In this issue:

THE NATIR
A WAR VET
TEACHES YOU
HOW TO SLEEP
WITH YOUR Braccae tuae aperiuntur
Our goal at The Natir is to bring you the news in a fresh, yet slightly mentally
EYES OPEN
challenged fashion. Our team of writers have worked dilligently to make sure that
you, our fellow Ritamen, not only read the news, but feel it, taste it, and oftentimes,
smell it. While you can get your news elsewhere, this is the only source guaranteed to
give you papercuts that will bleed Mustang Red.

Year I, No. 2 OCTOBER 2010 p. 4

Ignatius transfer student arrives in horse-drawn carriage

Deenihan sold seat!
by Jack Gardner
Rumors have abounded since Sally Deenihan retired from
her position as St. Rita High School’s principal, rumors that
she had sold the seat to her successor, Brendan Conroy. This
Shadow from 1994
is the first time St. Rita has ever found a new principal from
outside the school, a red alarm initially for many close to this
emerges from locker
story.
to tell his harrowing When calls were made to Deenihan to inquire about the
story p. 7 scandal, she could not be reached aboard her recently
purchased yacht, sailing around the Mediterranean Sea.
Fortunately, Conroy was in his usual spot at the end of the
hallway shaking students’ hands. “Sally and [St. Rita
President] Fr. Tom McCarthy never considered anyone else
for the role after hearing about the benefits of hiring me.,”
boasted Conroy. “Whoops, I’ve said too much. This
Watch out— interview is over.”
Baffoe didn’t
have his coffee
Nike suing Standring
today p. 7
for “Swoosh” use
_____________________
________
p. 7
Above: a recent photo of Deenihan
St. Rita’s top political analyst, sophomore Charlie Murphy,
also gave a statement about the sale. “Now, I don’t know
much about politics,” Murphy said, “But Mr. Conroy has
seemed less rich since he started working here. I mean, he
used to wear a suit daily work. But during Homecoming
Week, I saw him almost every single day with a T-shirt and
Gummi Bear on jeans. If that doesn’t point to the fact that he bought that seat,
I don’t know what could.”
hallway ceiling
Many other faculty and staff members were allegedly
finally jumps p. 7
involved with the buyout of the principal seat. “Many were
considered for the various assets they could provide to Mrs.
Deen... er, the school,” said Kieran Kellam, a teacher at St.
Rita. Asked if it was an auction process, Kellam responded,
“Well, it was all behind closed doors. We really didn’t know
who else was in the running, only that other people were in,
and the bidding was frequently... um, never mind.”
According to an anonymous source, tape recordings exist
that supposedly contain audio of Deenihan on the phone
with various members of the St. Rita community.
Supposedly Deenihan can be heard in one conversation
saying, “I got this thing, and it’s [expletive] golden.”
by Craig Sabath
Every year, St. Rita attracts a handful of transfers from a variety of
schools. One in particular has managed to attract plenty of attention.
His name is Maximilian Petronius III, from St. Ignatius.
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan oft loses both itself and
friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry,” said Petronius,
elaborating upon his financial reason for coming to St. Rita.
Petronius’s presence was felt the very first day of school, as he rode
his 12-horse carriage into the back parking lot. When questioned
about whether or not he is aware of the dangers of this type of
transportation, Petronius answered, "Cowards die many times before
their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once. Of all the
wonders that I yet have heard, it seems to me most strange that men
should fear; seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it
will come."
Though only a 14 year old sophomore, Petronius has found himself
at home in Fr. Cook’s AP Latin class. He has yet to lose a point in
Cook’s class, although he has expressed some confusion in the class,
saying, “But, for mine own part, it’s Greek to me.”
Petronius has also become a welcome guest at the cafeteria, often
found buying 5 course meals, spending upwards of 3 gold coins,
which is roughly $55, a sitting. “A dish fit for the gods,” said
Petronius about the cafeteria’s food.
"Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no
more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying
nothing," shouted Petronius, following a book check.
As far as Petronius’ horse, Oberron, which sat with the carriage in
the faculty parking lot for the duration of the school day,
Maitenance Staff Director Brendan Garrett said, “I haven’t had to
clean up this much [fecal matter] since they made the mistake of
serving chili at the last grade school retreat.”
Petronius has made an impact academically and extracurricularly,
already captaining the Scholastic Bowl and Chess Teams, while
looking to establish a fencing club. When asked what drives him to
take such actions, Petronius replied, "I have no spur to prick the sides
of my intent, but only vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself, and
falls on the other."
After thanking Petronius for his time in the interview with The Natir,
he had some final words for his fellow Ritamen, "Good Night, Good
night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it
be morrow."
May we wish the best of luck to Petronius as he embarks upon his
journey as a Ritaman.

Day of the Dead Adding insult to what looks to be serious injury to the
reputation of St. Rita is the alleged involvement of
altar includes pic of McCarthy. When asked about the possibility that he
Swayze p. 7 collaborated with Mrs. Deenihan to sell the seat or if it was
all Mrs. Deenihan, he immediately answered, “Who wants
some money!?”
Left: Oberron waits patiently
Maybe not so much money, but answers? Many people for his master. (not pictured: giant pile of horse poop)
definitely want those.
 The Natir October 2010 p. 3
This month’s DYK?

Did you know... Miss Yanez isn’t even

North side
Spanish? Wud up wit dat?

Local News
of Academic
Hallway 45° South Side 97°

NOW AVAILABLE IN THE MUSTANG STORE

Baffoe delivers more
than just good pizza byBrad Dorng
BRO. GARY BRAND CAPRI PANTS
Tim Baffoe, English teacher route, jamming to some Katy was taken to jail, and the old
at St. Rita of Cascia High Perry. He was on his way to woman was very grateful for
School, is a man with many deliver to a church event when all what this ninja/teacher/pizza
abilities. Other than grading of the sudden he saw something delivery boy did for her.
papers and failing his that shocked him-- an old woman Since the event, Baffoe has
students Mr. Baffoe holds a being robbed. As she kicked and begun ninja classes in his
part time job at Fox’s Pizza, screamed and tried to hold onto homeroom after The Natir
where he delivers their fine her bag for dear life, Baffoe meetings, and also is trying CHANNEL 1 3-D GLASSES
pies. The normal Saturday sprung from his car to go and save to incorporate this martial
evening for Baffoe is very the woman (Mr. Baffoe is a black art into his everyday English
exciting. He arrives at work, belt in karate, and also studied classes. “Other than teaching
pumped and ready to deliver abroad while at college, where he and delivering pizzas,”
some delicious pizzas to the became a ninja). Now was the Baffoe says, “I love to
people of Beverly and those time for Sensei Baffoe to use his practice karate. Sometimes I SILLY BANDZ
other places that don’t matter. ninja fighting skills and help this will stay home on weekends,
But on Friday, October 8 poor little woman in need. He or take a day off from work Faculty get in the Halloween spirit
something remarkable whipped out his numb-chucks and just to perfect my skills.” A by Ryan Mulcahy
happened to this pizza started kung-fu fighting with the new name, along with a Since Halloween is one of the most popular holidays it is no
delivery man. robber. Baffoe was delivering a medal of bravery, has been surprise that the faculty members enjoy it as much as the
It was a dark and rainy night major beat down to the thug. awarded to Baffoe as well, students. What you probably don’t know is that our very own
as Baffoe was driving on his When the police arrived, the man as seen below. faculty members had a huge Halloween bash in the gym the night
of the holiday.
SR hires Freeman to Coach Standring walked into the party dressed as a circus clown
and was given many compliments on all the detail he put into the

do announcements costume. In response to all the costume compliments coach said

“Seriously, man,” said Senior Connor Thomas,
by Mike O’Neill
“like every time the announcements came on the
reader was always like stuttering or something,
Due to what the school calls “a need for
dude. It’s about time we finally got someone in
improvement,” St. Rita has hired Academy-Award
there who can actually, like, read.”
winning actor Morgan Freeman as the new voice of
Freeman, known for his many roles in such films
the morning and afternoon announcements,
as The Shawshank Redemption and The Dark
pending the results of a physical. The move came
Knight, has what many consider to be a
after what many believed to be three subpar years
universally-recognizable voice.
of announcement reading. Rumors of a shakeup
“I saw the guy in that movie about penguins in
had been swirling over the summer, but St. Rita
jail where he plays God or something,” said
was not able to make a big splash in the free agent
Thomas. “The dude is such a bro. He’s got a
market. 0
sick voice.”
Analysts now put the school as the odds-on
Freeman’s deal is reportedly in the range of 5
favorite to go all the way. The move comes at the
years, $65 million with a school option for sixth
end of a failed three year rebuilding period which
and seventh years.
had students and teachers alike frustrated.
“What costume?”
Mr. Kellam went as the cat in the hat, and when asked why he
chose this costume he said, “I love Dr. Suess, especially The Cat
in the Hat.” Kellam failed to mention his striking resemblance to
the character.
Since Coach O’Sullivan and Coach Berry’s parents won’t let
them trick-or-treat alone they decided to team up and pick a
dynamic costume idea--Batman and Robin. After arguing for
several weeks they decided that Coach O’Sullivan would be
Batman and Coach Berry would be Robin, although at the party
Coach Berry could be heard mumbling, “But I want to be
Batman.”
Brother Gary was most excited to wear his costume--Mike “The
Situation” from Jersey Shore. When asked why he chose this
costume he said, “So I can get my GTL on, bro!”
Mr. Conroy decided to show his “unitas” by gathering up a group
of four other faculty members to join him in his costume idea. He
wanted to go as a Power Ranger but also wanted the whole team
of rangers, so he recruited the help of Mr. Partacz to be the Blue
Ranger, Coach Gilbert to be the Black Ranger, Mrs. Blaszak to
be the Yellow Ranger, Ms. Saul to be the Pink Ranger while he
would go as the Red Ranger. When asked why he chose red he
said “Uh, because he’s the coolest! Duh.”
THE NATIR OCTOBER 2010 p. 2

Because we believe you should have Closed campus causes local McDonald’s bankruptcy
feedback, The Natir presents... by Charlie Murphy

This past summer St. Rita became a closed campus.

For students that means no more going to CVS,
Subway or, worst of all, McDonalds on 78th and
Western Ave. Students are being denied their
fattening but still delicious food and they are not
happy about their improving health. “I would much
rather have my after school Big Mac then be able to
go up the stairs without breaking a sweat,” said
sophomore Oscar Mascorro.
The local McDonalds is doing poorly as well seeing
as St. Rita students were 76% of their total income
according to the Better Business Bureau. The severe
drop in sales has forced the local fast food restaurant
to declare bankruptcy.
“These students are vital to the thriving of this
business,” the manager of the McDonalds said, “and
without them we have seen losses in profit, and the
team here has never been worst.” Some of the St.
Above: an unnamed employee of the 78th
Rita students have speculated that the reason for the
and Western Ave. McDonald’s pleads for
closed campus was not for safety, but instead
business.
\/\/\/ because a high ranking St. Rita faculty member’s
order at the restaurant was wrong, and he or she did
not take it well, thus declaring a closed campus.

Have a question, complaint, or odd rash? Send to icantbelieveyouthinkwewouldlistentoyou@thenatir.omg

Dear The Natir,

Thank you for all that you do. I love the paper and how it keeps me informed about the happenings at St. Rita. Do you think you can take my son to soccer
practice on Tuesday? I have some other stuff to do. -Ryan O’Keefe

The Natir: Our driver’s license is suspended pending some... unpleasantness.

Dear The Natir,

I recently purchased a parrot. That little guy makes quite a mess, so I decided to line his cage with copies of The Natir. Keep up the good work! -David
Wines

The Natir: We do the same thing in our office. Less trips to the bathroom means more productivity!

Dear The Natir,

Do you know if the rats in the school’s basement are available for adoption? -Liz Cody

The Natir: Please see Mr. DeCeasar for the proper paperwork. Though, we’re pretty sure he’s partial to the one he calls ”Jeter.”

Dear The Natir,

Would you even consider Batman to be a superhero? Technically, he doesn’t even have any superpowers, except for super richness or something like that.
-Joe Packer

The Natir: Ask Coach O’Sullivan. He is Batman. Didn’t you read the article on p. 3?

Dear The Natir,

What time does McDonald’s stop serving breakfast? Is it 10:30 or 11? -Bob Pearl

The Natir: Ask that kid who always shows up to class after third period.

Dear The Natir,

Do you think you can start printing on a different type of paper? I like to throw bonfires on the weekend and The Natir just doesn’t burn too well. -Glenn
Cody

The Natir: That’s because you’re trying to burn your computer, jackwagon. The powers-that-be banned us from hard copies ever since Coach Carroll held a public
burning after our first issue.
 THE NATIR SPORTS
INSIDE: After years of debate, it’s discovered that “Akui” is actually pronounced “SMITH”;
Baffoe steps down from Scholastic Bowl to pursue work with terrible newspaper

KUSKA’S SOLUTION TO ECONOMIC WOES: SILLY BANDS

By Michael Murphy
Abinader achieves Blue Belt;
In the wake of the greatest economic crisis of his coaching tenure at St. Miranda fight rescheduled
Rita, head football coach Todd Kuska has been, well, creative in his By Jake LePretre
effort to cut costs for the football team. A few of his well known penny Chris Abinader, who left St. Rita
pinching tactics have been signing on New Balance as a sponsor and after his freshman year to attend
forcing slave labor upon his players to sell coupon books. “Whatever school at a Buddhist monastery in
gets the job done,” says Kuska, now in his twelfth year as coach of the remote Sri Lanka, has reportedly
Mustangs. achieved Blue Belt status and is
now only three levels away from
But as our nation continues to feel the effects of a spiraling economy, the highly coveted Black Belt.
Missing idiot XC Kuska has been forced to find extra cash for the program in almost any Readers may recall that Abinader
runner found in way possible. His new solution? Silly bands. and St. Rita faculty member Tony
California p. 8 Miranda had agreed to an MMA
The artificial turf field at Doyle Stadium requires tiny bits of rubber, fight to be held during last school
usually from recycled car tires, to cushion the field. “Too expensive,” year’s Pride Week. Unfortunately,
the head coach says. Instead he is taking the Fashion Police approach. though, Abindader sustained a leg
To date, he has confiscated 489 silly bands, chopped them up and injury during training leading up
sprinkled the bits all over the field. “He took mine while I was sleeping to the match and the match was
in his class,” senior Ben Tomasek tells The Natir. cancelled. Now apparently
healthy, Abinader is eager to get
The question must be begged--why silly bands? “At St. Rita, rubber is into The Octagon with Miranda,
at an all time high in demand,” Kuska said. “And those things are so and Miranda shares that desire.
dumb, I couldn’t think of a bigger waste of rubber.” “I’m up for it,” said the Theology
teacher and guidance counselor.
Students have feared this day would come ever since the Livestrong “The school community was really
“JR Baskets” bracelet craze. Many question if Kuska has the authority to confiscate looking forward to [our match]
wins ESPY p. 8 the bands. “Mine was a gift from my little cousin,” junior linebacker last year. I was sorry it didn’t
Will McNamara says. “It was shaped like a giraffe and I really liked it. happen then.”
This has to end.” The administration has in large part turned a blind eye Miranda says that he has been
to the silly band theft by Coach Kuska. “The way I see it it’s either this, practicing new defenses and
or him stealing car tires on Western Avenue,” says Fr. Tom McCarthy. counter attacks as he knows the
“I mean, they are pretty dumb.” wily Abinader likes to “play
possum” by appearing to cry
One can see the shredded silly bands at work on the field. Amid a before suddenly and swiftly
graveyard of multicolored dogs, hearts, palm trees, ponies and other attacking with full force.
various shapes, Kuska bounces up and down a couple times and says, Student Government is currently
“This’ll work.” Apathetic to the hardship he has caused people and speaking to the SR administration
their naked wrists, Kuska lives by the quote “Whatever gets the job about a Spirit Day for this
Packer fans no done.” eventual match to benefit charity.
longer allowed to
dress down during
Homecoming Week p.8 restaurant on the lakefront. Just an average When the reporter asked Mr and Mrs. Foley
evening, until it was time to leave. about the incident, involving their sons, Mr.
Foley brothers reportedly beat up cab driver The three men waited outside of the restaurant Foley replied, “Well at least the boys went out
by Jake Spallina for a cab, and flagged one down and left. As with a bang.” Mrs, Foley was quoted as
March 27, 2010 is remembered by most St. they were driving, the cab driver noticed that saying, “Boys will be boys.” When head
Rita students, alumni, and fans, as the day the two of the boys he was driving were the Foley coach Craig Ferguson was asked of the
Mustang hockey team won their first state title brothers. The man immediately introduced incident he replied with, “Hockey is a rough
in almost 30 years. But to the Illinois court himself and asked for an autograph from and tough sport. I'm glad I have 2 players like
system it is known as the day they arrested two younger brother Chris. Chris refused, but that on my team.” Father Tom McCarthy
state championship winning brothers, Dan and older brother Dan complied. followed up with a brief statement, saying,
Chris Foley, along with their 23 year old As they approached a stop light, the cab driver “I'm proud of my Rita men. This is another
cousin, Sam Foley. asked Chris one more time. Chris didn't say great opportunity for some more publicity here
The Mustangs had just capped off their state no this time. Instead he began to pummel the at St. Rita. I couldn't be happier.”
championship victory performance over cab driver and his brother joined in. Right The Foley's are currently under house arrest,
Loyola, winning 3 – 1. Who scores the game hook after left hook, the boys didn't stop and and are set for trial on November 8th.
winning goal? None other than freshman Chris the man was helpless. Eventually, Sam Foley Coincidentally, that is also the rematch of the
Foley. From there things went downhill. was able to remove the deranged brothers from state final game against Loyola. Coach
After the boys were done celebrating and ready the cab. In the early morning, a 911 call was Ferguson says, “I plan on asking the judge if
to go, Sam Foley invites the younger cousins, placed and the police and paramedics showed the boys can come a few minutes late to the
Chris and Dan, to a dinner downtown. The up. The boys were taken away and arrested trial, seeing as though is is an important
three boys enjoyed a cab ride to a local immediately. game.”