867 ONE-LINER JOKES

By Wolfgang Riebe

Published by Mind Power Publications at Smashwords

This book is available at
www.mindpowerpublications.com

Copyright © 2016 by Wolfgang Riebe

www.wolfgangriebe.com

For further titles - see end of book

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved
above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced
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Disclaimer
The material contained in this book is set out in good faith for general
guidance and no liability can be accepted for loss or expense incurred as a
result of relying on particular advice or statements made in this book.

*****
 All photos have been sourced from https://pixabay.com
Please pay them a visit and support this awesome website.

All jokes are by Unknown Authors

*****
 FOREWORD
Welcome to many, many laughs! The layout of this book is really simple... as from the next page
there are 687 random one-liner jokes collected over the last 3 years, covering a variety of subjects.
Occasional picture jokes of the one-liners are included as well.

I am an entertainer & inspirational speaker and 3 years back I launched a website called,
www.positivpeople.com where I offer to inspire people every day for a whole year at a time. Within
about three weeks of launching this site, a subscriber suggested I add in a few one-liner jokes every
fortnight. Hence after 3 years of collecting jokes, this book is now the result.

A genuine mix of topics with up to date one-liners ideal to use in any

situation. Whether you are an entertainer, comedian, speaker or just want to
have a good chuckle, I am positive you find some inspiration and laughter
within these pages.

*****

BONUS FREE COMEDY VIDEOS

Below is a collection of FREE videos with links that should give you
many additional laughs.
10 Jokes in 90 Seconds!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJu-Qu-
UYN8&index=22&list=PLOlj0zd222BK2cjv99qlrGqi1s0DpL0T-

10 Jokes in 90 Seconds Part 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=McbFJNu0uAM&index=23&list=PLOlj0zd222BK2cjv99qlrGqi1s0DpL0T-

10 Really Lame One-Liners Jokes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=2NmBZApicgY&index=14&list=PLOlj0zd222BK2cjv99qlrGqi1s0DpL0T-

Funny Diet Quotes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=1EYY3gMchh8&index=17&list=PLOlj0zd222BK2cjv99qlrGqi1s0DpL0T-

Funny Offensive things to say when people irritate you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=C0N8XOCvckU&index=16&list=PLOlj0zd222BK2cjv99qlrGqi1s0DpL0T-

Funny Quotes
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=bfAdGHTal9Q&t=21s&list=PLOlj0zd222BJozkKlWrw6VjZGRsPzGQw8&index=3

George Burnes Classic One Liner Jokes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=5LVgL_2xjgI&index=13&list=PLOlj0zd222BK2cjv99qlrGqi1s0DpL0T-

Joan Rivers Classic One Liner Jokes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=aqei7pAqPIk&index=12&list=PLOlj0zd222BK2cjv99qlrGqi1s0DpL0T-

Milton Berle Classic One Liner Jokes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=d8Ob718Hk3o&index=11&list=PLOlj0zd222BK2cjv99qlrGqi1s0DpL0T-

Murphy's Law: 10 Crazy, but True Laws of Life: Part 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=gxc52ThutFw&t=20s&list=PLOlj0zd222BJozkKlWrw6VjZGRsPzGQw8&index=2

Murphy's Law: 10 Crazy, but True Laws of Life: Part 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=sHxDP2arKjo&t=14s&list=PLOlj0zd222BJozkKlWrw6VjZGRsPzGQw8&index=1

The Magician & the Parrot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=mRH4UzPRv3Y&index=18&list=PLOlj0zd222BK2cjv99qlrGqi1s0DpL0T-

*****
 40 is the new 30? Try telling that to a speed camera!
A beggar asked me if I had any loose change, 
I said, "No mate, it's nice
and secure thanks.”
A blind man walks into a bar, a table and a chair.
A blonde just texted me asking, “What does idk stand for?” I texted back,
“I don't know!' And she replied, “ OMG, nobody does!”
A boiled egg is hard to beat!
A Chinese man faked his own death, but his family were suspicious,

they didn't bereave him.
 A container ship full of blue paint has collided with a container ship full of
red paint, 
the crew have been marooned.
A dog walker was found dead in the local park, police found the dog, but
as yet, they have no lead.
A fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and yells: 

"Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill!"
A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet. 
He got lost at C.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs
Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replied, "Well, without me, you can't have
mass."
 A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar. The bartender gave it to
her.
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A
brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?” he asks. “No. I'm the chip monk,”
he replies.
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose, and a parsnip in his
ear, the doc said, “clearly you’re not eating properly.”
A man has died after falling into a vat of coffee... it was instant.
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
A man walks into the butchers and asks, “Can I have an ox tail please?”
The butcher replies, “Once upon a time...”
 A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons,
 police held him for a
while then let him go.
A man was in court for stealing a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced,
it was a briefcase.
A mate of mine is always telling me it's better to give than receive, 
a
lesson he learned in prison. 



A much politer way of saying, “I dislike you”, is to say, “If your face was
on fire and I had a glass of water I'd drink it!”
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his
luggage, 
"No thanks, I'm travelling light."
A really good thing about me, as that I am very, VERY, VERY modest.
 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than the men who mention it.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
A slight inebriated wife is watching the television and starts yelling,
“Don’t go into the church you idiotic moron!” The husband arrives and asks,
“What are you watching?” She replies, “Our wedding video!”
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the
police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
A text message can lead to a date, which can lead to a kiss, and a
wonderful night together. Will you text me?
A true statistical fact... thousands of people quit smoking every year... by
dying.
 A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."
A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. 
So
the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
A woman's mind us cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often!
According to the most current magazine in this doctor's office, every home
in America will have a television by 1962.
Acupuncture... a jab well done!
After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion, 
I'm
beginning to think that my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax.
 Ah, 'Friday'... my second favorite F-word.
Alcohol won't solve your problems… but then again neither will milk or
orange juice.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in
whiskypedia.
Allegedly California has the highest rate of adultery and depression, 

that's a sad State of affairs.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You
know, like Wednesday!
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
 Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, If you throw it hard enough...
An elderly wife turns to her husband and says, I just did a silent fart, what
should I do?” The husband replies, “Put new batteries in your hearing aid!
An Indian Afro Chinese Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting
pistol; police say it's definitely race related...
An archaeologist digging near a pyramid in Egypt found a mummy
covered in chocolate and hazelnuts… he believes it to be a Pharaoh Rocher!
Annoyed parent asks son, "How often do you loose bits of your
Scalectrix?" 
"Don't know", he said, "I've lost track!"
 Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
Apparently 3.57 out of 9 people overcomplicate things.
Apparently diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience.

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