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A'StarWars'virgintellsall
PeterMayhewportraysChewbacca,left,andHarrisonFordisHansSolointheoriginal1977StarWars.(TwentiethCenturyFox)
ByMorganGreene
ChicagoTribune
MAY24,2017,12:05PM
L astweek,ImetwithafriendandItoldhimmysecret.
"I'mgoingtowatchthefirst'StarWars'movieforthefirsttime,"Isaid.
"Oh,soyou'regoingtowatch'Four'?"hereplied.
"No,thefirst."
"Right,butlike,'EpisodeFour'?Andthendotheprequels?"hesaid.
"Sure,"Isaid,notsure,quietlycarryingtheburdenofhavingexistedonthisplanetformorethanaquarter
ofacenturywithouteverhavingwatchedasingle"StarWars"film.
Turnsout,Iwouldbewatchingthefourth.Or,asInowknowit,"EpisodeIVANewHope,"the1977
movie,seenbymostotherbreathingpeople,thatbeganGeorgeLucas'everreigningempire.Iwantedtosee
ifIwouldlovesomethingthatsomanyotherpeoplelove.But,mostly,Iwantedtobeabletotellmyco
workertoshutupthenexttimehepointedtoapictureofthebronzerobotonhis"StarWars"merchand
said,"Thischaracter'snameisabsolutelyFredtheRobot."
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5/27/2017 A'StarWars'virgintellsallChicagoTribune
It'snotthatIgrewupAmishorwithavendettaagainsttheworld'slargestfandom.Everyotherpopculture
sensationthateveryonewastalkingaboutfoundawayintomylife:"HarryPotter,"Pokemon,Beyonce.I
likedscififlicksandlovednerdom.ButlittledidIknow,whileIwasrevelinginworksofartliketherock
opera"JesusChristSuperstar,"IwasmissingoutonthegreatestSpaceOperaofalltime.
Asthe40thanniversaryofthefilmapproached,IclearedmyscheduleonaSaturdaynightandpoppedin
theDVD.AndIstartedtowatchamovie,forthefirsttime,thatIhadalreadyseen.
TherewasJohnWilliams'openingtrumpetfanfarefromschoolband.Theopeningcrawlfrom"LittleShop
ofHorrors."AbandofcharacterswhoexplainedyearsofHalloweencostumes.Bythefinalbattlescene,I
wastransportedbacktotheDisneyStarToursride,whereIquietlysatnexttomyfriendsandnoddedalong
astheymadejokesthatIdidnotunderstand.
Lightsabers?Oldnews.Thoseglowstickswerealloverchildhoodhomes.Andin"ArrestedDevelopment"
withGeorgeMichael'sepicbroombattle.AndinaDrake"HotlineBling"meme.
WhenLukeSkywalkerbecamemistyeyedandsaid,abouthisfather,"IwishI'dknownhim,"Iwantedto
screamattheTV:"Iknowhim,Luke!Iknowyourfather!Andyouwouldtooifyouhadtosufferthrough
yearsofpeoplecroakingoutterribleJamesEarlJonesimpressions!"
It'slikeC3PO(absolutelynotFredtheRobot)says,lookingintothefutureandforeseeingthelackofspoiler
alertsforanyonewhomissedthemoment:"Weseemtobemadetosuffer.It'sourlotinlife."
Whateveryonefailedtomentionwhentheywereshamingmeformy"StarWars"voidisthatitshumoris
closerto"SpaceJam"than"2001:ASpaceOdyssey."UnderageLukewalksintoaspacebarandthena
creatureisdelimbedbyalaserbeamandnoonecares?Wild.AndthenHanSololaserkillsanalienthat
lookslikeitbelongsattheshutteredTimesSquarerestaurantMars2112?Awesome.
ButwhereisYoda?WhyaretheSandPeoplenamedSandPeoplewheneveryoneelsehasacoolnamelike
ObiWanKenobiorJabbatheHutt?WherecanIgetatleastoneoftheseGremlinsinhoodscalledJawas?
WhatarethepreferredgenderpronounsforRebeldroids?
WhyisCarrieFisherperfect?
Asthemoviegoeson,IrealizethatIalwaysimaginedDarthVadersittingonathrone,breathingheavily
andmakingadramaticentranceinthefinalscene.Buttherehewasinthethickofitall,stompingaround
thespacestation,hangingoutinthehallwayandzoomingaroundinhisownlasershootingship.Who
knewhewassuchanaccessibleevilwarlord?
Thedatedeffectsdidn'tbotherme.Iwasmoreconcernedwithwhytherewereonlywhitepeopleinagalaxy
wherealmostanythingelsegoes,likecrossfadestodesertspacevillagesfilledwithgiantdinosaursand
somethingcalledaDeathStar.Spoileralert:Iknowthemorerecentmovieshavewomenandpeopleof
colorinthembecauseoftheempireofthinkpiecesspurredbytheMake"StarWars"GreatAgainbacklash.
IguessI'llhavetokeepwatching.
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5/27/2017 A'StarWars'virgintellsallChicagoTribune
Inthedaysafterthatfirstviewing,Ifeltour"StarWars"saturatedworldclosinginonmelikethewallsin
thattrashcompactorscene.Inoticedamagnetonmydeskthatread,"Cometothedarkside.Wehave
cookies."Iwatched"StarWars"characterssingSmashMouth's"AllStar"inaJimmyFallonmashupon
YouTube.IntheNetflixseries"13ReasonsWhy,"acharactercalledhisfriend"UnhelpfulYoda."Inthe
latestseasonof"UnbreakableKimmySchmidt"therewasan"Aretoo!""D2!"joke.ANewYorkeressay
askedwhetheryou'dratherhaveHanSoloorSenatorPalpatinerunningthings.(I'mgoingtomakeanow
slightlyeducatedguessandgowithHan.)
AsIwaswritingthisinacoffeeshop,akidrodebyonabikewearinganR2D2helmet.
Iassumehe'sseenthemovies.
Ormaybenot.Buthe'llprobablybenostalgicaboutitallonedayeitherway,latchingontoanoddlyfamiliar
worldwherehismadeleinesdippedinteaareimagesofloveableBritishbots,quotesaboutdarkforcesand
Rebelfightersandsoundsfromthatjazzycantinajam.Andifhedoeseventuallywatch"EpisodeIV,"he'll
findagalaxythat'scharminginitssimplicity,agalaxywherethere'srarelyadoubtthatthegoodguyswill
prevailandagalaxywhere,whenyougetmildlyannoyedbysomething,youcanhaphazardlyraiseyour
lasergunandshootsomebeamsoff,HarrisonFordstyle.
Neartheendof"ANewHope,"ObiWantellsLuke,"TheForcewillbewithyou,always."Foralotofus,it
alwayswas.
mgreene@chicagotribune.com
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Copyright2017,ChicagoTribune
Thisarticleisrelatedto:GeorgeLucas,JamesEarlJones
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