PTS.

CATEGORY A (excellent) B (good) C (fair) D (poor)

Writing contains many Writing contains some Writing contains few rich, Writing contains very few
rich, clearly defined, rich, clearly defined, clearly defined, detailed, detailed, original images.
detailed, sensory images detailed, sensory sensory images, but Sensory details are
__12_/15 using unique and original images, and some many images are not noticeably absent.
1.Image
diction. Reader can diction is original. At original. At least two
easily see, hear, smell, least one sensory detail sensory detail are
touch, and taste. is missing. missing.

Writing always displays Writing often displays an Writing has mostly Writing displays an
an interesting and interesting point-of-view inconsistent, unoriginal inconsistent, scattered
consistent point-of-view that is mostly engaging point-of-view using point-of-view with no
that is engaging and and appropriate for the stereotypical, uncreative. focus or purpose. Voice
appropriate for the content. Some attempt Some unity of voice is full of stereotypes and
__7_/10
2.Voice content. Writing made to establish present. offers nothing new by
experiments with speaker/narrator in a way of narrator/speaker.
creative ways of creative way.
establishing the
speaker/narrator.

Writing cleverly reveals Writing reveals character Writing sometimes Writing reveals boring,
character powerfully and mostly by showing them reveals character static character mostly
subtlety by showing through action, dialogue, through action, dialogue, listing character traits.
characters through and voice, but and voice, but mostly Characters are
__8_/10 action, dialogue, and occasionally through through telling. Only one inconsistently drawn,
3.Character
voice (and not mere telling. Most characters character is unique, stereotypical, or flat.
telling). All characters are unique, round, and round, or dynamic. Mostly stock characters.
are unique, round, and dynamic. Few stock Some stock characters.
dynamic. characters.

Writing expertly creates Writing adequately Writing creates a Writing does not create a
a definitive sense of creates a sense of place inconsistent or clear or consistent sense
place and time through and time through incomplete sense of of place and time. No
revealing detail. Setting revealing detail. Setting place and time. Setting obvious attempt to
__8__/10
4.Setting expertly used as world, adequately used as simply told and not create a vivid world for
camera, mood, symbol, world, camera, mood, shown. Little attempt to story.
and/or action. symbol, and/or action. create a vivid world for
story.

Writing illustrates an Writing illustrates an Writing illustrates some Writing illustrates little
understanding of plot understanding of plot understanding of plot understanding of plot
with a definite sense of with a weakness in at with a weakness in at with a weakness in at
exposition, least one plot least two plot least three plot
characterization, rising development area. Story development areas. development areas.
__17__/20
5.Story action, is somewhat original and Story is not very original Story is mostly recycled,
tension/complication, interesting. or interesting. unoriginal, or
climax, and resolution. uninteresting..
Story is original and
interesting.

Writing overwhelmingly Writing usually shows Writing sometimes Writing almost never
Show
shows character, action, character, action, and shows character, action, shows character, action,
and setting and almost setting but sometimes and setting but often tells and setting and almost
_12___15 vs.
never merely tells the tells the reader what to the reader what to think always merely tells the
reader what to think or think or feel. or feel. reader what to think or
Tell
feel. feel.
 Writing shows a unique,
thoughtful, appropriate
use of well-chosen
Word Choice words to create
(expected or believability, texture,
__8__10
clichéd richness, and originality
language) in character, action, and
setting. Writing lacks
any empty clichés or
expected language.
Writing always uses
appropriate spelling,
punctuation, and
grammar for the chosen
genre. Writing
_4___5 Conventions
purposefully and
successfully experiments
with conventions for a
definite effect. No
errors.
Writing expertly follows
formatting guidelines for
the chosen genre.
Appropriate attention is
_4___5 Format
paid to spacing, margins,
typeface, pagination, line
breaks, paragraphing,
dialogue, etc.
_80__/100 TOTAL
Adventures of Sundries
"You can come out. She's gone."
"Is she really?"
"Yes, I promise"
The boy crawls out of the linen closet at the Sundries orphanage with a face like a soldier
who just stormed Normandy.
"Are you new here?" Jacob mutters to the boy.
"Right you are. I just got dropped off by my parents. I guess they're going on vacation or
something. Could I stay with you until they get back?"
Writing shows some Writing shows little Writing shows no
attention to well-chosen attention to well-chosen attention to well-chosen
words to create words to create words. Writing lacks
believability, texture, believability, texture, vividness and is mostly
richness, and originality richness, and originality empty clichés or
in character, action, and in character, action, and expected language.
setting. Writing contains setting. Writing contains
some empty clichés or many empty clichés or
expected language. expected language.
Writing mostly uses Writing sometimes uses Writing rarely uses
appropriate spelling, appropriate spelling, appropriate spelling,
punctuation, and punctuation, and punctuation, and
grammar for the chosen grammar for the chosen grammar for the chosen
genre. 1-2 errors. genre. 3-4 errors. genre. 5+ errors.
Writing mostly follows Writing somewhat Writing does not follow
formatting guidelines for follows formatting formatting guidelines for
the chosen genre. guidelines for the chosen the chosen genre. No
Appropriate attention is genre. Some attention is attention is paid to
paid to spacing, margins, paid to spacing, margins, spacing, margins,
typeface, pagination, line typeface, pagination, line typeface, pagination, line
breaks, paragraphing, breaks, paragraphing, breaks, paragraphing,
dialogue, etc. 1-2 errors dialogue, etc. 3-4 errors dialogue, etc. 5+ errors.
Comment [JD1]: Great juxtaposition of
mundanity (sundries) with adventure in your title.
Comment [JD2]: For all of your dialog, be sure
to punctuate correctly. Here, without a dialog tag
(he said), you need a period before end-quotes.
Comment [JD3]: I’d recommend using SIMPLE
PAST for the entire story. PRESENT is a hard sell for
readers.
Comment [JD4]: Interesting simile, but is this
fear, determination, courage?
Comment [JD5]: Very precocious-sounding kid
in the VOICE here. Right you are?! Some plot
questions surfacing…who leaves kids at an
ORPHANAGE before a vacation?
 Jacob knows the boy's parents aren't coming back, but says yes anyways. Comment [JD6]: Is this necessary. Cut it.
Perhaps SHOW this knowledge through the way
Jacob talks with the boy. Be SUBTLE.
"Who was that scary old lady?"

"Ms. Priscilla Lock... she is the caretaker here. Everyone thinks she is from the fiery depths

of hell. One time actually this boy, Nate, went up to her and asked her if she knew the devil. He

mysteriously disappeared the next day and no one has seen or heard from him since."

"Good thing I don't have to deal with her for that long then."

"What's your name?" Jacob asks.

"Mike Jones, but people just call me MJ."

"Well Mike, follow me I'll give you the tour." Comment [JD7]: Notice how important
PUNCTUATION is here. Two missing pieces…

For the rest of the afternoon Jacob shows Mike around the orphanage. Located in Whitelock, Comment [JD8]: Instead of pressing the
SPACEBAR, using the TAB key for new paragraphs.

which a suburb of Baltimore, the orphanage is a small two story wooden house located between Comment [JD9]: This PRESENT TENSE is NOT
working. As time passes in this story, you still use
PRESENT, which will cause readers to reject the
two boarded up mansions. There is smoke always coming out of the chimney of the orphanage story.
Comment [JD10]: delete
which symbolizes the unknown, dark mystery of what is really going on inside and give a sort of Comment [JD11]: is it odd for the narrator
himself to interpret the SYMBOLIC meaning of the
smoke. Perhaps you should leave the interpreting
eerie feeling about the house. The orphanage is home to twelve kids between the ages of six and to the READER. Just describe the place.

sixteen, four boys and eight girls. A rod iron gate surrounds the house and a locked gate, which Comment [JD12]: Wrought?

gives the property a sort of prison feel to it. Caretaker of the orphanage is a fifty-eight year old

widowed woman who has spent the last 35 years in prison. Everyone hates her and she resembles Comment [JD13]: How does the narrator know
this?

the "Agatha Trunchbull" of the orphanage.

The house kitchen is located on the first floor on the way back of the house. Instead of the

orphans being fed breakfast, lunch, and dinner like a normal orphanage, the kids have to cook for
Comment [JD14]: This is a fascinating detail
that distinguishes this orphanage and this story
Ms. Lock and themselves. It is especially hard because there are never any ingredients to make a from others like. Nice invention here, Matt!
Comment [JD15]: Strong attempts to provide
good meal. The next day, Mike gets up earlier than everyone else and since he is the new kid in setting and context, but the reader wants a SCENE,
like the one you opened with at the start of the
story.
the house he doesn't know how things go.
Comment [JD16]: Which day? The last two
paragraphs have been SUMMARIES (not scenes), so
saying “next day” makes no sense.
 He walks up to Ms. Lock and says, "Excuse me ma'am..."

As she flips aimlessly through the pages of her files she mutters, "What's your name again?

Oh yeah, you're the kid who just got dropped of here... Jones huh?"

"Yes ma'am. I was wondering what was for breakfast today?"

"Is that supposed to be a joke? You better start learning the rules around here, Mike, or so

help me God your stay here will feel like an eternity." Comment [JD17]: Your writing really soars
when you write dialog. This is one of your
STRENGTHS as a writer. Exploit it!
Just as Ms. Lock is about to pummel Mike into the ground, Jacob comes running down the

stairs.

"No stop! I'll show him how it's done Ms. Lock." Jacob desperately says. Trying to calm her Comment [JD18]: COMMA BEFORE NOUNS OF
DIRECT ADDRESS.

down and avoid a tantrum Jacob says, "What would you like for breakfast today Ms. Lock? How Comment [JD19]: Think about the way people
speak. Do they always refer to the other person by
their name out loud each time they speak to them?
about pancakes?"

Ms. Lock gives a firm nod and walks away into her office slamming the door behind her.

Mike and Jacob walk into the kitchen to see if they can find anything whatsoever to make

pancakes with. Mike has never cooked anything in his life so he learns some culinary tricks from

Jacob. They are almost done when suddenly, all of the other kids coming running down the stairs Comment [JD20]: This is a bit rushed. This is
SUMMARY. Put us in the scene and reveal the
culinary teaching.
and barge into the kitchen looking for anything to eat. They cause havoc and knock over all of
Comment [JD21]: Expected language.

the pots and pans Mike and Jacob are using. One of the "special" kids though he saw a rat

running across the floor so he took the broom from the corner and chased it around the kitchen

knocking everything over in his path, including the batter-filled pans on the stove.

"MJ, you have to realize that in this house you can never expect anything to get done the Comment [JD22]: Did I miss who MJ is?
Confused. Oh, MJ is Mike. Okay.

right way. There are always obstacles."

 Mike and Jacob eat the remaining pancakes they made and put a bowl of batter on the

counter for the rest of the kids and Ms. Lock. They run upstairs to their room and shut the door

behind them.

"I have been here a day and it feels like I have been here an eternity. I can't wait until my

parents come back and I can get back to my own bed and my mom's home cooked meals."

"MJ, I don't think they're coming back for you..."

"Shut up Jacob, of course they're coming back for me! Why would you say something like

that?"

"MJ, this is an orphanage. Do you know what that word even means?"

"Yeah, of course I do. It's like a hotel for kids, because we can't stay alone in our house

when our parents are out of town because we are too young." Comment [JD23]: Neat. This is the core tension
in the story. Humorous and sad at the same time.
MJ thinks he’s at a hotel for kids. Interesting.
"No Mike... an orphanage in a place where parents drop their kids off because they don't

want them anymore. Your parents don't want you Mike, that's why they brought you here. They Comment [JD24]: COMMA

don't care about you. They don't care whether or not you find another family or not. They

deserted you. They don't love you." Comment [JD25]: Do you want to add physical
movements within the dialog to give reader a sense
if Jacob is speaking seriously, humorously, etc.?
Mike leaves the room in disbelief. He can't comprehend what he just heard and refuses to

believe any part of it. Comment [JD26]: Show us some body language
here. It will also give you a chance for physical
description because I don’t have a clear sense how
Later that day, Jacob finds Mike on the balcony looking over the hustle and bustle of the old he is or what he looks like.

streets. Mike has a look on his face like he has just been hit by a train and the train somehow got

put into reverse and rolled over his dead body once more. Jacob had a plan, a plan to set

everything straight and to rid Mike and himself of this horrible place. He was going to devise a Comment [JD27]: Interesting twist here. You
may want to place a hint (foreshadowing) earlier in
plan to break out of the prison. the story that Jacob too is DISCONTENTED with this
place; otherwise, this “jail break” comes out of
nowhere. Plus, I’m not sure they are SO OPPRESSED
because they have to cook meals. You’ll need to
vilify the adults more to make this work, right? Or
are you showing that the kids are delusional and
stuck in a fantasy of jail breaking?
 That night, at 2:46 A.M., Both boys get out of their rusty bunk beds and tip-toe across the

creaking floor boards to the window. They open their toy chest which is filled with the dust

bunnies of the years without a single toy being put inside. They carefully take out the tied sheets

that they had so willfully constructed that afternoon. The sheets measured in 30 feet in length

with knots that were tied so tight it would make a marine look like a little girl. The boys also

managed to tie wrap a rock in the end of the sheet serving as an anchor. Comment [JD28]: Some of your best
description here. Great job balancing action with
imagery. I felt very quiet in this moment.
Whispering hesitantly Jacob says, "Okay MJ, on three... I'll throw the rock onto that ledge
Comment [JD29]: Simplify your dialog tags. Try
Jacob whispered, …
over there and you feed the sheet through my hands so it doesn't fall down onto the street."

"Yeah okay sounds like a plan."

"One...two....three!"

Jacob throws the rock and with precision accuracy it lands perfectly onto the ledge of the Comment [JD30]: DELETE this editorial from the
narrator. Just show the action. We’ll be able to tell it
was accurate because it “lands perfectly.” Trust the
adjacent building across the street. With an "air five" the boys celebrate their accomplishment, reader.

but it's far from over. The boys then climb out onto the ledge and without looking down; they

start to shimmy their way across the trench that is the front yard of the orphanage. Five feet into Comment [JD31]: Like a medieval MOTE?

the journey, they forgot about the one thing that Ms. Lock invested in the house: the security

lights. The bright lights suddenly turn on and shine straight on the boys shimmying across the

sheet. The boys are startled and freeze in fear. One of the lights shines straight into Ms. Lock's

bedroom window. They see her standing there staring straight at them with the same look on her

face that she gave Nate before he left this world. The boys glance over at their destination and Comment [JD32]: What a scary image. Maybe
linger here a little longer with the CAMERA.

turn back and she is gone. They look up and she is standing at their window. The boys shimmy

as fast as they can while she chases after them.

"Go Jacob go! She's catching up to us!"

"I'm going as fast as I can!"

 The boys reach the ledge and Ms. Lock is suspended looking up at them. Jacob picks up the

rock and throws it down to the street, Ms. Lock going with it. Boom! She hits the cement

concrete measuring a 2.3 earthquake for the entire neighborhood. Comment [JD33]: I reread this page and I can’t
quite visual what is happening here with the rock,
the sheets, the “suspended” Ms. Lock. They caused
Only moments later the smoke out of the chimney comes to a stop and the rusted lock on her to fall? How so? Not clear.

the rod Iron Gate falls off. The boys descend the fire escape of the building and walk over to Ms. Comment [JD34]: Why capitals?

Lock to see how bad the damage is.

"She isn't moving Jacob." Mike says.

"I know man and I don't think she is breathing either. What should we do?"

"Leave a note on her for the police?"

"Sounds like a plan to me." Comment [JD35]: Can’t tell again what the
MOOD is here. Is this supposed to be comical
(earthquake reference) or serious, sobering, fatal?
The boys walk back into the house and reach into the closet to write down a note to the

police that was obviously a lie. Just as Jacob is finishing up the letter he sees the door to Ms.

Lock's room open and Mike is gone. Jacob opens the door and finds Mike standing behind her

desk with his file in his hands. Mike opens it and reads the letter that his parents left to Ms. Lock.

After the third sentence he screams and rips up the letter, throwing the bits and pieces all over

the floor. Comment [JD36]: Interesting twist here. MJ

trying to get to the bottom of his identity.

"Let's get out of here MJ." Jacob says

"I'm right behind you buddy."

The boys shove the note in Ms. Lock’s mouth and walk out into the night with a feeling that

the Sundries Orphanage has been changed forever. Comment [JD37]: Delete this. Just end with the
image.

Questions

1. Do you think I had to much dialogue and not enough depth into the setting?
2. Dialogue is your strong suit. You have solid dialog in opening and in the last few pages.
When you summarize the scenarios, that’s when the story slows down. Regarding setting
and character description, both could be improved/clarified. (For example, the escape has
setting, but I can’t tell exactly what’s happening.)
3. Could I have had more imagery in the scenes where I describe the setting?
4. Yes, more details like the rusty bunk beds. Also, more description of the kitchen.
Sparkling or filthy. We need to know if we should be scared, revolted, sad?
5. Could I have changed the ending to make it better?
6. Indeed the ending is creepy, but I think you are going for that. Do you think the death
(and note stuffed in mouth) is too morbid or fitting of the rest of the story? Are these two
boys who have delusions of grandeur in their ‘escape’ attempt whose plans goes afoul or
is this supposed to read as a joco-serious comic book vengeance on adults tale? Right
now the story is in between. Much of the revision will be in the middle pages.