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REF no: 554-3270 (SA- Jr approval)

Attachment styles
By: Danial Ariff Bin Faiz
Social Consultant

In this day, we've been given lots of romantic advises that tell us how we
should act in relationships, such as ; Don't be too needy, don’t get too jealous and
have a strong sense of independence
But yet, none of these advices are "good advice", actually. You can listen to these
people and always try not to be jealous, not be annoyed at little problems and not
be too needy. But we are who we are.
The explanation behind why we behave like this lies behind a sociology theory
that is attachment style. This attachment theory is based on the idea that we've
been programmed by evolution since we were children to form attachment styles
with certain individuals in our lives.
Although we have the basic need to form these special bonds with individuals, the
ways in which we create these bonds vary. Everyone, yes, everyone in our society,
whether he or she has never dated or have been married for 50 years, every one
of them falls into one of three attachment styles; Secure, Anxious or Avoidant.
About 56% of people in the world are majorly secure, 20% are anxious, 23% are
avoidant and 1% are a combination of anxious and avoidant in which case they are
equally and strongly balanced.
Our style of attachment affects everything from our partner selection to how well
our relationship progresses to, sadly, how they end. That is why recognizing our
attachment pattern can help us understand our strengths in a relationship.
Each of these attachment styles exists for a reason. This means you act the way
you do in your relationship for a specific reason.
None of these attachment styles are considered "healthy" or "unhealthy". They're
simply descriptions of the way you act in a relationship, not forms of judgement.
People with secure attachment styles typically feel comfortable with
intimacy. They tend to agree with these phrases; "It is relatively easy for me to
become emotionally close to others. I'm comfortable depending on others and
having others depending on me. I don’t worry about being alone or others not
accepting me." People with secure attachments are usually warm and loving. If
REF no: 554-3270 (SA- Jr approval)

you're secure, you will be straightforward. You don't play games, and you are not
overly dramatic. Not overly because there is no relationship without any drama.
Secure attachment styles also manage to hype relationship satisfaction for not
only themselves, but their partner as well. Secure people offer support when their
partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they
themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, with both people
feeling independent, yet loving toward each other.
People with anxious attachment styles generally crave intimacy. These type
of people tend to agree that they want to be completely and emotionally intimate
with others, but they often find the others are reluctant to get close as close as
they would like and they would say "I am uncomfortable being without close
relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as i value
them." They are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry
about their partner's ability to love them back. They will try to constantly
minimize closeness.
Those with avoidant attachment styles tend to think that being in a
relationship will tie them down while they pursue their goals. They will agree with
this and say "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want an
emotionally close relationship, but i find it difficult to trust others completely, or
to depend on them. I sometimes worry that i will be hurt if i allow myself to
become too close to other people" or "I prefer not to depend on others or others
depend on me". This is believed to be the result of a need for self-sufficiency in
times of limited resources or disease, for instance. They tend to think negatively
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about their partners, seeing them as needy and overly dependent, but ignore
their own needs and fears about relationships. When someone with an avoidant
attachment is distracted by another task, their ability to repress is lessened and
their true attachment feelings and concerns is able to surface. But how do
avoidants manage to suppress their attachment system most of the time? They
use deactivating strategies such as avoiding commitment through avenues such as
ghosting someone, even if time spent with them was enjoyable. These strategies
keep their attachment system deactivated and, in turn, maintain their avoidant-
ness. Some studies have shown avoidants to exhibit protest behavior strikingly
similar to that of anxious attached individuals when faced with traumatic event
such as the death of a loved one.
Even though each of these three attachment styles exist for a reason, they can still
negatively affect your happiness if you are not able to identify them. If you have
REF no: 554-3270 (SA- Jr approval)

an anxious type of attachment, you will naturally gravitate to avoidance. But


someone with an avoidant attachment style is the worst person you will ever date
if you are anxious. The anxious partner will want intimacy, while the avoidant
partner will want space.
If you have an anxious attachment style, stop thinking that you shouldn’t be
needy. There is nothing wrong with being needy. The key is to find someone with
a secure attachment style because the secure person will be able to handle
someone who is needy.
Interestingly though, they also find that relationships in which only one person is
secure is just as happy as relationships in which both people are secure.
But to be clear here, you are not a slave to your DNA. You can always learn how to
change the parts of your attachment style that don't serve you well. Being able to
understand attachment styles and identify the three attachment styles is an easy
and dependable way to predict people's behavior in situations.
In this article, we cover the three main attachment styles; anxious, avoidant and
secure individuals. It is important to note that there is no best or superior style. It
is rather to understand one's own and the attachment style of others.

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Written by Danny, Certified Jr Social Consultant Asso Consultancy Malaysia by Dale Carnegie Training Malaysia

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