ROLES OF MARRIED COUPLES
Getting Married
new responsibilities
Privileges
Changes
Easy
Require work
Getting married brings new responsibilities and
privileges into a person's life.
While some changes are easy, others require
work to be successful.
In his book, Decoding Love (Hay House UK Ltd,
2009), Andrew Trees writes about the
expectations that culture, society and people
place on a marriage.
He explains that in past decades, marriage was
based on a number of factors and love was only
one of these.
An array of economic, religious and societal
forces helped to buttress the marriage from the
outside.
Today, many of these exert less influence and
marriage partners support each other from
inside their marriage.
Andrew Trees writes about the expectations that
culture, society and people place on a marriage
In the past decades, marriage was based on a number
of factors and love was only one of these.
In his book, Decoding Love (Hay House UK Ltd, 2009),
Andrew Trees writes about the expectations that
culture, society and people place on a marriage.
He explains that in past decades, marriage was based
on a number of factors and love was only one of these.
Factors that Influence Marriage
Economic
Religious
Societal forces
An array of economic, religious and societal
forces helped to buttress the marriage from the
outside.
Today, many of these exert less influence and
marriage partners support each other from
inside their marriage
Roles of a Spouse
Best Friends in Marriage
Chat
Play together
Have fun
Go exploring
Best Friends in Marriage
Best friends love to chat, play together, have
fun and go exploring.
They enjoy a good cup of coffee and a lovely
sunset together as much as a day at an
amusement park.
In spite of the differences between male and
female, husbands and wives can and should be
each others best friends.
In earlier years, the husband was normally the
dominant member of the marriage and
friendship was not a high priority.
In todays world, married couples thrive on
cultivating a close friendship with each other.
Next of Kin
Next of kin gives the power to make decisions for
partners when they are sick, unconscious or otherwise
incapacitated.
Next of Kin
By marrying someone, that person becomes the legal
next of kin.
It is a relationship stronger than blood-ties to parents
and siblings and can be an overwhelming concept.
Next of kin gives the power to make decisions for
partners when they are sick, unconscious or otherwise
incapacitated.
Although not a pleasant subject, couples should discuss
what each desires in the way of life support,
resuscitation and organ donation in case the situation
ever arises.
Sexual Partners in Marriage
Sex is a benefit of marriage.
If the couple are faithful to each other, it can bring a
new level of freedom and enjoyment.
Although sex is coupled with intimacy, many people do
not realize that talking is often more personal.
The combination of sex and sharing innermost thoughts
can create a special unique bond between husband and
wife.
Managing Marital Finances
When people marry they are normally
used to handling their own finances.
Now they have a partner to consider.
When people marry they are normally used to handling
their own finances.
Now they have a partner to consider.
They need to work out details such as whether to share
a check account and how to work to a monthly budget.
It is important to allow husband and wife some personal
spending money, even if the budget is tight.

Parents in Marriage
Majority of married couples will eventually
become couples.
Parents in Marriage
The majority of married couples will eventually
become parents.
This is a whole new learning curve as they seek
to fulfill new roles and cope with a demanding
infant.
It is often a difficult time with many
adjustments needed.
However, with family and friends supporting
them, most make it through and adapt to their
new roles with joy.
Hard times come to every marriage but with
understanding and perseverance, couples can deepen
their relationship and learn to love each other even
more.
Marriage is a unique relationship that is continually
growing and changing between a man and a woman.
If spouses are aware of the different roles they play,
they can work on the weaknesses and enjoy the
strengths.
Hard times come to every marriage but with
understanding and perseverance, couples can deepen
their relationship and learn to love each other even
more.
DUTIES OF MARRIED COUPLES
Mutual Duties of Husband & Wife
1. The husband and wife owe each other love.since
marriage is principally a union of heart and
affection. The qualities of this love are:
QUALITIES:
a. It must be genuineexpressed not merely in
word, but in deed;
b. It must be constantit must not be diminished
by time or circumstances, since they take each
other for better or for worse, for richer or for
poorer, in sickness and in health, etc.
c. It must be supernatural &
spiritual.it must have the eternal
salvation of both parties as its purpose, and
must permit of nothing that would be a
hindrance to their sanctification.
2. The husband and wife must be faithful in their love
and devotion to each other, and must avoid everything
that can cause reasonable suspicion or jealousy.This
duty obliges one as much as the other (l Cor. vii. 4).
3. The husband and wife should never forget that the
primary PURPOSE of marriage (have children).
4. The married couple should LIVE TOGETHER in PEACE
AND HARMONY.For every house divided against itself
must fall (Luke xi. 17).
Duties of the Husband
1. The husband should love his wife as a partner
(Coloss. iii. 18).
2. The husband should honor his wife. trusting
her, treating her as a helpmate and not a slave
(i Peter iii. 7).
3. The husband must provide for the decent
support and protection of his wife and family.
4. The husband must bear with the defects of his
wife and charitably correct her when necessary.
5. The husband, by word and example, is bound to
promote the moral and spiritual welfare of his
wife and family.
Duties of the Wife
1. The primary duty of the wife is to obey her
husband in all that is reasonable and not
contrary to the law of God (Gen. iii. 16; Eph. v.
22).
2. The wife should, by her diligence and
cleanliness, by her cheerfulness and amiability,
strive to make her husband happy at home and
in her company; she should find her pleasure in
her home and not in going about
3. By her prudent and economical management
the wife should endeavor to make the best use
of her husband's earnings.
4. It is the wife's duty to train the children in piety
and religion.
Conclusion
1. Married people should remember that their personal
sanctification and the happiness of their family depends
on the faithful discharge of the respective duties of
husband and wife.
How?Both husband and wife should try to overcome
their own faults and failings, while exercising
forbearance toward each other
** These duties cannot be discharged (a) unless the
parties try to overcome, or hold in check, their own
faults and failings, while exercising forbearance toward
each other.
2. Their love for each other be supernatural and
spiritual rather than sensual.
3. To better to fulfill their duties, married people should
be devoted to prayer and go regularly to the
Sacraments
WAYS OF MAINTAINING LOVE & RESPECT BETWEEN
HUSBAND & WIFE
I. Marital Relationships
-the relationship between a LEGALLY married
HUSBAND & WIFE.
Marital Married
- Legally Married
Relationship Connection
- Kinship
- Relatedness
Sigmund Freud
Marital partner choice, as well as marital
relationships, are defined much before marriage
was concluded.
According to Sigmund Fr e u d , the founder of
psychoanalysis, marital partner
choice, as well as marital relationships, are
defined much before marriage was concluded.
Relationship with marital partner is determined
by relationships with parents and
important persons in one's childhood.
Marital relationships are repetitions of
relationships
with parents patterns from childhood.
Two types of marital partnerchoiceFreud (On
Narcissism, Vol. XIV, 1975.)
1. Self loving/narcissistic: self - loving or narcissistic,
when a person's choice of a partner is based either ona
model of a person's own self or on a narcissistic ideal of
what a person wanted to become.
Woman makes narcissistic choice governed by
an ideal of man shewanted to become in
childhood. Choices are made according to:
- what a person was once in the past
- what a person is
- what a person would like to be
- what was once a part of oneself.
Narcissistic type of choice results in ROMANTIC
LOVE. Freud (An Outline of Psychoanalysis, Vol.
XXIII, 1975.) points out that, most
often,narcissistic type of choice according to
Ego - ideal results in romantic love.
One attributes to one's object of love such
qualities and perfection which one would like to
possess.
Prefer more to be loved than to love.
The most narcissistic women are those who are
the most attractive for men, not only because
narcissistic women are usually beautiful but
also because they possess specificstructure of
personal characteristics.
They are full of self sufficiency, personal
narcissism, self appreciation, ready to preserve
their Ego from anything which may minimize
it,which attracts persons with less amount of
personal narcissism
Exactly this is what their attraction is made of.
They want a partner who will give them love
and attention.
Actually, they can be happy only with a partner
who is much less narcissistic than themselves
and who is readyto love and admire them much
more than they are able to return.
They need a partner ready to invest plenty of
libido in his love object
However, there is a way for narcissistic women
to overcome their self love, to separate a part
of libido from themselves and give it to the
object. It happens when they give birthto a
child.
They are ready to love and admire it as they
used to do once with themselves because in
parents' affective attitude towards their
children "their personal narcissism isrevived
and repeated".
2. Anaclictic or incestuous: anaclictic or incestuous type
of a partner choice influenced by fixation onparental
figures.
Incestuous or anaclictic type of partner choice
can be traced back to the earliest yearsof
childhood.
This type of partner choice stems from a child's
attitude to his parents sothat it later chooses its
love object according to its parents' model or of
those who lookedafter it.
It often happens that a young man falls in love
seriously for the first time with a mature
 woman, or a girl with an elderly man in
aposition of authority; this is clearly an echo of
the phases of development that we have been
discussing, since these figures are able to
reanimate pictures of their mother or father.
There can be no doubt that every partner
choice is based, though less closely, onthese
prototypes.
A man, especially, looks for someone who can
represent his mother's picture, which has
dominated his mind from his earliest childhood;
accordingly, if his mother is still alive, she may
well resent this new version of herself and meet
her withhostility." p. 151, 152, Three Essays on
Theory of Sexuality, 1997.)
Freud, (New Lectures, 1973.) points out that if a
girl has remained deeply attached to her father
i. e. if she is still in Oedipus complex phase so
that her partner choice is basedon her father's
model, such choice can guarantee a happy
marriage.
Marriage is a dynamic interrelationship of
husband's and wife's unconscious motives, who
repeat the pattern of family relationships they
knew in their childhood. One's personality
cannot be changed by marriage. Some events,
like a child's birth, can onlyarouse the repetition
of the already known relationship or
unconscious wishes patterns.
Some Special types of OBJECTS CHOICE
The first of them may be termed "an injured
third party".
This is a precondition which means that some
men will never choose as their love object a
woman who is disengaged; in some way, she
must be attached to some other man who is her
husband, fiance or a lover.
If there is someone else who can claim right of
possession to her, she becomes a love object of
the highest value, arousing passionate feelings.
The greater the obstacles to the realization of
his love, the more he will desire and value her.
In some cases this is so essential condition, that
a man will reject a woman unless she belongs to
some other man. She must be unreachable and
a predominant feeling must never be one of
security. This is why a man's love dies out once
all the obstacles are overcome.
"Love for a prostitute" is Freud's term for the
next type of object choice. It can often be found
in conjunction with the first type, which can
also appear independently. The men inclined to
make this type of object choice will never give
their love to a woman who is chaste. They
prefer to choose a woman who is a real
prostitute or whose reputation isopen to some
doubts because there are all sorts of rumours
going round about her.
What is strange about this is that a man's
jealousy is not directed to a woman's husband
but to the men in relation to whom a loved
woman can be brought under suspicion. This
type of object choice is also rooted in the
fixation of tender feelings for a mother so that
it"represents one of the consequences of that
fixation".(p. 169.).
In an adult's consciousness, a mother is
regarded as sacred and morally pure person.
There is a sharp contrast between "a mother"
and "a prostitute". Going back to a man's
childhood, leads to the moment when these
two opposites of "a chaste mother" and "a
whore" occur as unity.
Prefer woman who is a real prostitute or whose
reputation is open to some doubts.
Jealousy is directed towards the men in a
prostitutes life .
For some men, love is an urge to "rescue" a
woman they love. They believe womanneeds
their help, or she would lose her social status or
be completely lost without them.
Types of Marital relationships
1. Marital relationship of "parent - child" type is needed
by a man or a woman with astrong dependence and
need to receive as much love as possible from a
partner, but alsowith unreadyness to return it.
2. "Hostile - dependent" type of relationship is
established by persons who did not satisfytheir need for
security in early periods of life because of which they
became dependentpersons with deeply rooted mistrust
and hostility to other people. Because of similarity these
types of people mutually withdraw and establish hostile
dependent relationships orsadomasochistic balance.
-Marriage is filled by mutual hostilities and
tendency to controleach other. Typical example of such
marital relationships is of a masochistic, helplesswife
and an aggressive husband - sadist, whose aggressivity
can reach a form of physicalattack.Although this marital
type is characterized by hostile atmosphere,
partnersstay together kept by their expressed
dependence.
3. By "extended family rivalry" Aldrich defines these
types of neurotic maritalrelationships which are result
of a couple's unsolved family conflicts or attachments
toparental figures. There are numerous variants of
these types but Aldrich quotes severalmost frequent
ones.
-"Housekeeper Marriage" or a marriage with a
cook, how we roughly translatedAldrich's formulation of
this marital type relationships, is established by men
too muchtied for their mothers, who can give little love
and attention to their wives.
-They marry mainly because of sexual reasons
and treat woman with disdain,underestimating all her
personal qualities and values. Often they compare wife
with theirmother always finding that mother is superior
in everything, and wife is capable only for housework.
4. Marital relation type of "Reversed roles" is
characteristic of men who, because ofunsolved conflicts
with a father, have problems with man role. They either
never marry ormarry persons who did not indentify
themselves with their female role and have
constantneed for rivalry with men. In such a marriage,
roles are reversed, "wife wears trouserswhile man has
an apron". Balance is kept as long as certain factors
appear which mayprovoke husband's need to confirm
his masculinity or wife's - her femininity
Conclusion
From everything stated it can be concluded that
psychoanalytic concept of marital
relationships is characterized by following:
1. Marital partner choice and relationships are
determined by relationships from thepast, childhood,
and most often represent repetition of relationships
with, for a child,important persons from childhood. One
person's past i.e. childhood is important formarital
partner choice because according to psychoanalytic
concept, a person's characterstructure is mainly formed
in childhood.
2. A person is mainly unaware of the needs which lead
to certain partner type, anddynamics of marital
relationships is defined by unconscious needs.
When a person has an impression that a partner is
chosen by free will, one is unawareof how much one's
"free will" is determined by unconscious mechanisms
andrelationships from the past.
3. In all further attempts of partner choice a person
repeats same type of partnerchoice and maintains same
kinds of relationships even when they do not bring
personalhappiness and pleasure.
The same choice and relationships of interaction are
repeated in all further marriages and partner
relationships.
Knight Aldrich emphasizes that harmonious marital
relationships assume two peoplesharing problems and
responsibility, mutually respecting each other, trust
each other,ready mutually to give love and protection
while preserving personal integrity at the sametime.
Happy childhood and harmonious family relationships
which enable undisturbedemotional development are
good preparation for harmonious marital relationships
SEXUAL ADJUSTMENTS IN MARRIAGE
EXPECTATIONS: What do you think marriage will be
like?Sex tends to take on a "forbidden fruit" excitement
before marriage, which loses someof the appeal after it
is legal and accepted.
IMPORTANCE OF SEX IN MARRIAGE
Sexual intimacy gives couples a level of closeness and
loving intimacy they may notreach any other way.
For the most part, the quality of a marriage is reflected
in the quality of the sexualrelationship.
Although there is a strong relationship between the
sexual side of amarriage and the overall happiness of
the marriage, sex is not the most important thingin
marriage. However, sexual frustration makes
sympathetic understanding difficult.
VARIETY OF NEEDS
One partner usually has a stronger sex drive than the
other. Biological basis for the sexdrive, is hormonal.
Hormones are secreted into the bloodstream and sexual
tensionbuilds up, then a release is sought. The
hormonal release is more constant in males, more
cyclical in females.Desired frequency may be different
for men than for women. On the average, men seek
sexual relations in marriage 7 times as often as their
wives. The average frequency is 2-3 times per
week;however, there is great variation among couples.
Social conditioning affects the sex drive.
Girls are usually taught to be more inhibited sexually,
prior to marriage. However, once the wedding is over,
the rules change. She is now supposed to be passionate
and seductive. This adjustment takes time andpatience.
Early in marriage, men may feel uncertainty,
awkwardness, excessive sexual tension,and pressure to
perform. Both men and women may feel uncertain
about the inadequaciesof their bodies. (breasts or
penises too small, overweight, etc.). However,
rememberperfection is impossible and a good sex life
causes one to forgive many things.
One partner may feel that sex is appropriate
anytime once they are married, while theother partner
may have a list of inappropriate times (not during the
day, not at a parents'home, not when the kids are
awake, etc.).
SEX IS COMMUNICATION
Unexpressed resentment in any part of a marriage often
shows up in the sexualrelationship.
The best solution is to express feelings to each other as
quickly asproblems arise. Do not let problems build
walls between you and your partner.
Men and women are not the same in what they find
pleasurable.
Since no one can read minds, if one wants to be
understood, it is his/her responsibility to
communicatewith his/her partner. Compromise and
negotiation are usually needed.
Sex is most rewarding when it is part of a
caring, enduring relationship.Affection, respect, and
trust are the most important parts of a good
sexualrelationship.
Some reasons newly married couples may find it
difficult to enjoy sex after marriage are listed below:
1. The female is a virgin and finds intercourse to be
uncomfortable for a shortperiod of time.
2. The couple has different ideas of what romance is
and the effect it has ontheir intimate relationships.
3. The couple is uncomfortable talking about sexuality
and assume that the otherperson is equipped with mind-
reading abilities and knows what the other onelikes or
wants
Intimacy is only one aspect of a happy marriage. The
transition from abstinence toactivity may be eased by:
1. Seeing physicians and having complete physicals
before marriage.
2. Discussing intimacy with your parents, religious
leaders, or a counselor.
3. Know your religious beliefs concerning intimacy.
4. Talk openly to your spouse about feelings and
expectations.
Sexual relationship is just like other
relationshipsometimes it will be good andsometimes
it will be bad.
The key to success is good communication and
a desire toresolve problems. If spouses are unable to
resolve problems on your own, itmay be appropriate to
seek a good marriage counselor. Discussing private
details of marriage with parents, family, or friends can
cause irreparable damage to the relationship of
husband and wife.
Power, Decision Making & Communication
Legal or official
authority
capacity
right
Possession of
control
influence
Blood and Wolfe (1960), in their classic work,
found the power position to be the most important
aspect of family structure; where power was defined as
the potential ability of one partner to influence the
other's behavior.
Blood and Wolfe found that the partner who
contributes the greater amount of resources to the
marriage (where a resource is defined as anything that
can be transmitted to the other to help the latter satisfy
his/her needs or attain her/his goals), the greater the
power of that individual over the other.These authors
found the relative power of one spouse over the other
varied as a function of product type (e.g., husbands
were more influential in decisions related to the car and
career whereas wives were more influential in decisions
related to food budgeting).
Decision making can be regarded as the mental
processes (cognitive process) resulting in the selection
of a course of action among several alternative
scenarios. Every decision making process produces a
final choice.The output can be an action or an opinion
of choice.
Interest in couple decision making also has a
research history in clinical and social psychology.
 One outgrowth of that interest has been the
development of coding schemes to record the
exchanges between two (or more) people.
Bales (1950) provided an early effort in the use of a
coding scheme to categorize the interaction among
group members, That scheme (described as the
Interaction Process Analysis) used an instrumental and
expressive dimension as the bases for the 12 categories
in the IPA. Several researchers (e.g., Waxler and Mishler
1965; Winter and Ferreira 1967; Raush, Barry, Hertel
and Swain 1974) adapted Bales IPA to study the
interactions in families. Unfortunately, all these
researchers found that high levels of interjudge
agreement could not be established because of the
ambiguity in the categories.
Scheme
The Couple Interactive Scoring System (CISS) developed
by Gottman (1979) was used to categorize the
interactions of the couples in the current study. When
using this scheme, the couple's conversation is taped
and transcribed verbatim.
Statements are then divided into "thought
units," which provide the basic unit of analysis for the
CISS. The "thought unit" can be a phrase, a sentence, or
a speech fragment and is usually separated by pauses,
commas, ands, buts, or periods. Each thought unit is
placed into one and only one of the categories in the
CISS.
The categories are as follows:
(1)Agreement - which includes direct agreement,
accepting responsibility for a past or present problem,
accepting modification and compliance with a
preceding request or command
(2) Disagreement - which includes direct disagreement,
denial of responsibility, qualified agreement or apology,
disagreement with rationale or justification supplied,
(3) Communication Talk - which is a comment on the
process of communication, directing the conversation
back to a given topic or toward a resolution of a
problem, an evaluation of a conversation, or a request
for clarification
(4) Mind Reading - which is an inference about feelings,
attitudes, opinions or motives of the spouse or couple,
or which attributes past, present, or future behaviors to
the other person,
(5) Problem Solving and Information Exchange which
includes suggesting a plan or method for how to solve a
problem and presenting information or behavioral facts
that may relate to the couple,
(6) Summarize Other - which is summarizing the
previous statements of the other person, or reviews or
summarizes the couple's conversation,
(7) Summarizes Self - which is a review or summary of
the speaker's previous statements, and
(8) Expressing Feelings about a Problem - which is a
concern about the problem the couple is discussing or a
statement of feelings being expressed by the speaker.
What are Important Decisions?
Obviously, you will each make many decisions on your
own.What you consider to be important decisions is
one of the first decisions you should make in your
marriage. Most couples consider the following decisions
to be major decisions that require discussion and
agreement.
Where the two of you will live.
How many children you will have.
Parenting styles.
How you will spend and save money.
The amount of free time you will spend
together.
Household chores.
Decisions regarding a crisis.
Future plans.
Married couples will make many decisions throughout
marriage. They should make sure that these decisions
are mutual decisions.
In the marriage relationship, mutuality involves face-to-
face interaction that includes caring, loving, co-
operation, empathy, respect, friendship, comfort, help,
and communication (both verbal and non-verbal).
Mutuality in marriage is being open to
understanding the wishes, goals, hopes, and dreams of
one another.
If you are in a marriage where mutuality is a
value, you both seek what is best for one another.
Mutuality is the way you positively relate to one
another.
Here's How:
If spirituality is part of your relationship, pray
together for guidance as you make your decision.
Gather facts and information. You can do this
both individually and as a couple. Share what you find
with each other.
Seek input from friends, family and experts.
Don't focus on only one option. Look at several
options that may be available to you.
Talk with one another about the pros and cons
of the decision you are about to make.
Make sure the decision is a decision that you
can both live with.
 Examine your values and ideals and compare
your lists with each other.
Both of you should take responsibility for the
decision. Don't play the blame game later if the
consequences of the decision are negative.
Make a commitment to revisit the decision you
made at a later time and to reevaluate it.
Tips:
If it doesn't work out as you planned, don't
blame one another or say 'I told you so!'
Set a date for the reevaluation.
It's okay to admit that a decision needs to be
reversed.
Communication is the exchange of thoughts, messages,
or information, as by speech, visuals, signals, writing, or
behavior.
Derived from the Latin word "communis",
meaning to share. The communication process is
complete once the receiver has understood the
message of the sender
Interpersonal communication between husband and
wife is a major deciding factor in several aspects and
dimensions of family system and is in turn influenced by
different factors associated with the changing world.
Communication may take place through
exchange of words and also in the form of writing.
When the world narrows down to a husband
wife relationship, we find that communication occurs
mostly through words and also non-verbal means. As
the world is changing, so is the nature and frequency of
communication between the husband and wife.
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John
Gottman, Ph.D. 2001)
Principle 1: Be an emotionally intelligent couple (Be
intimately familiar with each others worlds)
Marital Habit: Inattention to the details of your
spouses life
Do you know your spouses: likes, dislikes, joys,
stresses and fears?
Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar
with each others worlds
Keep updating information and facts and feelings of
your spouses world as it changes
Principle 2: Nurture your fondness and admiration
(They allow you to respect one another even when you
fight.)
Fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt
They allow you to respect one another even when you
fight
Remind yourself of your spouses positive qualities
A focus on the past can encourage positive feelings
94% of the time that couples put a positive spin on their
marriages history they are likely to have a happy future
Principle 3: Turn toward each other instead of away
(Basis of emotional connection)
Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection
Couples who turn toward each other remain
emotionally engaged and stay married
Principle 4: Let your partner influence you
The majority of wives let their husbands influence their
decision making by taking their opinion and feelings into
account.
In the happiest marriages:
The husband does not resist power sharing and
decision making with his wife.
During disagreements these husbands actively search
for common ground instead of insisting on getting his
way.
Marriages where the husband resists power sharing
are four times more likely to end or continue unhappy
Principle 5: Five steps to resolve conflicts
1. Soften your startup (Avoid starting discussions with
You always mess this up or I cant trust you to do this
right)
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts (Offer or
accept statements that convey understanding or
express interest in resolving problems)
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise: The cornerstone of any compromise is
accepting influence
5. Be tolerant of each others faults: Accepting flaws
promotes compromise
Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock
Happy couples:
Understand that helping each other realize their
dreams is one of the goals of marriage
Incorporate each others goals into their concept of
what their marriage is about
Seek to understand why each partner feels strongly
about the issue (dont necessarily try to solve the
problem)
Accept differences and establish an initial compromise
If the marriage doesn't honor the dream, conflict will
arise
Principle 7: Create shared meaning
Create a culture this can be created by two people
who have agreed to share their lives
The culture incorporates both of their dreams even if
they dont always share them
When the marriage has a shared meaning, conflict is
less intense
Special Problems in Marital Relationships
Non-Marital Relationships/Live In Partner
Marital Infidelity
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE : RA 9262
Nowadays, there are different things that youngsters
do.
Some are weird; others are not really morally accepted.
The youth have the tendency to follow what they see in
others.
They dont think it over before they act and do the
same thing.
They are simply impulsive.
One of the patterns or trends in the society is live in
relationships.
This is very common now.
**However articles 147 and 148 of our Family Code
governs property regime of unions without marriage
Live In Partner: is a form of interpersonal status which is
legally recognized in some jurisdictions as a
marriage even though no legally recognized marriage
ceremony is performed or civil marriage contract is
entered into. It is legally binding in some jurisdictions
but has no meaning in others. In some jurisdictions
without true common law marriages (e.g. Hungary), the
term "common law marriage" is used as a synonym for
non-marital relationships such as domestic partnership
or reciprocal beneficiaries relationship (i.e. "shacking
up"
Common-law marriage
de facto marriage
informal marriage
marriage by habit and repute
Non-marital relationship
Reciprocal beneficiaries relationship
common law marriage ( this is popularly known here as
"live in" ) is not recognized as a valid marriage
Philippines because under our laws, one of the formal
requisites of marriage is marriage ceremony where the
contracting parties appear before the solemnizing
officer, with their personal declaration that they take
each other as husband and wife in the presence of not
less than two witnesses of legal age.
2 Situations in The Family Code:
1. Those who are legally qualified to marry but live
together as husband and wife without the
benefit of marriage.
2. Those who are not legally qualified to marry but
are living together as husband and wife without
the benefit of marriage.
The family code has 2 articles regulating the property
rights of the parties living as husband and wife, specially
so when during this relationship these partners were
able to acquire properties ...These articles do not define
common law marriage nor does it give legal sanction to
such a relationship.
There are two situation provided in these articles:
1. Those who are legally qualified to marry (meaning
both parties are single, of legal age and suffering no
impediment to enter into marital union) but live
together as husband and wife without the benefit of
marriage.
2. Those who are not legally qualified to marry
(meaning one of the parties are already married, or one
who is suffering some legal impediment preventing
him/her from entering in to a marital union) but are
living together as husband and wife without the benefit
of marriage
Thus, the following articles of the Family Code of the
Philippines are as follows:
Chapter 7. Property Regime of Unions Without
Marriage
Art. 147. When a man and a woman who are
capacitated to marry each other, live exclusively with
each other as husband and wife without the benefit of
marriage or under a void marriage, their wages and
salaries shall be owned by them in equal shares and the
property acquired by both of them through their work
or industry shall be governed by the rules on co-
ownership.
In the absence of proof to the contrary, properties
acquired while they lived together shall be presumed to
have been obtained by their joint efforts, work or
industry, and shall be owned by them in equal shares.
For purposes of this Article, a party who did not
participate in the acquisition by the other party of any
property shall be deemed to have contributed jointly in
the acquisition thereof if the former's efforts consisted
in the care and maintenance of the family and of the
household.
Neither party can encumber or dispose by acts inter
vivos of his or her share in the property acquired during
cohabitation and owned in common, without the
consent of the other, until after the termination of their
cohabitation.
When only one of the parties to a void marriage is in
good faith, the share of the party in bad faith in the co-
ownership shall be forfeited in favor of their common
children. In case of default of or waiver by any or all of
the common children or their descendants, each vacant
share shall belong to the respective surviving
descendants. In the absence of descendants, such share
shall belong to the innocent party. In all cases, the
forfeiture shall take place upon termination of the
cohabitation. (144a)
Art. 148. In cases of cohabitation not falling under the
preceding Article, only the properties acquired by both
of the parties through their actual joint contribution of
money, property, or industry shall be owned by them in
common in proportion to their respective contributions.
In the absence of proof to the contrary, their
contributions and corresponding shares are presumed
to be equal. The same rule and presumption shall apply
to joint deposits of money and evidences of credit.
If one of the parties is validly married to another, his or
her share in the co-ownership shall accrue to the
absolute community or conjugal partnership existing in
such valid marriage. If the party who acted in bad faith
is not validly married to another, his or her shall be
forfeited in the manner provided in the last paragraph
of the preceding Article.
The foregoing rules on forfeiture shall likewise apply
even if both parties are in bad faith. (144a)
Sometimes, after seeing each other exclusively for a
while, a couple talks about the possibility of
co-habiting or living togetherbefore even contemplating
marriage.
Of course there are those who are happy to
consensually and permanently enter into a live in
relationship without there ever being expectations of
marriage.
But most couples agree to live together hoping to base
their decision about whether or not to get married on
the outcome of the live in relationship.
Why is it that there are some couples ready to leap into
marriage while there are others who would like to go
through a 'trial period' before committing themselves to
marriage? For living together may be considered just
that - a 'sort of litmus test' if you may for marriage.
Reasons For Live-in Relationship, to check their
"compatibility quotient." Others do it because it is
convenient; they are anyway spending most of their
time in each other's homes so why not conserve time
and energy? Some have even decided to marry and live
together in the engagement period, as it cuts their
expenses and works out better economically. A small
percentage even lives together because most of their
friends are in live-in relationships and they don't want
to be considered the odd ones out. And in yet others,
there is a basic, deep-rooted fear of a lifelong
commitment like marriage, either because they have
been hurt in the past or are offspring of traumatic
divorces.
Some of the apparent advantages of a live-in
relationship could be:
1. Economics
You get to share expenses and suddenly all your
expenditure is halved. Yet, you can have separate
accounts and your 'own money'. You may not be as
accountable to him for how and where you spend, as
you may be in a marriage.
2. No messy divorce/annulment or legal issues
Since there are no prenuptial agreements or marriage
contracts, you can walk away without any of the legal
hassles that arise from a marriage. On an emotional
level, there is no trauma of going through a divorce, it's
much easier to love and leave.
3. Testing the waters
If one or both of you needs proof that you're right for
each other and you manage to coexist smoothly, then
you can make an informed decision about marriage.
4. Get to know the realities
When you're just dating, it's easy for him to conceal
how messy he is or how much time he takes going
through his morning. But once you start living together,
you are able to explore every nuance of your significant
other's personality, a chance to get acquainted with the
real person. You may discover that her nagging really
gets to you, and you can't live with it.
5. Companionship
If you're one of those people who feel the walls close in
on you when you're alone, the companionship is
constant. You get all the comforts of being married
without many of the pitfalls. You also get the
advantages, like being able to have sex whenever you
want to.
However, the pitfalls of living together have also to be
considered.
Since you've already anticipated most of the pleasures
of marriage, when you do decide to get married, there
really isn't that much to look forward to.
1. As a result, a couple can settle into this state of
"unwedded bliss" and put off marriage
indefinitely. In the event one of the partners is
actually holding out for marriage or anticipating
a proposal, this could pose a problem
In simple words a live-in relationship leaves
nothing to be discovered by the couple post marriage.
Routine already sets in between live-in relations and
there is anxiety or expectancy left for to be realised
after marriage.
2. Research bears this out by indicating that only a small
percentage of those living together actually marry and
ironically, there's a high divorce rate among those
married that have already lived together.
3. In case one of the partners or even the parents have
a strong religious background which forbids 'living in
sin', it sets a bad note for the relationship.
4. Because there are no specific laws to deal with the
intricacies of live-in relationships in most countries, the
incidence of major problems in these cases are on the
rise. Many people are duped of their assets in live-in
relationships.
5. Cases of verbal and physical abuse are also quite
rampant in live-in relationship despite the fact that live-
in relations are considered more modern.
6. A potent disadvantage of live-in relationship is social
censure. Because these relationships have not yet been
awarded the stamp of social acceptance, they are
looked at with scorn. Many couple in live-in
relationships prefer to call themselves married fearing
rejection. This primarily causes problems in
relationships.
7. It is very difficult to move into another relationship
after a live-in relationship. Live-in relationships require
a lot of time, energy and devotion. The most important
fact is that in a live-in relationship two people decide to
share their lives. And if such a relationship comes to an
end it takes a toll on the mental health of people.
Live-in Relationship Problems
1. The first problem is it is bad in the eyes of God.
Cohabitation, which is the act of living together and
having a sexual relationship without being married, is a
great sin. God condemn this kind of relationship.
According to Gods law, it is marriage that will bring a
man and a woman together.
2. You are not emotionally secured. Since you are not
married, you cannot demand full attention of your
partner.
You dont have the right to do so because you are just
live-in partners. Its an illegal relationship.
3. Having a child is discouraged. This is not the right
time to have a baby. Would you like to have an
illegitimate child? Furthermore, your child will suffer
from your situation. Dont let it happen. For some,
they think having a baby will lead to marriage.
4. Many people raise their eyebrows to couples who live
together out of wedlock. They disapprove it.
Expect them to talk about your life. Being with your
partner is great but deciding to live together out of
wedlock is not at all a good idea.
Marital Infidelity
National Situation
Marital infidelity is a major marital or family stress or
among Filipino married couples.
Various studies show that married men engage
in extra marital sex more than married women.
The proportion of married men engaging in
extra marital sex was found to be 36% compared to 2%
of married women. Marital infidelity in the Philippines is
thus, a male phenomenon.
(Gonzales 2003) While more men admit to
having engaged in extramarital relations, 85% of them
said that their marriage was not in any danger of
breaking up.
A study of the cases petitioning for nulity of
marriage by Dayan and Samonte (1998, cited in
Gonzales 2003) shows that adultery for males seemed
more blatant, almost natural, BULGAR where males
courted and sought out their female partners.
Female petitioners, however, tended to feel
more guilty, keeping their affairs a secret. SECRET

Majority of Filipinos disapprove of EXTRAMARITAL
RELATIONS
88% disapprove of extramarital relations. (2003)
96% disapprove of extramarital relations. (2000)
6/10 youth disapprove of extramarital relations.
(2000)
AdULTERY VS.CONCUBiNAGE
What is adultery?
Adultery means the carnal relation between a married
woman and a man who is not her husband, the latter
knowing her to be married, even if the marriage be
subsequently declared void (RPC, Article 333).
CARNAL RELATION: relating to or given to crude bodily
pleasures and appetites
b : marked by sexuality <carnal love>
Each sexual intercourse constitutes a crime of adultery.
Existing law, specifically Article 333 of the
Revised Penal Code penalizes a married woman who
had sexual intercourse with a man not her husband, for
the crime of adultery. This carries the penalty of
imprisonment for two to six years.
What is concubinage?
Concubinage is committed by any husband who shall
keep a mistress in the conjugal dwelling, or, shall have
sexual
intercourse, under scandalous circumstances, with a
woman who is not his wife, or shall cohabit with her in
any other place (Article 334 of the Revised Penal Code
or RPC).
Article 334 of the Revised Penal Code penalizes
a married man who keeps a mistress or has had sexual
intercourse with her or any woman not his wife, under
scandalous circumstances, for the crime of
concubinage. This carries the penalty of imprisonment
for six months to four years.
What are the differences between adultery and
concubinage?
1. Adultery is committed by a wife (who must also be
charged together with the other man), while
concubinage is
committed by a husband (who must be charged
together with the concubine).
2. Proof of sexual intercourse is enough in adultery,
but in concubinage, the prosecution must prove that
the sexual intercourse must be under scandalous
circumstances, or that the husband kept a mistress in
the conjugal dwelling or cohabited with her in any other
place.
3. The penalty for concubinage is lower than that of
adultery.
The penalty for the concubine is only destierro, while
the penalty for the man other in adultery is the same as
that of the guilty wife.
Destierro means banishment or only a prohibition from
residing within the radius of 25 kilometers from the
actual
residence of the accused for a specified length of time.
It is not imprisonment.
Who can file the action for adultery or concubinage?
Only the offended spouse can legally file the
complaint for adultery or concubinage.
The marital status must be present at the time
of filing the criminal action. In other words, the
offended spouse must still be married to the accused
spouse at the time of the filing of the complaint.
Who must be prosecuted?
The offended party cannot institute the criminal charge
without including both guilty parties (the offending
spouse and the paramour), if both are alive.
What is the effect of consent or pardon by the
offended spouse?
The criminal charge cannot prosper if the offended
spouse has consented to the offense or pardoned the
offenders.
Pardon can be express or implied.
An example of express pardon is when the offended
party in writing or in an affidavit asserts that he or she is
pardoning his or her erring spouse and paramour for
their act.
There is implied pardon when the offended party
continued to live with his spouse even after the
commission of the offense.
Pardon must come before the institution of the criminal
action and both offenders must be pardoned by the
offended party.
BIGAMY
Bigamy is basically the act of marrying again while the
first marriage is still subsisting. It is defined under
Article 349 of the RPC as the contracting of a second or
subsequent marriage before the former marriage has
been legally dissolved, or before the absent spouse has
been declared presumptively dead by means of a
judgment rendered in the proper proceeding.
In a case for bigamy, all the following matters or The accused must prove that he/she actually surprised
elements must be shown by the prosecution: the other spouse in the act of doing the deed, and that
1. The offender has been legally married. he/she killed the other spouse and/or the other party
2. The marriage has not been legally dissolved or, in during or immediately thereafter.
case his or her spouse is absent, the absent spouse
could not yet
be presumed dead according to the Civil Code.
3. He/she contracts a second or subsequent marriage.
4. The second or subsequent marriage has all the
essential requisites for validity.

How is bigamy different from adultery/concubinage?

In adultery/concubinage, the law requires that
both culprits, if both are alive, should he prosecuted or
included in the information.
In bigamy, the second spouse could be charged
only if she/he had knowledge of the previous
undissolved marriage of the accused.
Bigamy is a public offense and a crime against
status, while adultery and concubinage are private
offenses and are crimes against chastity.
In adultery/concubinage, pardon by the
offended party will bar the prosecution of the case,
which is not so in bigamy.

What if I killed or injured my spouse when I caught

him/her in the act of committing sexual intercourse
with another person?

The law provides that any legally married

person who, having surprised his spouse in the act of
committing sexualintercourse with another person,
shall kill any of them or both of them in the act or
immediately thereafter, or shall inflict upon them any
serious physical injury, shall suffer the penalty of
destierro (RPC, Article 247).
What is destierro?Destierro means banishment or only
a prohibition from residing within the radius of 25
kilometers from the actualresidence of the accused for
a specified length of time. It is not imprisonment.

The accused spouse, which could be the husband or

the wife, must prove the following:
1. A legally married person (or a parent) surprises his
spouse (or his daughter, under 18 years of age and
living with him), in the act of committing sexual
intercourse with another person.
2. He or she kills any or both of them or inflicts upon
any or both of them any serious physical injury in the
act orimmediately thereafter.
3. .He has not promoted or facilitated the prostitution
of his wife or that he or she has not consented to the
infidelity of the other spouse.