Impasses in EFT for

Couples
Veronica Kallos-Lilly, Ph.D.
Scott R. Woolley, Ph.D.

EFT Summit
Ottawa, Canada May 2006
 Description of Workshop:
„

This workshop is designed to help participants work with impasses in

couples therapy. Consistent with much of the therapeutic process,
timing is important in order to address impasses before loss of hope
sets in for the clients or therapist. Being able to identify and
distinguish impasses at different stages in therapy is an important step
toward learning to address them in a timely fashion. Common client
and therapist variables that cause or maintain impasses will be
explored. Therapists will hone their skills at using the therapeutic
process to highlight attachment fears and blocks to
connection. Finally, specific interventions designed to break through
impasses, such as, slicing it thinner, heightening the stuckness,
rendering the implicit process explicit, disquisitions, and others will be
illustrated.
 Objectives
„ Participants will learn to:

1. To identify impasses at different stages in the process of

therapy

2. To facilitate identification of client and therapist variables

causing or maintaining impasses

3. To address process issues in working through impasses

4. To cover specific interventions used to facilitate movement

through impasses
 Outline
„ Introduction and discussion of impasses
„ Impasses during cycle de-escalation
„ Client and therapist issues
„ Impasses during re-connecting phase of therapy
„ Client and therapist issues
„ Interventions
„ Consultation on stuck cases
 Impasses

„ Impasses involve being stuck and can happen at

almost any time in therapy.

„ What types of impasses have you run into?

 Cycle De-escalation Impasses
Client Issues
„ Difficulty accepting the notion of a cycle that is created by both
partners. (Step 4)
„ Manifests as one or both partners get stuck in a blaming position and will
not look at or take responsibility for their own part in the cycle.
„ Client does not feel understood or supported by the therapist. (Step 3)
„ Manifests as client resistance or defensiveness.
„ Impasses related to differing agendas for relationship partners.
„ Manifests as one or both partners are unwilling to take the risk to access
the primary emotions underlying their positions in the cycle. (Step 3)
„ Attachment trauma (e.g., an affair, domestic abuse, childhood trauma).
„ Manifests as intense anger, hurt, or fear that may not feel like it is driven
by the current interaction. (Steps 2-4)
 Cycle De-escalation Impasses
Therapist Issues
„ Therapist has a hard time seeing or formulating the cycle.
„ Often manifests as the therapist aligning with one person. (Step 2)
„ Therapist has a hard time articulating the cycle in a way that the
clients can see or experience it.
„ Manifests as clients not experiencing the cycle and the therapist not using
metaphors, imagery, or failing to tie content issues into the cycle etc.
(Step 4)
„ Therapist does not establish a strong alliance with each member
of the couple. (Step 1)
„ Manifests as a client resistance or defensiveness.
„ Therapist does not work flexibly with all levels of the cycle as
they emerge. (Steps 2-4)
„ Manifests itself as the therapist not meeting the client where they are “at.”
 The Cycle
Partner Partner

Action Tendency Action Tendency

Perceptions/Attributions Perceptions/Attributions

Secondary Emotion Secondary Emotion

Primary Emotion Primary Emotion

Attachment Needs Attachment Needs
 Cycle De-escalation Impasses
Therapist Issues (Continued)
„ Therapist inadvertently contains or shuts down emotions rather
than working with them because of their own internal issues –
such as being afraid of strong emotion. (Step 3)
„ Manifests as the session not getting beyond the surface or certain avenues
of exploration being avoided.
„ Therapist fails to manage the session – therapist may be afraid of
losing the alliance or does not trust the model enough to actively
intervene. (Steps 2-4)
„ Manifests as the cycle dominating the session.
„ Therapist doesn’t know how to move through the impasse and
consequently loses hope. (Steps 1-4)
„ Manifests as therapist passivity, diagnosing one or both partners, or
working to split the couple up when that is not the couples goal.
 Re-Connecting Impasses
Client Issues
„ Withdrawer not engaging. (Step 5-7)
„ Manifests as the therapy plateauing at the de-escalation stage.
„ Pursuer not softening. (Steps 5-7)
„ Manifests as the pursuer remaining stuck in a reactive position despite
clear engagement by the withdrawer.
„ Attachment injuries. (Steps 5-7)
„ Manifests as either withdrawer not engaging or pursuer not softening.
„ Lack of experience with a safe attachment figure. (Steps 5-7)
„ One or both partners don’t have a map of how to be in a secure
attachment relationship.
„ Attachment trauma (e.g., an affair, domestic abuse, childhood
trauma). (Steps 5-7)
„ Manifests as intense anger, hurt, or fear that does not change in differing
circumstances.
 Re-Connecting Impasses
Therapist Issues
„ There has not been enough in-depth Steps 5 and 6 work.
„ Manifests as the therapy plateauing at the de-escalation stage.
„ Therapist may have difficulty in tolerating, accessing, and shaping intense
emotion.
„ Manifests as surface oriented therapy.
„ Therapist may be caught in the couple’s system.
„ Manifests as therapist being aligned with one person, pathologizing, or adopting
the couple’s hopelessness.
„ Therapist lacks experience in a secure attachment relationship and therefore
may have not have a map of secure attachment.
„ Manifests as therapists getting caught in self-doubt, or not having a strong belief
in the potential for healing and change.
„ Therapist may give up on or deviate from the model.
„ Manifests as therapy not being focused on EFT related issues.
„ Therapist may have difficulty with basic EFT interventions.
„ Manifests as poorly done or mistimed basic EFT interventions.
 Interventions
Client Impasses

There are a number of ways of resolving impasses.

„ Make the implicit process explicit. Go with the
client's resistance by enacting the refusal to
connect and make the attachment fears accessible.
"I will shut you out." "I can't show you who I
am."
„ Slice it thinner and stay with the emotion. Recognize
that you are entering a sensitive or sore place for the
partners.
„ Actively block the exits couples usually take as a part of
the impasse.
 Interventions
Client Impasses

„ Identify the impasse directly and actively process it with the

clients.
„ Focus on and even heighten the impasse. Each time the
impasse is encountered, different elements can emerge and
responses become clearer. Vividly elaborate the experience
of being stuck until it mobilizes someone in the relationship
to make a shift.
„ Disquisitions. Tell the clients a story that paints a picture of
their relationship, identifying their interactions and
responses, as well as their logical conclusion. Use images
and metaphors.
 Interventions
Client Impasses

„ Do an Attachment History-A history of each person’s

experiences in attachment relationships. It is particularly
important to focus on what people learned about comfort
and connection in relationships, past traumas and how
people adapted, and how people may have found healing in
relationships.
„ Individual sessions with each partner to strengthen the
alliance and process the emotions that are too difficult for
one partner to look at in the presence of the other partner.
„ Integrate the impasse into the relationship.
 Interventions
Therapist Impasses

„ Seek Supervision from an EFT supervisor.

„ Review your tapes of couple sessions.
„ Write out the cycle, where you are in the steps, and
what interventions you are using. Are you staying in the
model?
„ Evaluate your own emotional responses to the impasse,
to the relationship, and to each partner.
„ Evaluate your own working models of attachment.
„ Evaluate your commitment to and belief in the model.
„ Work the Workbook and review Creating Connections.
 Attachment History
Childhood Attachment Relationships
„Who did you go to for comfort when you were young?
„Could you always count on this person/these people for comfort?
„When were you most likely to be comforted by this person/these
people?
„How did you let this person/these people know that you needed
connection and comfort?
„Did this person/these people every betray you or were they
unavailable at critical times?
„What did you learn about comfort and connection from this
person/these people?
„If no one was safe, how did you comfort yourself? How did you
learn that people were unsafe?
„Did you ever turn to alcohol, drugs, sex or material things for
comfort?
 Attachment History
Romantic Attachment Relationships
„ Have there been times when you have been able
to be vulnerable and find comfort with your
partner?
„ Have there been any particularly traumatic
incidences in your previous romantic
relationships?
„ How have you tried to find comfort in romantic
relationships?
 The 9 Steps of EFT
Stage 1: De-escalation
„ 1. Create an alliance and delineate confict issues in the core
attachment struggle.
„ 2. Identify the negative interaction cycle, and each partner’s
position in that cycle.
„ 3. Access the unacknowledged emotions underlying
interactional positions.
„ 4. Reframe the problem in terms of the negative cycle,
underlying emotions, and the attachment needs. The cycle is
framed as the common enemy and the source of the partners’
emotional deprivation and distress.
 The 9 Steps of EFT
Stage 2: Re-Connecting

„ 5. Promote identification with disowned attachment

emotions, needs, and aspects of self and integrate
these into relationship interactions.
„ 6. Promote acceptance of the partner’s experience
and new interactional responses.
„ 7. Facilitate the expression of needs and wants and
create emotional engagement and bonding events that
redefine the attachment between partners.
 The 9 Steps of EFT
Stage 3: Consolidation and Integration

„ 8. Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to

old relationship problems.
„ 9. Consolidate new positions and new cycles of
attachment behaviors.