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/ litrrror o//t4/ tw/ew ail tlartt A0//8lswnlet ht,
'ff ucci1,r'rcntltehappiesl tnttlunls "personal brandname."Insteaiiof
I' oftctrloeldllirtednolsomuchhy struggling to keepyournoseabor'e
whatthcy thinkor do,butratherbY waterin a poiluted seaof advertising
brandof product
rvha,t theychoose to nlcssagcs, [rrand
a l)crsr)nal citttlift
yououtol thesullmissivc dog-paddling
"ffi tluy.At onelime,brirnds wcrcusedto

ffix identifyproducts, but nowit'sthe posiliurrI ha1derolvod, bottom-feedin$

consumcrs lvhoarebranderl aslabels, endusorsassume (seefig,1).
Thcpersonal brattdstealsthepower

q*ii
whichhavemotcdfromtheinsideof
garments to lhc outsidcandall over
thc person, litr:rallyfromheadto toe.
Tryingto "kick"thebrandname
habitwon'thelp.It onlyleadsto
ol thecorporate namebrands, which
"takeover"asmutepuppetdictators of
lhesoul. Andsince tltepowt:r isalwa.vs
in thebrand,neverinwhatthebrand

_ffi another
products,
thr.hcrd
newc0nsumer
lrrorbit.
.iite,"
llneof"clear," or"simpld'
fi'ontir:rs
for
repre$cnts,
noproduct
yourpersonal

It'sanadvertisement
branclneeds
to backit up (seefig.2).
for its ownpresent
No,theanswotisn'tavoiding ancifutureuselessnoss, a mocking
F ig. 2
brirndnirntcs, it'sdeveloping yourown syrnbolof all thatis boughtandsold,
 Fig.3

The personolbrond thot will

serve os o shield ogoinsi
thesebrces mightolso,ideolly,
be used to oci ON them.
Picture, if you must octuol
shields.one for eoch hond.
One is morked "2+2=4." The
ofier is morked "2+2=5."
Both ore useful to the Wee Fi g.4
Brond Worrior: Wielder Of
ThePersonolBrond.(h will be
necessoryfor you lo mosfer The twisted psychologyof the corporore
ond mokeuseof suchill-logic logo now mode simple!(And you con bet
il you ore to successfully thereis by now o psychologisfsomewnere
light
thesefires wifi your own.) using BurgerKing ond Pepsiond AT&T
logo floshcordsos iheropeuticoids.)

but this timefor its veryownsake tiredsellingwordin theso-called

andfor yours.Thelogicof personai "NewAge'andcannotbe trusted.
branding is theknowledge that turns Thepracticeofpersonal branding can,
JoeCamelslowlyandpainfullyinside however, bea sheer, perverse,and
outforeverandever(seefig.3). necessary j0y.Thealternative to this
Yourpersonal brandwill act asa sort0f activityis to takeit lyingdown:
sortof antibody in thesystem of thefamedpath0f leastresistance.
symbols andmessages thatweail Andthis,of course, is exactlywhat
movein. Heroically, youwill swiminto "they'wantyouto do. Fi 9.5
thebrainwashing Niagara of logos, An importantpartof any
ads,andlifestyleimagery thatcrashes anti-marketing strates/is a trademark Slogoneeringin oclion: "Visuolizeo world
thot is on orbitingodverfisement for its own
downonyou.Yourpersonal brandwill 0r log0.Thelogoitselfwilloftencarry ultimoleuselessness.""l brokefor odvertisino."
bedesigned to serveasa shield the fuil weightandeffectof your "ConsumerPorosileOnboord." Rememb-er,
against suchtoxicshowers. personal campaign. Nopersonal brand
Andre Bretonsoid the world would end, not
with o good book, but wifh o beoutilul
Thepracticalapplications of a is complete withoutone.Andyouneed odverlisement for heovenor for hell.
personal brandaredubious, and nodesignexperience 0r specialfacilities
rightlyso."Practical" hasbecome a to devise one!Youdon'tnecessarily

R eal i ty H acki ng 3 I
needa "name," even.An inkblotwith antlto tirainmeaningfromthe lan-
guage usedby totlaY's marketing
a little TMin the cornercouldbe
(seefig. geniuses. Utilize key buzzwords like
sufficientfor yourpurposes
with the Lifestyle, Alternative, New, Real,
4). In fact,youcandispense
like,and just use the Improved, Recycled, Complete, System,
inkblot ifyou
Classic . . , Feel free to combine them
TIviby itselfasthe dlstilled,mineral F ig . 6
andcorporate all intoa meaningless, clustered
essence of trademarking
paranoia itself. or 20on a shoet)andrun off asmanY absurdity (seefig.6).
asyoucanafl'ord. Spread hundreds The opportunities for brand
WhonapplYing Yourlogo,be
and"tag"often, of themout onthefloor(enough to proliferation and personalization are
endlessiy repetitious
yougo.Whetherdriving fill yourconeof vision)andnotice plentiful. You saY You want a clear
wherever
home the same (non)mcssage over the sinister alien life they assume, ,ti.t -on togo tor tire lowercornerof
anrloveragainor just leavingyour Noticeyourlogo'sfloating,familiar, your TV screen? saYYouwantto
You
opresence."mintyourownprivateformtif currengf
mark,thenumbing effectsthatthe andstrangely unlocatable
big brands enjoy are achieved with If you to concoctfakeads
aspire Thefacilitiesat anycopyshopmake
blindrepelilionthrough broadcast or realbumperstickers(seefig.5) possible theprofessional andseamless
A reproducible, youwill wantto saymorethanwho fabricaticn of everything fromufake"
andmassproduction.
As youur* andthatyoo**r* here.This letterhead to phonylaminated l.D.
stick-onlogomakesthisa snaP.
havestrange is wherean encapsulated thought,in badges t0 annoying posler-size adsto
youmayknow,logos
the formof a.slogan'' wjll be useful' full color T-shirts. Likewise, all forms
andhypnoticpowers.Makefriends
saY of customized mugs, calendars, pencils,
withyourlogoandlearnto harness WhencominguPwith slogans,
of As an whatever you wish, but be advlsed:It fobs,evenwristwatches with -Your
its unique brand Power.
photocopy yourlogo(10 is importantto makea mockerY of logohere" are cheaPlY had. EverY
experiment,
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in-flightmagazine is peppered with whichyou'dlike to receive "more canbeusedwith abandon to register

suchoffersfor the"entrepreneur." information,"sendin thecard,then all formsof bizarrecomplaints and
(A logowristwatch will run you sit backandwatchyourmailbox "leveraged warnings"to corporate
about$20.) chokeon moreobscure junk mailthan thugsandelectedofficials!
Youwill find fakeletterheadand you'veeverseen.Asproprietor of a Useyourpersonalbrandliberally.
business cardsto beextremely useful fakecompany, cool"samples"fromall Havefunwith it(seefig.7). Leave
in theacquisition of freeandbizarre varietiesof vendors, pubiishers, yourmarkon this alreadyhopelessly
catalogs andtradepublications you manufacturers, andpublicrelations Xeroxed andmarkedupworldof
neverknewexisted. Andtrade departments will beyoursfor the ours.Branding hasbeenpartof life
publications eachcontain whatis asking.(Asanyonewhohasever sincebeforethe treethisbookwas
calleda "bingocard."A "bingocard' published a musicfanzineknows: printedonwasevenplantedl
is a littlebusiness repiycardprinted EvenflimsyXeroxed PRwill produce Personal Branding,asa wayof life,
withhundreds of numbers thateach a steady flowof "promotional" mayJust saveyourmutantsoul.So
correspond to a company that records andtapesfromall overthe don'tbelostin theextinction shuffle!
advertised in themagazine. Circle world.)Also,thefeignedauthority of BeHappy! Mutate!Evolve! Andabove
thenumbers of thecompanies from a convincing corporate letterhead all ADVERTISE! t

R eal i ty H achi ng 33