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5/27/2017 A'StarWars'virgintellsallChicagoTribune

A'StarWars'virgintellsall

PeterMayhewportraysChewbacca,left,andHarrisonFordisHansSolointheoriginal1977StarWars.(TwentiethCenturyFox)

ByMorganGreene
ChicagoTribune

MAY24,2017,12:05PM

L astweek,ImetwithafriendandItoldhimmysecret.

"I'mgoingtowatchthefirst'StarWars'movieforthefirsttime,"Isaid.

"Oh,soyou'regoingtowatch'Four'?"hereplied.

"No,thefirst."

"Right,butlike,'EpisodeFour'?Andthendotheprequels?"hesaid.

"Sure,"Isaid,notsure,quietlycarryingtheburdenofhavingexistedonthisplanetformorethanaquarter
ofacenturywithouteverhavingwatchedasingle"StarWars"film.

Turnsout,Iwouldbewatchingthefourth.Or,asInowknowit,"EpisodeIVANewHope,"the1977
movie,seenbymostotherbreathingpeople,thatbeganGeorgeLucas'everreigningempire.Iwantedtosee
ifIwouldlovesomethingthatsomanyotherpeoplelove.But,mostly,Iwantedtobeabletotellmyco
workertoshutupthenexttimehepointedtoapictureofthebronzerobotonhis"StarWars"merchand
said,"Thischaracter'snameisabsolutelyFredtheRobot."

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5/27/2017 A'StarWars'virgintellsallChicagoTribune

It'snotthatIgrewupAmishorwithavendettaagainsttheworld'slargestfandom.Everyotherpopculture
sensationthateveryonewastalkingaboutfoundawayintomylife:"HarryPotter,"Pokemon,Beyonce.I
likedscififlicksandlovednerdom.ButlittledidIknow,whileIwasrevelinginworksofartliketherock
opera"JesusChristSuperstar,"IwasmissingoutonthegreatestSpaceOperaofalltime.

Asthe40thanniversaryofthefilmapproached,IclearedmyscheduleonaSaturdaynightandpoppedin
theDVD.AndIstartedtowatchamovie,forthefirsttime,thatIhadalreadyseen.

TherewasJohnWilliams'openingtrumpetfanfarefromschoolband.Theopeningcrawlfrom"LittleShop
ofHorrors."AbandofcharacterswhoexplainedyearsofHalloweencostumes.Bythefinalbattlescene,I
wastransportedbacktotheDisneyStarToursride,whereIquietlysatnexttomyfriendsandnoddedalong
astheymadejokesthatIdidnotunderstand.

Lightsabers?Oldnews.Thoseglowstickswerealloverchildhoodhomes.Andin"ArrestedDevelopment"
withGeorgeMichael'sepicbroombattle.AndinaDrake"HotlineBling"meme.

WhenLukeSkywalkerbecamemistyeyedandsaid,abouthisfather,"IwishI'dknownhim,"Iwantedto
screamattheTV:"Iknowhim,Luke!Iknowyourfather!Andyouwouldtooifyouhadtosufferthrough
yearsofpeoplecroakingoutterribleJamesEarlJonesimpressions!"

It'slikeC3PO(absolutelynotFredtheRobot)says,lookingintothefutureandforeseeingthelackofspoiler
alertsforanyonewhomissedthemoment:"Weseemtobemadetosuffer.It'sourlotinlife."

Whateveryonefailedtomentionwhentheywereshamingmeformy"StarWars"voidisthatitshumoris
closerto"SpaceJam"than"2001:ASpaceOdyssey."UnderageLukewalksintoaspacebarandthena
creatureisdelimbedbyalaserbeamandnoonecares?Wild.AndthenHanSololaserkillsanalienthat
lookslikeitbelongsattheshutteredTimesSquarerestaurantMars2112?Awesome.

ButwhereisYoda?WhyaretheSandPeoplenamedSandPeoplewheneveryoneelsehasacoolnamelike
ObiWanKenobiorJabbatheHutt?WherecanIgetatleastoneoftheseGremlinsinhoodscalledJawas?
WhatarethepreferredgenderpronounsforRebeldroids?

WhyisCarrieFisherperfect?

Asthemoviegoeson,IrealizethatIalwaysimaginedDarthVadersittingonathrone,breathingheavily
andmakingadramaticentranceinthefinalscene.Buttherehewasinthethickofitall,stompingaround
thespacestation,hangingoutinthehallwayandzoomingaroundinhisownlasershootingship.Who
knewhewassuchanaccessibleevilwarlord?

Thedatedeffectsdidn'tbotherme.Iwasmoreconcernedwithwhytherewereonlywhitepeopleinagalaxy
wherealmostanythingelsegoes,likecrossfadestodesertspacevillagesfilledwithgiantdinosaursand
somethingcalledaDeathStar.Spoileralert:Iknowthemorerecentmovieshavewomenandpeopleof
colorinthembecauseoftheempireofthinkpiecesspurredbytheMake"StarWars"GreatAgainbacklash.
IguessI'llhavetokeepwatching.

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5/27/2017 A'StarWars'virgintellsallChicagoTribune

Inthedaysafterthatfirstviewing,Ifeltour"StarWars"saturatedworldclosinginonmelikethewallsin
thattrashcompactorscene.Inoticedamagnetonmydeskthatread,"Cometothedarkside.Wehave
cookies."Iwatched"StarWars"characterssingSmashMouth's"AllStar"inaJimmyFallonmashupon
YouTube.IntheNetflixseries"13ReasonsWhy,"acharactercalledhisfriend"UnhelpfulYoda."Inthe
latestseasonof"UnbreakableKimmySchmidt"therewasan"Aretoo!""D2!"joke.ANewYorkeressay
askedwhetheryou'dratherhaveHanSoloorSenatorPalpatinerunningthings.(I'mgoingtomakeanow
slightlyeducatedguessandgowithHan.)

AsIwaswritingthisinacoffeeshop,akidrodebyonabikewearinganR2D2helmet.

Iassumehe'sseenthemovies.

Ormaybenot.Buthe'llprobablybenostalgicaboutitallonedayeitherway,latchingontoanoddlyfamiliar
worldwherehismadeleinesdippedinteaareimagesofloveableBritishbots,quotesaboutdarkforcesand
Rebelfightersandsoundsfromthatjazzycantinajam.Andifhedoeseventuallywatch"EpisodeIV,"he'll
findagalaxythat'scharminginitssimplicity,agalaxywherethere'srarelyadoubtthatthegoodguyswill
prevailandagalaxywhere,whenyougetmildlyannoyedbysomething,youcanhaphazardlyraiseyour
lasergunandshootsomebeamsoff,HarrisonFordstyle.

Neartheendof"ANewHope,"ObiWantellsLuke,"TheForcewillbewithyou,always."Foralotofus,it
alwayswas.

mgreene@chicagotribune.com

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Copyright2017,ChicagoTribune

Thisarticleisrelatedto:GeorgeLucas,JamesEarlJones

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