felt truly called to helping others in this

way. I knew that continuing to work with college students was something I had to

continue to be a part of after I graduated- and that feeling has been affirmed

through my time at Loyola.

I have never felt more alive than I have at Loyola. Between conversations in

the classroom and the interactions I get to have with students on a daily basis- I

look forward to every new day, welcomed by the sunrise over the lake from my

apartment in Mertz. Working in Residence Life and in the largest first-year hall on
campus, there is nothing routine about my work. One day can be calm- filled with

laughter, great conversation over coffee, and crossing everything off my to-do list.

The next day could be filled with tears, being with others during a crisis, and

sitting in a conduct meeting. Regardless, I am able to end each day knowing that

my presence somehow made a difference. I am able to find the joy and love in each

moment in a way that I was blind to before.

Finding this joy was not easy. For me, it was hitting the restart button. It

was recognizing and accepting a major obstacle in my life, and still trying again

even though it was terrifying. It is refusing to accept that one negative experience

would define my future. AMDG is having the courage to take a leap of faith and

trust that things will get better. In a broken world filled with hate, fear, and

injustice, AMDG is the hope that allows us to lift each other up, validate each

others existence, and have the courage and faith to truly be for and with others.

AMDG is a work in progress. Vocation and passions are fluid and can

change over time. For me- it has been using difficulties I faced in my own life and

using those experiences in a productive way, by being with others during an

exciting and scary time of their lives- their transition to college and creating a new

home for themselves. It is through resilience, courage, hope, and faith that I have
been able to find my way through my gap year, to Dominican, to Loyola, and now

into my future. It through resilience, courage, hope, and faith that I believe you

will discover how your passions meet the needs of todays world.

I want to leave you with several questions, as you begin to reflect on how

you see AMDG in your own lives: How do you give back to others? How do you

use the challenges and obstacles in your life in a productive way? How do you see

your faith reflected in your commitments, your work, your education, your future?

What are you passionate about? What does the world need more of? What sets you

free? What makes you feel most alive? How are you living life in the greater glory

of God?