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BAR/BAT MITZVAH
A SUPPLEMENT TO THE JEWISH STANDARD · SUMMER 2019
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o p Ca t er e r o f 2 0 1 8
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a z in e’s
a g
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Be
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(201) 891-2000
V ot

813 Franklin Lake Road,

Franklin Lakes, NJ
MarketBasket.com
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Jewish Standard S-3

My three sons......................................... 4
Memories of bar mitzvahs in triplicate
Any way b’nei......................................... 8
Temple Beth Rishon revolutionizes rite of passage
A note of thanks: Bat mitzvah
girl expresses gratitude to all................. 9
Teaching responsibility.......................... 10
Prayers, parenting, and preparing for adulthood
Mitzvah money...................................... 12
Smart ways to stash the cash and grow it
Making a celebration
a meaningful celebration....................... 13
Twice as nice.......................................... 14
Twins donate $122,000 to Israeli organizations
Bar mitzvah at any age......................... 15
Going green.......................................... 16
Making the mitzvah party earth-friendly
Books to help prepare
for the bar and bat mitzvah.................. 18

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Danny is proud to
become a bar mitzvah.

Kenny designed his own bar mitzvah invitations.

Pictured is Major League pitching ace Randy Johnson.

My three sons
Memories of bar mitzvahs in triplicate
Rob stands with his father, Jay.

O
deBoraH BresloW haftorah, committed to memory using The kid’s party on Saturday evening She’d been told she could keep jewel-
her father’s Maxell cassette tapes in her was held at Hawthorne Fire Co. #1, a ry, artwork and other keepsakes, but
n a cold Friday eve- father’s treasured tape recorder, she shared event between the bat mitzvah checks and savings bonds were to be
ning in February 1973, sang with a timid sweetness that made girl and her best friend from a syna- saved for college. The following morn-
a skinny girl in a sim- her front row-seated parents and grand- gogue in Glen Rock where bat mitz- ing, out-of-town guests were invited
ple plaid maxi-dress parents kvell. The oneg following, cour- vahs were held on Saturday mornings. to lunch at the house for sloppy joes
stood terrified behind tesy of the Fair Lawn Jewish Center’s Sis- Keeping the price down by splitting and sides catered by the Kosher Nosh.
a podium on perhaps terhood, offered the typical fare of the the cost of the hall rental, the parents After getting lost in the hubbub of the
the largest bimah in the time: honey cake and assorted pastries, pretended not to stare while awkward previous two evenings, it was at home
history of temple sanctuaries. She was challah, tiny cups of grape juice and young teens danced to tunes by Paul that she was forced to make small talk
unadorned: no make-up or lipstick, hair wine, coffee, tea, non-dairy creamer, Simon, the Beatles, Loggins & Messina, with relatives she hardly knew. The
set in curlers courtesy of her mother, and packets of sugar and saccharin. and Led Zeppelin. The musicians were smile pasted on her face remained un-
tiny pearls around her neck borrowed Color film family portraits were taken a local junior high school band that had til the last guest was hugged, kissed,
from her grandmother. Her ears would by the guests with 35mm cameras. Her
made their mark on the seventh grade thanked and driven to the airport or
not be pierced for another year. “Not older brother’s Polaroid served as the
bar/bat mitzvah circuit. The kids en- the Trailways bus station. Thirty-five
until the eighth grade.” Her mother designated apparatus for instant black
stood firm. Prepared to recite her joyed pizza and cans of Coke delivered years later the self-conscious teen that
and white candids.
by Ness Pizza. The cake, of course, was afraid of her shadow had grown
Deborah Breslow is a freelance writer and college essay coach from Wyckoff. Her three sons, was made by Carvel. Late in the eve- up, married, and had children of her
Rob, 23, Kenny, 22, and Danny, 19, are successful young adults. Ms. Breslow’s published ning, the bat mitzvah girl opened her own. Tasked with the event of the cen-
work appears in local, regional, and national publications focusing on home, family, gifts in the privacy of her bright yellow tury, it was her turn to plan the first of
essay writing, and medical advocacy. Visit Breslow’s website at www.djbreslow.com room with bright yellow shag carpet. three bar mitzvahs.

Jay and Deborah Breslow walking toward the candle-lighting table.
“You’ll need a bar mitzvah planner,” my best friend
told me. “You mean like a calendar?,” I asked. “No,”
my friend said, rolling her eyes. “A planner. An actual
person to help you plan the affair.”
“How hard can it be?,” I asked. “Well, besides
managing your son’s expectations, the choices are
endless,” she said. Feeling overwhelmed, I decided
to start by talking to my son. “What kind of bar mitz-
vah do you want?” I asked. “Is one of the options
not to have one at all?” “No,” I replied, silently proud
With three boys so close in
age, people often asked me
how I insured things were
different for each of my
three sons. “That’s easy,”
I tell them. “They’re three
different people!”
that he’d at least tried to wiggle out of it. Not the kind
of kid to seek attention, he would inevitably require
some prodding. “Do you have any idea where you’d
like to have your party?” “Yup. Dave & Buster’s. Pal-
isades Mall.” That was easy. “Do you care what kind
of affair I plan for our adult guests?” “Nope.” That
was even easier. “So whatever we decide, that will be
OK with you?” “I said I didn’t care.” I’d spoken with
friends who were mothers of girls. Their party plan-
ning experiences had been much more complicated.
Perhaps it was because girls were more invested in
the details. The best part of having boys was that
their requests were minimal. Other than shopping
for suits, shirts, ties, and dress shoes, sport jackets
and slacks for Friday night and something casual for
the party, scheduling haircuts, and confirming and
tightening their guest lists, a bar mitzvah boy’s de-
sire was simply to show up.
Once the date was confirmed and we attended the
JS-5
The author, Deborah Breslow, center, at her bat mitzvah in 1973.
Danny with Grandma Gloria, Papa Paul and Grandma Florence.
requisite bar mitzvah planning meeting at Barnert
Memorial Temple in Franklin Lakes that reviewed
month by month what was expected of the student
and his family, reality set in. Never having considered each occasion a personal touch. Rob’s invitations
a party more elaborate than Chuck E. Cheese’s, The
Strike Zone or Brunswick Lanes, it occurred to me
that I had no idea where to begin. “Call my friend in
Franklin Lakes,” my friend suggested, handing me a
business card. “She does flowers and she plans spe-
cial occasions.” Hoping I was capable of taking this on cakes for all three boys. Different themes, different
myself, I considered the daily and weekly schedules
for our family of five. Just looking at the calendar on
any given day was overwhelming. Before I knew it, I
dialed her number. Whatever the cost, it had to be
worth it. I needed to learn the ropes and consider my
options. Unlike my own bat mitzvah and my broth-
er’s bar mitzvah, times had changed. There were way
more choices to make. And in just over a year, I’d be
planning the next one. Enlisting her support was one
of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
With three boys so close in age,
people often asked me how I insured
things were different for each of my
three sons. “That’s easy,” I tell them.
“They’re three different people!” I
think that’s what made each of their
bar mitzvah celebrations so special.
Their individual interests and iden-
tities drove the tempo for each cele-
bration. While we kept many things
the same, each bar mitzvah taught
us what worked and what didn’t. Our
oldest son, Rob, had his luncheon
in the social hall of our temple. Our
party planner introduced us to and
helped us negotiate contracts with ca-
terers, musicians, custom stationers,
photographers, and decorators. Her
floral expertise was without parallel
and we still get compliments years
later on her table arrangements. Just
16 months later, we followed suit for
Kenny’s bar mitzvah, using almost all
of the same vendors. It’s possible with
each event, our guests experienced some deja vu,
but the change of seasons from January to May, and
the differences in Rob and Kenny’s personalities gave
were designed and printed by a lovely shop in Engle-
wood. Kenny’s were printed by the same shop, but
we used his original artwork: a portrait of a major
league baseball player on the cover. My dear friend
from high school, an expert baker, created the sheet
decorations, same scrumptious recipe.
By the third bar mitzvah for our youngest son, Dan-
ny, we were ready to find a new venue. We looked
around and settled on lunch following services at
the Brickhouse Tavern in Wyckoff. Same musicians,
similar guest list, different photographer. Without
the need for a caterer, decorations or flowers, the
restaurant event had a different flavor. While the
candle-lighting recipients were relatively the same
 JS-6

S-6 Jewish Standard SUMMER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

as at Robbie and Kenny’s luncheons, each of the boys’ special qualities. I’ll
what was significant was that my father forever cherish my seat at the end of
had passed away just six months prior. the pew, snuggled shoulder to shoul-
Wearing his grandfather’s tallit, Danny der with each of them until the rabbi
would be tasked with reciting a poem instructed all to rise, and then be seat-
for a grandparent who was no longer ed as he was called to read from the
here and lighting a memorial candle on Torah. At each event, our family was
the candelabra. Extremely shy, Danny surrounded by incalculable warmth.
surprised us all by memorizing every In contrast to the simplicity of my
word of Hebrew that was taught to him. bat mitzvah, my son’s extravaganzas
It depends who you ask as to what may have seemed opulent. Conscious
was most special about each of our of the close proximity of each of the
son’s bar mitzvahs. The grandfathers boy’s celebrations, we wanted their
would tell you it was taking each bar mitzvahs to be tasteful and mean-
grandson to Cedar Lane in Teaneck ingful while keeping to a reasonable
to shop for tallit and the intimate mo- budget. Neither my husband nor I, nor
ment of taking the Torah from the Ark our boys would have been comfort-
and passing it down from generation to able with anything grandiose. What
generation. The grandmothers would we as parents are offered now, that my
say it was being called up to the bi- parents weren’t offered then, is just a
mah to chant their aliyot and walking staggering amount of options.
proudly to stand next to their grand- Flipping through dusty photo al-
sons to light a candle following a ten- bums, I wonder how we got through
der candle-lighting poem. My husband the whirlwind. I’m reminded of the
appreciated taking the boys to Syms to arduous and meticulous planning and
buy their first suits, watching as the tai- preparation for three long-awaited cel-
Celebrating lor measured their growing bodies for ebratory weekends that in retrospect
and bat mit a bar
Party Planning Essentials
alterations. My brother would insist it seemed to fly by. Thinking back on ten
$25 per person
zvah Meal (meat or dairy)
was when my oldest son, who near- years past, I’m reminded of the time
at an emunah home Decoration of the dining $275
ly hyperventilated while completing and love put into writing each son’s
room (including paper
his Torah portion, chanted his final meaningful candle-lighting poems,
goods, flowers and
“amen.” “Attaboy, Rob,” my brother the search for photos for memorable
helium balloons)
cried followed by a roaring applause video montages that took my breath
DJ and motivator $700
from the entire congregation. Our rab- away, the endless shopping trips for
Regular DJ $500
bi, getting to know each of our son’s in- the perfect dress, the lengthy menu
Photographer $500
timately during his bar mitzvah train- discussions and appetizer tastings, the
Magnets Photographer $180
In order to en ing, had the pleasure of watching as consideration of songs and musical art-
able families Desserts and candy bar $400
a connection to foster each older brother joined the younger ists that had to be represented by our
with our child * Prices for 15 guests plus 10 Emunah Children.
have put toge
ther many di
ren, we
Additional guests are $15 per person. on the bimah for an aliyot. Our guests trio of talented musicians, the table
package optio fferent
ns to choose appreciated the chance to celebrate compositions (how did we ever decide
We welcome
families and
from. Activity on Campus
who would guests
like to celebr Hip Hop/Zumba Party No fee if the event
simcha with ate their occurs on the day that
our Emunah Basketball/Soccer/Judo
Home! the activity is scheduled
for the children
For families
interested
in having
Sports and dance activi- $220
their even
t on an Em ties with an instructor
Campus, w unah
e offer acti
know child vities we Baking and Cooking $200
ren enjoy!
culminate The visit w
ill
Art/Mosaic Workshop $850
in dinner an
at the Emu
nah home
d dancing Soccer/Basketball $220
children an with our Tournament
d staff!
Chocolate Workshop $680
Headphone Party $200
Inflatable Jumping $650
Activity
Baking Workshop $200
Sushi Workshop $300

or Activity off Campus

Boating at the Ashdod port $2000
Karaoke RoomD $1200
Jeeping $1800
Biking tour $1400
For more information Israel National Trail $850
contact ronnie@emunah.org

www.thejewishstandard.com An invitation insert describing Rob’s bar mitzvah tzedakah project.

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Jewish Standard S-7

who would sit with whom?), the crazy

bus rides (times three!) chaperoning
kids from Franklin Lakes to Nyack’s
Palisades Mall where the deafening
noise of pinball machines and vid-
eo-games pushed 50 middle-schoolers
into overdrive, the endless harping
on the boys to write their thank-you
notes, and so on ad infinitum.
According to Jewish law, we’re told
that once a young boy turns 13 they
become bar mitzvah. They are no
longer boys, but adults responsible
for their actions and they must begin
fulfilling the mitzvot (commandments
of the Torah). This is a rite of passage
from child to adult, with all the duties
and responsibilities that come with it.
While religion tells us so, I’m not cer- Left, Papa Paul and Papa David, make the blessing
tain my three sons felt the impact of over the challah. Above, a proud Papa Paul following
that manhood in 2009, 2010, and 2013 his first grandson’s bar mitzvah.
anymore than I felt I’d entered the no-
vitiate of womanhood in 1973 when
the Temple Men’s Club president life and for the people in it. While each may not be able Russia or Jerusalem to better understand his roots. They’ve
handed me my silver kiddush cup and to recall his respective Torah portion, recite his haftorah, held steadfast to participating in holiday and memorial cus-
gold-plated menorah. sing along with the newest melody from the siddur, or even toms and appreciate the value of community. I’m certain
What I do know is that since coming remember how to read Hebrew without transliteration, the the experience of having a bar mitzvah and becoming a bar
of age, three intelligent, engaging, sen- bar mitzvah ritual yielded a deep respect for Jewish values, mitzvah will resurface on the day he has the pleasure of em-
sitive, inquisitive boys have emerged. traditions, and culture. Each has either traveled to Israel bracing his own child while passing down the Torah to the
Humble and kind, they show up for on Birthright, studied abroad in Tel Aviv, or visited Poland, next generation.

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 JS-8

S-8 Jewish Standard SUMMER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Any way b’nei

Temple Beth Rishon revolutionizes rite of passage
Heidi Mae Bratt in 2019? What does Judaism ney. It is an innovative way that a bar and bat mitz-

T
here’s a revolution going on
at Temple Beth Rishon.
It’s a b’nei revolution
that is anything but war.
It’s more like peace. Making peace
with yourself. Making peace with
your community, and making
peace with your Yiddishkeit and
your connection to Judaism.
In fact, it is a piece (yes, spelling
deliberate) of innovation that the
new rabbi, Beni Wajnberg (pro-
nounced Vine-berg) who started
last July, is bringing to the Wyckoff
Reform temple as he brings forth
— along with the community and
members — a new vision to help
make Judaism relevant, relatable Reb Beni Wajnberg
and personal for its young mem-
bers who are bar and bat mitzvah and coming into
the fold of Jewish adulthood.
Reb Beni as he is known (the title, he said, “is
old-country and implies a spiritual friendship. I want newal and Reconstructionist movements as well.
to break down walls and build bridges”) called to-
gether a “think tank,” not a “committee” to reimagine dent, progressive and welcoming members,” Reb
the future of Temple Beth Rishon’s young members.
“I want us to think about what is means to be 13 in
Bergen County,” he said. “What does it mean to be 13
mean in 2019?”
Lofty questions, yes. But
answers are on the way.
“Synagogue life in general
is in crisis,” said Reb Beni.
“But I love a crisis. A crisis
allows us to rethink who
were are, what are our pri-
orities as a family, and what
does a b’nei mitzvah mean.”
The hope, he said, is to
make all bar and bat mitz-
vahs “fresh, engaging and
relevant.”
The word is out about Reb
Beni and his warm enthusi-
asm that blends his tradi-
tional stock from European
grandparents who were
survivors of the Shoah, and
his passionate Latin upbringing in Brazil, where his
grandparents put down roots after the war. He is or-
dained as a Reform rabbi, but a member of the Re-
“It is the perfect fit for our community of indepen-
Beni said.
The revolution in bar and bat mitzvahs is called
Kivun, which in Hebrew means direction and jour-
vah can celebrate coming into their adulthood.
“Every Jew is a Jew by choice,” Reb Beni said. “Jews
by birth have choices about what they want to do.
There are options on how they connect spiritually.”
Perhaps the idea to customize the bar or bat mitz-
vah with Kivun, which officially launches in Septem-
ber, came recently when a young woman at her bat
mitzvah faltered at the bimah. She is a competitive
athlete from a very wonderful family and when she
stood during this one fateful Shabbat to recite her
Torah portion, she started to cry.
Reb Beni would not have it.
“Stop,” he said, and the young woman halted.
“Let’s all remember what is important here.” He
then said her name and turned to her and said, “You
are awesome!” He then turned to the congregants
and instructed them on the count of three to say to-
gether to the bat mitzvah girl, “You are awesome.”
“No kid should ever cry on the bimah,” Reb Beni
said. “No kid should ever feel like their b-mitzvah is
not relevant or personal for them.”
So what is Kivun, which in Hebrew means direc-
tion or journey.
It is a new program for bnei mitzvahs to choose
how they want to celebrate that day of becoming 13
years old.
They can choose to do the Traditional track or
reading the Torah and haftarah and leading in
prayers, or they can choose the Flexible track, which
has a little less liturgy and Torah reader. There is also
the Havdalah track, where they mark their bar or bat

Join the B-Mitzvah mitzah with music and light and song and joy at the
close of Shabbat. The Israel track, allows the bar or
bat mitzvah to go to Israel, accompanied by the cler-

Revolution! gy of Temple Beth Rishon where they can celebrate

with a familiar rabbi and cantor.
There is the Shal-Om track, which uses yoga and
mindful mediation. The bar or bat mitzvah incorpo-
Kivun (journey) options rate movement into the prayer service and use the
practice of yoga as a way to connect to their Judaism.
that may change the way (“I would have done this if this would have existed
you think about your child’s for me,” said Reb Beni.)
There also is the Nature tract where the bar or bat
Bar & Bat Mitzvah Journey mitzvah can go into nature, backpack, Torah and all,
and celebrate their Judaism in this way.

♦ Traditional Kivun ♦ Kivun Nature And finally, there is the DYI Kivun, where the bar
or bat mitzvah is asked, “do you have a passion,” and
♦ My Own Kivun ♦ Kivun Yoga a customized rite of passage where they could best
relate is created.
♦ Kivun Israel ♦ Kivun Havdalah With each of the tracks, explained Reb Beni, the
bar or bat mitzvah will be required to do at least one
portion of the Torah reading and lead in some of the
Please contact us to learn more about the cutting-edge
prayer service.
Jewish youth & B’nai Mitzvah program at TBR. “There are core requirements,” but the rest is up
For additional information, please contact the office at to the young man or woman to create.
201-891-4466 or email Reb Beni at rabbi@bethrishon.org. “We are very excited about this,” said Reb Beni.
“The goal is to foster a meaningful connection to Ju-
Temple Beth Rishon, 585 Russell Avenue, Wyckoff daism for every person.”
 JS-9
Jewish Standard S-9

A note of thanks: Bat mitzvah girl expresses gratitude to all

eMuna BraverMan the out-of-town relatives and a list of where they There were 115 guests (I know because I set the
came from). Some people (not nearly enough) tables!) so you can imagine the time and effort in-

S
omething wonderful happened thank the Almighty. Sometimes it’s volved. It was very impressive.
to me. It wasn’t something big. heartfelt. Sometimes it’s pro forma. Much as we try to avoid it, most bar mitzvah boys
It wasn’t something dra- Sometimes it’s somewhere in the and bat mitzvah girls get a little (or a lot) caught up
matic. It wasn’t something middle. And sometimes it’s hard to in themselves. With all that focus and attention, it’s
expected. But it was something tell if they really mean it. hard not to. This is a great way to avoid the trap of
lovely and wonderful — a small But this young girl did some- self-centeredness. It’s the perfect way to teach our
gesture that made a big difference. thing special and unique that children about showing appreciation. It’s a power-
I went to a bat mitzvah, a cel- clearly emanated straight from ful means of giving our children an understanding
ebration for my friend’s daugh- her heart. She wrote a thank of the meaning of community, that it really does
ter. It was a beautiful and mov- you note to each of guests – be- take a village.
ing occasion, as a bat mitzvah fore she received her gifts! Be- The party was a lot of fun. The speeches were si-
should be. And perhaps it was cause the note wasn’t about the multaneously funny and moving (we expected no
even more emotional because presents, it was an expression less since the father is a writer). But what impact-
the couple had struggled a bat of what this particular attendee ed me the most were those notes. When the rest
mitzvah’s worth of years (as the father put it) to give means to her. And it wasn’t brief, a mere line or two. of the evening fades, I’ll remember those kind and
birth to this child. There was extra joy in the air. It wasn’t generic. It was a few paragraphs describ- thoughtful missives. I was touched by what the guest
But there was something else also. Something ing the role our family had played in her life, reliv- of honor wrote to me and really taken with the idea.
much more basic and much more important. There ing some shared experiences and memories and ex- I think it’s something we should all incorporate
was gratitude. pressing gratitude for the very specific ways in which into our children’s bar/bat mitzvah celebrations. I
Now we’ve all heard many bar and bat mitzvah we had enhanced her life. wish I’d thought of it before my girls had their bat
speeches. Everyone thanks their parents (right after It was unbelievable. mitzvah celebrations. It would have enhanced and
deepened everyone’s experience of the day, and no
Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a master’s degree in clinical psychology with an one more so than the bat mitzvah girl herself.
emphasis on marriage and family therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives in Los Angeles with her family. Aish.com

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 JS-10

S-10 Jewish Standard SUMMER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

R
EAD
Y.S
ET. Teaching
GO-
KAR
T. responsibility
Prayers, parenting, and
preparing for adulthood
Amy Grossblatt Pessah up, “It’s not all bad, I know the trees
are being killed, but think about the

I
n the soon-to-be-published, “Par- new houses that will be built for those
enting on a Prayer” by Amy Gross- who need a house and think about all
blatt Pessah (Ben Yehuda Press), the of the trees and plants that they will
author shares her stories of parenting replant around the new houses. They
as she lyrically uses the Hebrew prayers have already destroyed the trees,
to expound upon essential values in rais- there is nothing to do about it now.”
E
LEC
TRI
CKA
RTI
NG
|SP
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SBAR ing children. Fittingly, there are 18 (chai)
chapters, each corresponding to a differ-
“You can’t ignore the negative,” said
my son.
V
R|ARC
ADE
|BO
WLI
NG
|+MOR
E! ent prayer and associated with a different “You can focus on the positive,” re-
value. Here is an excerpt from the chapter torted my daughter.
on responsibility, something incumbent I sat in the front seat and sighed,
upon parents to teach a youngster when marveling over this incredible ex-
he or she becomes a bar and bat mitzvah. change. How did my kids get to be
so big with their own ideas, values,
Ahlaynu l-shahbay’ahch and abilities to express themselves so
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l. lah-tayt g’dulah l-yotsayr b’raysheet, sides, I agreed with both of them. Yes,
we must be mindful and respectful to-
[It is upon us to] praise You Source of ward the environment and yes, we can
All Your generous work as Creator of choose to focus on the positive when
All You made us one with all of Life] we are presented with a challenging,
upsetting situation.
Our area in South Florida is not known Ahlaynu — it is incumbent upon us
for its extensive tree preserves. While
to do both. Three important lessons I
there certainly are some, unfortunately
learned from this interaction:
my family sees many more homes than
• We must show up in responsibility
fields of trees and nature preserves. On
for taking care of Mother Earth.
one of our regular drives, my kids and I
• We can choose how we view chal-
had observed that over the past several
lenging situations.
months the tree population in a specific
• We can recognize the complexity
area had been dwindling. A few weeks
of competing truths and conflicting
later we drove by only to find smoke
values.
billowing above what used to be a large
As a parent, I believe that it is part
plot of land covered with trees. Outrage
of my job to teach my children these
ensued from my son, “That is terrible,
three important lessons; and ironical-
what are they doing there?”

GLOW
ly enough, it is these precise lessons
Silence.
which my children taught me.
“Mom, what are they doing, why are
they burning all of those trees?” As I
Ahlaynu l-shahbay’ahch

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looked off to the side of the road, I saw
lah-ahdon hah-kol,
multiple piles of tree trunks bundled
lah-tayt g’dulah l-yotsayr b’raysheet,
$10,500 together all over the field.

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“There are clearing the field so they [It is upon us to] praise You Source of
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 JS-11
S-13 Jewish Standard S-11

Jewish Standard S-13

docked boat may be boarded by late-arriving
guests. A boat at sea would leave late arrivals
stranded on the dock. “Set an arrival time
for an hour before the start of the ceremony
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includeindriftwood, anchors,God,
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ensued my car, I imagine as the Fast forward six months and we,
Ultimate Parent, delighting in Her chil- ironically, were passing by this same
dren’s conversations. Discussing, argu- field when a different permutation of
ing, listening, and working to solve how my three children got into a conver-
we are going to make this world a better sation about animal experimentation.
place for all of God’s creations is a form My older son was praising the virtues
of praise to the Sovereign of all things. of experimenting on animals and how
Life is messy, complicated, and nu- through this experimentation many
anced. There are many factors we deal lives have been saved. My daughter
with on a regular basis and often-con- was up in arms, seeing no benefits
flicting values emerge. In one con- because of the death of innocent crea-
versation three very big issues were tures. And so it went, back and forth,
raised, and it is difficult to address all arguing, protesting; each defending
of them — especially right in the mo- his or her own stance.
ment. It took me a while to sit back, re- One day, too soon, they will fly
flect, and process what had happened the coop and I want them to be well
in a short five-minute conversation. equipped to have the necessary skills
Our lives move at such a fast pace and to be responsible, open-hearted adults
it is hard to recognize, comprehend, who not only speak their Truth — but
and ultimately make sense of what we also hear the Truth of another.

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S-12 Jewish Standard
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JS-12
Mitzvah money
Smart ways to stash the cash and grow it
Heidi Mae Bratt
W
hether it’s a multiple of 18 for chai (life in
Hebrew) or not, cash is always a welcome
gift for the bar or bat mitzvah.
Parents need to teach their children
smart financial habits, and the bar and bat mitzvah
is a good time to think about how to create smart
strategies to save and grow the gifts of cash.
Money experts say that even before they become
a bar or bat mitzvah it is good to introduce a child
to savings vehicles that could earn interest, such as
savings bonds and certificates of deposit. Search
for a compound interest calculator online and
show your child how just one dollar can grow with
interest over time.
Several financial institutions in our area offer
plenty of youth services to teach youngsters money
management skills and to help invest the bar or bat
mitzvah cash.
Greater Alliance Federal Credit Union, a full ser-
vice financial institution, offers youth savings and
checking accounts to help youngsters, and bar and
bat mitzvah young men and women, start saving
their gift money with no fees or minimum balance
requirement.
Money experts say that it is very important to get
youngsters involved in money matters so they can
become stewards of managing their money later. If
they learn how to handle money at a younger age,
they will be prepared to handle bigger financial de-
cisions through the different stages of their life.
In addition to offering various financial products,
the credit union hosts lunch-and-learn opportuni-
ties at various organizations and online webinars
where anyone can attend to become familiar with
topics such as, what is a credit score, how to bud-
get, what to expect when applying for a student
loan, and other areas that can help young adults
make better financial decisions through different
stages of life.
They also offer an app called Money Management
where its members can set their savings goal, see
how much they are spending, and also keep track
of their budget.
Sheryline Ingersoll, director of marketing at
Greater Alliance, said the credit union also offers
private student loans for undergraduate and gradu-
ate school; students can also refinance their existing
high-rate loans from other financial institutions.
While owning a first car may be a few years away
from the bar or bat mitzvah boy or girl, Greater Al-
liance Federal Credit Union also offers a First Time
Auto Buyer Program to help young adults purchase
a new a car if they don’t have established credit.
At Visions Federal Credit Union, with Bergen
County branches in Mahwah, Westwood, Dumont,
Englewood, Oakland and Saddle Brook, the young
customer is valued from the very beginning of his or
her life, said Ada Myteberi, a spokeswoman for the
SUMMER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
New Jersey region.
“The earlier good financial habits are built, the
better,” said Ms. Myteberi. “We don’t teach enough
budgeting and money management to our kids.”
The credit union offers a program for 12 and un-
der called The Kirby Kangaroo Club, a free savings
program designed especially for kids. Kirby Kanga-
roo uses stories, games, and entertainment to help
kids learn about saving and finances.
The club provides special incentives and benefits
for children who are age 12 and younger. It includes
The Kirby Kangaroo website packed with fun stuff
for kids to learn with: stories, games, coloring pag-
es, and jokes; quarterly Kirby Kangaroo newsletter;
Several financial institutions
in our area offer plenty
of youth services to
teach youngsters money
management skills.
and special Kirby Kangaroo youth activities all year
long. Every $5 deposit earns a gift.
Starting at age 13 at Visions, members are able to
open a checking account and receive a debit card. A
Flex Checking account is perfect for teens, too, with
no monthly service charges or minimum balance re-
quirements. They also offer youth lending and credit
card accounts, too. These help teens learn responsi-
ble borrowing habits alongside guidance from par-
ents and our own financial professionals.
Students age 14 to 18 attending high school can
borrow between $100 and $1,000 for up to a year. A
co-signer is required on amounts over $500.
Students age 14 to 17 can learn to manage a small
credit limit up to $500. A co-borrower is required.
Students 14 to 15 must complete a financial literacy
program with their parent before approval.
Experts say that the best way to teach young-
sters about how to manage money is to give them
some, and now that they have it, they can save or
use it. They should figure out what they want and
see how they can pay for it themselves. It gives
them the chance to learn about the consequences
of overspending.
Teaching children delayed gratification will help
combat the “buy now, pay later” mentality that could
mire them in credit card debt later on. Curbing im-
pulse buying goes hand in hand with teaching de-
layed gratification. Before going shopping, create a
budget. Outline what you’re going to buy, what stores
you’re going to, and the price range for each item.
These also are important lessons of becoming a
Jewish young man or young woman: learning re-
sponsible money management to last a lifetime.
 JS-13
Jewish Standard S-13

Making a celebration a meaningful celebration

Emuna Braverman the celebration is about the material is the idea of responsibility. And that ning would be a tragedy. I know what

L
things, but because everyone wants a responsibility is the real joy. Having won’t teach the proper perspective.
ife has many firsts. It’s part of piece of the joy. obligations and using those obliga- But what will?
what makes life exciting. It’s part Everyone was genuinely happy and tions to connect to the Almighty is the One way I hope this lesson is ab-
of what keeps us on our toes. And excited for their brother (when they’re ultimate happiness. sorbed is through my son’s friends.
it’s part of what throws us into not fighting over the computer with We want our friends and family to When I’ve seen the joy of the boys
panic and confusion. Am I going to get him!) and they want as many outlets think this is the best party ever — not dancing with and for each other at pre-
it right? I’ve never done this before. And as possible to express it. the best decorations, the most courte- vious bar mitzvahs, I’ve been moved
even deeper, what exactly is right? Trying to tread the middle road is a ous waiters, the most gourmet food, to tears. Their unselfconscious ex-
We were approaching another first challenge in every aspect of life. Here the most exotic setting — the best par- pressions of pure happiness lifted ev-
in our family — our oldest son’s bar too. We want it attractive but not os- ty ever because it will teach us what eryone to an appreciation of what the
mitzvah. And the questions were flying tentatious, joyful but not wild, the life is really about. What we’re really world could be, an excitement about
fast and furious. We know we didn’t food delicious but not extravagant, meant to celebrate. Where true joy is the potential waiting to be unleashed.
want a “circus” theme or a “baseball” the clothing dignified but not dramatic attainable. And if we can learn that les- Coupled with this are the words of
theme. We were not hiring a rock band (and not outrageously expensive). And son we want everyone we care about his teachers. Continually exhorting
or a trapeze artist or a belly dancer! we want it meaningful. to learn it with us. the boys to appreciate the significance
But that still leaves plenty of leeway. We want everyone to understand We want our family to think it was of the day and demonstrating to them
How do you enjoy the party and — especially our son and his siblings the best party ever because it taught the pleasure and beauty of a life of wis-
maintain the focus? — what a bar mitzvah means. It’s not us what life is really about. These are dom and positive actions, these teach-
How do you enjoy the party and about the party. It’s not about the gifts. all wonderful ideas. But exactly how is ers have primed their students for the
maintain the focus? One of my girls It’s not about the band, the dessert, or this lesson going to be taught? new vistas to come. But only by acting
wanted all the clothing to be color-co- the kiddush. It’s not about the beautiful I know it’s not by counting checks. on what they’ve learned, by exhibiting
ordinated. I said no. One of my chil- cake our friend Betsy is going to make. I know that a sense of relief, a sugges- the character commensurate with the
dren wanted the celebration to be at And it’s not about the bills. (It’s not tion that the “ordeal” is over would wisdom, will the boys begin to forge
a hotel. I said no. Another wanted all about the bills, it’s not about the bills...) be a serious mistake. And the thought their own transcendent relationship.
her friends to come. I said no. And It’s about becoming an adult and that this is an end rather than a begin- Aish.com
everyone wants to help decide the forging a personal relationship with
menu. I said no to that also. But there God. It’s about recognizing that in-
have to be some yes-es. Not because herent in the concept of relationship

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 JS-14

S-14 Jewish Standard SUMMER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

From left, Brian and Benjamin Barth at

Park Avenue Synagogue in Manhattan.

Twice as nice
Twins donate $122,000
to Israeli organizations
Heidi Mae Bratt

B
enjamin and Brian Barth, 13-year-old
sports-loving twins from New York City, have
turned their b’nai mitzvah into the mitzvah of
tzedakah through their contribution to Israeli
organizations.
To celebrate their October 6, 2018 b’nai mitzvah
at the Park Avenue Synagogue, they worked with
UJA-Federation of New York’s “Give a Mitzvah – Do
a Mitzvah” program, and raised more than $122,000
to donate to two Israeli nonprofits that work to em-
power people through sports.
The contributions were made in lieu of gifts.
“We are overjoyed and proud of them,” said their
mother, Natalie Barth, who serves as president of The Barth family: From left, father Brett, twins Brian and Benjamin, and mother Natalie.
the Park Avenue Synagogue. “They have embraced
the mitzvah of tzedakah that we hoped to pass on Through “Give a Mitzvah – Do a Mitzvah,” the Israel Tennis Centers’ programs, which teach chil-
to them in their taking care of others through their twins were able to design projects reflecting their dren peaceful coexistence through tennis and pro-
actions.” passions to make it meaningful for them as well. grams that offer academic support, enrichment,
Ms. Barth, who grew up in Texas, said that her Graduates of the Abraham Joshua Heschel School and mentoring.
family was very involved in the Jewish Federation in Manhattan, Brian will enter ninth grade at Horace Brian, who loves sailing and cycling, chose to do-
there, and she and her husband, Brett, a native of Mann School in Riverdale; Benjamin will be a fresh- nate to Etgarim, which uses the two activities, among
Virginia, have continued that tradition of involve- man at the Abraham Joshua Heschel High School. others, to rehabilitate individuals with cognitive,
ment with the Jewish Federation in New York. Benjamin, a tennis enthusiast, raised $61,199 for sensory, and physical disabilities. He raised $61,199

Bar mitzvah at any age
On a visit to the Daughters of Miriam Center, a senior center in
Clifton, siblings Mendel and Rivka Shain celebrated the bar mitzvah
of Boris, a resident of the center. Boris had never had a bar mitzvah,
and so Mendel and Rivka helped him put on tefillin, and allowed him
this special opportunity.
to encourage children in Tel Aviv, Na-
halal, and Holon to pursue athletic ex-
cellence and participate in what other-
wise would be inaccessible sports.
Sports have played a key role in the
lives of Benjamin and Brian. When
they are not watching their favorite
sports teams, they play tennis, sail,
bike, and golf. In the winter, they love
to ski. The twins also have visited Is-
rael several times, which has helped
build a stronger connection to their
Jewish heritage and identity.
“I just love playing tennis, and to
find out that there was a place that
plays tennis and supports coexistence
excited me a lot,” said Benjamin. “I am
glad I was able to fund it.”
Said Brian: “I continue to enjoy the
State of Israel and it was perfect for my
bar mitzvah project to be in and asso-
ciated with it. As cycling and sailing
are two of my personal passions and
interests, being able to contribute to
JS-15
Jewish Standard S-15
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fun with these endeavors is truly an
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“UJA’s ‘Give a Mitzvah – Do a Mitz-
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said Lori Strouch Kolinsky, director of
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“We are so inspired by the twins and
their incredible generosity, and hope
this is just the beginning of their phil-
anthropic journeys,” she said.
Natalie Barth said she wanted to
publicize the “Give a Mitzvah – Do
a Mitzvah” program because it not
only is easy for a bar or bat mitzvah visionsfcu.org/choose
to do with the help of the UJA staff
that walks the youngster through each New Jersey | New York | Pennsylvania
step, but most importantly, “it is so
meaningful and the boys felt so good
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 JS-16

S-16 Jewish Standard SUMMER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

The Empty Vase

a floral company
We Can Make Any Party Beautiful
Going green
Making the party
very earth-friendly
CLOSTER
Heidi Mae Bratt
219 Closter Dock Rd.
201-750-7181 Protecting the earth has always been a Jewish value.
Going green or eco-friendly has become mainstream at
schools, institutions and in many other aspects of our
lives. A green bar or bat mitzvah can include these val-
ues of protecting the earth and at the same time cele-
brate the milestone of becoming a young Jewish man
The Best Selection of or woman.
Talliot and
Kippot anywhere. Here are some ideas on how to make a bar or bat
Exquisite Styles mitzvah green.
for Women, Men,
Bar and Bat Mitzvah Invitations
Mention this ad for For many, the Evite email invitation has replaced paper
10% OFF completely. There are many websites offering Jew-
ish-themed animated cards and online RSVP tracking. If
Beautifully Beaded, Crystal, you still want paper, instead of buying glossy-coated bar to another simcha. Potted plants are another option.
Crocheted, Suede, Lace They’re a good take-away gift for your guests and they
or bat mitzvah invitations that cannot easily be recy-
Kippot, Tallit Clips
cled, choose invitations made from recycled cotton or add much needed oxygen to the environment.
post-consumer waste.
Lisa Prawer
Convenient Bergen County Location · 201-321-4995
Food glorious food
www.thetallislady.com · info@thetallislady.com
Décor and party favors Whether you are cooking or having your bar or bat

S-12Skip one-time-use disposable items such as balloons, mitzvah catered, food can be a way to be earth-friendly.
streamers, and plastic tablecloths for the party. Instead When possible, include seasonal, organic ingredients
go for items that can be reused or that are made from on the menu. Many catering companies offer kosher
Cantor sustainable materials. For candles, pick those that are organic meat and poultry and organic fruits and veg-

Barbra made from soy or palm oil instead of non-renewable

petroleum. For party favors choose to give usable
etables. Choosing organic food grown in a sustainable
manner not only reduces the impact on the earth, it
0002441714-01.qxd Lieberstein
10/15/08 5:09 PM favors1such as organic fair trade chocolates or tree seed-
Page
lings instead of plastic toy trinkets.
also tastes better. After the meal is enjoyed, donate left-
overs to an organization that helps provide food for the
Certified Cantor with hungry.
12+ years
BAR & BAT of pulpitMAGAZINE
MITZVAH Flower ADpower
0002441714-01 or the tables are to be festooned with
If the bimah Gifts
Lessons in experience
your home floral arrangements, make the flowers locally grown Gift items made from recyclable materials are available
Learn to read Hebrew LIEBERSTEIN, BARBRA
organic instead of foreign flora that are grown over- in many objects of Judaica. Giving a gift certificate to
Fri, Oct 24, 2008
seas and sprayed with chemical pesticides. After the an event is a way to give the celebrant an experience
Group 1
and cols, 2.13 x 2.50"
event, donate the flowers to a hospital or pass along instead of a thing. Another good green gift idea? Cash.
Learn to private lessons
Process Free
read Hebrew in your home
Lisa Spadevecchia

Officiant atCantor BarbraCeremonies,

Bar/Bat Mitzvah
201-818-4088
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S-18 Jewish Standard
Books to help prepare
for your child’s big event
Heidi Mae Bratt
A good book can be a great guide when preparing your
child for bar or bat mitzvah. Here are a few titles that
might be helpful.
Putting God on the Guest List, third edition
By Rabbi Jeffrey K. Salkin
Introduction by Rabbi William H. Lebeau
Forward by Rabbi Sandy Eisenberg Sasso
Rabbi Salkin asks and answers questions that make
parents and children more comfortable with the
event and able to experience it more joyfully. How
did bar and bat mitzvah originate? What is the last-
ing significance of the event? What are the ethics
of celebration? What specific things can you do to
reclaim the spiritual meaning of the event? How to
further develop spirituality? What spiritual values
can parents and young people build together?
The Market Basket for catering mitzvahs
A bar or bat mitzvah is an extremely special occa-
sion for your son or daughter that should be filled
with laughter, tradition, friends and family, and great
food. Voted the Jewish Standard’s “Best Gourmet
Market” of 2018, The Market Basket can help create a
remarkable bar/bat mitzvah party that matches your
child’s personality and honors his or her milestone
into adulthood. A team of friendly, professional chefs
and event planners are available to create a menu
that will display personal taste and commitment to
Jewish tradition. Have fun selecting from food sta-
tions that are loved by both adults and teenagers, as
well as hors d’oeuvres, and plated and buffet options
that suit any budget. Whether you plan to entertain a
small gathering or several hundred, expect nothing
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The JGirl’s Guide: The Young Jewish
Woman’s Essential Survival Guide for
Growing Up Jewish second edition
By Dr. Ellen Golub Author, Penina Adelman,
Author, Ali Feldman, and Dr. Shulamit Reinharz
The JGirl’s Guide gives practical, real-world
advice using Judaism as a compass for the jour-
ney through adolescence. This newly updated
and expanded survival guide for coming of age
explores the wisdom and experiences of rabbis,
athletes, writers, scholars, musicians, and great
Jewish thinkers. This interactive book can help
Jewish girls figure it all out. It explores what
happens at school and with friends. It shows
them how to get along better with their fami-
lies. It offers them a chance to hear the voices of
other girls going through experiences just like
theirs. Now is the time when girls are thinking:
Who am I? What do I believe in? Who will I be-
come? The JGirl’s Guide provides Jewish writ-
ings, traditions, and advice that can help.
less than a staff with a high attention to detail that
will ensure your event runs smoothly. If needed, they
SUMMER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
Bar/Bat Mitzvah Basics,
second edition
A Practical Family Guide
to Coming of Age Together
Edited by Cantor Helen Leneman
Foreword by Rabbi Jeffrey K. Salkin
Introduction by Rabbi Julie Gordon
A practical guide that gives parents and teens
the “how-to” information they need to navigate
the bar and bat mitzvah process and grow as
a family through this experience. In this book,
everyone directly involved offers practical
insights into how the process can be made easier
and more enjoyable for all. Rabbis, cantors and
Jewish educators from the Reform, Conservative
and Reconstructionist movements, parents, and
even teens speak from their own experience.
The book covers questions like, What’s it all
about? Preparation for the event. Tutoring, stress,
expectations, and planning for children with
special needs and more.
can also coordinate floral arrangements, invitations,
rentals, entertainment and staffing.
As Bergen County’s family-owned and premier
caterer for almost 60 years, you can trust the team
at The Market Basket to take care of everything so
that you can focus on what matters most-celebrating!
Mazel Tov!
The Market Basket
Franklin Lakes (flagship store):
813 Franklin Lake Road, Franklin Lakes, NJ
(201) 891-2000
Wyckoff location:
300 Sicomac Avenue, Wyckoff, NJ
(201) 891-1212 · www.marketbasket.com
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FOR ALL YOUR BAR/BAT MITZVAH NEEDS

FULL CANDY BUFFET WITH SETUP AND PROPS

201-833-9950
198 W. ENGLEWOOD AVE. TEANECK, NJ 07666
ORDERS@THEWORLDOFGOODIES.COM
1ST PLACE
CANDY STORE SUN 11-8 • MON-WED 10-8 • THURS 10-9 • FRI 9-5
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