In this issue:

THE NATIR
XMAS GIFTS
FOR TEACH-
ERS THAT
GUARANTEE Felix Dies Nativitatis
YOUR BUTT IS Our goal at The Natir is to bring you the news in a fresh, yet slightly mentally
challenged fashion. Our team of writers have worked dilligently to make sure that
SAVED BEFORE
you, our fellow Ritamen, not only read the news, but feel it, taste it, and oftentimes,
BREAK
smell it. While you can get your news elsewhere, this is the only source guaranteed to
give you papercuts that will bleed Mustang Red... and hurt your eyes trying to read it. BE SURE TO BE OUR FAN
ON FACEBOOK!

Year I, No. 3 DECEMBER 2010 p. 4

INSIDE OUR
ANNUAL SR gingers finally have Several Students Involved in Black Friday
CHRISTMARAMA-
KUHWANZA ISSUE their great red HOPE Melee at Mustang Store
by Michael Murphy Dozens injured in most violent SR incident since
tragic ’09 Freshmen Pool Night
by Mike O‟Neill

Counselors stumped
on how to tell
Freshman there is no
Santa Claus p. 7
Watch out—
Baffoe didn‟t
have his coffee
today p. 7 Student Government President Liam Hopkins has made
_____________________ history. To many readers‟ surprise, this history was not made
Plethora
________ of holiday on the football field, but rather in the field of high school
decorations make politics. This past May Liam was the first ever red-head,
affectionately known as ginger, elected Student Government
Dean‟s office smell President in St. Rita history.
like Xmas, fear p. 7 Gingers have been made fun of constantly in the
halls of St. Rita since its foundation in 1905. Even Fr. Green
himself was “anti-Red.” “I mean first it‟s the hair, then it‟s
all those freckles,” said St. Rita‟s founder. “I am not a fan of
gingers at all.” The environment for gingers remained hostile
at St. Rita in the years following.
Hopkins, as a freshman in 2007, immediately
Why doesn‟t anyone sought out to improve conditions for his people. His student
want to get Mr. government victory at the start of the year really turned some
Berry for faculty heads. Normal-haired student Matt Mullen recalls, “I was
like, „That kid? But he isn‟t like the rest of us…‟ I was
Secret Santa? p. 7
shocked.” His wins as a sophomore led to more gingers
entering, and winning elections. “I owe everything to Liam,
he really paved the way,” Johnny “Red” Johnson says, now a
Junior class representative.
Following the stunning Hopkins victory last May,
Mr. Berry and Mr. Baffoe, gingers who had lived through
the struggle for ginger rights, often being disappointed on so
many levels like going to the beach or talking to women,
could be seen hugging with tears in their eyes. “I can
Fr. Cook‟s semester remember my grandmother telling me „It will get better.
final exam to include Change will come,‟” said Baffoe. “I never believed her. I
accepted that we were different and would never make
Russian Roulette
progress.This is just too much for me right now.” What‟s
p. 7 important is that Liam Hopkins has given the St. Rita
community a slightly new meaning of “red” and blue.
left: a frustrated SR sophomore in the parking lot
Several St. Rita students are facing punishment after a melee broke
out in the early-morning hours of Black Friday, the day after
Thanksgiving and traditionally the busiest shopping day of the year
in the United States. Hundreds of people were lined up outside of
the store on Friday, November 26th, for a variety of deals offered that
day.
Witnesses reported that several students began rioting
when the doors failed to open at 3 AM as advertised. “I came all the
way from Merrionette Park for the half-priced Brian Sicher
bobblehead, and all of a sudden I heard some shouting,” said junior
Carl Brown. “Before I could get away, I was attacked with one of
those cushions from the couches outside of the main office that kids
sit on when they cut class.”
Several people took refuge in the Centennial Museum by
the main office after realizing that most students did not know it
existed. The situation quickly deteriorated when word spread that
the school‟s library contained books. Seeing an opportunity to gain
ample riot ammunition, the place outside the computer lab that you
can‟t use your cell phone in was stormed, and shoppers promptly
began throwing the rectangular objects at people in an attempt to
move to the front of the Mustang Store line.
In all, twelve students were held in custody in the dean‟s
office for the remainder of the day. Despite the incident, school
officials appear to be pleased. “What happened last Friday was a
tremendous step forward for St. Rita High School,” according to a
school official wishing to remain anonymous. “Students using books
from the library, as well as people realizing the Centennial Museum
even existed? It can‟t get much better than that! Unitas!”
Campus security hadn’t donned its riot gear
before the Black Friday incident since Grandparents’ Mass
 The Natir December 2010 p. 3
This month’s DYK?

Did you know... the most common first

North side
name among faculty members is

Local News
of Academic
“Mister?”45°
Hallway South Side 97°

Suggestive vocabulary to be LISTEN UP, PEOPLE! WE AT THE NATIR

LIVE FOR ONE THING AND ONE THING

banned from classrooms ONLY—BACON. OTHER THAN THAT, WE

by Ryan Mulcahy
To combat what the
administration has deemed a
plague of student profanity
around campus, the St. Rita
faculty has been encouraged
to issue stiffer penalties to
students who curse or use
unacceptable language.
But did anyone expect
censoring certain vocabulary
words from the subjects
studied?
Each department came up
with a list of possibly
suggestive vocabulary that
will be removed from the
curriculum just to be on the
safe side.
Teachers have been asked to
use their best judgment on
what should and should not
SORT OF ENJOY ENTERTAINING YOU. IF
be used, but there is now a YOU’RE A FAN OF THIS PUBLICATION, DO
mandatory list of words and US THE COURTESY OF AT LEAST
phrases long used in high school PRONOUNCING OUR NAME CORRECTLY,
subjects that will not be used
again. POR FAVOR. IT’S “NAY-ter,” not “nuh-
The list, per department/subject: TEER” or “NAY-teer” or “Super Awesome
Reading Thing.” Mispronouncing our name
English—dangling participle,
dipthong, homophone, bare makes Brad Dorng cry, and nobody wants
infinitive, syllogism, assonance, that (even though it’s quite humorous).
logorrhea
Here are some things that rhyme with
Science—sacrum, coccyx, Poor, poor Uranus...
flagellate, Uranus, organism
“Natir” to help you remember:
Mathematics—asymptote Social Studies—Djibouti, Crater
Titicaca, Cockaleechie, Debator
Foreign language—all works by buttress
19 c. French author Balzac
Senior Curtis Bader (’11)
Music—pianist Teen idol Ralph Nader
Technology—hard drive, floppy

RitaLeaks threatens to cripple So get it right! Thank you, and Merry

St. Rita reputation
by Jack Gardner
Since Thanksgiving break ended, St. Rita
has been abuzz with excitement about the release
of over twenty links about the inner workings of
the St. Rita administration, as well as grades of
individual students. A formerly in-school website
only, RitaLeaks was founded back in 2006 as a
secret-leaking website by a student at St. Rita who
claimed he was a Brother Rice supporter prior to
his junior year. He did not return to St. Rita for his
senior year.
Some of the leaks contained confidential
grade information for several top “student” athletes
at St. Rita, which the administration had tried to
keep private from all students, even those whom
the leaks were concerning. The Athletic
Department quickly attempted to hush up the
leaked grades, in an effort to protect the sports
teams from losing their valuable athletes, and
basketball coach Gary DeCesare issued an apology
for the leaks, stating that this whole mess was
“gahbage.”
Rita officials say they should have known the former
student was not a Ritaman by his terrible haircut.
Another leak confirmed the sale of
Mrs. Deenihan‟s principal seat mentioned in the
previous issue of The Natir. In response to the
leak, a high-ranking official who wished to
remain nameless claimed, “It‟s totally false,
[Deenihan] had nothing to do with the
administration at the time of the sale.” After
realizing what he had said, he turned and
practically fled from the room, requesting
anonymity so that “she wouldn‟t find him.”
Christmas!
Approximately a week post-release, a student from
Brother Rice was suspended by administration at the school,
found to be the editor-in-chief of the RitaLeaks website after
assuming leadership in late 2009. Following the arrest, the
grading website Edline and tuition website F.A.C.T.S both
stopped offering donations from their websites to RitaLeaks.
Later that day, hackers operating under the name “RitaStudents”
shut down Edline and F.A.C.T.S by overloading them with
requests for money and attempting to steal grades off Edline,
taking them offline for a total of almost 5 hours.
As the student, whose name was not given by the
Brother Rice administration, was taken to his mom‟s minivan by
concerned school authorities, he yelled out, “I‟m only one head!
The real leader is still at Rita, not here! Sic semper tyrannus!”
Could this mean that the real leader of RitaLeaks is actually
inside the school itself? If so, many a star athlete and coach may
be sweating off the field and court knowing that certain secrets
are still very vulnerable.
THE NATIR DECEMBER 2010 p. 2

I don’t know but I’ve been told, SMA knows the Ranger
Because we believe you should
chokehold by Brad Dorng
have feedback, The Natir presents..

a rare photo of SMA, circa 1969

Bet you didn‟t know that Sr. Mary Alice Hoff, junior and senior counselor at St. Rita of Cascia High
School, is an ex marine. Before Sr. Mary Alice, also known as “Sarge,” came to Rita she fought off many
enemies on the battle front. As a matter of fact, she had done so well they promoted her to sergeant.
She started running boot camps and directing troops before she realized it. After war was let out, SMA
found her calling to the sister-hood. When she walked through the doors of nun school, all of the other nuns ran
the other way. She was intimidating because of her war experiences, and came off as a very scary lady. During
her training she actually started a boot camp, helping nuns to become more frightening in their schools. Actually
Sr. Mary Alice was the mastermind of nuns hitting students with rulers, yes it was her idea. After her years of
training in the sister hood, Mary Alice had become a nun.
One day while driving her Mustang, Sr. Mary Alice saw St. Rita high school. She walked through the
doors looking to become a teacher. The principal loved Sr. Mary Alice‟s spunky and strict attitude, and hired her
that day. She started out teaching Math to freshmen, and so many kids actually left Rita because they were scared
of her. The school was losing business so Sr. Mary Alice decided she would stop teaching and would become a
counselor. Many students feared her when they walked into her office, as they sat there shaking. She talked
college with students, but mad almost every person cry when they exited her office/dungeon. No one knew that
Sr. Mary Alice was an ex marine and ran intense boot camps prior to her career at St. Rita, they thought she was
just a stern person.
As the years went on Sr. Mary Alice became known as the most intimidating person who walked the
halls of St. Rita high school. Even Coach Kuska runs the other way when he see‟s Sister walking down the hall.
| | | Now that Sr. Mary Alice‟s secret is out about her war days, everyone understands why she is so intimidating. She
\|/ \|/ \|/ actually runs Saturday jug, making students do drills as if they were in boot camp. Sr. Mary Alice is one tough
cookie who you don‟t want to mess with.

Have a question, complaint, or spare change? Send to icantbelieveyouthinkwewouldlistentoyou@thenatir.omg

Screw your letters for this issue. They should have gone to Santa. In the true spirit of Christmas, we‟re going to be selfish
and tell you what we want under our trees and in our stockings.
The Natir‟s Xmas List (the “X” stands for Xtreme)

For Jesus to return to Earth and beat up Justin Bieber

Bacon
Those pine tree air fresheners for our lockers
An office in Peru so that we can have a missions
collection donated to us
Bacon wrapped shrimp
To know once and for all who really let the dogs out
World peace in Alsip
Bacon wrapped ice cream
Unlimited wishes
That you learn the difference between THERE, THEIR,
and THEY‟RE, as well as YOU‟RE and YOUR
Bacon wrapped turkey bacon
 THE NATIR SPORTS
INSIDE: New winter intramural sport—“Freshman Whitewashing”;
Inspired by Boise St. field, SR Water Polo to use yellow pool

AL QAEDA CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR VIKINGS’ ROOF FIASCO

Best wishes for a

By Charlie Murphy

As many already know the roof of the

Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota collapsed this
past week. Most chalked it up to seasonal winter
damage. That was until an audio tape was forwarded to

Merry Christmas
the American media.
According to the tape, Al Qaeda has taken
responsibility in the “attack.” Many people in the
Minneapolis area felt that the collapse was due to heavy
snowfall and cold weather; however, Alan “Al” Qaeda,

and a New Year

28, of Burbank, IL, and an Islamic extremist disputed
IHSA rules Jesus this statement saying that it was in fact sunny and warm
ineligible due to the day of December 12. Not only that, according to
Qaeda, but he and many other Al-Qaeda members took
‘no resurrection’ to the beach for their annual office picnic that very
policy p. 8 same day.

that gives us tons

Qaeda, a self-described “lifelong Bears fan
and [Viking QB Brett] Favre hater,” proceeded to talk
about the dastardly plan and how many people will get
refunds for the Giants-Vikings game scheduled to take
place that day. According to the tape, it will be a “real
mess.” The statement was followed by a badly timed

4 more chess
and placed evil laugh. When asked if the destruction of
the Metrodome had anything to do with the
underperformance of Brett Favre this year Mr. Qaeda
said “Allah, no! We are taught to treat our elders with
more material to
the highest respect…..whether they get benched for
team members

make fun of from

Tarvaris Jackson or not or do terrible blue jean
arrested p. 8 commercials.”
As for us Americans we did not seem fazed
by this act of “terrorism” seeing as the problem will be
solved in two to three weeks, and it’s the Vikings, so
it’s not a really big deal.

SR paper football
team gets revenge
on Lake Zurich p.8
Large homeless SR football player taken in
by SR family, but totally unlike that one
movie by Jake Spallina
In the heart of the Junior class at St. Rita High
School there was a boy—better yet—a 6 foot 8
inch, 290 lb. man, by the name of Nick Dachota,
or as the student body likes to say “Big Nick.” Big
Nick came to St. Rita as a freshman just like most
of the other students there. Immediately he
became very involved, excelling in football,
basketball, charity work, and altar serving.
It was as though Big Nick never really
left St. Rita on a daily basis. Always the first one
there in the morning for class, and always the last
one there to leave after football at the end of the
day.
Strangely enough, it was truer than
people thought.
One day, a freshman who had always
your enemies at
FBI file photo of Qaeda The Natir!
been intrigued by Big Nick decided to follow
him “home” after school. There's a big blue shed
next to the football field were all of the football
team’s blocking shields and pads are stored when
practice is not being conducted. Quiet and
isolated, it theoretically could be a perfect area to
stay in if someone had nowhere else to go.
The freshman followed Big Nick until
he reached the shed. After the door was closed,
the brave young boy approached the door and
knocked, but no answer came from within. The
boy opened the door very slowly to find Big Nick
curled up tight in between two big blue pads with
several old practice jerseys covering his body
trying his best to stay warm.
The boy, afraid and all, carefully
awoke Big Nick and asked him why he was
sleeping in here. With tears in his eyes Big Nick
replied, “I don't got anywhere else to go.” What
followed was something out of a movie that I
can’t think of at the moment.
The caring freshman immediately
offered Big Nick a place to stay (without asking
his parents). Big Nick, although hesitant at first,
gradually agreed as to go with the boy. After
being apprehensive at first, the freshman’s
parents couldn’t help but warm up to Big Nick,
finding him to be a gentle giant with a heart of
gold.
The rest you could almost say is
history. The two students became inseparable.
Big Nick playing on the field, the young boy
cheering from the sidelines. Big Nick became a
local icon, and his story spread all throughout the
city, then the state, and eventually the country. He
became everyone's success story, receiving a
scholarship to play football at a major Division I
program and being eventually drafted into the
NFL by… oh, let’s say Baltimore. Rumors
abound of a book deal and rights to a film on the
students’ remarkable story. Wouldn’t that be
great? As great as Warner Bros. not suing The
Natir for copyright infringement?