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Self-Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction
Self-esteem is a widely studied construct in psychology. It has even gained popularity over
time, and spilled into the mainstream media (Crocker & Park, 2004). However, before detailing
into an account on self-esteem, we first need to define it. Self-esteem, simply put is the amount of
value people put onto themselves. (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs, 2003). Hence, what
we call high self-esteem (HSE) is a positive evaluation of oneself, and low self-esteem is a
negative evaluation of oneself. Hence, it is only a perception that a person has, based on an
While the idea that HSEs do much better in life than LSEs is attractive and popular, recent
research has shown that HSE does not necessarily lead to success in school, or at work.
(Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs, 2003; Crocker & Park, 2004). While HSE does not
necessarily lead to success, HSE is more advantageous in interpersonal relationships. LSEs were
chronically dissatisfied with their romantic relationships (Cavallo, Fitzsimons & Holmes, 2009).
This can be explained by the tendency for LSEs to engage in potentially destructive behaviors like
hostility, avoidance or aggression. (Bellavia & Murray, 2003; Crocker & Park, 2004)
explained by several reasons. Firstly, LSEs yearn for higher levels of acceptance from their
partners, but are less willing to accept positive feedback. They also believe that their partner’s
love is conditional, upon presence of certain positive qualities. Unsure if they possess such
qualities, they do not develop trust towards their partner. LSEs also have self-concept confusion,
leaving them more vulnerable to external sources of stimuli, which can negatively alter their self-
perception. LSEs are also more likely to pursue self-protection instead of intimacy when faced
with relationship threats. Also, having too much of high self esteem, in terms of narcissistic
Sociometer Hypothesis
According to Leary, Tambor, Terdal and Downs (1995) self-esteem serves as a meter
which indicates to the self any signs of social exclusion by judging responses and reactions from
others. This implies that LSEs yearn for higher levels of acceptance than HSEs. People with low
self-esteem want their partners to see them more positively than they see themselves (Murray et
al., 2001). Yet, LSEs continuously underestimate how positively their partners consider them
(Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 2000). This has a detrimental effect because while LSEs require
more approval, they are also less willing to accept the approval they receive. Hence, this makes
keeps them in a vicious cycle, as they are unable to receive the approval they require.
Dependency Regulation
According to the dependency regulation model proposed by DeHart, Pelham, and Murray
(2004), people are self protective, when it comes to developing attachment towards others.
Therefore, they will only allow themselves to get close and attached to a partner when they feel
that their partner’s love is secure. (Sciangula, & Morry, 2009). However, LSEs are more likely to
believe that that their partner’s acceptance is conditional, whereby they will only be accepted if
they possess positive characteristics. (Baldwin & Sinclair, 1996). Since people believe that others
view of them is congruent to their own views (Swann, Pelham, & Krull, 1989), LSEs end up
projecting their negative views of themselves as their partner’s appraisals (Murray, Holmes,
Griffin, Bellavia, & Rose, 2001). Thus they are less likely to get intimate in relationships as
compared to HSEs, leading to lower satisfaction. (Marigold, Holmes, & Ross, 2007).
Self Concept
Another concern that LSEs face is a more confused self-concept that HSEs (Campbell, 1990).
They are less sure of their own personality traits and are less stable and consistent in describing
Self Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction
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these self-attributes (Campbell, 1990), making LSEs were more susceptible to potentially negative
threats from the outside (Brandt & Vonk, 2006; Campbell, Chew, & Scratchley, 1991). In an
experiment done by Bellavia and Murray (2003), LSEs felt more responsible for partner’s
negative mood than HSEs, even if the cause was ambiguous. Hence, LSEs’ unclear self-concept
allowed negative cues to alter their self-perceptions. When they feel less loved by their partners,
LSEs are more likely than HSEs to devalue the relationship and become more distant. (Bellavia &
Murray, 2003). This then leads to lower trust and less satisfaction in the relationship.
Risk Regulation
A risk regulation model put forward by Murray, Holmes and Collins (2006) proposes that people
have a regulatory system, which allows us to draw the balance between our need for intimacy with
our fear for rejection. LSEs, who are typically low in perceived regard, pursue self-protection
when facing negative relationship threats (Cavallo, Fitzsimons & Holmes, 2009). This causes
them to distance themselves from their partners, behave more hostilely, undermining relationship
wellbeing and satisfaction. After negative events, LSEs willingly make generalizations about their
partner’s lack of love, but do not do so after the occurrence of a positive event (Brennan &
Morris, 1997; Camper, Jacobson, Holtzworth-Munroe, & Schamling, 1988). This could be due to
LSEs’ worries about not being able to live up to the positive image and being rejected. Thus, self-
protection forbids them from accepting the positive affirmation that they need, hindering
satisfaction they can derive from the relationship. (Marigold, Holmes, & Ross, 2007).
While much of the research has focused on LSE and detrimental behaviors, there are some
damaging behaviors exhibited by HSEs that can lead to lower satisfaction for them. Firstly, HSEs
were more likely than LSEs to respond to relationship problems by leaving the relationship or
seeing other partners (Rusbult, Morrow, & Johnson, 1987). This can lead to deterioration of the
Self Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction
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relationship, which would end up causing dissatisfaction. Also, when HSE becomes very high, in
the case of narcissistic individuals, it leads to focusing on one’s own self interests at the expense
of others. (Crocker & Park, 2004). They will also feel that they deserve to be treated much better
and are overvalue their role in the relationship (Mruk, 2006). Hence, such persons will respond
aggressively and abusively if they feel their self-esteem is threatened by their partner, even
slightly (Baumeister, Smart, & Boden, 1996; Mruk, 2006). This will lead to estrangement and loss
Further Studies
Much current research discusses the level of satisfaction felt by LSEs and HSEs in relationships.
Little, however, has been studied about the effect of such individuals on their partners’
satisfaction level. A deteriorating relationship can indicate reduced satisfaction for both parties,
but few studies evaluate the direct influence on the other partner.
Research thus far also assumes that one partner has significantly higher self-esteem than the other.
This is not always the case, and there need to be studies that consider both variables: a person’s
Another assumption made by current studies is that the relationships studied are healthy.
However, there are many involved in unhealthy relationships ranging from mental, verbal and all
the way to physical abuse (Moreno et al., 2006). More research can be done about the interaction
of these two factors. eg. Are LSEs more likely to be in a dysfunctional relationship or does being
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