Madison Dobrzenski

WGST 2310-001
Pen on Fire-Expose Yourself
Due: October 24, 2017

You know what? Go ahead. Kill yourself, I dont care anymore, she uttered before walking
back to the living room. I could hear her open another can of Miller Lite. I could hear her crying.
I could hear her talking to herself. I could hear her anger.
I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Seasonal Depression since sixth grade.
Yes, Im aware that thats very young.
Yes, I was diagnosed.
Yes, that was my mother that said those words to me.
I still talk to my mom. I still love her. However, her alcoholism and her own mental illness
caused her to emotionally abuse and manipulate me in ways that affected my mental health, and
affect me to this day.
I will never forget the day she found out I attempted suicide. She uttered those words. Go
ahead. Kill yourself. How could a mother say that to her child?
I still wonder that to this day.
She said that to me when I was in seventh grade.
I was 13. Thirteen. Thirteen. I dont know if you understand what its like to hear those words
when you are just barely a teenager-but it hurts. It fucks with your head, to say the least.
It especially hurts years later, when youre reflecting on your life and what has affected you the
most and made you develop as a person. My moms mental illness certainly made her
emotionally abuse me, which caused me to be mentally ill. My mental illness has certainly
shaped me as a person. Its a cycle. Its a vicious cycle.
Growing up, my mother didnt really keep a steady job. She would get drunk a lot, have manic
fits, and I didnt realize thats what she was doing until freshman year of high school. Well, I
realized thats what she was doing, but I wouldnt admit it. I would just tell myself she was
having a moment, because thats what she always told me.
Thats what she told me, when she would threaten to move me in with my father almost every
day when I was 11.
Thats what she told me when she would yell at me for hours. Or cry for hours. Or forget to go to
the grocery store for days at a time. Or when she didnt go to work for days in a row.
Thats what she told me, and she considered it an excuse. I considered it an excuse.
It took being friends with other people and experiencing other peoples families to realize that
this behavior was not normal, and it caused me to be the way I am today.
Today, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am always scared of saying the wrong thing,
despite being an outgoing person. I am always scared of making decisions, for fear it will make
someone explode and yell at me. I am scared of disappointing people. I am scared. I am scared.
I am scared because I had to grow up walking on egg shells in my own home.
I say all this to say that my mother being abusive was probably the biggest thing to impact me as
a person. Its made me develop a whole disorder.
The day she found out I attempted suicide is a day Ill never forget. Because who says that to a
person? Your daughter, of all people? I understand being upset. Truly, I do.
But Ive talked to a lot of people since that happened, and its unanimous that no one would say
that to another person. No matter your frustration or anger, you restrain from saying things like
that.
Not my mom.
Shes doing better now, and so am I. But she still explodes every once in a while, and when that
happens, I convince myself that shes having a moment, even though I know shes opening yet
another can of Miller Lite, sitting on our sofa, calling me, my brother and my dad, to yell at us
about something completely irrational.
But now I know that doesnt excuse it.