Tutor Alina Emma

Student P ***

Module: Academic / General

Task

Source: p. 27 “Writing for the IELTS” by Dr. Lin Lougheed published by Barron’s
Educational Series, Inc. in 2016.

_____ - incorrect
_____ - grammatically correct but could be paraphrased for a higher score
_____ - inappropriate tone/style
_____ - additional commentaries and explanation
_____ - penalty

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The graph demonstrates how many men and women purchased ( had ) a cell
phone subscription ( alternatively: had a SIM card) (in Marysville) from 1995 to
2015 . Overall, the number of cell phone users who subscribed to a service ( of
both genders) experienced a dramatic rise regardless of their gender. ( Overall,
over the period in question significantly more residents of Marysville, regardless
of their gender, began to use mobile phones. )

(Key feature is missing! For example, you can write: Over the given 15-year
period, the demand for cell phone service more than quintupled among men.
Their number surged in the first decade, constituting 2500 subscribers in 2005,
and being equal to that of women. ) It is worth mentioning that the number of
male cell phone subscribers surged between 1995 and 2005. Whilst in 2005 the
number reached 2500 being 5 times as large (high) as it was in 1995, then it
stabilized for a five-year period. Afterwards,( After stagnating for five years, the
number of men using mobile network ) experienced a feeble growth, hitting a
peak of roughly 2750 subscribers in 2015.

Noteworthy, up to 2005 (,) the trends were practically (almost) similar (for both
genders) with a sharp 400 percent increase in both figures. By 2005, the number
of women (who) subscribed to cell phone services was equal to the number
(equal to that ) of men. Yet, such (a) peak was subsequently followed by a
decrease which widened the gap between (the) numbers of male and female
subscribers(having hit the peak, the number of female mobile users declined,
widening the gender gap at the end of the given period). In 2010 the number of
male (female) users dropped to approximately 2250 and stayed(remained)
steady up to 2015. ( this sentence is redundant since it repeats the idea expressed
in the previous sentence)

In general, despite the (a) substantial increase in the number of cell phone service
users, the number for men showed a sharper growth then (than) the ones for
(that of) females (the growth was sharper/ was more marked for men than
women) . ( the growth was more significant among men than among women,
with the former outnumbering the latter at the end of the given period)

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 Evaluation
Number of words:

Academic Task 1
Criteria Score
Task Achievement or Response TR1 presents a clear overview of the main trends, 6.0
= how well your answer satisfies the difference and stages
requirements of the task TR2 highlights and supports key features, makes 6.5
comparisons
Coherence and Cohesion CC1 Clear progression throughout 6.0
= how well you sequence information and
ideas CC2 Signposting (use of cohesive devices) 6.0
Lexical Resources LR1 Range 6.0
= how rich your vocabulary is LR2 Style and collocations + spelling 6.0
Grammatical Range and Accuracy G1 Accuracy 6.0
= how good your grammar is G2 Range 6.0

Insight
Special focus on: TA - add more comparisons, do not forget to
highlight key features
Cc - present a clear central idea in each
paragraph
Voc - some sentences are unnecessarily
verbose, try to be more concise by using
nominalization. Limited range of vocabulary,
try to paraphrase more.
Gr – review relative clauses, comparative
sentences, the use of pronouns in
comparative sentences. Limited range of
grammar structures. Inaccuracies in the use
of grammar.

3.0 A1 4.0 A2 5.0 B1 6.0 B2 7.0 C1 8.0 C2 9.0

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