Would you share your most intimate experiences with a stranger?

DEAR DIARY
JOE WING
 Are you up for a challenge?

ONE ENTRY PER DAY

In March of 2018, during the 35th year of my life, I went through a profound
transformation. I had been for some years a seeker of Truth, and I was accustomed to go
through profound inner changes in my being. And this one was the most radical one so far.

This profound inner transformation reflected itself also in exterior life. I moved into a
new country and I removed myself from my previous life, real and digital. I deleted my
social media accounts and I went without internet for a few months. When I decided to get
back online, I didn’t feel to speak immediately with anyone I knew already. But I still felt a
profound need to share my process.

So I downloaded a new app into my phone, and there I challenged a few strangers with
the following message:

Hi there Stranger! I would like to make an experiment of writing to each other, as

if we would be writing our personal diary.

The rules:
- we must be totally open and honest as if it would be a normal diary;
- we should write every day for one month;
- we must remain anonymous for each other so we can be totally safe to share
anything we feel.

Are you up for it?

Warm regards,
Joe

A small group of people accepted the challenge, and thus, I started to share my story, as
they shared theirs with me. And although it is my name in the cover of this book, and
although I will share only my own diary entries, what you are about to read is a joined
venture of several souls who dared to open up. To be genuine, to be naked, to be
vulnerable.

I know I would not be inspired to go so deep within myself without them also opening
up to me. To all of them who took part in the co-creation of this book, my heartfelt
gratitude. Many of us were profoundly touched by this experience, and it is our desire to
open the door for others who might wish to do the same.

It would never be the same to simply write a book or a diary. Usually we are passive
when we write or read a book. This was one of the major differences here. We were
actively writing to each other, going deeper and deeper into our inner observation and
inner honesty, as the days went by.

We decided to give you the opportunity to have a similar experience by creating a new
literary gender, where you participate actively with the author in the creation of a new
chapter of your life. One that hopefully brings you into a much closer connection to your
soul. If you wish to take this journey in the same way it was created, you can email me
anonymously and accept the challenge.

Else, you are welcome to just keep reading this book, and we invite you to write your
own journal as you read, answering each chapter with an entry of your own.

In this way, we now extend this challenge to you. The rules are simple:

1) We must be totally open and honest, as if it were a normal diary

2) We must write every day for at least 1 month (28 days);
3) We shall remain absolutely anonymous to each other so that we can share absolutely
anything we feel.

Would you like to share a diary with me?


 Chapter 1

A NEW LIFE
Dear Diary,

As this is the first time I write you, I wish to let you know a bit about me. I don't want this to
be a huge text, so for now, I'll give you the basics.

Joe Wing is my pen name, and I am not your average every day guy. My life did not follow
the normal ways most people fall. I don’t judge it as good or bad. I just assure you it was
quite different from the norm. But it didn’t start very different from the norm. In fact, it
started in a quite classical way.

I was born and raised in a quite traditional family, in a small town of an European country.
My family (including grandparents, aunts and uncles) were very average middle class
people, quite simple, happy and quite traditional. I was raised inside the catholic religion,
and there was not one case of divorce in my entire family to this day.

So obviously, I was leading a quite traditional life while growing up. I started a relationship
with my childhood sweetheart (we started dating at 15!) and we were together for almost 8
years. We were "meant to be", the plan would be to go for marriage, kids, work weekdays,
have fun on weekends... the whole "normal" life.

I also took the regular academic way, I graduated as an engineer, and became a "rational"
and "intelligent" working human being. All seemed paved out quite well for a normal life.

But gladly the Universe had other plans and my life, which took quite many interesting
turns. I will not bother you now with the whole story, but I will go into it gradually over my
next entries. For now let's just say that I lived a very happy "normal" life and then I got the
courage to start to live according to my inner truths. And everything changed. 
And this is a bit about my background. I don't wish to make this text excruciatingly large so
I will stop for now and tomorrow I will write you again.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 2

SEXUALITY
Dear diary,

I notice that even though this is an anonymous diary, knowing that there is an actual
person reading me makes me kind of choose my words and the ways I share myself. I feel I
hesitate to be truthful. Like I want to control what you will think of me.

I don't want this. I want to be transparent and open. Please forgive me and have some
patience as i find my way into a more and more intimate and real communication. I will
remove this protective shell by simply going directly to where it 'hurts' the most.

I can tell you right away that the topics that I am more hesitant to share are also the most
important in my life: sexuality, love/relationships and purpose/spirituality. So i will break
the ice today by sharing a little bit about them.

1. Sexuality

In this life I usually say that since I was around seven years old I knew all there is to know
about sexuality (in theory). And I realised this area of life contained a huge power, the
power to make uncomfortable all the adults around me. For me it was very natural to talk
about sex; noticing the adults manifested huge shame and inhibitions when I asked certain
questions on the forbidden topic, this became a fun game for me. 

My practical explorations started at age 9, with a pretty neighbour of mine, with who I
enjoyed my very first orgasm by simply rubbing our bodies together, with our clothes on.  

I was always fascinated by the human mind and emotions. People and the way they
function inside was what interested me the most. Sexuality and my inborn naturalness and
lack of shame with it gave me a great deal of ease to approach and understand people
beyond the surface.

Be as it may, my first real sexual experience was deeply connected to love. I lost my
virginity only at 17, with my first love. It was perfect. Well… almost perfect.

I will share this on the next topic tomorrow.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 3

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Dear diary,

2. Love/relationships

Love has always been the central motivation, passion and driving force in me. It took me
many years to really understand Love and relationships, but my passion for Love and
human connections was so great that later my understanding of people and relationships
would even become my profession and life mission.

Little did I know that in spite of all the learning, experimenting and teaching, Love had still
great mysteries to reveal to my thirsty soul.

But let us start from the beginning. As I said in my previous entry, sexuality found its way
into my life very early, way before Love did. This is only normal as Love never rushes. 

I remember my first affective feelings around my 14 years of age. By then I was already
very good at reading and understanding people, especially women, since they interested
me the most. 

So it was quite easy for my friends to open and share with me about their crushes, their
lovers or their experiences. And, by then, most of my feminine friends were not so
impressed with men. Actually for most of the ones who had already tried to have sex, they
had it as a quite painful - or at least uninteresting - experience. Non of them had even
reached an orgasm on their first time.

All these reports brought a firm inner decision into me. The first time of my beloved would
be an exceptional one.
And in many ways it was. I started dating her when i was 15 and only 2 years later (old
ways, i know) we finally agreed to take the big step. It was the end of high school so we
went on a trip to an island with the graduates. And there, at night, on a beautiful hotel
room, we didn’t rush at all.

In fact, we took great time for romance, caresses, sharing, playing and exciting each other.
It took a long time for the natural nervousness of both virgins to fade away; but finally,
helped also by tiredness, we finally relaxed enough to actually make love. 

There were many preliminaries and great building up so that this would be a moment to
remember forever as perfect. And as the sun was rising out in the window, shinning
poetically above the ocean, we made love for the first time. And for the second. And third.
And we both had great pleasure and it was a beautiful memory for us.

Now, we were quite conscious teenagers, so we did use a condom. But when we
concluded our love marathon and we finally decided to take the protective rubber out, it
was ripped off. Totally gone. 

And so the ecstasy turned very fast into panic, the joy became fear and the great memory
that we were building was on the verge of becoming a trauma. Great and poetic first
time… yeah right! We were not ready for babies and our parents would kill us. We didn't
know what to do!

The panic lasted for a few weeks until we got back and managed to go to a doctor and
take a pregnancy test: all was fine, thank God! 

And I say God even though at this point of my life I was a fully devoted atheist.

I could only believe what i could see and experiment for myself, I was too smart for silly
fairy tales. I was definitely too intelligent to be brainwashed as some people around me
were.

This, of course, until something profoundly strange and dusturbing happened directly to
me. Something that i could see and experiment and feel.. but yet my skeptical mind would
never be able to explain it.
As this letter is already quite long, sweet diary, i will continue tomorrow.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 4

IN SEARCH FOR PURPOSE

Dear diary,

3. Purpose/Spirituality

Inside me there was always a certain something that was quite hard to explain... so I never
did. Actually this is the first time I will put this into words, and it is not easy... so please bear
with me. You see, ever since I was a child I always felt I was special.

Not special in a sense of being smarter or stronger... i just felt like i was more free than
anyone around me. This is quite tricky to explain, but I will try my best to make some sense
of it.

You see, I was always free to live anything, any experience, any idea, any opinion, without
staying 'stuck' on it. 

For me, experiences were merely that. An experience. And I recall how surprised I was
when I realised that others didn't have the same freedom. They would stay stuck to their
experiences/ideas/opinions.

For instance, I never quite identified myself with any particular point of view. So when the
moment came to discuss some issue between friends, I was totally free to choose any side
of the discussion, or change side if I agreed with the opposition's argument.

My logic seemed very intelligent to me: if someone was disagreeing with me and at a
point it becomes clear that his argument is more valid than mine, why would I not agree
with him? 
I mean, if he is right and I don't take his side, then that would mean that I would be wrong.
And I surelly didn't want to stay wrong. So for me was easy to see, understand and adopt
new (and many times fascinating) perspectives. I would even be happy and grateful to the
person who showed me the new perspective that I could not see before. I felt enriched.

But for most people, as I discovered over the years, they prefered to stay wrong than to
agree with a truth that is not fitting their opinions or ideas.. the ones they are 'stuck' to.

And thus, sadly, I had to witness again and again my friends and family suffer due to this
being 'stuck' on something. 

Too confusing? I will give you an unpopular example: For instance, someone would like a
football club, and if somebody proved with a good argument that another club is better, or
played better at a certain match, they would not agree and they would be totally hurt or
even angry with the person who brough up the very good argument and facts.

This was totally amazing for me. A game where 22 millionares - none of them related
personally to this person - are playing with a ball would become determinant to this
person's happiness.

Well, my happiness was (and remains) totally and unconditionally free from any silly game
that I play or watch. I never gave any of these things enough importance as to allow them
to affect my inner state. 

And what has this to do with purpose or spirituality? Well surprisingly more than you would
imagine. 

You see, I am - and I have always been - a seeker of Truth. What really interests me is to
discover what is the Truth and how can I know it. How can I live It. How can I be It. 

What I really long for is to know and discover Who am I in reality. 

And I noticed that most people define who they are by the things they are 'stuck' to. They
say they are this name someone gave them, a student in this course, a fan of this club, a
suporter of certain political party, the lover of this person.. they even define who they are
according to their opinions on a huge vareity of subjects or ideas. And if you 'attack' that
subject or idea, they immediately feel it as a personal attack. Because for them, that is part
of who they are.

But me.. I was not stuck to anything in particular. I had no interest for football, politics, for
my nerdy computer engineering course, my ideas, my opinions, relationships.. for me, all
these were things I had, not things I was. 

And for me was clear that if my name changed, if my football preference changed, if my
ideas changed, if my lover left me... i would still feel inside as being... well.. me. 

So who could I be?

Sweet diary, if I managed to make some sense until now, i hope you can empathise with
the dilema I had: Everybody was 'something'. I was nothing in particular, meaning i could
be anything... So who was I? And what was I to do? Why was I here? 

And these questions are at the base of most spiritual systems in the planet, and spiritual
paths were designed to bring us to the answers. To our purpose.

And for me this became a very serious drama inside: was there some purpose to this
whole life or was it all just a pointless race: grow up, study, get work, get love, marry, have
children, work more, make money, buy things, get old, die. 

Was that it?

For me that could not be it at all. I was sure that there was something more. And fate had it
planned that my life would become a living example of my inner Truth.

I was soon to have the first of some great revelations I had in my life. A revelation that later
brought me on a path of self investigation and soul discovery that would finally bring some
real meaning and purpose to my life.
Who could imagine that I would explore the answers to all my questions through the very
thing that, at the time, most interested me? 

That little huge thing called Love.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 5

AN OLD MAN OF 23
Dear diary,

Today is such an amazing beautiful day. It is so inspiring for me to live with so many
creative and even genius people!

Few of the guys here rented a new place in Budapest, so for the last days I moved to the
capital with them to give a hand with arranging the space, painting, decorating, etc. There
is still a lot to do, but we are working on it and I can already tell it will be a very special
place! I feel like a child again, constructing something new. My body hurts and is tired, but
my soul is ecstatic!

My last entries were very liberating for me. It is truly magical how things crystallise inside
when they are finally spoken (or written) out. Thank you for taking the time and having the
patience to read me, even when my way of being might be very strange or different than
the usual... 

But hold tight, it will get much stranger than this.

So where were we? Ah yes.. the life altering life experience which brought me a great
realisation that lead me to my purpose and to the amazing journey that my life has been
since then. Here we go.

As I mentioned before, my first lover and I were together for 8 years. From my 15 until
around my 23 years of age. I loved her deeply, and she loved me. After high-school we
both went from our small little town to the big city of Lisbon. Although each of us had their
own place, I was mostly in her house and we were practically living together. 
Not only were we lovers, we were also great friends. Very rarely would we argue, we had
deep trust and respect for each other. So everything seemed perfect. By all means and
measures we were the perfect couple and everybody (including me) was already guessing
the next steps in life: Conclude university, get married, build a family... the whole thing, like
our parents did.

But slowly i noticed that something was not right for me. One day as I arrived from the
classes to her house, she was sitting in the sofa eating something and watching TV. I said
hello, we shared a little kiss and I sat next to her... eating and watching TV.

There and then something dawned upon me. Something that had maybe been there for a
while but I wouldn't think about it, or I didn't want to see it. 

We were not 23 year olds... we had become like 2 old people waiting for death. Our life
was a total routine, we had long exhausted the initial passion, our sexual activity was down
to once a week, sometimes less. I was not excited to meet her, she was not even looking at
me when I arrived home.. there was no juice, no passion, no life in us. We were boring. I
was boring.

And yes, I had heard all those tings that passion is ephemeral, true love and friendship is
what lasts.. but boy oh boy did I not feel like that!

I never accepted that passion, excitement and daily ecstasy should go away. That could not
be true. 

Because, for me, to live a routine life, where everything was predictable and 'safe' (in my
world 'safe' was another word for boring and dead... life should not be safe, it should be
enchanting and amazing!) meant that there was no life. There was only existing.

Well, gladly I was alive inside. And I really wanted to live, to explore, to experience, to try
everything that my heart desired.. why not?

So this moment, when I realised where my path was heading, became like a defibrillating
shock that brought me back to life. 
The decision was made, for sure I was not gonna live like that. No compromises, no fear.
Either our relationship would change and become a volcano of passion, or I would change
myself and go on to another direction.

Being great friends, we talked about it, she totally understood me and we really tried to re-
ignite the passion but, long story short, we didn't manage.

After few months we finally accepted the obvious. We loved each other dearly, but we
were not in love anymore. The candle had burned out and we didn't even see it coming.
When we realised it, it was too late.

We had no idea how to keep or re-ignite the flame, nobody taught us. So, with great
sadness, but also fresh excitement, we put an end to it. We became (still today) just the
good friends that we were.

And this firm decision (thank God I took it!) was what opened the door for the above
mentioned big revelation.

Until my 23rd year of life I was following what everybody felt was the 'normal' way to live.
But now, after this liberating decision - and painful but needed break up - I was suddenly
fresh again. 

I had no idea what would happen, or what my life would be. So many possibilities ahead... i
felt alive again, not knowing, not planning.. just open for whatever life woul bring me.

And my God did life respond accordingly... what came after was something that even in
my wildest dreams I would not be able to imagine.

You see I had just broken up with my first and only girlfriend until then. I had never been
with another woman.. and being single at 23 after 8 years of life together.. felt like I would
not want a relationship again any time soon. 

I thought I would want to explore the pleasures of the body, have some affairs and get the
most of out of my recently aquired freedom.
Well, something I learned is that when you are open, and you don't contract or resist, life
will always bring you huge surprises. Things you could never had planned yourself, but
that come very naturally if you just align with the Universal flow.

Little did I know that I was soon to be again in a Love relationship. And not only with one
girl, but with two... at the same time...! 

How did I end up in such a rare situation? Well I can tell you that it came as much as a
surprise to me as it probably is coming now to you...

I will share it next time. Thank you for reading me.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 6

LOVE BECOMES PLURAL

Dear diary,

I am more and more in love with this crazy people I am living with. Yesterday while we were
carrying furniture and painting, one guy spontaneously started to sing. Not any particular
song, just emitting sounds. 

After no time another of them joined in. And then another started clapping, another
beating the hands on a table, I also joined singing... it lasted around 5 minutes and it was
so amazing the vibration, the harmony, the beauty... after 5 minutes, as if nothing had
happened, all became silent and we continued to work.

These simple things bring great joy and happiness to my soul. It makes me feel connected,
intimate.. makes me feel love. And with Love, let us continue.

There I was, a single young man of 23 years old, well raised and well behaved , thirsty to
discover how love and passion work and how they can last in a love relationship.

I realise that yesterday I phrased  having 2 girlfriends at the same time as being a rare
situation.

Well, I must admit that in reality it is a rather common thing. Many people have had (or
have presently) more than one lover at the same time.

But my situation was indeed rare… you see, I didn’t mean to have even one lover, let alone
two. And how this came to be is really quite unique.
It started from an inner reflection over my own feelings. I felt something which was quite
disturbing for me at the time: I felt that I could love more than one woman at the same
time.

And this could not be right. I had a deep pre-conceived idea of what true love should be...
and it defenetly could not be something shared. 

Every movie, every book, every story i had seen until then, all the social examples i had...
the whole world had taught me that there is only one true love. 

And if you love more than one, than surelly that must be lust or passion, it cannot be true
love at all.

Still.. when i looked deep into myself, and when I was honest enough, I discovered that my
way of Love was not at all limited to one person.

At that time, I was still rather radical and rebellious on my approach. And I really felt I was
on to something. 

You see, looking at the world, it was clear for me that most long relationships were not
ecstatic. The best ones were merely great friendships. 

At a point I even felt that there must be something wrong in the accepted social way of
having relationships as it was not producing great happiness or joy. 

It was not producing poetic moments or divine inspirations.. it was mostly nothing like
what I saw on movies or read on books. 

Most relationships I knew were sometimes quite painful and dramatic, making me very
puzzled on how people beleived that this hurt producing thing had anything to do with
love. Even the best relationships I knew..  they were simply normal.

And for me normal was not enough. I longed for ecstasy.

But I could not speak for others… nor could I change on others some very deeply rooted
social beliefs on how love should be. 

I could not impose on others a different view upon relationships just to please my newly
found vision of love.

I could only change myself. And so… I changed. 

I took one of those firm decisions that turns life upside down.

Looking to myself and knowing that I personally was able to love more than one woman at
the same time, I saw that I could not ever again tell a women that I would love her and only
her. Because that would be a lie. 

And living a lie would not help my search for Truth.

So I decided that from that moment on, when I would have feelings for a woman I would
let her know that I could love more than one woman at the same time. 

I was not naive enough to think that women would accept my vision, so basically this
decision was an inner acceptance that I would, from now on, be forever alone.

Or so I thought. As it turned out, Life had much more interesting plans for me...

Love, 

Joe
 Chapter 7

SHARING WITH THE WORLD

Today I'm touched by a special feeling and I feel to share it with you.

I didn't yet tell you much about my present moment but i have been for a few months in a
kind of spiritual retreat since I came to this place of Art and Artists.

Prior to this I was a quite public, social and active person. But here I kind of let my old life
behind, and for months I was not even using my phone/computer. 

And when I finally picked up my phone, and installed this brilliant app, i had no patience
for common banal talks. So I was inspired to send out this challenge to several people to
try and have a more human communication. 

Some people simply didn't reply, some just said no, some said yes but didn't do it and
some said yes and really took it. And the sharings and the heart and the feelings of each
person writting me, is of an incredible beauty. It is so touching and refreshing to feel real
human beings with real questions, doubts, joys, desires.. real hearts and real
communication. This is touching my soul.

And I didn't think when I started that this would become, on my side, like a sharing of a
mini biography of my life. It just happened naturally. 

Even more fascinating is that the people who still write me (you) are - without knowing -
kind of co-creators of my sharings, as it is your courage and openess that bring me to a
sense of intimacy that inspires me to share this or that episode of my life, even if at times it
is something quite personal.
And as you open more and more and share more of your heart and your inner life with me,
the more I see that a part of me is there in that story also.. and that life is like a mirror that
brings at the right moment the right messages.

I am a bit touched today as I feel these sharings are bringing some kind of closure to many
things of my past... and I guess I just wanted to thank you for being there, for reading... for
opening, for sharing. For being a part of this episode of my life.

From my heart, thank you.

Lovely diary,

Life is getting more and more interesting by the day. I was invited to keep a workshop in a
month or so. I thought this part of my life was over and done with. But it seems I will once
more go back into the world... i confess that I am enjoying being in 'retreat'... let us see
how it goes and if it will really happen.

Going back now to this decision that would make me be alone for the rest of my life:

Once my inner truth became clear, the choice between lying or being alone was an easy
choice for me. Truth had always taken the first place in my life. Even to the cost of my own
pleasure, comfort, security… anything. Truth was always the most appealing thing for me.

So there I was, taking this life-altering decision of never again (so I thought) having a
girlfriend, and starting a life of peaceful exploration and study of Love, but only in a
philosophical way.

I told all my friends about my perspective, and even my parents. That was quite a scandal,
as they were expecting me to follow the “normal life” of marriage. By now it was totally
clear for me I didn’t want at all to be married. That was not for me. 

I wanted to be in love. And I was in love with life and with my search for meaning, purpose
and Truth.
So, long story short: I announced my truth to the world! I was going to love freely, whoever
I would fall in love with, even if I would not be loved in return. And I would not allow a
relationship to be something that hinders me to Love, to be happy, to be free. 

And then followed a few amazing months of blissful... solitude. 

Even if I was doomed to never have a relationship again, I was happy. Because I was me. I
was real. I was in tune with my inner feelings, with no fear to come out and admit how I felt.

But after a few months I met a woman that help me to change myself - and my life -
forever. 

During the months after my love-liberating announcement, I met several women that
interested me and, just as expected, when I explained to them how I felt about love and
relationships, they would gradually go away. And I smiled and accepted it as the normal
reaction that would follow me throughout my life forever. 

Mind you, this was way before even the word polyamory became famous. There was no
talk of open relationships in my circles at that time. For me this was a true personal
revolution, and not something that I picked up from somewhere. It was a truth that came
from deep within.

But my days of stagnation and peaceful solitude were coming to an end.

Because after a few months I met Mary. 

I absolutely loved her at first sight. And after we talked it just became more and more
profound. I enjoyed greatly our talks... but i knew that soon would come the moment for
me to drop the bomb of my view upon love, and watch her go away.

So one evening I prepared myself for the great goodbye. I told her very openly that I really
liked her and that we were getting very close, so it was my duty to inform her, that I was not
like most guys… I was able to love more than one woman at a time, and I would love more
women, not only her. 
And she smiled as if that was none of her business, and casually said with a loving smile:
“that’s fine, you are free to love as many women as your heart can embrace”.

Shock. 

This was not the usual response to the words I had just uttered. Most women wanted me
for their own. Like a possession.

Mary wanted me… to be happy and free. And this was totally new for me.

She became not only my girlfriend but also my first teacher of Love and Spirit.

With her I learned and practiced the mechanics and functionings of lasting passionate
relationships and of absolutely life-altering sexuality (remember how I thought I knew
everything about sex? well I was in for a great surprise…!). 

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 8

A SPIRITUAL GIFT
Dear diary,

Most people I knew found sexuality to be one of the most intimate things you could share
with someone. I thought I was very open sexually and thus very intimate. But I was soon to
discover that my sexuality was very far from being intimate.

Mary brought with her several revelations... and the first one, which was quite a shocker for
me, was a spiritual one.

You see, most people are either believers or non believers. At this point of my life I had
softened a bit, I had just started to practice yoga, and I felt a bit more 'connected' to
spiritually, but I was still a proud rationalist and atheist. 

And along came Mary bearing 3 precious gifts:


 1. A Spiritual Gift

2. A Gift of Love

3. A Gift of Freedom

These gifts she offered me with her own example, with her own life, with her own being. I
will share with you today about the first one. 

1. A Spiritual Gift

Mary was an open gate towards the mystical areas of life. She was fascinating in all her
mysteries. And these areas that were totally unknown for me, exerted a huge attraction
upon my being.
Getting to know her meant getting to know that I was profoundly ignorant in certain areas
of Life. And being a loving initiator, Mary did not go full force and throw her very dear idea
of Divinity into me. No... she was kind, extremely intelligent and wise. She paved the road
towards spirituality with bricks that were somehow known for me. She used yoga.

By this time she started to practice yoga together with me... but it was far from the
gymnastic yoga we see around. This yoga was more like a personal development course,
with  teachings in mostly all areas of life. Including the juicy area of sexuality. To my dismay,
they would also mention from time to time God and spirituality.

It seemed there was no way around it. The universe clearly wanted to show me something.

The great change of my perspective upon spirituality came when we went on a special
retreat for initiation into a very ancient lineage of yoga. The teacher of that lineage was
coming to Portugal to offer that initiation.

So there we went on a beautiful weekend to a sacred place in Portugal called Fatima (it is
quite famous, you can google it), to get this yoga initiation. 

I did enjoy the teachings and practice, and I can say that I even saw the light... (quite
literally! During a part of the initiation, with my eyes closed, I saw the most beautiful
shinning light!).

But the Spiritual gift that I got there came in the simple and unassuming form of a book.
This book touched me so profoundly that it totally transformed my entire view upon
spirituality, yoga and even God. 

For many years I kept that book very close to me, and I even offered it to some friends. Not
many though, as I was aware this book was special, and it would come to each person at
the right time in their life, when they would be ready. 

And I was just happy that I was ready, and that my search for Truth and Purpose had finally
found some answers. 
Now i was sure that indeed there were parts of reality that are unseen by most people (just
like radio waves are unseen but nowadays we use them because now we know they exist
and how they work, but few years back they would call a radio something magical because
it works with things which are not visible and that were at the time unknown).

So, there and then i realised that there was an invisible Truth to be found. My heart
awakened and I became a passionate seeker of Truth and Love on a much deeper level.

Mary was preparing the soil of my heart so that the future seeds i would receive could bear
proper fruit. 

And this was the first big transformation this relationship brought me: i became a spiritual
seeker. 

Not a believer, not a non-beleiver. But merely someone who truly wants to know - now
even more - the Truth.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 9

A GIFT OF LOVE
Dear diary,

2. A gift of Love

This was, and is by far, one of the greatest gifts I ever received. The gift of being initiated
into True Love.

As I mentioned before, I had the sex thing pretty much figured out (at least I thought so...),
but love and relationships were still a gigantic puzzle for me. Mary was a grandiose teacher
in this area. 

She was the kind of woman all men admired and desired, but her natural presence and
mysterious power made it so that most men kept a respectful distance. 

Also, her presence had quite an impact on women. They also desired and admired her,
and she easily became an inspiration and caring friend for all the women around her. She
always listened, nurtured and loved them. 

In her presence all beings were uplifted. She had that magical touch of Love, that was
adorned with such a delicious humor, that any hard situation would melt under the
sweetness of her inner joy.

So our relationship started, as all relationships, filled with passion and love. We were
delighted practicing some secret sexual yoga techniques, and we were becoming quite
good at it. I was more and more open, and more and more connected to her. 
Every time we made love our beings fused and melted more and more into each other. I
faced many inner challenges, as to love in this way I had to dare to be totally open and to
fully surrender myself to the experience of Love. I realised I could do the sex thing, but
love scared me. I had profound fears that were hidden until then.

But under Mary's loving care, I ventured deeper and deeper into my heart and
vulnerabilities. I went closer than ever to my soul. 

And slowly Love stoped being an enigma. It became like a rare book that I could read on
each curve of my lovers body. It became the shine of the silent smile we would offer each
other with a loving gaze. It became the unspoken understanding of the plenitude that
each one of us is.

Slowly that woman became alive inside me. And I became alive inside her. Words became
less and less important as we deepened our yogic practice of love... more and more we
could totally feel and intuit each others needs and wishes. We became almost one being in
two bodies.

Now, at this point I had totally forgoten my free love resolution. This journey was just too
fascinating, and there was so much to feel, to know, to experience.. the more time passed
the more love I felt. I didn't even think about being with anyone else.

But Mary could by then see very deeply through me. She knew this open way of loving was
important for my soul's development and evolution. So one day I got the most disturbing
call from her. She was at a lunch with some friends, where she had just met a girl - Sonja -
who she wanted me to meet.

I was very puzzled.. why did she want me to meet a girl she had just met? Well, I didn't
have to guess, she was kind enough to inform me, in her joyfull and happy way. With
genuine enthusiasm she told me:

'You have to meet this girl because you will fall in love with her! Shall we arrange a lunch
together the three of us tomorrow?'

Everything stoped inside of me.

When you like to be the open one, and to shock people with your lack of inhibition, having
someone do it way better than you was quite disturbing. I was a bit overwhelmed but I said
yes, and the meeting was arranged for the next day.

Now there I was, a supposed confident man, who knew already many things about life and
about himself, who most times acted as a secure and helping hand to his friends... and
now look at me. Shaking. Nervous. Sweating. You could tell I was scared.

The next day I went to the meeting point Mary had arranged for us... and there I met my
soon to be lover, for the first time. And as soon as I saw her I knew - and she knew - that we
were lovers at heart. We immediately fell in love with each other. 

And Mary was nowhere to be seen. We called her and she said - again with her contagious
joy and laugher - that she wouldn't go. That this was a moment for me and Sonja... and that
she was very happy that we met each other.

Many things went through my mind at that moment. That woman knew me so deeply well
and could feel so much of my soul that she could identify a women that would awaken my
heart and my love. And knowing this she totally offered to me and Sonja this sacred gift of
Love. 

Mary loved me so much that she would easily overlook any possible inner fear or jealousy,
just for the bliss of seeing me happy. Seeing me open. Seeing Love flow through me. 

You see, Mary already knew one of the greatest secrets of Love: the greatest joy one can
have is the joy we offer to the ones we love.

This was a very rare initiation. Because it is one of those special things that you cannot
learn from books. You cannot get it mentally. It is not something logical and cannot be
explained. True love can only be passed on directly, from someone who has it, to someone
who is open to receive it.

And once someone loved me in this full, complete and unconditional way, something was
transformed to the depth of my soul. 
I discovered that all I ever wanted, all the yearning for purpose, all the confusion, all the
insecurities... it all came from a profound desire that I didn't even know I had: what I truly
really wanted was to be loved exactly as I was.

Meaning that I could share all of me with that woman... and it was fine. She loved me even
more at each mask that I removed.

This slowly opened me to genuine intimacy. No masks, no games.. just me with all my flaws
and virtues. Just her with all her inner and outter particularities. 

Just us and pure Love.

And this was a gift that would soon become a beautiful and heartfelt mission for a greater
part of my life. I was later to become a kind of "love doctor", doing coaching sessions on
love, relationships and sexuality.

I found many times fulfilment in applying this mysterious initiation of True Love with my
clients. I learned to love and accept them as they were. And then I just had to rejoice and
observe their lives change for the better. Love never failed.

I recently read a phrase that pretty much sums up this lesson of love for me, and today I
will leave it here as a gift for your soul. I hope it will touch you in some way:

"I didn't come here to teach you. I came here to love you. Love will teach you."

Thank you for your caring attention.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 10

A GIFT OF FREEDOM
Life with artists is so intense. No two days are the same. And things happen at a very fast
pace and with great spontaneity.

A part of the people here are filmmakers and actors, and yesterday they just invited me to
go on a roadtrip with them to film a part of their next movie.

I said 'sure, what time we leave?' 

"Be ready at 7h30 a.m."

Just like that, life changed once again. For the next week i'll be on the road as an assistant
filmmaker!

We are now going through Romania towards the black sea, on a hunt for castles and
seaside caves to shoot some scenes.

I might fall in love with this art thing, these people and their life style... there's a certain
freedom in it which really resonates with my soul.

And talking about freedom, here is my entry for today:

Dear Diary,

3. A Gift of Freedom
There I was, a young man - who thought he would have to sacrifice his love life in order to
follow his principles and his search for truth - having now not one but two relationships at
the very same time.

Now, when I decided that I would love more than one woman, I have to admit that I never
thought about the practical part of it. I guess I didn't really believe that this would ever
really happen. It was just a concept that felt right to me.

But now that this was becoming a dangerously real happening, I didn't really know what to
do. How do you manage two relationships at the same time? I for sure had no idea.

But even if this was the first time that any of us was in this situation, it all happened in a very
natural and sweet way. We really loved and cared for each other. 

Mary and Sonja, although they never became lovers with each other, they were united by a
profoundly loving sisterhood and they never competed or had fights. They just wanted the
other one to enjoy as much hapiness as possible, and their friendship still lasts until today.

The following period of time was just amazing. I feel the Universe was showing me the
ideal situation so that I would always know in the futute how a love relationship should be.
And i never forgot it. Even when life once again took a rather steep turn.

One day, Sonja came to me a little nervous saying we should talk. She was a very intense
woman who had the purity and playfulness of a child. She was innocent, enthusiastic and
joyful. So when I felt how serious she was, I got worried.

"Joe... you know Joseph? Well.. i kind of fell in love with him..."

I sighed in relief. Love was not a problem for me, the more love, the better! But that was
not the whole thing. 

Although Joseph knew our life style and was a good friend, this was not his thing. He
wanted a traditional relationship... and Sonja was discovering she wanted the same.
So practically she was saying she wanted to stop being with me in this way. And I was
amazed to witness a total absence of sadness, jealousy, anger or anything negative inside
of me. 

My sweet Sonja was in love. I knew how amazing it is to be in love. And I wanted the
greatest happiness in the world for her.. how could I be sad?

Well, I couldn't. I was very happy and joyful for her. And we all became very dear friends,
together with Joseph.

After a few months it was Mary's turn. She was in love also and she got a great job
opportunity in another country. And she decided to take it. And again I could not feel
anything bad. I was happy and even filled with enthusiasm for her great new adventure.

And this marked the end of this wonderful episode of my life. And it came with a great gift
that became that true revolution I mentioned before: The gift of Freedom.

You see, I was already used to not getting stuck to experiences, but now it was different. It
was not that I was not stuck. It was that I became free.

All my life I had this idea of scarcity of love. For all my friends love seemed like something
rare and difficult to find. And after we find it seemed that it was hard to maintain. And if it
didn't go well, it was also very hard and painful to end.

So I believed that this was the normal way. But this episode of my life brought me this
sweet gift of Freedom from all these ideas.

Meaning that never again in my life would I be afraid that I would be alone. I never again
thought that there was not enough love around, or that I was not fit for it, or that I was too
strange to deserve it.

My view went from scarcity into abundance. A huge abundance of love.

So I would never again even consider to negotiate my freedom to be... well... me. 
Love would never again be a business where I would trade things. Spirituality brought me
to Love and Love brought me to Freedom. I was totally free to be me, to live, love and be
as my heart desired.

And after the delightful goodbye of my sweet beloved Mary, I grew into different beautiful
lasting relationships, which were committed but open at the same time, which gave me
space to learn a lot about life.

No other relationship was ever so easy and soft as the one with Mary and Sonja. This first
relationship became like a reference of what I wanted to achieve. But as life would have it,
this would not come easy. And it was not always good.

Having several relationships in parallel, I was able to explore many nuances, to get to know
many patterns, experiences, fears, ecstasies...

But also a lot of failing, trying again, exploring, hurting women, getting hurt by them,
asking forgiveness, practicing to forgive and let go... all in all learning the amazing science
of Love by living a very rich life.

And all this was necessary... you see, fate had planned that in this life I would become a
teacher of Love, Life and Spirit. This would be revealed later as a big part of my meaning in
life. And all these peculiar situations were the training for me to grow into that role.

This episode with its 3 lessons of Freedom, Love and Spirituality, composed the symphony
of my awakening to the Truth.

If I would be sad and depressed after my first lover, then maybe I would not involve myself
with Mary. And if I would have become attached to Mary, then maybe I would reject the
experience of meeting Sonja.

And if I had believed that I was lucky to find these 2 rare women who accepted me as I
was, if I became afraid of never being accepted again and if this fear would have made me
try to keep them when they wanted to go, then I would probably miss the next, and
incredible, love experiences life brought me.
And thus I would probably not qualify for the next great experience of life. An experience
that would prepare me for this life of Teaching. I was having great experiences but I was
still missing something very important. A role model that I could follow. A trainer or a
mentor for my path.

But gladly, this great moment of my life was just around the corner. The buddhists say that
when the disciple is ready the teacher appears.

And as I became ready, my Apprenticeship started with a mystical meeting with a very very
wise man.

More about it next time.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 11

MEETING A WISE MAN

These people are amazing and crazy and very enduring.

We were on the road all day yesterday, we left home at 8 in the morning and arrived to our
sleeping place past midnight. 

And on the way, on a mountain road somewhere in Romania, there was an accident so the
traffic stopped. We were literally stopped for at least one hour. But this was no problem for
our group.

They put loud reggaeton music, got out of the car and started to dance, right there on the
middle of the road.

As I looked at them, the music, the joy in their faces, the beautiful dancing.. the smile in the
faces from the other cars, the mountains and trees and a river next to the road... a certain
sweetness poured into my heart. I think i'm falling in love with these people. 

Well.. lets see if I can find the energy to write a little of my diary today:

Dear diary,

Do you know that personage from the stories who has always a long white beard, is quite
old and extremely wise? Like Arthur had Merlin, Harry had Dumbledore or Frodo had
Gandalf?

Well today I wish to share with you that such people really do exist. And they may not
always have the long white beard, and maybe they are not always that old... but they are,
indeed and litalerally, magical.
This is for me a very personal sharing of how I met a man who would bring me to the
greatest teachings and realisations of my life so far. Someone who finally managed to
quench my thirst for Truth.

I would have enough stories with him to fill an entire book. These stories are sometimes a
little fantastic, or even paranormal, to say the least. 

Still I decided to write them here exactly as I lived them, changing only the necessary
details to assure we continue anonymous and unidentified.

I chose to select for you only three of the many episodes I had with the wise man. An the
first is the story of my first meeting with him.

1. Meeting with a remarkable man

At this point of my life I was more and more into yoga. The techniques really made me feel
good and healthy, and the whole philosophy of the lineage I was following was presented
in a quite scientific way. It made sense, even when it talked about invisible things like
channels of energy or centers of consciousness. 

I was by now open enough to listen to such things. But I always kept my good old
skepticism close by, and I was far from being a believer. I was just curious.

And being very passionate about learning, i didn't restrict myself to the classes I was
attending weekly. I went on to try out other yoga systems and other teachers. I liked very
much this period of investigation.

At a point I went to a yoga retreat where around 3000 yogins from all around the world
would come together to practice.

And it was during this event that I first met this wise man. And meeting him was already an
event by itself. It is not easy to share this, knowing that my words can never transmit
correctly what happened there. But I will try.
It was the middle of the afternoon and we had just concluded a 30 minute meditation in
nature, a lot of people moving around as the program was over for the time being and we
were returning to our place. 

In the middle of that confusion there was an announcement but that I didn't quite
understand. So I thought to ask someone about it.

And there I saw him for the first time. The only first impression I had was that he was really
really tall. His back was turned to me so I touched his shoulder to call his attention so that I
could ask about the announcement.

And as his body turned to face me, so did my entire world turn around. As soon as his eyes
looked into my eyes, the whole world stopped. The sight of his eyes was like I would be
looking into the emptiness of the cosmos. Like if they would be deep. 

As our eyes met something very strange started to happen also in the rest of my body. My
legs started to shake, I felt a certain tingling in my chest area and right after, I felt my chest
expand lie a balloon and explode in all directions, giving me an indescribable feeling,
almost orgasmic but of a different quality and intensity. 

It was a state of profound ecstasy. I became totally blissed out, feeling that all the cells of
my body had just exploded into Love and there was a grandiose celebration happening all
over my being.

Now, from the inside this whole thing seemed to last forever. Like time had stopped. And
the feeling i'm trying to explain here is not a metaphor... I was litetally in ecstasy, feeling
the greatest bliss I had ever felt until that monent in my whole life.

But outside it all happened in the span of a few seconds. He turned to me, i think I said
something about what was the announcement, he replied something short and turned
away from me again.

But those seconds were one more of those moments that were to change my life forever.
Those eyes had such a profoundness and the inner feeling was so intense... that I felt I
wanted to change my whole life, just to be close to him.
I was a relatively smart young man by then. I knew what was happening. I had just fallen
totally in love with that unknown man. Quite literally, it was love (and ecstasy) at first sight.

And not the romantic or passionate kind of love. But the sublime love that a good student
feels for an amazing teacher. A love so strong and so deep that is incomparable to any
other kind of human love.

That unknown man was soon to become my teacher of Yoga, of Love and of Life. And I was
soon to become his very ardent and passionate student.

And although his beard was small and not totally white, and although he was not that old
at all, being somewhere in his 40s, he was - and still is to this day - a very very wise and
magical man.

This marked the start of my real spiritual journey.

Thank you for reading me.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 12

MEETING A WISE MAN

Do you have those moments in life when you simply know what you have to do?

And sometimes its not something grandiose... its just simple things that are needed and
you somehow know that is your task, even if nobody asked you?

Like this moment I am living now. We are now at the shore of the black sea, staying in a
nice house. They are super busy (I had no idea that just the make up of one of the
actresses could take more than one hour!), and something inside me just knew that my
role here was to take care of the practical things so they can focus totally in their creative
work.

This means cleanings and cooking. Today I was cooking lunch for all of us and preparing
sandwiches for them to take in the afternoon for the shooting.

I always find great joy in serving others and serving projects I believe in. It was something I
learned a long time ago... let me tell you that story today:

Dear diary,

Its hard to explain the impact that meeting one of your life Teachers has. The only
comparable thing is the feeling of falling in love. The main difference being that here you
are not falling. You are rising. 

And just like people often change their life when they start a love relationship, I also felt
deeply to change mine: I would no longer be an engineer. By this time I was already
working in consulting companies and it sucked the life out of me. I wanted to follow this
path that became fascinating for me, and I wanted to teach it to others.

My teacher was very serious and responsible when it came to forming new teachers. His
concern was not that I memorised very well some theory or that I knew how to perform
some techniques. 

He taught me that true transformation is the only proof of a genuine teaching. And
continuous transformation was the basic skill of a true teacher.

So it was not enough that I practiced. If I was training will power, I had to prove it was
working by concluding successfully different projects in the world.

If I was training yogic sexuality, then my sexual interactions would have to clearly reflect
that, in time, quality, quantity and most important, in level of inner ecstasy felt and
produced in my lovers.

If I trained meditation I had to be able to remain focused and relaxed in the most intense
life situations.

The ways of my teacher were not very popular in the fast-food consumer soceity of the
early 21st century.

In other yoga schools I could take a month (or even less!) course and become a yoga
teacher. 

But my Teacher was different. It was not so much about time, it was about transformation. 

It took me almost 5 years to become accepted as teacher of Yoga. And even if the teacher
training course was for free, I certainly had to pay for it. And the price was my limitations,
my misunderstandings, my bad habits. The price was to sacrifice my illusions.
My teacher was not concerned with creating believers or followers. His focus was upon
practice and obtaining results. "One gram of practice is worth tons of theory", he always
said. 

And so my practice started, I joined a spiritual community of yoga practitioners and I

started to shape my personality into what a genuine teacher should be.

Few things in life are more precious than a Teacher who is a good example of his own
teachings.

And the first big lesson was service and humbleness. In the path my Teacher offered, the
teachers were to be humble servants of Truth. They should have no motivation to teach
other than compassion for their fellow beings.

And so I started to train to serve. I did everything from cleaning, cooking, moving, painting,
constructing... this was an important integral part of my yogic training.

There is a great power in serving something higher than ourself in an altruistic way.

And i discovered this when I sacrificed one of my limitations. It was during a part of my
teacher training where we trained some special practices for investigating subtle realities. 

We went through deep purifications for a few months and at the end we did a fasting of 3
days. This meant 3 days without any food. All we would drink was water. Nothing else.

The first day of fasting was kind of fine. The second I was dizzy and very tired. On the third
day I was incapable of standing. I would walk a bit and I had to sit down. I felt like I could
barely move, such was the weight and heaviness of my body.

And then something happened. A huge rain fell, and there was a flood. The basement in
our house was full of water. And my Teacher jumped immediately into action, getting
buckets and starting to take out washing machines and other sensitive materials. I jumped
to my feet and started taking water out in big buckets of 15litters.
Those were very heavy buckets, and I was carrying them up and down the stairs for more
than 3 hours. Some mysterious force had taken over my body. There was nothing left of the
flimsy, lazy and weak man that was in me just a few moments before.

I had heard about people manifesting super-human strength in limit-situations, but for me
this was a clear proof that my body didn't have as many limitations as I thought it did. 

Even without the normal supply of food, it still managed way above average on intense
and prolonged physical effort.

This was the first proof I had that most of my limitations were not real.. they just existed in
my mind. 

You see, before the rain and the flood, my mind was telling me how hard it was for my
body to manage without food. My mind told me I was exhausted. My mind created all this
lazy weakness and I made it real by believing it.

But as soon as my mind totally focused on a need that was much more important than my
whining, my whole body followed. As soon as I propose myself to serve humbly for the
benefit of others, then there was this force in me.

And from then on, every time I put myself at the service of something higher for benefiting
others, not focusing on me or on my limitations, I would discover this mysterious presence
in me that was without my limitations. 

I would discover in time that most physical things start in the mind and can be transformed
by the mind. 

But that was just the beginning. I would learn later, while teaching my own students, that if I
attuned to the correct inner state, I could even answer correctly to questions about things
that I didn't have previous knowledge about. So even wisdom seemed to be much larger
than my tiny being. 
Just as by being in service I could have unexplainable physical strength, I could also have
unexplainable wisdom, flexibility, love, concentration, and many other amazing results, just
by doing what was good and beneficial to others, without any personal agenda.

Truly the best way to learn is to teach. And I would discover this over my many years of
teaching. I would even dare to say that only when I started teaching the true learning
began.

There is a profound mystery in teaching and a huge power in bringing wisdom and
transformation to others in need. When we truly offer something to others, that which we
offer also stays in us. 

I guess that is why my Teacher said that the only love you can have is the love you give.
And I noticed that the best Teachers I had in life were themselves eternal students.

This teaching anchored itself deep in my soul. I would later in life be freed from this mental
limitation, being able to fast the same 3 days without loosing any weight, and keeping
normal activity throught the day.

And this was what my teacher qualified as a true transformation. I now knew something
that I didn't know before. But I not only knew it, I could show it for anyone to see: I could
go a few days without food and still function properly, and keep my body weight
unchanged.

This was one very visible transformation in my being, that can serve as proof and
inspiration for others. My teacher was always teaching through personal example and
direct exemplification of capacities he had developed.

The most fascinating one I experienced was one that took me out of a certain obsessive
curiosity I developed for hallucinogenic substances. I will share it next time.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 13

HERBS AND CONSCIOUSNESS

Dear diary,

2. Cosmic Experiences

For me to become a Yoga teacher, I would have to write a thesis on a subject that would be
selectef by divine lottery. Out of hundreds of topics, i got one about Herbs and
Consciousness. My teacher gave me more than one year to study and experiment with this
subject.

I had a great resistance at first, I didn't feel I had anything to do with that topic. I wanted
something more... sexy! But I accepted my fate and I started to read about different plants
and their effect on the human psyche. Slowly the subject became more and more
fascinating. And at a certain point I reached different informations about somethething
called psychedelics.

Mind you, I was by now around 27 years old and I had never been drunk in my whole life. I
came wired in a strange way and I never felt any interest for any perception altering
substances. 

So I wasn't drinking any alcoholic drinks, I had never tried a cigar, and I was never drinking
even cofee! My body was totally drug-free. 

I had some notion about drugs and I knew a category of them were making people have
visions and different strange effects. But I never gave it too much attention, as I didn't even
consider any possibility of ever trying such things.

Moreover, now that I had joined yoga, I was even more 'clean'. I had become a vegetarian,
and I was eating very healthy. I was very pure and even innocent in this area. 
So when I started to study these hallucination-giving drugs, I didn't feel any appeal to it. It
was just an academic research. This was until I found a text about one such psychedelic
drug, that was totally natural and that had the most powerful and potent effect on human
consciousness known to date.

When I saw that it was not a mushroom (I had heard stories about them) but a plant, I
thought that it could be an interesting topic to add to the project, since it was a plant, it
affected consciousness and it was the most potent that existed.

As my investigation continued and I got to interview some people who had taken this
plant, my interest grew more and more, to the point where I was kind of fascinated by it. 

Having this very strict "no drug" mentality I knew I was safe. I would never try out any
drugs, that was out of the question for me. Especially now that I was doing Yoga. But
indeed the curiosity and fascination for that particular plant became very strong.

When just a few months were missing for the deadline to deliver the thesis, I decided to
confirm with my Teacher  if it was fine for me to include such a controversial topic in my
study.

So I went to him and explained the situation... and I said I would like to study the
phenomena but of course "without getting personally involved in the study, I will just
interview people before and after taking the plant".

And there and then, my Teacher said something that I could not even conceive would ever
come out of his mouth. He said casually:

"But why not getting yourself involved in the study? Maybe this would blow a bit of your
skepticism away."

This sentence hit me like a thunder. I still feel it today. Very few times in my life words had
such a power. I thanked him and went away. I didn't ask anything else, I didn't argue, I
didn't listen. I went away.
My legs shaking, my body sweating a very cold sweat, and a fear mixed with tremendous
enthusiasm was swipping me of my feet. Was he serious? It could not be, my Teacher
would never recommend drugs.. but he did say that... was this..? was I...?

My confusion was strong for a while. I know for most people it would maybe not be much
of a problem, but for me it was a huge dilemma. Shouldn't my Teacher be against this?
What if I become addicted? What if I destroy my life? Or what if my mind goes crazy?

I mean, I had never even tried a cigar in my life! Was I going to just go ahead and try out
the most powerful hallucinogenic on earth?

Well... 

yes... yes i was.

(To be continued).
 Chapter 14

SACRED MEDICINE
Dear diary,

So... there I was getting ready to have my first ever drug experience. 

Being a scientist, i was preparing everything to the last detail. I had the intuition that the
way it is done would matter a lot.

Also I didn't want to do anything illegal. Luckily this plant was part of the tradition of
several countries and there it was perfectly legal. It was not considered a drug as it had no
side effects and it did not cause addiction. 

It was considered a sacred plant that helped people to heal and to get into contact with
the world of Spirit.

I didn't want to do this at home or with some regular person. I knew by now the value of a
good teacher. I wanted to have this experience right at the heart of this tradition, with a
proper guide that lived and breathed this spiritual practice.

And God didn't take long to bring me to the being who would become my guide in this.
He was a genuine practitioner, following his tradition very strictly, and bringing this
'medicine' (this is how he called it) to people. 

So I prepared everything and arranged to meet him for my experience. And me being
me... i didn't just go to try it once. I signed up for a whole weekend of 'work with the
sacred medicine'. 
That weekend, while driving with others who were also going to the place, i felt like a child
in Christmas eve. I was so excited... the things I had read about this experience were out of
this world. The effect of the plant was suposed to last from 5 to 8h.. so I would have plenty
of time to explore in depth this experience.

The car stopped in the side of the road, apparently in the middle of nowhere. The one that
was guiding us said that from there we would walk. So we went towards the forest, with no
particular trail to be seen. 

After some 15 minute walk we arrived to a place with several menhirs disposed in a large
circle. A kind of mini stonehenge. I was surprised such a monument was there without any
public access to it. Maybe nobody had found it yet. 

The tallest menhir was around 3 meter high, and at its bottom, quiet and serene, was
sitting the medicine man.

I loved him immediately. I could feel how he was somehow connected to my soul and to
my path... we immediately became friends. He had been a yogi himself, until he fell in love
with this plant and decided to give his life totally to bring this healing to people.

We were a small group of around 10 people who would have this experience. The
medicine man explained that we would start after sunset, when it would already be dark,
and we would do the ptactice the entire night until sunrise.

He told us that he would offer us to take that plant 3 times during the course of the night.
But that to take it or not was totally up to us, and if we would feel at a certain moment the
need to take a bit more, we could ask.

His attitude and full respect for each of us, and the obvious love he felt for that plant, made
me trust him. He was a good man. And he was there purely to help each of us to heal.

When the sun went down we made a nice fire at the centre of the circle and after a couple
of hours of talk, questions and clarifications, when all of us felt safe and confident, the
actual cerimony began.
The whole thing was very beautiful with traditional chants, drums.. it was very ritualistic.
And finally came the moment to intake this plant for the first time.

The medicine man went personally to each of us and offered the plant. We would take it,
swallow it and he would move on to the next. After all had taken it there was a moment of
silence and interiorization. The only sound was that of the wood burning in the centre of
our circle.

During my preparation I studied that this plant should take around 30 minutes to start its
effect. I was very expectant. After some time the medicine man started to play his drum
and to sing very beautiful songs.

Soon, all the group entered a kind of trance, some laughing, some crying, some clearly
seeing things that were not there... 

All except me.

I had absolutely no effect. As time passed and absolutely nothing was happening I became
very puzzled. Was my body too clean and it wouldn't react to this thing? Or was I simply
not supposed to have this experience like this and I should focus to achieve it in the natural
way of yoga and meditation?

A few hours passed and it came the moment of the second offering. Again the medicine
man went around and offered the plant to everybody.

Before offering to me he looked deeply into my eyes, he discretly whispered something to

the plant, and only then I took it. Again we sat in circle, in silence, and we became aware of
the effects.

Not more than 10 minutes passed until finally 'it' started.

I felt like my body was being enveloped into an invisible glove, starting from my feet and
moving up. I started to panic a bit. I was really feeling something very clearly moving up
my body. And the higher it went the more it scared me. The last thing I remember was that
'thing' reaching the level of my throat.

Next thing I know, i am on the floor, face down, with the medicine man touching my
shoulder and telling me in spannish: "what are you doing there on the floor? Come up!"

I sat up, a bit ashamed that I had fainted, but looking around, nobody could have cared
less. Each person was on their own process. As the medicine man sat down and restarted
to play the drum and sing, immediately that strange force came again rising up from my
feet up towards my head.

And this time I didn't faint. I entered into ecstasy. My whole body went into a state of
euforic orgasm, in such a strong way that I could not control it. I would be laughing like
crazy, moving my arms and legs, and I just could not stop. 

This orgasmic dance of mine lasted the rest of the night. At some point I just laid down, but
still I had spasms and small orgasms here and there.

I had studied in yoga about this state. Yogis enjoy this state consciously while meditating,
and without loosing any control over their body. Well... obviously I didn't have yet enough
consciousness to control such a gigantic amount of energy. So it just went all over the
place with absolutely no direction.

It was pleasurable, but I was not a seeker of pleasure. I wanted something else. I was
inspired that I should practice certain yogic techniques to be able to direct this energy
consciously.

As the sun was rising I was exausthed but extremely happy. I smilled at the first rays of light
and - very determined to prepare myself better for the next night - so that I would be able
to control such a tremendous energy - i gently fell profoundly asleep.

(Tbc)

 Chapter 15

COSMIC EXPERIENCE
Dear diary,

The second night was slowly approaching, so I got ready for my preparation. 

I started with some soft exercises and then moved to the most powerful yoga exercises I
knew by then. These were exercises that strongly awakened my inner energy and moved it
towards the higher levels of my being, bringing me a higher awareness.

I had also decided that I would not simply sit or lay around. I didn't want my body to move
out of control, so I was going to lock it into a yoga posture called siddhasana. This would
make me fairly immovable even if huge energies would awaken. Plus it would help me to
have more awareness and consciousness during the whole process.

I even made a small prayer for my Spiritual Teacher to guide, support and protect me in
this experience.

After sunset we again started a nice talk about the effects and benefits of this medicine
and, when it was already fully dark, we began the ceremony.

I took in the plant and, very focused and relaxed, I sat down in the yoga posture, remaining
absolutely immovable, with my spine and head fully straight.

And then 'it' started. My body once again wanted to move out of control, but I managed to
remain very lucid, very relaxed in the meditative position I had chosen. I was able to feel all
that energy as a living force, that I could manage to direct consciously.
Having studied in yoga about the subtle energy system of the body, I decided to move
that energy into my spine and then up towards the top of my head.

And... just as it was written in the yoga courses I got, but which I never experienced in
practice before, this moving up of the energies really worked.

All of that force concentrated itself in the channel along my spine and raised first into the
middle of my forehead, and only then to the top of the head.

This was "technically" what happened, which is the easy part to explain. But what I felt...
was much more interesting but much harder to explain. I will try.

The feeling was like a huge electric charge was running through my being. Do you know
how you feel that you usually are in the middle of your head? As if you perceive things
from there? I felt my center of perception move into my spine, and then up. 

And then, when 'I' reached the middle of my forhead it suddenly stopped. All that was left
was silence. Stillness and quietude. I opened my eyes, things were still happening around
me, but I was not there. There was the fire, the drum, the singing.. but it was not more real
for me than images on a tv screen. 

I was not there. So I closed my eyes and focused to the top of my head. And thus I started
to rise. I realised that who I am is not at all attached to this physical structure. I was not my
body, "I" was in my body. And I was free to move out.

As I kept rising, I realised many things I thought were real, to be.. nothing. My ideas about
me, my lovers, my family, my... everything. 

Nothing was mine. 

I continued to raise myself. I was side by side with planets, and then galaxies. I felt that "I"
was all that I could percieve. And I could perceive a lot, so I was huge.
And slowly there was emptyness. A calm, silent and very still emptyness. In the middle of
this emptyness appeared the face of my Spiritual Teacher... and I wondered if He was God?
But as I wondered this his faced vanished.

I continued to expand in this emptyness and another face appeared. I was not so familiar
with this one, but I had seem him before. It was an indian saint called Ramana Maharishi.
And I wondered again if he was God. And again the image disappeared.

The expansion continued... and at one point this emptyness became filled with everything
that exists... and I felt I was All and Everything. I felt I was one with God and God was one
with me. I could not perceive Him, as He was not something outside... He was this All there
is, which was also me. 

At this point I felt the process was complete. I opened my eyes, with my physical eyes I
looked at the sky and took a deep breath. The whole sky was breathing with me.

Everything was the same but it all felt very different. Like all perceptions suddenly became
ultraHD and super surround. Things were very clear, vivid and filled with details. All
experiences became extremelly beautiful. 

And I felt a profound calmness and centering. I was not different from all that I perceived,
being in a state of immovability, even if my body was moving around. 

I walked a bit outside the circle and I touched a tree. It was the first time I was really
experiencing a tree. Everything was so peacefully beautiful.

I could feel everything, the air entering my body, the earth under my feet, the sounds
going through my skin. I felt a kind of omnipotence. Like I could just will something and it
would happen. But I did not will anything.

I realised all was perfect just as it is. I sat down again, closed my eyes and remained in this
perfect stillness for the rest of the night. 

I remember at a point having the perception that I had a choice, to go and merge with this
Everything, or to stay and help my Teacher with the purpose of awakening human kind. 
I don't know if this choice was real or just a fantasy in my mind. But I chose to stay and help
my Teacher. And after that choice, my perception slowly came back to the physical body. I
could again perceive normally with my eyes and ears, but I was not the same.

I would never again be the same. 

The greatest difference I perceived was an immense state of Love. I felt like everybody was
my close and dear family. I felt Love and tenderness towards any being I would think of.

There was no need to sleep, even when the sun was finally rising, huge and orange, in the
horizon.

The experience was over, but not its effects.

For a while I believed that it was the plant that had given me this experience, even if all the
other people shared very different things. They had colourful visions, catharsis, death
experiences, sounds of nature... nothing like what I lived.

I later realised this experience had the silent and invisible blessing of my Spiritual Teacher.
I tried to take this plant a few more times after this, but never again I had a similar
experience. I had only the colourful visions, sounds of nature and states of deep
happiness. But nothing close to this.

One day, being with my teacher and a few other students, he suggested us to meditate
together. We sat down, closed our eyes and behold! I started to see colourful visions, and
to hear the sounds of nature that were so characteristic of the experiences with the plant.
And we had taken absolutely nothing!

We had a full "medicine" experience in just about 15 min. My teacher never mentioned
anything about it, in the end he just got up and left, but all of us who were there had
exactly the same experience, and at least 2 of us had previous experience with the plant,
and we recognised it immediately.
Plus, the experience started when the meditation started and concluded as soon as it
finished. My Teacher seemed to have control over not only his state, but also ours. It was
very special for me.

It became clear to me that plants are only a help for training at the beginning. We are not
meant to depend on them. It was clear that my teacher could get and even offer us the
same (or even higher) state just by meditating with us.

And thus my experiments with plants ended. I delivered my project and I graduated with
high mention. From then on I focused to achieve my results through yogic techniques.

My devotion was greatly amplified. Many things that didn't make sense before started to
come into place. Also my yoga practice became much better: i could now clearly feel
energies and enter deeper states.

I no longer had to believe things. I could feel, experience and experiment with them. 

My Teacher was right. This experience had blown a bit of my skepticism away.

I was more and more surrendered to my Teacher and I felt blessed to have him in my life. I
felt protected and guided. 

Having my Teacher's wise guidance and protection gave me huge courage and
determination to always keep going, facing whatever would come.

Unfortunately, soon I would make enough mistakes that eventually lead me to drift away
from this very wise man.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 16

A WISER MAN
Dear Diary, 

To tell you the story of how I parted from the protective wings of my beloved Teacher, I
have to take you a few years back. Way before I graduated from yoga, and way before the
plant experience. 

I have, until now, failed to acknowledge a very important person in my entire story. He has
been present, as an invisible friend, during all the events I have reported to you. I just
didn’t know exactly how to speak about him because, on one hand, His presence and
support are very dear and intimate to me; on the other hand, it is a little bit strange to
present you to someone I myself have not yet met in this life. Not physically at least. 

But now we have reached a point of the story that would not make sense without speaking
about Him. 

You see, my Teacher was an absolute genius. His intelligence, clairvoyance, awareness,
energy and willpower were absolutely out of the ordinary. He could do things that most
human beings can’t do. He knew things that most people have no idea exist and are real.
And he could demonstrate the things he talked about. He was the best Teacher I had ever
met in my life, being a perfect example of His teachings. 

But my Teacher, in all his humbleness, considered himself merely a student. An extremely
devoted and dedicated student. A disciple of his own Teacher. 

For the sake of ease of reading, I will refer to my Teacher’s Teacher as Professor.

For me, in my level of consciousness it was hard to imagine someone who would be
brighter than my Teacher. I mean, he was absolutely remarkable! So when my Teacher
would speak about the Professor, filled with devotion, humbleness, a huge love and
respect, it seemed strange to me. 

I could not imagine what the Professor could do that would be so impressive for such an
extraordinary being as my Teacher.

My Teacher always told me that it was incomparable the level he had with the level of the
Professor. He rarely tried to explain it, and when he did, it was in few emotional words. 

He would say that there was no subject that the Professor could not talk about in very
profound depth. He mentioned that he would talk to, and impress, academic investigators
on biology, physics, astronomy and many other fields of knowledge. There seemed to be
no boundaries to the wisdom the Professor had, even if he didn't even conclude high
school. And my Teacher was an investigator in quantum mechanics, so it was not easy to
impress him.

He also referred to the Professor, in several occasions, as a spiritual genius. Someone who
had managed to create a marriage between the ancient spiritual tradition of yoga, and the
modern scientific thinking. 

In fact, the entire yoga system I was learning, had been synthesised by the Professor. My
Teacher was just a messenger who had practiced most of the techniques until a
considerable degree of mastery. My Teacher was actually a result of the training the
Professor had given him.

The yoga system the Professor brought us was not focused in running away from the world
and staying closed in a cave somewhere in the mountains. 

It was designed to bring us to Realisation while we acted perfectly integrated in the world. 

So if you had a job, by practicing the yoga techniques and acquiring wisdom, you should
become the best at your job. If you study, you should get a huge improvement in your
results. If you have a company it should thrive even more after you started the spiritual
training. If you have lovers, the relationships should become extraordinary happy and
ecstatic. And so on. 
The idea was to perfect ourselves in all areas of life, including business, money, eroticism,
relationships, etc. My own Teacher was a grandiose example of this. 

I for myself had a certain fascination for poverty. I always found it poetic the idea of a
wondering monk, having no possessions and traveling from place to place. But I certainly
had no fascination for celibacy (a practice these monks usually followed very strictly). The
erotic part I enjoyed very much. 

So I postponed as much as possible the development of skills in the field of money. 

I had immediate results in university, just by training my mind I got a totally different
concentration capacity, which reflected into a very visible improvement of my academic
results.

I went from an average of 12 (grades were from 0 to 20), to a notorious average of 15. In
my university this was a very high grade where, due to its famous degree of rigour, the
best students had an average of 17. 

And I achieved this not by studying more, but actually by studying less (as my time was
devoted to yoga and lovers) but with a much greater attention.

Also in sexuality my devotion towards improvement was very strong... and I loved to
practice... a lot! So I also enjoyed great results. 

I will give you an example:

It must have been 1 or 2 years after I started to practice the erotic way of love in the form
that the Professor advised in his courses. There he said that sexuality should be an open
gate towards Sublime Love and Cosmic Ecstasy, and not just a means to release tension, or
have a little fast pleasure.

The yoga courses explained in detail the science of making love in a way that would lead
both man and woman to multiple states of orgasm and even to enlightment. 
One time, during a retreat, i was preparing to make love in this special way.

Every detail counted. We prepared ourselves, each in their own place, by showering,
getting dressed nice and perfumed for each other, we did some yoga techniques to
elevate our energies. She prepared the room with candles, fruits, red sheets on the bed, I
brought juice and a romantic/erotic music selection.

As soon as I entered the room I could feel the magic in the air. She was absolutely
astonishing with her long air hanging over her chest, her deep blue eyes caressing my
heart and my soul.

We took a moment of silence as to integrate ourselves into the greater harmony of the
universe, and then we started to touch, caress, smile.. love started to pour from all our
movements, from all our breaths. 

We adored each other beyond words. 

After slowly removing our clothes, we adored every part of our bodies, with caresses,
touches, kisses... we offered each other great pleasure in extended preliminaries. After she
had enjoyed her first few orgasms, like was recommended, we move to the main part.

We started to make love, first slowly, then more passionately, then slowly again. We would
change the position and continue our love dance. This lasted around 4 hours. At each
climax, done in the special way we were training, we didn't get tired or exhausted. We
were each time more and more energised!

And thus, filled with pleasure, love, passion and enthusiasm, at a point was the moment to
stop. We had to attend to the rest of the retreat. So we slowly came to a conclusion, we
remained hugging and sharing profound intimacy and Love for a few moments, and finally
we came into a sitting position, a little apart from each other to better feel the polarisation
of the energies between us. 

And there and then, I saw for the first time what the Professor meant in the courses by
Cosmic Ecstasy. 
My lover's body started to shake in an unnatural way. It would be impossible for her to fake
such a movement, it was coming from deep inside her, like a volcano. 

She had already enjoyed many orgasms but this was way beyond orgasm. Her face
delighted with monumental pleasure, her body relaxed and moving very strongly, her loud
sounds of divine bliss... for 20 minutes she rejoiced into ever increasing states of pleasure,
oceanic love and joy.

This was my first witnessing of profound Cosmic Ecstasy.

And I was not even touching her. It came after making love, due to the enormous amount
of energy we accumulated, by making it in the special way, exactly as we were taught. 

I could then see that this yoga thing was not only theory. And my lover would never be the
same after this experience. 

She was a PhD student in engineering, very smart and totally atheist. She had no interest
for spirituality, she was just interested in me. And she loved the erotic practices, the Love
and the orgasms, so she didn't mind the rest.

But after this awakening she was another woman. She knew things, she felt things, the
invisible world was no longer hidden to her eyes. She was initiated into a new dimension
of reality... one that remained hidden for most people their entire life.

She eventually became one of my great Teachers in Love, Sexuality and Relationships.

You see, dear diary, I thought I knew a lot. But this was just the beginning.

Love,

Joe
 Chapter 17

SPIRITUAL MONEY
Dear Diary