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Self Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction

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Self-Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction

Self-esteem is a widely studied construct in psychology. It has even gained popularity over

time, and spilled into the mainstream media (Crocker & Park, 2004). However, before detailing

into an account on self-esteem, we first need to define it. Self-esteem, simply put is the amount of

value people put onto themselves. (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs, 2003). Hence, what

we call high self-esteem (HSE) is a positive evaluation of oneself, and low self-esteem is a

negative evaluation of oneself. Hence, it is only a perception that a person has, based on an

evaluation of his or her characteristics compared to others’.

While the idea that HSEs do much better in life than LSEs is attractive and popular, recent

research has shown that HSE does not necessarily lead to success in school, or at work.

(Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger & Vohs, 2003; Crocker & Park, 2004). While HSE does not

necessarily lead to success, HSE is more advantageous in interpersonal relationships. LSEs were

chronically dissatisfied with their romantic relationships (Cavallo, Fitzsimons & Holmes, 2009).

This can be explained by the tendency for LSEs to engage in potentially destructive behaviors like

hostility, avoidance or aggression. (Bellavia & Murray, 2003; Crocker & Park, 2004)

LSE’s lower satisfaction in their romantic relationships compared to HSEs can be

explained by several reasons. Firstly, LSEs yearn for higher levels of acceptance from their

partners, but are less willing to accept positive feedback. They also believe that their partner’s

love is conditional, upon presence of certain positive qualities. Unsure if they possess such

qualities, they do not develop trust towards their partner. LSEs also have self-concept confusion,

leaving them more vulnerable to external sources of stimuli, which can negatively alter their self-

perception. LSEs are also more likely to pursue self-protection instead of intimacy when faced

with relationship threats. Also, having too much of high self esteem, in terms of narcissistic

tendencies is also less likely to bring about satisfaction in relationships.


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Literature Review

Sociometer Hypothesis

According to Leary, Tambor, Terdal and Downs (1995) self-esteem serves as a meter

which indicates to the self any signs of social exclusion by judging responses and reactions from

others. This implies that LSEs yearn for higher levels of acceptance than HSEs. People with low

self-esteem want their partners to see them more positively than they see themselves (Murray et

al., 2001). Yet, LSEs continuously underestimate how positively their partners consider them

(Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 2000). This has a detrimental effect because while LSEs require

more approval, they are also less willing to accept the approval they receive. Hence, this makes

keeps them in a vicious cycle, as they are unable to receive the approval they require.

Dependency Regulation

According to the dependency regulation model proposed by DeHart, Pelham, and Murray

(2004), people are self protective, when it comes to developing attachment towards others.

Therefore, they will only allow themselves to get close and attached to a partner when they feel

that their partner’s love is secure. (Sciangula, & Morry, 2009). However, LSEs are more likely to

believe that that their partner’s acceptance is conditional, whereby they will only be accepted if

they possess positive characteristics. (Baldwin & Sinclair, 1996). Since people believe that others

view of them is congruent to their own views (Swann, Pelham, & Krull, 1989), LSEs end up

projecting their negative views of themselves as their partner’s appraisals (Murray, Holmes,

Griffin, Bellavia, & Rose, 2001). Thus they are less likely to get intimate in relationships as

compared to HSEs, leading to lower satisfaction. (Marigold, Holmes, & Ross, 2007).

Self Concept

Another concern that LSEs face is a more confused self-concept that HSEs (Campbell, 1990).

They are less sure of their own personality traits and are less stable and consistent in describing
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these self-attributes (Campbell, 1990), making LSEs were more susceptible to potentially negative

threats from the outside (Brandt & Vonk, 2006; Campbell, Chew, & Scratchley, 1991). In an

experiment done by Bellavia and Murray (2003), LSEs felt more responsible for partner’s

negative mood than HSEs, even if the cause was ambiguous. Hence, LSEs’ unclear self-concept

allowed negative cues to alter their self-perceptions. When they feel less loved by their partners,

LSEs are more likely than HSEs to devalue the relationship and become more distant. (Bellavia &

Murray, 2003). This then leads to lower trust and less satisfaction in the relationship.

Risk Regulation

A risk regulation model put forward by Murray, Holmes and Collins (2006) proposes that people

have a regulatory system, which allows us to draw the balance between our need for intimacy with

our fear for rejection. LSEs, who are typically low in perceived regard, pursue self-protection

when facing negative relationship threats (Cavallo, Fitzsimons & Holmes, 2009). This causes

them to distance themselves from their partners, behave more hostilely, undermining relationship

wellbeing and satisfaction. After negative events, LSEs willingly make generalizations about their

partner’s lack of love, but do not do so after the occurrence of a positive event (Brennan &

Morris, 1997; Camper, Jacobson, Holtzworth-Munroe, & Schamling, 1988). This could be due to

LSEs’ worries about not being able to live up to the positive image and being rejected. Thus, self-

protection forbids them from accepting the positive affirmation that they need, hindering

satisfaction they can derive from the relationship. (Marigold, Holmes, & Ross, 2007).

High Self Esteem

While much of the research has focused on LSE and detrimental behaviors, there are some

damaging behaviors exhibited by HSEs that can lead to lower satisfaction for them. Firstly, HSEs

were more likely than LSEs to respond to relationship problems by leaving the relationship or

seeing other partners (Rusbult, Morrow, & Johnson, 1987). This can lead to deterioration of the
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relationship, which would end up causing dissatisfaction. Also, when HSE becomes very high, in

the case of narcissistic individuals, it leads to focusing on one’s own self interests at the expense

of others. (Crocker & Park, 2004). They will also feel that they deserve to be treated much better

and are overvalue their role in the relationship (Mruk, 2006). Hence, such persons will respond

aggressively and abusively if they feel their self-esteem is threatened by their partner, even

slightly (Baumeister, Smart, & Boden, 1996; Mruk, 2006). This will lead to estrangement and loss

of truly close and satisfying relationships.

Further Studies

Much current research discusses the level of satisfaction felt by LSEs and HSEs in relationships.

Little, however, has been studied about the effect of such individuals on their partners’

satisfaction level. A deteriorating relationship can indicate reduced satisfaction for both parties,

but few studies evaluate the direct influence on the other partner.

Research thus far also assumes that one partner has significantly higher self-esteem than the other.

This is not always the case, and there need to be studies that consider both variables: a person’s

self esteem, and their partner’s self esteem.

Another assumption made by current studies is that the relationships studied are healthy.

However, there are many involved in unhealthy relationships ranging from mental, verbal and all

the way to physical abuse (Moreno et al., 2006). More research can be done about the interaction

of these two factors. eg. Are LSEs more likely to be in a dysfunctional relationship or does being

in a dysfunctional relationship lead to LSE?


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