Shalom Bayis

By Rabbi Joshua Flug

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Thank you to Aliza Schulman, LCSW for reviewing the material
I. Introduction- In this shiur outline, we will present Torah sources relating to shalom bayis
using John Gottman's "The Seven Principle for Making Marriage Work" as the
foundation for the discussion. While we will summarize the principles, it is
recommended that you read the book in its entirety because it is only a summary of the
main ideas. However, if you don't have access to the book, it can be previewed here.
You can also read an article that covers some of his research and watch some of his
discussions on these topics.
a. It should be noted that some of the principles are rich in Torah materials and others
do not have as much Torah materials that relate to them.
II. The Importance of Shalom Bayis in Chazal
a. The Gemara states that shalom bayis is so important that if one only has the means of
fulfilling ner Shabbos and ner Chanukah, ner Shabbos takes precedence because it
represent shalom bayis (we will explain this later). {}
b. The Midrash states that shalom is so important that the Torah allows one to erase the
name of G-d (when throwing the name of G-d into the sotah water) in order to create
peace between husband and wife. {}
i. R. Yehuda Loew (Maharal c. 1520-1609) explains that it is not arbitrary that
G-d's name is thrown into the water. Rather, because G-d's name embodies
peace, it is not considered a desecration of His name to erase the name in
order to create peace. {}
c. Avos D'Rabbi Nasan states that one who promotes shalom bayis in his home is
tantamount to one who brings peace to the entire nation and one who brings jealousy
and competition to one's home is tantamount to one who brings jealousy and
competition to the entire nation. {}
III. The Seven Principles
a. Principle 1-Enhance Your Love Maps
i. Explanation- In this principle, Gottman stresses the importance of each spouse
taking interest his/her spouse's life. This includes:
1. Who their friends are.
2. What their hobbies are.
3. Details about their childhood.
4. Favorite foods, vacations spots, etc.
5. What's going on at work?
6. Goals and aspirations.
7. What is a constant concern to the other spouse?
 ii. There is a well known Mishna in Avos that states that a husband and wife
should limit their conversations. Meiri states that this Mishna is not dealing
with matters that are important for the marriage. Rather the message is that
because it is important for a husband and wife to discuss matters that relate to
them, including generalities and details of their lives, they must provide a
proper balance so that they are not distracted by trivial matters. Matters of
significance don't lead to as much distraction as trivial matters. {}
b. Principle 2-Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
i. Explanation-This principle asserts that fondness and admiration are a critical
component to a happy marriage.
1. One should be able to reflect on the marriage's history and put a
positive spin on it. According to Gottman when asked about the
beginning of their relationship (dating, engagement, early marriage) if
a couple recalls their past with fondness and in a positive manner this
indicates that things are going well within the marriage. If a couple
recalls their early in a negative light, this is a predictor that the
relationship is in serious trouble
2. One should continue to perform acts of fondness and admiration.
ii. The Gemara notes that people used to use the words "matza" or "motzei" to
describe their marriages. "Matza" refers to the verse ‫מצא אשה מצא טוב‬. Motzei
refers to the verse "‫ומוצא אני מר ממות את האשה‬." {}
1. The Vilna Gaon (1720-1797) notes that this is not a derasha of the
pasuk, but rather how people referred to their marriages. Why did they
refer to good marriages in the past tense and bad marriages in the
present tense? When things are going well for someone, they fail to
appreciate the continuous good that comes from it and they attribute it
to a previous event. When things are not going well, they are able to
see the bad on an ongoing basis. {}
2. The message one can take from the Vilna Gaon is that a good marriage
is not just a function of the past. One must make it an ongoing process
of finding good in the marriage.
iii. The Gemara states that the Torah provided the niddah period so that a couple's
love for each other after she is pure will be like the day they got married. {}
iv. Rambam (1138-1204) writes that both the husband and wife have an
obligation to honor each other. {}
1. R. Meir Chadash (1898-1989) is quoted as praising the importance of
giving gifts to one's spouse. Gifts are not for the purpose of
appeasement but to show admiration. He suggests that a husband
 should buy flowers and not something that the husband might also
enjoy to show that it is a sign of admiration. {}
c. Principle 3-Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away
i. This principle states that the two spouses must be partners in their spouse's
lives. This includes:
1. Doing things together instead of separately (even mundane matters
such as cleaning the dishes)
2. Helping one's spouse- Being there for him/her, even when it is
difficult.
3. One must be empathic towards a spouse's challenges and really
celebrating his/her triumphs. It is important that one makes one's
spouse really feel that you care and are with them for their ups and
downs in life
ii. There is a hint to this idea in Koheles where it states that one should see life
with the woman he loves. Meaning, one should experience life together, even
the mundane activities (‫)כל ימי הבלך‬. {}
iii. Rabbeinu Tam (c.1100-1171) writes that the mitzvah of onah is to spend time
with one's wife, not necessarily intimacy. He basis it partially on the Gemara,
Eruvin 63b, that one should not sleep in the same room as a married couple,
even when she is a niddah. This means that there is a constant obligation to
spend time together, even when she is a niddah. {}
iv. The Vilna Gaon writes that G-d originally created man and woman as one and
then separated them so that they would long for each other in a way that no
other relative does. The connection between them should be like two halves
trying to complete a whole. {}
v. R. Yosef D. Soloveitchik (1903-1993) writes that the second chapter of
Bereishis deals with Adam and Chavah, not as two physical beings, but as two
lonely individuals who need each other. {}
d. Principle 4-Let Your Partner Influence You
i. In some marriages, one or both spouses are opinionated and not willing to
consider the opinion of the other spouse. This is usually more of a problem
with men. Women who have a harsher startup are less likely influence their
husbands. This principle states that each spouse must give the other spouse
input on decisions and turn to the other spouse for advice.
ii. We find many examples in Tanach and Chazal of wives having an influence
on their husbands (sometimes positively and sometimes negatively):
1. Chava influenced Adam HaRishon to eat from the eitz ha'da'as.
 2. Avraham was told that he must listen to Sarah (‫ )שמע בקולה‬regarding
Yishmael.
3. The Gemara notes that Korach was influenced negatively by his wife
to continue the machlokes and On ben Peles was influenced positively
by his wife to stay away from machlokes. {}
4. There are many other examples.
iii. The Gemara asks when it is appropriate for a husband to be influenced by his
wife and gives two answers: {}
1. Ordinary matters (mili d'alma) are in the hands of the husband. On
matters relating to the home (mili d'beisa), the wife should have the
influence.
2. On spiritual matters (mili d'shmaya) the husband should have the
influence. On physical matters (mili d'alma) the wife should have the
influence.
iv. The Gemara notes that when R. Elazar ben Azariah was appointed the Nasi,
he told them he must consult with his wife before accepting. {}
e. The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict
i. Gottman categorizes marital conflicts into solvable problems and perpetual
problems. Solvable problems are those that focus on a specific subject and
with enough thought, can be worked out in a way where neither spouse is
compromising on any major value or aspiration. Perpetual problems are those
that either have an underling cause of conflict or the dispute is rooted in one's
overall outlook on life.
ii. Both types of conflicts can be dealt with in a way that doesn't erode the
marriage, but when not dealt with properly, one or more of the following can
occur and the conflict can get nasty:
1. Harsh startup- When the conversation begins with words of sarcasm or
criticism, it is an indicator the couple does not know how to deal with
conflict.
2. The four horsemen-These are the four types of reactions that usually
produce a negative interaction (and are a predictor for divorce when
this is the way the couple normally fights):
a. Criticism- a negative general statement that often has blame in
it.
b. Contempt- a negative statement with the attempt of insult; a
global attack on character and personality.
 c. Defensiveness-What defensiveness really says to your spouse
is "You are the problem- not me" or "I do not care about your
problem"
d. Stonewalling- Acting as if you do not hear or care about what
spouse is saying
i. Disengaging
ii. No eye contact
iii. Looks away
iv. Starts another conversation
v. Looks and acts impassive
vi. Ignores spouse
vii. Shuts down
iii. Principle 5-Solve Your Solvable Problems- This is a five step process:
1. Soften your startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be Tolerant of each other's faults
iv. Principle 6-Overcome Gridlock
1. When the problems seem unsolvable, compromises need to be worked
out by getting to the heart of the matter. Spouses need to understand
each other's dreams and aspirations and change the conflict from
something personal to something that they are both committed to work
on.
v. Chazal took a preemptive approach to avoiding conflict by insisting on added
caution in areas that lead to conflict:
1. Ner Shabbos is for shalom bayis in that the light is there so that
nobody trips and blames someone else for leaving something in the
way. {}
2. The Gemara states that one should be extra cautious on financial
matters because it is a leading cause of shalom bayis problems. {}
 vi. The Vilna Gaon comments on the verse (Mishlei 15:18) "‫איש חמה יגרה מדון‬
‫וארך אפים ישקיט ריב‬." He notes that a ‫ מדון‬is the beginning of a conflict and a
‫ ריב‬is conflict that has already erupted. An angry person is going to take a
brewing conflict and change it into a raging battle. A calm person has the
ability to soothe a conflict even if it has already erupted. {}
vii. Rashi writes that dan l'kaf zechus is a key component in hava'as shalom
because one who can be tolerant of other's faults will be able to be peaceful
with others. {}
viii. The Gemara notes that in general, you can resolve disputes through judgment,
but it will not lead to a peaceful resolution. You can also resolve disputes
through peace, but you won't necessarily receive proper justice. The method
which produces peace and justice is compromise. {}
ix. It's possible that the Gemara's split between mili d'alma and mili d'beisa is a
solution to overcome gridlock. When there is gridlock, the husband wins in
areas relating to matters outside of the home and the wife wins on matters
inside the home. [See Meiri who writes that this split is to preserve peace in
the home. {}]
x. R. Shmuel D. Friedman notes that when it comes to mezuzah there is a
machlokes whether they should be placed vertically or horizontally. We place
our mezuzahs at an angle as a compromise to both positions, even though the
compromise doesn't really fulfill either position. R. Friedman notes that the
mezuzah reminds us that when we enter a home, we enter a place that is built
on such compromises. He also notes that in the Tenaim before the marriage it
states "‫" לא זו מזה ולא זה מזו‬, using the same letters as the word ‫ מזוזה‬to
represent this idea.{}
xi. R. Moshe Soloveitchik of Switzerland, (1915-1995) notes that shalom doesn't
mean that everything is perfect and that all positions agree. Shalom means
that there are conflicting views and those with the conflicting views learn to
live in harmony. He suggests that the way to create harmony is by looking at
their shared meaning. {}
f. Principle 7-Create Shared Meaning
i. This principle states that in order for the marriage to be more than two people
living peacefully under the same roof, there needs to a set of common goals
and rituals that define the couple. This is not limited to religious goals. It also
relates to family rituals (the atmosphere of the family dinner, bedtime, etc.)
ii. R. Ovadia Sforno (c. 1475-1550) writes that having common goals and values
is a necessary component of marriage. The Torah states that woman was
created from man and for this reason, a man will leave his home to find a wife
and become one with her. {} Sforno explains that G-d created the woman
similar enough to the man so that it is possible for a man to leave his house
and start a new family by finding someone similar to him so that they can
 work together in all of their activities to complete the creation as if they
were one. {}
iii. R. Shimshon Refael Hirsch (1808-1888) writes that a man cannot fulfill his
purpose in life on his own and neither can a woman. It is only when they
come together and work towards a common goal that they can achieve their
purpose in life. {}
iv. The comments mentioned earlier from R. Yosef D. Soloveitchik and R.
Moshe Soloveitchik also relate to this principle.
 ‫‪ .7‬אמרי נועם ברכות ח‪.‬‬ ‫‪ .1‬שבת כג‪:‬‬

‫‪ .2‬ויקרא רבה ט‪:‬ט‬

‫‪ .3‬נתיבות עולם נתיב השלום פרק א'‬

‫‪ .8‬נדה לא‪:‬‬

‫‪ .9‬רמב"ם הל' אישות טו‪:‬יט‪-‬כ‬

‫‪ .4‬אבות דרבי נתן כח‪:‬ג‬

‫‪ .10‬נעימת החיים עמ' תסח בשם ס' בית ומנוחה‬

‫‪ .5‬מאירי אבות א‪:‬ה‬

‫‪ .6‬ברכות ח‪.‬‬
‫‪Family Redeemed page 33 .14‬‬ ‫‪ .11‬קהלת ט‪:‬ט‬

‫‪ .12‬תוס' יבמות סב‪:‬‬

‫‪ .15‬סנהדרין קי‪.‬‬

‫‪ .13‬ביאור הגר"א משלי ט‪:‬י‬

‫‪ .16‬בבא מציעא נט‪.‬‬

‫‪ .17‬ברכות כז‪:‬‬

‫‪ .18‬רש"י שבת כה‪:‬‬

‫‪ .19‬בבא מציעא נט‪.‬‬

 ‫‪ .24‬שדה צופים נדרים סו‪:‬‬ ‫‪ .20‬ביאור הגר"א ביאור הגר"א משלי טו‪:‬יח‬

‫‪ .21‬רש"י שבת קכז‪:‬‬

‫‪ .22‬סנהדרין ו‪:‬‬

‫‪ .25‬והאיש משה חלק א' עמ' רסד‬

‫‪ .23‬מאירי בבא מציעא נט‪.‬‬

‫‪ .26‬בראשית ב‪:‬כב‪-‬כד‬
‫‪ .27‬ספורנו בראשית ב‪:‬כד‬

‫‪ .28‬חורב עמ' שעא‬