ZAFAF by Elan for group muslim

Rasulullah (s.a) says: - that one should not stay up at night but for 3 reasons:-
1. Reciting the Quran and in Prayers
2. In seeking Knowledge
3. For Zafaf He (s.a) also said that: -
You must dress for your wife just as you would like her to dress for you. Imam
Mohammed ul Baqir (a.s) says that: - by Dressing up the reference is to cleanliness,
meaning that both should be clean.
On the night of the zafaf (Wedding night) when the bride and groom enter the room,
both should be in the state of wudhu. The groom's supplication on the wedding night
When you marry a woman, you should say: O Allaah, I ask You for the goodness
within her and the goodness that you have made her inclined towards, and I take
refuge with You from the evil within her and the evil that you have made her inclined
towards.
Supplication before sexual intercourse: In the name of Allaah. O Allaah, keep the
devil away from us and keep the devil away form what you have blessed us with.
The Prohibition of Sodomy It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her
anus. This is understood from the verse quoted above (i.e. since a "planting ground"
can only refer to a place where something might grow), and from the narrations cited
above.
There are also other hadith on the subject, among them: First: On the authority of
Umm Salama who said: "When the Muhajireen came to Ansaar at al-Madeenah, some
of them married women from the Ansaar. The women of the Muhajireen used to lie
on their faces (during intercourse), while the women of the Ansaar never did it that
way. Then, one of the men of the Muhajireen wanted his wife to do that. She refused
until such time as she could ask the Prophet about it. She went to the Prophet but was
embarassed to ask the question, adn so Umm Salama asked him. Then the verse was
revealed which says: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when
or how ye will;" [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet said: "No! (not any way you wish)
Except in one opening! (ie. the vagina)". [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhee and others : Saheeh]
Second: On the authority of Ibn 'Abbaas who said: "'Umar ibn Al-Khattaab came to
the Prophet and said: 'O Messenger of Allaah, I am destroyed!' The Prophet asked:
'And what has destroyed you, O 'Umar?' 'Umar said: `I turned my mount around last
night.' (An expression which means he has sexual intercourse with his wife
penetrating the vagina while mounting her from the rear.) The Prophet gave him no
answer and when the revelation came and the verse was revealed which says: "Your
wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;" [al-
Baqarah 2:223] and the Prophet said: "From the front and from the back, just beware
of her anus and her menses". [an-Nasaa'ee in "`Ishratun-Nisaa" with hasan isnaad, at-
Tirmidhee and others]. Third: On the authority of Khuzaima ibn Thaabit who said: "A
man asked the Prophet about entering women in the rear, or the entering by a man of
his wife in her rear, and the Prohet answered: `Halaal (ie. permissible).' When the man
turned to leave, the Prophet called him or ordered for him to be called back and said :
"What did you say? In which of the 2 openings did you mean? If what you meant was
from her rear and in her vagina, then yes. But if what you meant was from her rear
and in her anus, then no. Verily Allaah is not ashamed of the truth - do not enter your
wives in their anuses!" [as-Shaafi, al-Baihaqi and others: Saheeh] Fourth: "Allaah
does not look at one who comes to his wife in her anus". [an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan isnaad
and supported in "al-'Ishrah"; at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Hibbaan]. Fifth: "Cursed are those
who come to their wives in their anuses." [Aboo Dawood, Ahmad and others with
hasan isnaad and is supported]. Sixth: "Whoever has sexual intercourse with a
mentruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes
what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad ". [Aboo
Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh]. Bathing is preferable Bathing, however,
is preferable to merely making wudhuu' in such situations. Abu Raafi' narrates: "That
the Prophet made the rounds of all his wives one night, bathing in the house of each
one. He (i.e. the narrator) asked the Prophet : "Couldn't you have just bathed once (i.e.
at the end)? The Prophet answered : "This way is purer, cleaner and better". [Aboo
Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan in "al-'Ishrah", and others]. Making Wudhuu' between
2 acts with one's wife When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in
the legal manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform
wudhuu', based on the statement of the Prophet : "When one of you comes to his wife
and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu' between the 2 times
(In another version, the same wudhuu' which he performs for prayer) for verily, it will
invigorate his return."[Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others]. Making Tayammum in a
state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu' It is also permissible to make Tayammum
sometimes instead of wudhuu' before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah
in which she said: "When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he
used to make wudhuu' or Tayammum." [Al-Baihaqi: Hasan] Bathing before Sleeping
is Perferable Bathing however, is perferable to any of the above-mentioned
possibilities as is clear in the hadith of `Abullaah ibn Qais who said: "I asked 'Ai'ishah
: "What did the Prophet do when in a state of janaba? Did he bathe before sleeping or
sleep before bathing?" She answered: "He did all of those things. Sometimes he bathe
and then slept. And sometimes he performed wudhuu' and then slept." I said: "Praise
be to Allah who made things flexible.""[Muslim, Ahmad and Abu `Auwaana]. The
Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have
sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating. This is clear in the
following verse of the Qur'an: "They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They
are a hurt and a pollution: So keep away from women in their courses, and do not
approach them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may
approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah
loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure
and clean." [Al-Baqarah, 2:222] There are also hadith about this, among them: First:
"Whoever has sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman, or a woman in her
anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that
which was revealed to Muhammad ." Second: On the authority of Anas ibn Malik,
who said: "When one of their women has their period, the Jews used to put her out of
the house, and they would not eat, drink, or sleep with her in the house. The Prophet
was asked about this, and Allaah revealed the verse: "They ask thee concerning
women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: so keep away from women in
their courses, ... Then the Prophet said: "Be with them in the house, and do everything
except for intercourse itself." The Jews said: "This man wants to leave nothing which
we do without doing something different." Then, Asyad ibn Hudair said: "O
Messenger of Allah, verily the Jews says such-and-such, shoudl we not then have
sexual intercourse during menstruation?" The Prophet's face changed such that they
thought that he was enraged with them, so they left. As they were coming out, they
saw a gift of milk being brought to the Prophet . The Prophet then sent someone after
them to give them a drink of milk, so they felt that he was not actually angry with
them." [Muslim, Abu 'Auwaana and Abu Daawood]. Question : islam teaches us
everthing..as to how to eat , dress, etc...is there also a Sunnah way of sleeping with
one's wife.is any position Sunnah ..or is there nothing in Saheeh Hadith with regard to
this? Answer : Praise be to Allaah. Yes, you are right: Islam teaches us all things and
has brought all good teaching to mankind concerning their livelihood, religion, living
and dying, because it is the religion of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted.
Sexual relations are among the important matters of life which Islam came to explain
and to prescribe proper conduct and rulings which elevate it from the level of mere
bestial pleasure and physical desire. Islam connects it to a righteous intention,
supplications (adhkaar) and proper conduct which lift it up to the level of worship for
which the Muslim will be rewarded. The Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) explains this. Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy
on him) says in his book Zaad al-Maaad: Concerning sexual relations, the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) brought the most perfect guidance,
whereby health may be preserved and people may find pleasure and enjoyment, and it
may fulfil the purpose for which it was created, because sex was created for three
basic purposes: The preservation and propagation of the human race, until they reach
the number of souls that Allaah has decreed should be created in this world.
Expulsion of the water (semen) which may cause harm to the body if it is retained.
Fulfilling physical desires and enjoying physical pleasure. This alone is the feature
that will be present in Paradise, because there will be no producing of offspring there,
and no retention which needs to be relieved by ejaculation. The best doctors suggest
that sex is one of the means of maintaining good health. (al-Tibb al-Nabawi, p. 249).
And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Among its benefits is that it helps to
lower the gaze, brings self-control, enables one to keep away from haraam things, and
achieves all of these things for the woman too. It brings benefit to a man with regard
to this world and the Hereafter, and benefits the woman too. Hence the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to enjoy regular intimate relations with his
wives, and he said, In your world, women and perfume have been made dear to me.
(Narrated by Ahmad, 3/128; al-Nasaai, 7/61; classed as saheeh by al-Haakim). And
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: O young men, whoever
among you can afford it, let him get married, for it helps him to lower his gaze and
protect his chastity. And whoever cannot do that, let him fast, for it will be a
protection for him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/92; Muslim, 1400). (al-Tibb al-
Nabawi, 251). Among the important matters which should be paid attention to when
engaging in intimate relations: Having the sincere intention of doing this thing only
for the sake of Allaah. One should intend to do this to protect oneself and one's wife
from doing haraam things, to increase the numbers of the Muslim ummah so as to
raise its status, for there is honour and pride in large numbers. It should be known that
one will be rewarded for this action, even if he finds immediate pleasure and
enjoyment in it. It was reported from Abu Dharr that the Messenger of Allaah (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: In the sexual intercourse of any one of you
there is reward (meaning, when he has intercourse with his wife). They said, O
Mesenger of Allaah, when any one of us fulfils his desire, will he have a reward for
that? He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Do you not see that if he
were to do it in a haraam manner, he would be punished for that? So if he does it in a
halaal manner, he will be rewarded. (Narrated by Muslim, 720). This is the great
bounty of Allaah towards this Ummah; praise be to Allaah Who has made us among
them. Intercourse should be preceded by kind words, playfulness and kisses. The
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to play with his wives and
kiss them. When a man has intercourse with his wife, he should say: Bismillaah,
Allaahumma jannibnaa al-shaytaan wa jannib al-shaytaan maa razqtanaa (In the name
of Allaah, O Allaah Keep us away from the Shaytaan and keep the Shaytaan away
from what You bestow on us (our children)). The Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If Allaah decrees that they should have a child,
the Shaytaan will never harm him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/187) It is permissible
for the husband to have intercourse with his wife in her vagina in whatever manner he
wishes, from behind or from the front, on the condition that it is in her vagina, which
is the place from which a child is born. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your
wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how
you will [al-Baqarah 2:223]. Jaabir ibn Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him)
said: The Jews used to say that if a man had intercourse with his wife in her vagina
from behind, the child would have a squint. Then this aayah was revealed: Your wives
are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any
manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [al-
Baqarah 2:223]. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said: From the front or from the back, so long as it is in the vagina. (Narrated by
al-Bukhaari, 8/154; Muslim, 4/156). It is not permissible for the husband under any
circumstances whatsoever to have intercourse with his wife in her back passage.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to
your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the
vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [al-Baqarah 2:223]. It is known
that the place of tilth is the vagina, which is the place from which one hopes for a
child. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: He is cursed
who has intercourse with women in their back passages. (Narrated by Ibn Udayy,
1/211; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 105). This is because it
[anal intercourse] goes against the fitrah [natural inclinations of man] and is an action
which is revolting to those of a sound human nature; it also causes the woman to miss
out on her share of pleasure; and the back passage is a place of filth and dirt and there
are other reasons which confirm the fact that this deed is haraam. For more
information see Question #1103. If a man has intercourse with his wife and wants to
come back to her a second time, he should do wudoo, because the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If any one of you has intercourse with his wife
then wants to repeat it, let him do wudoo between the two (actions), for it is more
energizing for the second time. (Narrated by Muslim, 1/171). This is mustahabb
(recommended), not waajib (obligatory); if he is able to do ghusl between the two
actions, this is better, because of the hadeeth of Abu Raafi who said that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) went around his wives one day and did
ghusl in this ones house and in this ones house. He (Abu Raafi) said: I said to him, O
Messenger of Allaah, why do you not do one ghusl? He said, This is cleaner and
better and purer. (Narrated by Abu Dawood and al-Nasaai, 1/79) One or both of the
spouses have to do ghusl in the following situations: when the two circumcised parts
meet, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When
the circumcised part meets the circumcised part (according to another report: when
the circumcised part touches the circumcised part), ghusl becomes waajib
(obligatory). (Narrated by Ahmad and Muslim, no. 526). This ghusl is obligatory
whether ejaculation takes place or not. The touching of the circumcised parts means
that the glans or tip of the penis penetrates the vagina; it does not mean mere
touching. Emission of semen, even if the two circumcised parts do not touch, because
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, Water is for water [i.e.,
the water of ghusl is necessary when the water of semen is ejaculated]. (Narrated by
Muslim, no. 1/269). Al-Baghawi said in Sharh al-Sunnah (2/9): Ghusl for janaabah
[impurity following sexual discharge] is waajib in either of two cases: when the tip of
the penis enters the vagina, or when gushing water is emitted by either the man or the
woman. For more information on the details of ghusl as prescribed in shareeah, see
Question # 415. It is permissible for the husband and wife to do ghusl together in one
place, even if he sees her and she sees him, because of the hadeeth of Aaishah (may
Allaah be pleased with her) who said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) and I used to do ghusl together from one vessel between me and him; we
would take turns dipping our hands in the vessel and he would take more than me
until I would say, Leave some for me, leave some for me. She said, and they were
both junub (in a state of janaabah). Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim. It is
permissible for a person who has to make ghusl to sleep and delay the ghusl until
before the time of prayer, but it is definitely mustahabb for him to do wudoo before
sleeping, because of the hadeeth of Umar, who said that he asked the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him), Can any one of us sleep when he is junub? The
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Yes, but let him do wudoo
if he wishes. (Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, 232). It is forbidden to have intercourse with
a woman when she is menstruating (having her period), because Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning): They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an
adhaa (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while
she is having her menses), therefore keep away from women during menses and go
not unto them till they have purified (from menses and have taken a bath). And when
they have prufieied themselves, then go in unto them as Allaah has ordained for you
(go in unto them in any manner as long as it is in their vagina). Truly, Allaah loves
those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by
taking a bath and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts, bodies, for their
prayers, etc.). [al-Baqarah 2:222]. The person who has intercourse with his wife
whilst she is menstruating has to give a dinar or half a dinar in charity, as it was
reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) obliged a man
to do when he came and asked him about that. This was reported by the authors of al-
Sunan and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 122. But it is
permissible for the husband to enjoy his menstruating wife without having
intercourse, because of the hadeeth of Aaishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who
said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would tell
one of us, when she was menstruating, to wear a waist-wrapper, then her husband
would lie with her. (Agreed upon). It is permissible for the husband to withdraw (azl)
if he does not want to have a child; by the same token it is permissible for him to use
condoms if his wife gives her permission, because she has the right to pleasure and to
children. The evidence for this is the hadeeth of Jaabir ibn Abd-Allaah (may Allaah
be pleased with him) who said, We used to do azl at the time of the Messenger of
Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). The Messenger of Allaah (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) heard about that, and he did not forbid us.
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/250; Muslim, 4/160). But it is better not to do any of that,
for several reasons, including the fact that it deprives the woman of pleasure or
reduces the pleasure for her; and that it cancels out one of the purposes of marriage,
which is to increase the number of offspring, as mentioned above. It is forbidden for
both spouses to spread the secrets of what happens between them in their private
marital life; indeed, this is one of the most evil things. The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Among the most evil of people before Allaah
on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who comes to his wife and has intercourse
with her, then he spreads her secrets. (Narrated by Muslim, 4/157). It was reported
from Asmaa bint Yazeed that she was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) and men and women were sitting with him, and the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, Would any man say what he did with his wife?
Would any woman tell others what she did with her husband? The people kept quiet
and did not answer. I [Asmaa] said: Yes, by Allaah, O Messenger of Allaah, they
(women) do that, and they (men) do that. He said, Do not do that. It is like a male
devil meeting a female devil in the road and having intercourse with her whilst the
people are watching. (Narrated by Abu Dawood, no. 1/339; classed as saheeh by al-
Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 143). This is what we were able to mention about the
etiquette of sexual relations. Praise be to Allaah Who has guided us to this great
religion with its sublime manners. Praise be to Allaah Who has shown us the best of
this world and the next. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. When a Muslim
wants to consummate his marriage, a number of things are recommended in the
sunnah: He should treat his bride kindly and gently, like offering her something to
drink and so on, because of the hadeeth narrated by Asmaa bint Yazeed ibn al-Sakan,
who said: I prepared Aaishah as a bride when she married the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). I came to him and invited him to see her
(uncover her face). So he came and sat beside her, and a large cup of milk was
brought to him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) drank some,
then offered it to her, but she lowered her head and felt shy. I rebuked her and said:
Take it from the hand of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). So
she took it and drank a little, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said to her, Give some to your companion (meaning himself). (Reported by
Imaam Ahmad and deemed saheeh by al-Albaani) He should place his hand on his
brides head and pray for her, saying Bismillaah and asking for barakah (blessing),
saying the words reported in the hadeeth narrated by Abdullaah ibn Amr ibn al-Aas,
who said that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When
one of you marries a woman or buys a servant, let him say: Allaahumma inni asaluka
khayraha wa khayra ma jabaltaha alayhi wa aoodhu bika min sharriha wa min sharri
ma jabaltaha alayhi (O Allaah, I ask You for her goodness and the goodness which
You have created in her, and I seek refuge with You from her evil and the evil which
You have created in her). Abu Dawud said that Abu Saeed added: Then let him take
hold of her forelock and pray for blessing from this woman or servant. (Reported by
Abu Dawud in al-Sunan, Kitaab al-Nikaah, Baab fi jaami al-nikaah; classed as hasan
in Saheeh al-Jaami, no. 341) He should pray two rakahs with her, leading her in
prayer, because this is reported as being the practice of the salaf (early generations).
There are two reports concerning this. (i) from Abu Saeed, the freed slave of Abu
Usayd, which states that a group of the Companions of the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught him and told him: When your wife comes in
to you, pray two rakahs and ask Allaah for the goodness of what has come to you, and
seek refuge with Him from its evil. (ii) from Shaqeeq, who said: A man called Abu
Hareez came and said (to Abdullaah ibn Masood, may Allaah be pleased with him): I
have married a young virgin girl, but I am afraid that she may hate me. Abdullaah
said: Love comes from Allaah and hatred comes from Shaytaan, who wants to make
you hate what Allaah has made permissible. When she comes to you, tell her to pray
two rakahs behind you. (These two reports were narrated by Ibn Abi Shaybah; see
Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani). When he wants to consummate the marriage, he
should say the words reported in the hadeeth reported by Ibn Abbaas (may Allaah be
pleased with him and his father) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) who said: When one of you wants to approach (have intercourse with) his
wife, if he says: Bismillahi Allaahumma jannibna al-Shaytaan wa jannib al-Shaytaan
ma razaqtana (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah, protect us from Shaytaan and protect
whatever You give to us from Shaytaan) then if they are given a child, Shaytaan will
not harm it. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath, no. 3271) (For more information, see
Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani, p. 91) There is no limit to the number of guests one
can invite to a wedding feast (waleema), so invite whoever you wish of your relatives,
the brides relatives, your friends and anyone you have a good reason to invite. It is not
permitted in Islam to do anything that is haraam such as having music, letting men
and women mix, or letting women dance in front of men, or other things that earn the
wrath of Allaah. How can the blessing of Allaah be exchanged for disobedience and
immorality? At weddings, women can do whatever is allowed in Islam, such as
singing acceptable songs with good words or entertaining themselves by playing the
daff (a certain kind of drum, resembling a tambourine without the rattles) only, so
long as no men are present. Providing the wedding feast (waleema) is the husbands
responsibility. The sunnah is to slaughter one sheep or more for the guests, if he is
able to, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Abd al-
Rahmaan ibn Awf, Give a wedding feast, even if it is only one sheep. (Reported by al-
Bukhaari, al-Fath, no. 2048). We ask Allaah to bless you and your bride and to grant
you a happy marriage. Sexual Problems `The more a woman feels desire, the more
she will be desired.' (Ibn Qutayba, Uyun al-Akhbar) `May Allah grant glory and
eternal salvation to those who know how to stroke a soft cheek in an accomplished
manner, to give a just accolade to a slender waist, and to enter the sweetest farj with a
befitting skill!' (Imam al Suyuti, Kitab al-Idah fi ilm al-nikah) There is a widespread
belief that the sexual problems of society at large do not exist in the Muslim
community - or are at least uncommon. Sadly, the dislocation many Muslim families
have experienced over the past generation or so means that this rosy assessment is
often misplaced. One such problem is that of husbands who are baffled that sex,
which seems very enjoyable to them, does not seem in the least enjoyable to their
wives. They begin to wonder what is wrong with them. Has it been their misfortune to
marry a frigid woman? Or is it that she simply doesn't care for him at all? It all seems
so enigmatic - but then women are a mystery, aren't they? Poor men! The answer
often lies in their own ignorance of women's sexuality - and the answers to their
mystified questions are really so easy! Those sensual decadent American women on
the films do not enjoy sex any more or less than the most chaste of Islamic village
maidens - God made their equipment more or less the same. It is what the man learns
to do with it that counts. Husbands - it is basically up to you. A Muslim man who has
the intention to create a happy marriage should start, as with all things, in prayer,
submission to God, and deep thought - not to work out his own will, but to discover
the will of his Lord. In fact, the Blessed Prophet recommended that one should always
begin sexual intimacy in an atmosphere of prayer. He (s) said: `If, when you approach
your spouse, you say: "In the name of God! O Lord God, protect me from the devil,
and protect from the devil that which You grant to us", then, if a child is conceived,
the devil shall not harm it.' (Bukhari and Muslim) (The meaning of `not harming it' in
this hadith is that the devil shall not overcome it ... no scholar has held that it is to be
taken at face value to mean that such a child will never experience any harm,
whisperings or temptations from the devil. (Qadi Iyad, Sharh Sahih Muslim.)) Imam
Ghazali further suggests that the lovers should begin with Bismillah and Surat al-
Ikhlas as a way of increasing the blessing of the sex act. And when approaching
orgasm, they should quietly say: `Al-hamdu li'Llah alladhi khalaqa min al-ma'i
basharan.' (`Praised be Allah Who has created human beings out of water.') Doctors
get asked so often how often one should `perform' per week. This can't be answered.
Some people would enjoy intimacy three times a day or more, while others are quite
content with once a fortnight, or even less! It all depends how long your sexual
activity takes, how much pleasure and satisfaction it gives, and so forth. (It is
interesting to note that the caliph Umar reckoned that a woman had the right to sex at
least once every four days, while Imam Abu Talib al-Makki added that `if he knows
that she needs more, he is obliged to comply.' (Zabidi, Ithaf, V 373.)) However, it has
to be said candidly that one reason why men so often feel threatened and dismayed by
female sexual hunger and capacity is not that their women are oversexed at all.
Whenever women are accused of this, you should suspect male selfishness and/or
ignorance! All too often when these men do mate they only gratify themselves and,
having seen to their own needs, do not even attempt to bring the woman to climax.
Therefore the woman remains `hungry' and unfulfilled, and looks for further
opportunity when the man is sated - and thus she gets accused of being oversexed.
This is a pitiful but all too common injustice. In any case, the level of an individual's
sexual appetite, rather like brainpower, is not the choice of the individual but is
largely a matter granted by Allah at His direction. As is well known, the early
Muslims regarded sexual prowess and the ability to satisfy a woman as being an
essential part of manhood. The niece of A'isha, a scholarly and beautiful woman
called A'isha bint Talha, once married the pious Umar ibn Ubaydillah. On their
wedding night he made love to her no fewer than seven times, so that when morning
came, she told him: `You are a perfect Muslim in every way, even in this!' Such
stories are common in our literature. But the only true answer to the question of `how
often' for a dedicated Muslim is whatever is right for you as a couple. It is not
`whatever is right just for you'! You must consider your wife's needs and feelings, just
as you would wish her to consider yours. In the West, this sort of thing is often
investigated before commitment to marriage, the idea being that finding a `good'
sexual partner before marriage will reduce the possibility of disappointment later. But
figures released in 1993 showed that people who had cohabited before marriage were
60% more likely to get divorced than those who had not. In fact, the divorce rate in
secular countries proves that the idea of `testing the waters' does not work at all. In
any case, Muslims cannot approve of this because our Lord has not sanctioned
physical intimacy before marriage. Muslim partners endeavour to get their needs
understood and sorted out as soon as they are able to do so, after marriage. But talking
is sometimes so difficult. Shy women will very rarely say what they really feel on the
subject, either because of natural modesty, or because they fear that their husbands
will interpret their words as criticism. They do not want to upset or to hurt their
spouses, or make them feel small, or a failure. The price the woman sometimes has to
pay for her loving concern for her husband's feelings is a lifetime of `the cat seeing
the meal, but having it snatched away each time she starts to eat.' No man who is
aware of this, and carries on ignoring it, can be considered a complete and good
Muslim. In fact, it is a form of extreme and damaging cruelty. Every man should
appreciate that despite some common myths, it rarely takes less than 15 to 30 minutes
of specific sexual activity to arouse a woman to a level where her physical satisfaction
is in sight. Do not despair - this does not mean that a man has to `perform' for that
length of time: although some women might think it would be very nice if he could,
others would be horrified at the thought. There are other things that a man has to do.
According to Imam al-Ghazali: `When he has come to his orgasm (inzal), he should
wait for his wife until she comes to her orgasm likewise; for her climax may well
come slowly. If he arouses her desire, and then sits back from her, this will hurt her,
and any disparity in their orgasms will certainly produce a sense of estrangement. A
simultaneous orgasm will be the most delightful for her, especially since her husband
will be distracted by his own orgasm from her, and she will not therefore be afflicted
by shyness.' (Ihya, II, 46.) Selfish modern lovers would do well to consider the words
of this great Imam, written nine hundred years ago! But suppose a man cannot help
rushing to his climax so quickly that his wife gets no pleasure from his intimacy at
all? He should not just think about his problem, but take some decisive action. One
rather obvious solution (which nevertheless does not always occur to many men)
might be to come to climax quickly, as usual, then after arousing his wife for twenty
minutes or so while he rests, try again! This would need the wife's consent, for the
first quick climax might be painful for her. He should not worry that he may not be
able to achieve full satisfaction for himself the second time. He may surprise himself
and have no bother at all, or it may be that the unfamiliarity of the sequence prevents
him from achieving full satisfaction at all this time - and he may feel ashamed of
himself or think that he has failed. This is, incidentally, very often the reason why a
man who is not hampered by actual tiredness or lack of opportunity nevertheless does
not attempt anything further than his own instant pleasure. He fears that he may fail;
and does not realise that his wife will not think of his attempt in the same terms!
Never mind if he `fails' or `feels frustrated' this time around -remember his poor wife
probably ended up frustrated every time he approached her, if he always ejaculated
just when she was warming up! Just think about why he is attempting it - it is not in
order to satisfy himself, but just to offer a little more satisfaction to her. Another
suggestion that often helps is that the couple overcome their shyness enough for the
wife to practise the technique of gently squeezing his penis just below its head,
thereby stopping a climax and prolonging the act of intercourse. The same effect will
be achieved if the angle of the penis is altered by gently pushing it down towards his
legs, almost to the point where it becomes uncomfortable. The husband's excitement
can also be reduced by mental effort: he could try thinking about something
completely unconnected with sex. Skilled husbands develop the ability to delay their
orgasm simply by willpower, by telling themselves firmly that it is too early. In fact,
according to Imam al-Zabidi: `Some strong men control themselves so perfectly that
they have their orgasms only when they wish. What can one say about them, other
than "Allah gives what He will to whom He will!"' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 373.) Needless to
say, this rare achievement requires plenty of practice. A life with plenty of spiritual
effort and prayer will help to provide the essential discipline here. There is a
physiological solution which can be used in conjunction with these techniques. This
can be found in traditional Islamic medicine, which prescribes a range of natural
remedies to increase female sexual enjoyment and thus speed up the onset of orgasm.
(See Chishti's Traditional Healer, 285-93.) The most usual popular alternative is for
the husband to bring his wife to climax by caressing. This needs sensitivity and
judgment, for often the wife really is not in the mood, or is in pain, or is too tired for
sex, in which case her husband's normal quick sexual act will be sufficient. Some
inexperienced husbands do not realise that many women cannot reach climax at all
unless the man caresses them. The man has to be able to touch his wife intimately
with his hand. For some women, this is the only way they can reach fulfillment. The
husband (who usually is very well aware that the woman does have a clitoris, even if
he is not quite sure what to do with it!) has to realise that just to press down on it with
some part of his anatomy, like his foot curled around her, or pressure from his knee, is
not enough. Most men usually understand quickly the techniques of stimulating the
female breasts, and especially the nipples, with kisses or with their fingers, an act
which is an effective but supplementary means of helping the wife towards inzal.
Imagine trying to caress her breast with a foot or knee! Exactly the same applies to the
clitoris. It is a much more sensitive area, should be treated with great care, and if it is
caressed properly (a matter worked out by practice and communication with the wife)
it will usually bring the woman to readiness, or to climax, very quickly. Men need to
remember, of course, that if they are caressing their wives in the wrong way or in the
wrong place, it will hurt rather than cause them pleasure. So care, sensitivity,
communication and practice are vital here. While some people may at first dislike
using their fingers, it should be emphasized that there is no Islamic objection to it.
Imam Abu Hanifa was once asked about a husband's touching the private parts of his
wife, and vice versa, and he replied: `There is nothing wrong with that, and I hope
that their reward will be great.' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 331.) Once this is mastered, it is also
worth knowing that most women also have a third very sensitive area (the `G-spot')
inside the vagina - not deep inside, but a few centimeters in on the upper wall. This is
one reason why the size of a man's penis is not particularly important for a woman -
very few experience much sensation in the depths of their vaginas, near the womb.
The G-spot always gives great pleasure if caressed with the fingers, or if the penis is
angled in the right direction. When the wife shuffles about during sex, this may be
because she is trying to get you into the right position for this. To find the G-spot,
insert the forefinger into the vagina and rest the fingertip on the front wall, about two
thirds of the way along the vagina towards the cervix. You should feel a small
configuration of muscles that are able to resist firm but gentle pressure. Finding the
G-spot can greatly enhance the woman's sexual pleasure and enable her to experience
much quicker and more intense orgasms. This could be one reason why the Prophet
(s) defended a man's right to `come to his tilth' from behind, for that position often
gives the woman far more pleasure than face-to-face. But there are many other
positions which have been recommended by the ulema. These include the `scissors',
where the husband and wife are at an angle to each other. Some people enjoy the
`woman on top' position, where she either faces the husband's face and shoulders, or
faces away from him. Any position that enables the husband to touch his wife's
pleasure zone with his fingers at the same time as he is within her will bring her far
more satisfaction - and face-to-face with the woman beneath is the one position where
such caressing becomes very difficult. It should be obvious that people's shapes
should be taken into account in finding the best position. If a man is thin, he probably
cannot even imagine the problems faced by his stouter fellow. The man has to fit
himself comfortably into the shape of his wife's hips in order to connect well. If he is
a large boned man, or inclined to be fat, the straightforward face-to-face position is
not going to be at all satisfactory for either of them, and could actually be painful for
the woman. They should try some of the other ways of coming together. Bear in mind,
too, that if the wife is shy about her breasts, she is going to be very shy indeed about
her even more private areas, and for a man to overcome his feelings and then gently
deal with her shyness is all part of being an intelligent and successful Muslim
husband. As we pointed out earlier, it is obvious that the husband should not leap into
action with full force and expect her instant capitulation if not ecstasy, as is so
frequently depicted in films. X-rated movies, although they show complete nudity and
the sex act in shocking detail, do not actually show real or realistic sex. That would be
boring - remember it takes the average woman more than fifteen minutes to get
anywhere. Remember that the actresses are not 'real life'; they are not portraying the
realities of married life - they are `prostitutes of the eye', whose business is fantasy
and not reality. Women are extremely sensitive and tender, and the husband will only
hurt her and be pushed off, or at best be `tolerated' and not `enjoyed', if he is rough
and abusive. Gently does it! Start in first gear, not fourth. If a husband goes slowly
and with reverence for the Muslim woman he loves, and then increases his fervour, he
will soon be gratified to see her happy response - and what a difference this will make
to the marriage! Some men go through their entire married lives being gross and
clumsy, and never discover that making love is quite a talent. As a result, they have
never enjoyed the experience of making love to a fully aroused woman. When a
woman is fully aroused, she cannot control the exciting movements, known as qabd,
made in her vagina. Some men never find this out - a terrible and needless tragedy.
We saw above that many women need specific caressing by hand to their erogenous
zones to continue right through the entire act of lovemaking if they are to achieve
inzal. This may involve some minor sacrifice and discomfort for the husband, if he
cannot work himself around to some satisfactory position, and especially if he is being
overwhelmed by his own climax. Don't worry! No woman actually expects her man
constantly to be on the lookout for her own gratification all the time, for that would be
just as selfish as the man never thinking about it. This is something that will be
worked out gradually between the couple. A Muslim husband will make it his
business to find out what she likes, and if possible, to carry on doing it rights through
his own climax. The most beautiful and exciting sexual relationship comes when a
couple have practised and know each other so well that they can reach climax at the
same time, even though this takes considerable skill. If for some reason this cannot be
managed, then the man should carry on doing what she likes afterwards, even after his
inzal is complete, until she has caught up. More gratifying for him in many ways is
the technique of bringing her to climax first, before he himself lets go. We have
already seen the importance which Imam al-Ghazali attached to the simultaneous
orgasm, and that `he should not satisfy his need from her before she has fulfilled her
need from him'. But whatever happens, once the husband has reached his climax he
should not just leap away and charge off to the bathroom leaving her in abject despair,
hypertension and shock! To reach climax together is something that takes
considerable practice and expertise, and some couples never achieve it properly in a
lifetime together. However, Imam al-Ghazali was raising a very important point when
he mentioned the wife's shyness if the husband was satisfying her after achieving his
own inzal: it is only natural for the man immediately to lose all interest in sex and
want to go off to sleep, so the poor wife feels that in order to claim her Islamic right
she has to irritate him, and make him impatient with her. Once disturbing thoughts
like these enter her head, it only delays the orgasm even more, and perhaps prevents it
altogether, thereby producing real psychological harm. Hence the very sad but
common situation of wives who are too kind or tactful towards their husbands'
feelings actually faking their orgasms, and then becoming so frustrated that they
indulge in lonely masturbation behind his back. However hard she may try,
disappointment and resentment will be hard to avoid - and these are two of the most
powerful marriage killers in the devil's arsenal. Most married women know only too
well how difficult and embarrassing it can be to try to request physical satisfaction
from a tired husband who has just satisfied himself, and who then instantly turns over
and drops off to sleep, perhaps blithely and ignorantly assuming that what he has just
done has satisfied her. (`We've had sex, haven't we? Aren't you ever satisfied?') Many
wives find themselves totally unable to get their men to understand the true state of
affairs. Many men do not seem to realise that very few wives can achieve any
physical satisfaction from the simple animal act of placing the penis in the vagina
alone. Allah simply did not make them that way. It may be enough for a man, but it is
almost never enough for a woman. It should be obvious that if Allah had simply
intended that that should sum up the sex act, He would not have created the rest of the
female equipment. On its own, the vagina almost never brings satisfaction, unless the
man can hold out for a very long time indeed - which is a rare accomplishment. This
means that if a man is not strong enough to conquer his shyness about touching his
wife, his modesty, far from being a virtue, actually becomes a direct cause of marital
cruelty. Another way of increasing the wife's frustration is for the couple to lose
contact, or for the man to `come out' and be spent outside his wife's body, or for the
man to seek his satisfaction without placing his penis in the wife's vagina at all. This
might be one way of managing contraception, but it is extremely frustrating for the
woman, and is another destroyer of marital enjoyment and harmony. The Blessed
Prophet said it should only be done with the wife's permission. If a man does
deliberately ejaculate outside a woman's vagina (some men enjoy this), he should
realise that this is not full intercourse, and may not grant the wife any satisfaction at
all -even though she has accepted it and is eager to please him! The purpose of Nikah
is lost if the spouses fail to satisfy in each other the natural hungers that Allah has
created. The legal aspect of `coitus interruptus' (withdrawal before ejaculation) in the
revealed law is fairly complex. The Hanbali school reckons that a man does not need
his wife's permission, on the assumption that she does not have the automatic right to
his ejaculation; nevertheless, Ibn Qudama al-Maqdisi, the most 'hardline' of this
school, still maintains that obtaining her permission is preferable for the sake of
amity. The Hanafis reckon that the woman has to give permission, except when times
are very hard so that any children conceived are likely to be in for a miserable
existence, in which case the husband is allowed to use contraception without her
permission. The Maliki school actually allows the wife to demand and receive
monetary compensation as the price of her permission! The Shafi'is hold that the
woman's consent may be sought as a precondition for the marriage contract, after
which she cannot complain. Finally, good adab is also necessary after lovemaking.
This is something that is particularly important for the husband to remember, if he
wishes to have a happy wife. Remember that his basic need is for respect, while hers
is for love. Just as a man would hate to be laughed at for sexual inadequacy, so a
woman hates to be `used' and then set aside without a word of love. The correct
Islamic manners for a husband are to lie with his arms round his wife for some
moments, after checking her happiness, telling her that he loves her, and in his heart
thanking Allah for his happiness and good fortune. Conclusion Once sex has become
a chore and a duty, the marriage is well on its way to being dead. If the man's efforts
actually cause the woman pain or distaste, she will soon avoid any intimacy at all, and
will use any excuse to get out of it. Headaches, weak heart, rheumatism - you name it,
she'll have it. In fact, a real sexual relationship is so good for you it would help to heal
all these conditions, since it is good healthy activity that raises the heart rate and
stimulates the lungs, and takes the mind off disturbing problems and brings spiritual
wholeness, serenity and contentment. The considerate Muslim man soon learns how
to make his wife happy, and in doing so, refuses to get anxious and overwrought
about his own performance. A good Muslim wife will never despise a husband for his
physical equipment or lack of expertise, so long as he is loving and considerate
towards her. And if they married as virgins, there will be no unfavourable
comparisons for either of them to make.! If a good Muslim marriage is to be sadaqa
for the spouses and pleasing in the eyes of God, it is no use one partner seething with
frustration and then finally cracking up. Both of them should try to find gentle ways
of supplying `feedback' to the other - not to be interpreted as criticism, dissatisfaction
or hostility (which is what it becomes if left to ferment for too long), but as the only
way to learn and grow together, as sanctioned and willed for us by Allah. May Allah
forgive this author for raising topics that are sensitive and private, and discussing
them in a way that some might think incorrect and distasteful. But we know that many
Muslims nowadays are asking about these matters, and it is the Sunna to make useful
knowledge known, whatever it might be. Allah ta'ala decreed that creation should be
set up in pairs complementing each other in harmony, and wished only happiness and
peace for us. Therefore, we should all make it our jihad to create happy and fulfilled
marriages, in the sight of Him in Whose `hand' lie our souls. May everything we do
be pleasing to Him, and may He bless us and bring us to fulfillment, serenity and
completion. Ameen. [HUKUM DAN ETIKA MALAM PERTAMA]
------------------------------- <Pertama> Dianjurkan kepada sang suami bersikap lemah
lembut pada malam pertama dengan mengajak bicara sehingga terjadi keakraban atau
menyuguhkan segelas minuman sebagaimana yang dilakukan Rasulullah
Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam. <Kedua> Dianjurkan untuk meletakkan tangan kanan di
atas ubun ubun sang istri kemudian membaca doa yang diajarkan Rasulullah
Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam. "Bismillah Allahumma bariklii fii zaujatii .." <Ketiga>
Dianjurkan kepada sang suami shalat dua raka'at bersama istrinya dan sang istri
berada di belakangnya. Sebab demikian itu lebih melanggengkan kasih sayang.
<Keempat> Jika ingin melakukan hubungan sebadan hendaknya berdoa: "Bismillah,
allahumma jannibnasy syaithaan wa jannibisy syaithaan maa razaqtanaa" <Kelima>
Tidak boleh sang suami menggauli istri kecuali di tempat jalan lahirnya bayi dan
boleh melakukan cumbu rayu sesuka hati namun tidak boleh menggaulinya ketika
masa haid atau nifas. <Keenam> Apabila sang suami memiliki lebih dari satu istri
maka pada pagi hari dari malam pertama hendaknya sang suami mendatangi istri istri
lain dengan tujuan saling mendoakan. <Ketujuh> Diharamkan bagi kedua mempelai
menyebarkan rahasia hubungan seksual karena hal itu termasuk dosa besar. [HAK
HAK SUAMI DAN ISTRI] Diantara hak hak yang harus ditegakkan bersama sama
sebagai berikut: <Pertama> Kerja sama dalam rangka menegakkan ketaatan kepada
Allah, satu dengan yang lain saling mengingatkan kepada nilai ketakwaan. Diantara
contoh yang paling indah adalah kerjasama antara suami dengan istri dalam
menghidupkan qiyamul lail sebagaimana sabda Nabi Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam
(yang artinya) : "Semoga Allah merahmati seorang laki laki yang bangun malam
kemudian shalat dan membangunkan istrinya untuk shalat dan bila tidak mau bangun
maka ia memerciki dengan air di wajahnya. Dan semoga Allah merahmati seorang
perempuan yang bangun malam lalu shalat dan membangunkan suaminya untuk
shalat, bila tidak mau bangun maka ia memerciki dengan air di wajahnya." (HR.
Ahmad, Ahlul Sunan kecuali At Tirmidzi dan hadits ini shahih). <Kedua> Menjalani
kehidupan rumah tangga dengan tulus, ikhlas, setia dan penuh kasih sayang. <Ketiga>
Hendaknya masing masing suami istri merasa memiliki tanggung jawab penuh
terhadap tugas dan kewajiban yang ada di pundaknya. Masing masing harus tahu
bahwa dia dituntut untuk menunaikan kewajiban secara baik dan sempurna
sebagaimana sabda Nabi (yang artinya) "Setiap kalian adalah pemimpiin dan akan
diminta pertanggungjawaban atas kepemimpinannya dan imam adalah pemimpin, dan
orang laki laki adalah pemimpin bagi keluarganya, dan wanita adalah
penanggungjawab atas rumah suami dan anaknya. Dan setiap kalian adalah pemimpin
dan setiap kalian akan diminta pertanggungjawaban atas kepemimpinannya." (HR. Al
Bukhari) <Keempat> Antara suami dan istri harus kerjasama secara baik dalam
rangka mewujudkan suasana tenang dan gembira serta berusaha semaksimal mungkin
menjauhkan perkara perkara yang mendatangkan keburukan dan kesedihan. Betapa
indahnya ucapan Abu Darda' ketika berkata kepada istrinya : "Jika kamu sedang
melihatku dalam keadaan marah maka carilah sesuatu yang bisa menyenangkanku dan
jika aku melihatmu sedang marah maka aku akan mencari sesuatu yang bisa
menyenangkanmu, dan bila tidak seperti itu maka kita tidak usah berkumpul saja".
<Kelima> Tidak menyebarkan rahasia masing masing dan tidak menyebut nyebut
keburukan pasangannya di depan orang lain karena demikian itu melecehkan harga
diri pasangannya di depan orang lain. Ketika itu ia telah melakukan ghibah yang
dibenci lagi berdosa. <Keenam> Hendaknya masing masing memperhatikan gaya dan
penampilan, istri berdandan yang bagus untuk suami dan suami juga berdandan yang
bagus untuk sang istri. Ibnu Abbas berkata : "Saya sangat senang berdandan untuk
istriku sebagaimana saya senang bila ia berdandan untukku, karena Allah
berfirman :'Dan bagi istri istri hak yang sepadan dengan kewajiban kewajibannya
dengan baik'."

zafaf
ZAFAF

Rasulullah (s.a) says: - that one should not stay up at night but for 3 reasons:- 1.
Reciting the Quran and in Prayers 2. In seeking Knowledge 3. For Zafaf He (s.a) also
said that: - You must dress for your wife just as you would like her to dress for you.
Imam Mohammed ul Baqir (a.s) says that: - by Dressing up the reference is to
cleanliness, meaning that both should be clean. On the night of the zafaf (Wedding
night) when the bride and groom enter the room, both should be in the state of wudhu.
The groom's supplication on the wedding night When you marry a woman, you
should say: O Allaah, I ask You for the goodness within her and the goodness that
you have made her inclined towards, and I take refuge with You from the evil within
her and the evil that you have made her inclined towards. Supplication before sexual
intercourse: In the name of Allaah. O Allaah, keep the devil away from us and keep
the devil away form what you have blessed us with. The Prohibition of Sodomy It is
forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus. This is understood from the
verse quoted above (i.e. since a "planting ground" can only refer to a place where
something might grow), and from the narrations cited above. There are also other
hadith on the subject, among them: First: On the authority of Umm Salama who said:
"When the Muhajireen came to Ansaar at al-Madeenah, some of them married women
from the Ansaar. The women of the Muhajireen used to lie on their faces (during
intercourse), while the women of the Ansaar never did it that way. Then, one of the
men of the Muhajireen wanted his wife to do that. She refused until such time as she
could ask the Prophet about it. She went to the Prophet but was embarassed to ask the
question, adn so Umm Salama asked him. Then the verse was revealed which says:
"Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;" [al-
Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet said: "No! (not any way you wish) Except in one
opening! (ie. the vagina)". [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhee and others : Saheeh] Second: On the
authority of Ibn 'Abbaas who said: "'Umar ibn Al-Khattaab came to the Prophet and
said: 'O Messenger of Allaah, I am destroyed!' The Prophet asked: 'And what has
destroyed you, O 'Umar?' 'Umar said: `I turned my mount around last night.' (An
expression which means he has sexual intercourse with his wife penetrating the
vagina while mounting her from the rear.) The Prophet gave him no answer and when
the revelation came and the verse was revealed which says: "Your wives are as a tilth
unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;" [al-Baqarah 2:223] and the
Prophet said: "From the front and from the back, just beware of her anus and her
menses". [an-Nasaa'ee in "`Ishratun-Nisaa" with hasan isnaad, at-Tirmidhee and
others]. Third: On the authority of Khuzaima ibn Thaabit who said: "A man asked the
Prophet about entering women in the rear, or the entering by a man of his wife in her
rear, and the Prohet answered: `Halaal (ie. permissible).' When the man turned to
leave, the Prophet called him or ordered for him to be called back and said : "What
did you say? In which of the 2 openings did you mean? If what you meant was from
her rear and in her vagina, then yes. But if what you meant was from her rear and in
her anus, then no. Verily Allaah is not ashamed of the truth - do not enter your wives
in their anuses!" [as-Shaafi, al-Baihaqi and others: Saheeh] Fourth: "Allaah does not
look at one who comes to his wife in her anus". [an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan isnaad and
supported in "al-'Ishrah"; at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Hibbaan]. Fifth: "Cursed are those
who come to their wives in their anuses." [Aboo Dawood, Ahmad and others with
hasan isnaad and is supported]. Sixth: "Whoever has sexual intercourse with a
mentruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes
what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad ". [Aboo
Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh]. Bathing is preferable Bathing, however,
is preferable to merely making wudhuu' in such situations. Abu Raafi' narrates: "That
the Prophet made the rounds of all his wives one night, bathing in the house of each
one. He (i.e. the narrator) asked the Prophet : "Couldn't you have just bathed once (i.e.
at the end)? The Prophet answered : "This way is purer, cleaner and better". [Aboo
Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee: Hasan in "al-'Ishrah", and others]. Making Wudhuu' between
2 acts with one's wife When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in
the legal manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform
wudhuu', based on the statement of the Prophet : "When one of you comes to his wife
and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu' between the 2 times
(In another version, the same wudhuu' which he performs for prayer) for verily, it will
invigorate his return."[Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others]. Making Tayammum in a
state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu' It is also permissible to make Tayammum
sometimes instead of wudhuu' before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah
in which she said: "When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he
used to make wudhuu' or Tayammum." [Al-Baihaqi: Hasan] Bathing before Sleeping
is Perferable Bathing however, is perferable to any of the above-mentioned
possibilities as is clear in the hadith of `Abullaah ibn Qais who said: "I asked 'Ai'ishah
: "What did the Prophet do when in a state of janaba? Did he bathe before sleeping or
sleep before bathing?" She answered: "He did all of those things. Sometimes he bathe
and then slept. And sometimes he performed wudhuu' and then slept." I said: "Praise
be to Allah who made things flexible.""[Muslim, Ahmad and Abu `Auwaana]. The
Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have
sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating. This is clear in the
following verse of the Qur'an: "They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They
are a hurt and a pollution: So keep away from women in their courses, and do not
approach them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may
approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah
loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure
and clean." [Al-Baqarah, 2:222] There are also hadith about this, among them: First:
"Whoever has sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman, or a woman in her
anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that
which was revealed to Muhammad ." Second: On the authority of Anas ibn Malik,
who said: "When one of their women has their period, the Jews used to put her out of
the house, and they would not eat, drink, or sleep with her in the house. The Prophet
was asked about this, and Allaah revealed the verse: "They ask thee concerning
women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: so keep away from women in
their courses, ... Then the Prophet said: "Be with them in the house, and do everything
except for intercourse itself." The Jews said: "This man wants to leave nothing which
we do without doing something different." Then, Asyad ibn Hudair said: "O
Messenger of Allah, verily the Jews says such-and-such, shoudl we not then have
sexual intercourse during menstruation?" The Prophet's face changed such that they
thought that he was enraged with them, so they left. As they were coming out, they
saw a gift of milk being brought to the Prophet . The Prophet then sent someone after
them to give them a drink of milk, so they felt that he was not actually angry with
them." [Muslim, Abu 'Auwaana and Abu Daawood]. Question : islam teaches us
everthing..as to how to eat , dress, etc...is there also a Sunnah way of sleeping with
one's wife.is any position Sunnah ..or is there nothing in Saheeh Hadith with regard to
this? Answer : Praise be to Allaah. Yes, you are right: Islam teaches us all things and
has brought all good teaching to mankind concerning their livelihood, religion, living
and dying, because it is the religion of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted.
Sexual relations are among the important matters of life which Islam came to explain
and to prescribe proper conduct and rulings which elevate it from the level of mere
bestial pleasure and physical desire. Islam connects it to a righteous intention,
supplications (adhkaar) and proper conduct which lift it up to the level of worship for
which the Muslim will be rewarded. The Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) explains this. Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy
on him) says in his book Zaad al-Maaad: Concerning sexual relations, the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) brought the most perfect guidance,
whereby health may be preserved and people may find pleasure and enjoyment, and it
may fulfil the purpose for which it was created, because sex was created for three
basic purposes: The preservation and propagation of the human race, until they reach
the number of souls that Allaah has decreed should be created in this world.
Expulsion of the water (semen) which may cause harm to the body if it is retained.
Fulfilling physical desires and enjoying physical pleasure. This alone is the feature
that will be present in Paradise, because there will be no producing of offspring there,
and no retention which needs to be relieved by ejaculation. The best doctors suggest
that sex is one of the means of maintaining good health. (al-Tibb al-Nabawi, p. 249).
And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Among its benefits is that it helps to
lower the gaze, brings self-control, enables one to keep away from haraam things, and
achieves all of these things for the woman too. It brings benefit to a man with regard
to this world and the Hereafter, and benefits the woman too. Hence the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to enjoy regular intimate relations with his
wives, and he said, In your world, women and perfume have been made dear to me.
(Narrated by Ahmad, 3/128; al-Nasaai, 7/61; classed as saheeh by al-Haakim). And
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: O young men, whoever
among you can afford it, let him get married, for it helps him to lower his gaze and
protect his chastity. And whoever cannot do that, let him fast, for it will be a
protection for him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/92; Muslim, 1400). (al-Tibb al-
Nabawi, 251). Among the important matters which should be paid attention to when
engaging in intimate relations: Having the sincere intention of doing this thing only
for the sake of Allaah. One should intend to do this to protect oneself and one's wife
from doing haraam things, to increase the numbers of the Muslim ummah so as to
raise its status, for there is honour and pride in large numbers. It should be known that
one will be rewarded for this action, even if he finds immediate pleasure and
enjoyment in it. It was reported from Abu Dharr that the Messenger of Allaah (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: In the sexual intercourse of any one of you
there is reward (meaning, when he has intercourse with his wife). They said, O
Mesenger of Allaah, when any one of us fulfils his desire, will he have a reward for
that? He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Do you not see that if he
were to do it in a haraam manner, he would be punished for that? So if he does it in a
halaal manner, he will be rewarded. (Narrated by Muslim, 720). This is the great
bounty of Allaah towards this Ummah; praise be to Allaah Who has made us among
them. Intercourse should be preceded by kind words, playfulness and kisses. The
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to play with his wives and
kiss them. When a man has intercourse with his wife, he should say: Bismillaah,
Allaahumma jannibnaa al-shaytaan wa jannib al-shaytaan maa razqtanaa (In the name
of Allaah, O Allaah Keep us away from the Shaytaan and keep the Shaytaan away
from what You bestow on us (our children)). The Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If Allaah decrees that they should have a child,
the Shaytaan will never harm him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/187) It is permissible
for the husband to have intercourse with his wife in her vagina in whatever manner he
wishes, from behind or from the front, on the condition that it is in her vagina, which
is the place from which a child is born. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your
wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how
you will [al-Baqarah 2:223]. Jaabir ibn Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him)
said: The Jews used to say that if a man had intercourse with his wife in her vagina
from behind, the child would have a squint. Then this aayah was revealed: Your wives
are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any
manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [al-
Baqarah 2:223]. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said: From the front or from the back, so long as it is in the vagina. (Narrated by
al-Bukhaari, 8/154; Muslim, 4/156). It is not permissible for the husband under any
circumstances whatsoever to have intercourse with his wife in her back passage.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to
your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the
vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will [al-Baqarah 2:223]. It is known
that the place of tilth is the vagina, which is the place from which one hopes for a
child. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: He is cursed
who has intercourse with women in their back passages. (Narrated by Ibn Udayy,
1/211; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 105). This is because it
[anal intercourse] goes against the fitrah [natural inclinations of man] and is an action
which is revolting to those of a sound human nature; it also causes the woman to miss
out on her share of pleasure; and the back passage is a place of filth and dirt and there
are other reasons which confirm the fact that this deed is haraam. For more
information see Question #1103. If a man has intercourse with his wife and wants to
come back to her a second time, he should do wudoo, because the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If any one of you has intercourse with his wife
then wants to repeat it, let him do wudoo between the two (actions), for it is more
energizing for the second time. (Narrated by Muslim, 1/171). This is mustahabb
(recommended), not waajib (obligatory); if he is able to do ghusl between the two
actions, this is better, because of the hadeeth of Abu Raafi who said that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) went around his wives one day and did
ghusl in this ones house and in this ones house. He (Abu Raafi) said: I said to him, O
Messenger of Allaah, why do you not do one ghusl? He said, This is cleaner and
better and purer. (Narrated by Abu Dawood and al-Nasaai, 1/79) One or both of the
spouses have to do ghusl in the following situations: when the two circumcised parts
meet, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When
the circumcised part meets the circumcised part (according to another report: when
the circumcised part touches the circumcised part), ghusl becomes waajib
(obligatory). (Narrated by Ahmad and Muslim, no. 526). This ghusl is obligatory
whether ejaculation takes place or not. The touching of the circumcised parts means
that the glans or tip of the penis penetrates the vagina; it does not mean mere
touching. Emission of semen, even if the two circumcised parts do not touch, because
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, Water is for water [i.e.,
the water of ghusl is necessary when the water of semen is ejaculated]. (Narrated by
Muslim, no. 1/269). Al-Baghawi said in Sharh al-Sunnah (2/9): Ghusl for janaabah
[impurity following sexual discharge] is waajib in either of two cases: when the tip of
the penis enters the vagina, or when gushing water is emitted by either the man or the
woman. For more information on the details of ghusl as prescribed in shareeah, see
Question # 415. It is permissible for the husband and wife to do ghusl together in one
place, even if he sees her and she sees him, because of the hadeeth of Aaishah (may
Allaah be pleased with her) who said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) and I used to do ghusl together from one vessel between me and him; we
would take turns dipping our hands in the vessel and he would take more than me
until I would say, Leave some for me, leave some for me. She said, and they were
both junub (in a state of janaabah). Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim. It is
permissible for a person who has to make ghusl to sleep and delay the ghusl until
before the time of prayer, but it is definitely mustahabb for him to do wudoo before
sleeping, because of the hadeeth of Umar, who said that he asked the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him), Can any one of us sleep when he is junub? The
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Yes, but let him do wudoo
if he wishes. (Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, 232). It is forbidden to have intercourse with
a woman when she is menstruating (having her period), because Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning): They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an
adhaa (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while
she is having her menses), therefore keep away from women during menses and go
not unto them till they have purified (from menses and have taken a bath). And when
they have prufieied themselves, then go in unto them as Allaah has ordained for you
(go in unto them in any manner as long as it is in their vagina). Truly, Allaah loves
those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by
taking a bath and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts, bodies, for their
prayers, etc.). [al-Baqarah 2:222]. The person who has intercourse with his wife
whilst she is menstruating has to give a dinar or half a dinar in charity, as it was
reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) obliged a man
to do when he came and asked him about that. This was reported by the authors of al-
Sunan and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 122. But it is
permissible for the husband to enjoy his menstruating wife without having
intercourse, because of the hadeeth of Aaishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who
said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would tell
one of us, when she was menstruating, to wear a waist-wrapper, then her husband
would lie with her. (Agreed upon). It is permissible for the husband to withdraw (azl)
if he does not want to have a child; by the same token it is permissible for him to use
condoms if his wife gives her permission, because she has the right to pleasure and to
children. The evidence for this is the hadeeth of Jaabir ibn Abd-Allaah (may Allaah
be pleased with him) who said, We used to do azl at the time of the Messenger of
Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). The Messenger of Allaah (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) heard about that, and he did not forbid us.
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/250; Muslim, 4/160). But it is better not to do any of that,
for several reasons, including the fact that it deprives the woman of pleasure or
reduces the pleasure for her; and that it cancels out one of the purposes of marriage,
which is to increase the number of offspring, as mentioned above. It is forbidden for
both spouses to spread the secrets of what happens between them in their private
marital life; indeed, this is one of the most evil things. The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Among the most evil of people before Allaah
on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who comes to his wife and has intercourse
with her, then he spreads her secrets. (Narrated by Muslim, 4/157). It was reported
from Asmaa bint Yazeed that she was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) and men and women were sitting with him, and the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, Would any man say what he did with his wife?
Would any woman tell others what she did with her husband? The people kept quiet
and did not answer. I [Asmaa] said: Yes, by Allaah, O Messenger of Allaah, they
(women) do that, and they (men) do that. He said, Do not do that. It is like a male
devil meeting a female devil in the road and having intercourse with her whilst the
people are watching. (Narrated by Abu Dawood, no. 1/339; classed as saheeh by al-
Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 143). This is what we were able to mention about the
etiquette of sexual relations. Praise be to Allaah Who has guided us to this great
religion with its sublime manners. Praise be to Allaah Who has shown us the best of
this world and the next. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad. When a Muslim
wants to consummate his marriage, a number of things are recommended in the
sunnah: He should treat his bride kindly and gently, like offering her something to
drink and so on, because of the hadeeth narrated by Asmaa bint Yazeed ibn al-Sakan,
who said: I prepared Aaishah as a bride when she married the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). I came to him and invited him to see her
(uncover her face). So he came and sat beside her, and a large cup of milk was
brought to him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) drank some,
then offered it to her, but she lowered her head and felt shy. I rebuked her and said:
Take it from the hand of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). So
she took it and drank a little, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said to her, Give some to your companion (meaning himself). (Reported by
Imaam Ahmad and deemed saheeh by al-Albaani) He should place his hand on his
brides head and pray for her, saying Bismillaah and asking for barakah (blessing),
saying the words reported in the hadeeth narrated by Abdullaah ibn Amr ibn al-Aas,
who said that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When
one of you marries a woman or buys a servant, let him say: Allaahumma inni asaluka
khayraha wa khayra ma jabaltaha alayhi wa aoodhu bika min sharriha wa min sharri
ma jabaltaha alayhi (O Allaah, I ask You for her goodness and the goodness which
You have created in her, and I seek refuge with You from her evil and the evil which
You have created in her). Abu Dawud said that Abu Saeed added: Then let him take
hold of her forelock and pray for blessing from this woman or servant. (Reported by
Abu Dawud in al-Sunan, Kitaab al-Nikaah, Baab fi jaami al-nikaah; classed as hasan
in Saheeh al-Jaami, no. 341) He should pray two rakahs with her, leading her in
prayer, because this is reported as being the practice of the salaf (early generations).
There are two reports concerning this. (i) from Abu Saeed, the freed slave of Abu
Usayd, which states that a group of the Companions of the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught him and told him: When your wife comes in
to you, pray two rakahs and ask Allaah for the goodness of what has come to you, and
seek refuge with Him from its evil. (ii) from Shaqeeq, who said: A man called Abu
Hareez came and said (to Abdullaah ibn Masood, may Allaah be pleased with him): I
have married a young virgin girl, but I am afraid that she may hate me. Abdullaah
said: Love comes from Allaah and hatred comes from Shaytaan, who wants to make
you hate what Allaah has made permissible. When she comes to you, tell her to pray
two rakahs behind you. (These two reports were narrated by Ibn Abi Shaybah; see
Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani). When he wants to consummate the marriage, he
should say the words reported in the hadeeth reported by Ibn Abbaas (may Allaah be
pleased with him and his father) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) who said: When one of you wants to approach (have intercourse with) his
wife, if he says: Bismillahi Allaahumma jannibna al-Shaytaan wa jannib al-Shaytaan
ma razaqtana (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah, protect us from Shaytaan and protect
whatever You give to us from Shaytaan) then if they are given a child, Shaytaan will
not harm it. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath, no. 3271) (For more information, see
Aadaab al-Zafaaf by al-Albaani, p. 91) There is no limit to the number of guests one
can invite to a wedding feast (waleema), so invite whoever you wish of your relatives,
the brides relatives, your friends and anyone you have a good reason to invite. It is not
permitted in Islam to do anything that is haraam such as having music, letting men
and women mix, or letting women dance in front of men, or other things that earn the
wrath of Allaah. How can the blessing of Allaah be exchanged for disobedience and
immorality? At weddings, women can do whatever is allowed in Islam, such as
singing acceptable songs with good words or entertaining themselves by playing the
daff (a certain kind of drum, resembling a tambourine without the rattles) only, so
long as no men are present. Providing the wedding feast (waleema) is the husbands
responsibility. The sunnah is to slaughter one sheep or more for the guests, if he is
able to, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Abd al-
Rahmaan ibn Awf, Give a wedding feast, even if it is only one sheep. (Reported by al-
Bukhaari, al-Fath, no. 2048). We ask Allaah to bless you and your bride and to grant
you a happy marriage. Sexual Problems `The more a woman feels desire, the more
she will be desired.' (Ibn Qutayba, Uyun al-Akhbar) `May Allah grant glory and
eternal salvation to those who know how to stroke a soft cheek in an accomplished
manner, to give a just accolade to a slender waist, and to enter the sweetest farj with a
befitting skill!' (Imam al Suyuti, Kitab al-Idah fi ilm al-nikah) There is a widespread
belief that the sexual problems of society at large do not exist in the Muslim
community - or are at least uncommon. Sadly, the dislocation many Muslim families
have experienced over the past generation or so means that this rosy assessment is
often misplaced. One such problem is that of husbands who are baffled that sex,
which seems very enjoyable to them, does not seem in the least enjoyable to their
wives. They begin to wonder what is wrong with them. Has it been their misfortune to
marry a frigid woman? Or is it that she simply doesn't care for him at all? It all seems
so enigmatic - but then women are a mystery, aren't they? Poor men! The answer
often lies in their own ignorance of women's sexuality - and the answers to their
mystified questions are really so easy! Those sensual decadent American women on
the films do not enjoy sex any more or less than the most chaste of Islamic village
maidens - God made their equipment more or less the same. It is what the man learns
to do with it that counts. Husbands - it is basically up to you. A Muslim man who has
the intention to create a happy marriage should start, as with all things, in prayer,
submission to God, and deep thought - not to work out his own will, but to discover
the will of his Lord. In fact, the Blessed Prophet recommended that one should always
begin sexual intimacy in an atmosphere of prayer. He (s) said: `If, when you approach
your spouse, you say: "In the name of God! O Lord God, protect me from the devil,
and protect from the devil that which You grant to us", then, if a child is conceived,
the devil shall not harm it.' (Bukhari and Muslim) (The meaning of `not harming it' in
this hadith is that the devil shall not overcome it ... no scholar has held that it is to be
taken at face value to mean that such a child will never experience any harm,
whisperings or temptations from the devil. (Qadi Iyad, Sharh Sahih Muslim.)) Imam
Ghazali further suggests that the lovers should begin with Bismillah and Surat al-
Ikhlas as a way of increasing the blessing of the sex act. And when approaching
orgasm, they should quietly say: `Al-hamdu li'Llah alladhi khalaqa min al-ma'i
basharan.' (`Praised be Allah Who has created human beings out of water.') Doctors
get asked so often how often one should `perform' per week. This can't be answered.
Some people would enjoy intimacy three times a day or more, while others are quite
content with once a fortnight, or even less! It all depends how long your sexual
activity takes, how much pleasure and satisfaction it gives, and so forth. (It is
interesting to note that the caliph Umar reckoned that a woman had the right to sex at
least once every four days, while Imam Abu Talib al-Makki added that `if he knows
that she needs more, he is obliged to comply.' (Zabidi, Ithaf, V 373.)) However, it has
to be said candidly that one reason why men so often feel threatened and dismayed by
female sexual hunger and capacity is not that their women are oversexed at all.
Whenever women are accused of this, you should suspect male selfishness and/or
ignorance! All too often when these men do mate they only gratify themselves and,
having seen to their own needs, do not even attempt to bring the woman to climax.
Therefore the woman remains `hungry' and unfulfilled, and looks for further
opportunity when the man is sated - and thus she gets accused of being oversexed.
This is a pitiful but all too common injustice. In any case, the level of an individual's
sexual appetite, rather like brainpower, is not the choice of the individual but is
largely a matter granted by Allah at His direction. As is well known, the early
Muslims regarded sexual prowess and the ability to satisfy a woman as being an
essential part of manhood. The niece of A'isha, a scholarly and beautiful woman
called A'isha bint Talha, once married the pious Umar ibn Ubaydillah. On their
wedding night he made love to her no fewer than seven times, so that when morning
came, she told him: `You are a perfect Muslim in every way, even in this!' Such
stories are common in our literature. But the only true answer to the question of `how
often' for a dedicated Muslim is whatever is right for you as a couple. It is not
`whatever is right just for you'! You must consider your wife's needs and feelings, just
as you would wish her to consider yours. In the West, this sort of thing is often
investigated before commitment to marriage, the idea being that finding a `good'
sexual partner before marriage will reduce the possibility of disappointment later. But
figures released in 1993 showed that people who had cohabited before marriage were
60% more likely to get divorced than those who had not. In fact, the divorce rate in
secular countries proves that the idea of `testing the waters' does not work at all. In
any case, Muslims cannot approve of this because our Lord has not sanctioned
physical intimacy before marriage. Muslim partners endeavour to get their needs
understood and sorted out as soon as they are able to do so, after marriage. But talking
is sometimes so difficult. Shy women will very rarely say what they really feel on the
subject, either because of natural modesty, or because they fear that their husbands
will interpret their words as criticism. They do not want to upset or to hurt their
spouses, or make them feel small, or a failure. The price the woman sometimes has to
pay for her loving concern for her husband's feelings is a lifetime of `the cat seeing
the meal, but having it snatched away each time she starts to eat.' No man who is
aware of this, and carries on ignoring it, can be considered a complete and good
Muslim. In fact, it is a form of extreme and damaging cruelty. Every man should
appreciate that despite some common myths, it rarely takes less than 15 to 30 minutes
of specific sexual activity to arouse a woman to a level where her physical satisfaction
is in sight. Do not despair - this does not mean that a man has to `perform' for that
length of time: although some women might think it would be very nice if he could,
others would be horrified at the thought. There are other things that a man has to do.
According to Imam al-Ghazali: `When he has come to his orgasm (inzal), he should
wait for his wife until she comes to her orgasm likewise; for her climax may well
come slowly. If he arouses her desire, and then sits back from her, this will hurt her,
and any disparity in their orgasms will certainly produce a sense of estrangement. A
simultaneous orgasm will be the most delightful for her, especially since her husband
will be distracted by his own orgasm from her, and she will not therefore be afflicted
by shyness.' (Ihya, II, 46.) Selfish modern lovers would do well to consider the words
of this great Imam, written nine hundred years ago! But suppose a man cannot help
rushing to his climax so quickly that his wife gets no pleasure from his intimacy at
all? He should not just think about his problem, but take some decisive action. One
rather obvious solution (which nevertheless does not always occur to many men)
might be to come to climax quickly, as usual, then after arousing his wife for twenty
minutes or so while he rests, try again! This would need the wife's consent, for the
first quick climax might be painful for her. He should not worry that he may not be
able to achieve full satisfaction for himself the second time. He may surprise himself
and have no bother at all, or it may be that the unfamiliarity of the sequence prevents
him from achieving full satisfaction at all this time - and he may feel ashamed of
himself or think that he has failed. This is, incidentally, very often the reason why a
man who is not hampered by actual tiredness or lack of opportunity nevertheless does
not attempt anything further than his own instant pleasure. He fears that he may fail;
and does not realise that his wife will not think of his attempt in the same terms!
Never mind if he `fails' or `feels frustrated' this time around -remember his poor wife
probably ended up frustrated every time he approached her, if he always ejaculated
just when she was warming up! Just think about why he is attempting it - it is not in
order to satisfy himself, but just to offer a little more satisfaction to her. Another
suggestion that often helps is that the couple overcome their shyness enough for the
wife to practise the technique of gently squeezing his penis just below its head,
thereby stopping a climax and prolonging the act of intercourse. The same effect will
be achieved if the angle of the penis is altered by gently pushing it down towards his
legs, almost to the point where it becomes uncomfortable. The husband's excitement
can also be reduced by mental effort: he could try thinking about something
completely unconnected with sex. Skilled husbands develop the ability to delay their
orgasm simply by willpower, by telling themselves firmly that it is too early. In fact,
according to Imam al-Zabidi: `Some strong men control themselves so perfectly that
they have their orgasms only when they wish. What can one say about them, other
than "Allah gives what He will to whom He will!"' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 373.) Needless to
say, this rare achievement requires plenty of practice. A life with plenty of spiritual
effort and prayer will help to provide the essential discipline here. There is a
physiological solution which can be used in conjunction with these techniques. This
can be found in traditional Islamic medicine, which prescribes a range of natural
remedies to increase female sexual enjoyment and thus speed up the onset of orgasm.
(See Chishti's Traditional Healer, 285-93.) The most usual popular alternative is for
the husband to bring his wife to climax by caressing. This needs sensitivity and
judgment, for often the wife really is not in the mood, or is in pain, or is too tired for
sex, in which case her husband's normal quick sexual act will be sufficient. Some
inexperienced husbands do not realise that many women cannot reach climax at all
unless the man caresses them. The man has to be able to touch his wife intimately
with his hand. For some women, this is the only way they can reach fulfillment. The
husband (who usually is very well aware that the woman does have a clitoris, even if
he is not quite sure what to do with it!) has to realise that just to press down on it with
some part of his anatomy, like his foot curled around her, or pressure from his knee, is
not enough. Most men usually understand quickly the techniques of stimulating the
female breasts, and especially the nipples, with kisses or with their fingers, an act
which is an effective but supplementary means of helping the wife towards inzal.
Imagine trying to caress her breast with a foot or knee! Exactly the same applies to the
clitoris. It is a much more sensitive area, should be treated with great care, and if it is
caressed properly (a matter worked out by practice and communication with the wife)
it will usually bring the woman to readiness, or to climax, very quickly. Men need to
remember, of course, that if they are caressing their wives in the wrong way or in the
wrong place, it will hurt rather than cause them pleasure. So care, sensitivity,
communication and practice are vital here. While some people may at first dislike
using their fingers, it should be emphasized that there is no Islamic objection to it.
Imam Abu Hanifa was once asked about a husband's touching the private parts of his
wife, and vice versa, and he replied: `There is nothing wrong with that, and I hope
that their reward will be great.' (Zabidi, lthaf, V 331.) Once this is mastered, it is also
worth knowing that most women also have a third very sensitive area (the `G-spot')
inside the vagina - not deep inside, but a few centimeters in on the upper wall. This is
one reason why the size of a man's penis is not particularly important for a woman -
very few experience much sensation in the depths of their vaginas, near the womb.
The G-spot always gives great pleasure if caressed with the fingers, or if the penis is
angled in the right direction. When the wife shuffles about during sex, this may be
because she is trying to get you into the right position for this. To find the G-spot,
insert the forefinger into the vagina and rest the fingertip on the front wall, about two
thirds of the way along the vagina towards the cervix. You should feel a small
configuration of muscles that are able to resist firm but gentle pressure. Finding the
G-spot can greatly enhance the woman's sexual pleasure and enable her to experience
much quicker and more intense orgasms. This could be one reason why the Prophet
(s) defended a man's right to `come to his tilth' from behind, for that position often
gives the woman far more pleasure than face-to-face. But there are many other
positions which have been recommended by the ulema. These include the `scissors',
where the husband and wife are at an angle to each other. Some people enjoy the
`woman on top' position, where she either faces the husband's face and shoulders, or
faces away from him. Any position that enables the husband to touch his wife's
pleasure zone with his fingers at the same time as he is within her will bring her far
more satisfaction - and face-to-face with the woman beneath is the one position where
such caressing becomes very difficult. It should be obvious that people's shapes
should be taken into account in finding the best position. If a man is thin, he probably
cannot even imagine the problems faced by his stouter fellow. The man has to fit
himself comfortably into the shape of his wife's hips in order to connect well. If he is
a large boned man, or inclined to be fat, the straightforward face-to-face position is
not going to be at all satisfactory for either of them, and could actually be painful for
the woman. They should try some of the other ways of coming together. Bear in mind,
too, that if the wife is shy about her breasts, she is going to be very shy indeed about
her even more private areas, and for a man to overcome his feelings and then gently
deal with her shyness is all part of being an intelligent and successful Muslim
husband. As we pointed out earlier, it is obvious that the husband should not leap into
action with full force and expect her instant capitulation if not ecstasy, as is so
frequently depicted in films. X-rated movies, although they show complete nudity and
the sex act in shocking detail, do not actually show real or realistic sex. That would be
boring - remember it takes the average woman more than fifteen minutes to get
anywhere. Remember that the actresses are not 'real life'; they are not portraying the
realities of married life - they are `prostitutes of the eye', whose business is fantasy
and not reality. Women are extremely sensitive and tender, and the husband will only
hurt her and be pushed off, or at best be `tolerated' and not `enjoyed', if he is rough
and abusive. Gently does it! Start in first gear, not fourth. If a husband goes slowly
and with reverence for the Muslim woman he loves, and then increases his fervour, he
will soon be gratified to see her happy response - and what a difference this will make
to the marriage! Some men go through their entire married lives being gross and
clumsy, and never discover that making love is quite a talent. As a result, they have
never enjoyed the experience of making love to a fully aroused woman. When a
woman is fully aroused, she cannot control the exciting movements, known as qabd,
made in her vagina. Some men never find this out - a terrible and needless tragedy.
We saw above that many women need specific caressing by hand to their erogenous
zones to continue right through the entire act of lovemaking if they are to achieve
inzal. This may involve some minor sacrifice and discomfort for the husband, if he
cannot work himself around to some satisfactory position, and especially if he is being
overwhelmed by his own climax. Don't worry! No woman actually expects her man
constantly to be on the lookout for her own gratification all the time, for that would be
just as selfish as the man never thinking about it. This is something that will be
worked out gradually between the couple. A Muslim husband will make it his
business to find out what she likes, and if possible, to carry on doing it rights through
his own climax. The most beautiful and exciting sexual relationship comes when a
couple have practised and know each other so well that they can reach climax at the
same time, even though this takes considerable skill. If for some reason this cannot be
managed, then the man should carry on doing what she likes afterwards, even after his
inzal is complete, until she has caught up. More gratifying for him in many ways is
the technique of bringing her to climax first, before he himself lets go. We have
already seen the importance which Imam al-Ghazali attached to the simultaneous
orgasm, and that `he should not satisfy his need from her before she has fulfilled her
need from him'. But whatever happens, once the husband has reached his climax he
should not just leap away and charge off to the bathroom leaving her in abject despair,
hypertension and shock! To reach climax together is something that takes
considerable practice and expertise, and some couples never achieve it properly in a
lifetime together. However, Imam al-Ghazali was raising a very important point when
he mentioned the wife's shyness if the husband was satisfying her after achieving his
own inzal: it is only natural for the man immediately to lose all interest in sex and
want to go off to sleep, so the poor wife feels that in order to claim her Islamic right
she has to irritate him, and make him impatient with her. Once disturbing thoughts
like these enter her head, it only delays the orgasm even more, and perhaps prevents it
altogether, thereby producing real psychological harm. Hence the very sad but
common situation of wives who are too kind or tactful towards their husbands'
feelings actually faking their orgasms, and then becoming so frustrated that they
indulge in lonely masturbation behind his back. However hard she may try,
disappointment and resentment will be hard to avoid - and these are two of the most
powerful marriage killers in the devil's arsenal. Most married women know only too
well how difficult and embarrassing it can be to try to request physical satisfaction
from a tired husband who has just satisfied himself, and who then instantly turns over
and drops off to sleep, perhaps blithely and ignorantly assuming that what he has just
done has satisfied her. (`We've had sex, haven't we? Aren't you ever satisfied?') Many
wives find themselves totally unable to get their men to understand the true state of
affairs. Many men do not seem to realise that very few wives can achieve any
physical satisfaction from the simple animal act of placing the penis in the vagina
alone. Allah simply did not make them that way. It may be enough for a man, but it is
almost never enough for a woman. It should be obvious that if Allah had simply
intended that that should sum up the sex act, He would not have created the rest of the
female equipment. On its own, the vagina almost never brings satisfaction, unless the
man can hold out for a very long time indeed - which is a rare accomplishment. This
means that if a man is not strong enough to conquer his shyness about touching his
wife, his modesty, far from being a virtue, actually becomes a direct cause of marital
cruelty. Another way of increasing the wife's frustration is for the couple to lose
contact, or for the man to `come out' and be spent outside his wife's body, or for the
man to seek his satisfaction without placing his penis in the wife's vagina at all. This
might be one way of managing contraception, but it is extremely frustrating for the
woman, and is another destroyer of marital enjoyment and harmony. The Blessed
Prophet said it should only be done with the wife's permission. If a man does
deliberately ejaculate outside a woman's vagina (some men enjoy this), he should
realise that this is not full intercourse, and may not grant the wife any satisfaction at
all -even though she has accepted it and is eager to please him! The purpose of Nikah
is lost if the spouses fail to satisfy in each other the natural hungers that Allah has
created. The legal aspect of `coitus interruptus' (withdrawal before ejaculation) in the
revealed law is fairly complex. The Hanbali school reckons that a man does not need
his wife's permission, on the assumption that she does not have the automatic right to
his ejaculation; nevertheless, Ibn Qudama al-Maqdisi, the most 'hardline' of this
school, still maintains that obtaining her permission is preferable for the sake of
amity. The Hanafis reckon that the woman has to give permission, except when times
are very hard so that any children conceived are likely to be in for a miserable
existence, in which case the husband is allowed to use contraception without her
permission. The Maliki school actually allows the wife to demand and receive
monetary compensation as the price of her permission! The Shafi'is hold that the
woman's consent may be sought as a precondition for the marriage contract, after
which she cannot complain. Finally, good adab is also necessary after lovemaking.
This is something that is particularly important for the husband to remember, if he
wishes to have a happy wife. Remember that his basic need is for respect, while hers
is for love. Just as a man would hate to be laughed at for sexual inadequacy, so a
woman hates to be `used' and then set aside without a word of love. The correct
Islamic manners for a husband are to lie with his arms round his wife for some
moments, after checking her happiness, telling her that he loves her, and in his heart
thanking Allah for his happiness and good fortune. Conclusion Once sex has become
a chore and a duty, the marriage is well on its way to being dead. If the man's efforts
actually cause the woman pain or distaste, she will soon avoid any intimacy at all, and
will use any excuse to get out of it. Headaches, weak heart, rheumatism - you name it,
she'll have it. In fact, a real sexual relationship is so good for you it would help to heal
all these conditions, since it is good healthy activity that raises the heart rate and
stimulates the lungs, and takes the mind off disturbing problems and brings spiritual
wholeness, serenity and contentment. The considerate Muslim man soon learns how
to make his wife happy, and in doing so, refuses to get anxious and overwrought
about his own performance. A good Muslim wife will never despise a husband for his
physical equipment or lack of expertise, so long as he is loving and considerate
towards her. And if they married as virgins, there will be no unfavourable
comparisons for either of them to make.! If a good Muslim marriage is to be sadaqa
for the spouses and pleasing in the eyes of God, it is no use one partner seething with
frustration and then finally cracking up. Both of them should try to find gentle ways
of supplying `feedback' to the other - not to be interpreted as criticism, dissatisfaction
or hostility (which is what it becomes if left to ferment for too long), but as the only
way to learn and grow together, as sanctioned and willed for us by Allah. May Allah
forgive this author for raising topics that are sensitive and private, and discussing
them in a way that some might think incorrect and distasteful. But we know that many
Muslims nowadays are asking about these matters, and it is the Sunna to make useful
knowledge known, whatever it might be. Allah ta'ala decreed that creation should be
set up in pairs complementing each other in harmony, and wished only happiness and
peace for us. Therefore, we should all make it our jihad to create happy and fulfilled
marriages, in the sight of Him in Whose `hand' lie our souls. May everything we do
be pleasing to Him, and may He bless us and bring us to fulfillment, serenity and
completion. Ameen. [HUKUM DAN ETIKA MALAM PERTAMA]
------------------------------- <Pertama> Dianjurkan kepada sang suami bersikap lemah
lembut pada malam pertama dengan mengajak bicara sehingga terjadi keakraban atau
menyuguhkan segelas minuman sebagaimana yang dilakukan Rasulullah
Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam. <Kedua> Dianjurkan untuk meletakkan tangan kanan di
atas ubun ubun sang istri kemudian membaca doa yang diajarkan Rasulullah
Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam. "Bismillah Allahumma bariklii fii zaujatii .." <Ketiga>
Dianjurkan kepada sang suami shalat dua raka'at bersama istrinya dan sang istri
berada di belakangnya. Sebab demikian itu lebih melanggengkan kasih sayang.
<Keempat> Jika ingin melakukan hubungan sebadan hendaknya berdoa: "Bismillah,
allahumma jannibnasy syaithaan wa jannibisy syaithaan maa razaqtanaa" <Kelima>
Tidak boleh sang suami menggauli istri kecuali di tempat jalan lahirnya bayi dan
boleh melakukan cumbu rayu sesuka hati namun tidak boleh menggaulinya ketika
masa haid atau nifas. <Keenam> Apabila sang suami memiliki lebih dari satu istri
maka pada pagi hari dari malam pertama hendaknya sang suami mendatangi istri istri
lain dengan tujuan saling mendoakan. <Ketujuh> Diharamkan bagi kedua mempelai
menyebarkan rahasia hubungan seksual karena hal itu termasuk dosa besar. [HAK
HAK SUAMI DAN ISTRI] Diantara hak hak yang harus ditegakkan bersama sama
sebagai berikut: <Pertama> Kerja sama dalam rangka menegakkan ketaatan kepada
Allah, satu dengan yang lain saling mengingatkan kepada nilai ketakwaan. Diantara
contoh yang paling indah adalah kerjasama antara suami dengan istri dalam
menghidupkan qiyamul lail sebagaimana sabda Nabi Shallallahu'alaihi wa sallam
(yang artinya) : "Semoga Allah merahmati seorang laki laki yang bangun malam
kemudian shalat dan membangunkan istrinya untuk shalat dan bila tidak mau bangun
maka ia memerciki dengan air di wajahnya. Dan semoga Allah merahmati seorang
perempuan yang bangun malam lalu shalat dan membangunkan suaminya untuk
shalat, bila tidak mau bangun maka ia memerciki dengan air di wajahnya." (HR.
Ahmad, Ahlul Sunan kecuali At Tirmidzi dan hadits ini shahih). <Kedua> Menjalani
kehidupan rumah tangga dengan tulus, ikhlas, setia dan penuh kasih sayang. <Ketiga>
Hendaknya masing masing suami istri merasa memiliki tanggung jawab penuh
terhadap tugas dan kewajiban yang ada di pundaknya. Masing masing harus tahu
bahwa dia dituntut untuk menunaikan kewajiban secara baik dan sempurna
sebagaimana sabda Nabi (yang artinya) "Setiap kalian adalah pemimpiin dan akan
diminta pertanggungjawaban atas kepemimpinannya dan imam adalah pemimpin, dan
orang laki laki adalah pemimpin bagi keluarganya, dan wanita adalah
penanggungjawab atas rumah suami dan anaknya. Dan setiap kalian adalah pemimpin
dan setiap kalian akan diminta pertanggungjawaban atas kepemimpinannya." (HR. Al
Bukhari) <Keempat> Antara suami dan istri harus kerjasama secara baik dalam
rangka mewujudkan suasana tenang dan gembira serta berusaha semaksimal mungkin
menjauhkan perkara perkara yang mendatangkan keburukan dan kesedihan. Betapa
indahnya ucapan Abu Darda' ketika berkata kepada istrinya : "Jika kamu sedang
melihatku dalam keadaan marah maka carilah sesuatu yang bisa menyenangkanku dan
jika aku melihatmu sedang marah maka aku akan mencari sesuatu yang bisa
menyenangkanmu, dan bila tidak seperti itu maka kita tidak usah berkumpul saja".
<Kelima> Tidak menyebarkan rahasia masing masing dan tidak menyebut nyebut
keburukan pasangannya di depan orang lain karena demikian itu melecehkan harga
diri pasangannya di depan orang lain. Ketika itu ia telah melakukan ghibah yang
dibenci lagi berdosa. <Keenam> Hendaknya masing masing memperhatikan gaya dan
penampilan, istri berdandan yang bagus untuk suami dan suami juga berdandan yang
bagus untuk sang istri. Ibnu Abbas berkata : "Saya sangat senang berdandan untuk
istriku sebagaimana saya senang bila ia berdandan untukku, karena Allah
berfirman :'Dan bagi istri istri hak yang sepadan dengan kewajiban kewajibannya
dengan baik'."