Sexual Ethics

An Interfaith Toolkit
from the Earlham BetterTogether Campaign Against Sexual Violence

Many thanks to all the students, staff, alumni, faculty, and community members who participated in the Earlham Better Together campaign by attending events, volunteering, and contributing to this resource. Thank you also to the staff of the Interfaith Youth Core (IFYC), Campus Compact, and Kelly Burk and Trish Eckert from Earlhams Office of Religious Life for their support. Charlotte-Anne Malischewski IFYC Fellow, Earlham College

Whats inside?
I. Introduction II.Why Interfaith? How our Backgrounds Inform Us III.Defining Sexual Ethics IV. Shared Sexual Ethics Guidelines Shared Value of Consent Shared Value of Respect Shared Value of Honesty Shared Value of Equality V. Sexual Violence VI. Difficult Dialogues and Safe Space VII. Lists of Relevant Resources VIII. Space for Notes and Refections

Introduction
Sexual violence is an important issue in our community and, indeed, across the country, and around the world.
Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be a victim of sexual violence in their lifetime. College age women are 4 times more likely to be sexually assaulted. Approximately 73% of rape victims know their assailants.1

An often overlooked collaborative partner is the faith community. Whether it is a church, synagogue, temple, or other place of worship, our religious entity shapes our ethics and behaviors. It is also an area where people might be more likely to divulge information about past experiences, i.e. sexual assaults. - Minnesota Coalition Against Sexual Assault

People are often shaped by their religions, spiritualities, and philosophies when they relate to others. Religious, spiritual, and philosophical communities are often overlooked when it comes to work on sexual violence, but these communities have important roles both in preventing sexual violence and in being of support to victims.

Though sex remains a difficult topic in many communities and a diversity of opinions exist about it, sexual violence is something that people from across faith divides can agree is wrong and must be prevented. This toolkit aims to create a space for people of different backgrounds and beliefs to explore how we understand sex and sexual violence and how we can agree on a set of shared ethical guidelines to help prevent sexual violence.

Source: RAINN

Why Interfaith?
College communities include people with a wide variety of belief-systems, worldviews, traditions, and identities. Some define themselves by their religious identity, some struggle with their religious identity, some define themselves by their philosophies, some struggle with their philosophies, some challenge their religious, spiritual, or religious background, some discover new religions and philosophies, some become agnostic some become more religious, some become more spiritual. Over 150 students, staff, faculty, and community members with a wide variety of religious beliefs, forms of spirituality, and/or different philosophical beliefs, from Earlham and elsewhere in the United States participated in the creation of this resource. The following are some of the Is there a ways they describe themselves: religion, spirituality, Quaker, Buddhist, Taoist, Jewish, and/or Agnostic, Hindu, Catholic, philosophy you would Existentialist, Atheist, Jewish, currently use Humanist, Marxist, Spiritual in describing Agnostic, Christian, Environmentalist, yourself?
Spiritual, Quaker/Atheist, Unitarian Universalist, Not Religious, Muslim, Secular, Feminist, Militant Agnostic, Atheist, Progressive Follower of Christ, Methodist, Non-denominational Christian, Agnostic, Pluralist, Follower of Sufism, Independently Spiritual.

As a college community, we can do more than just tolerate our diversity. We can respect our various religious, spiritual, and philosophical identities and build mutually enriching relationships. We have differences, but we also have shared values. We can work together for the common good.

What does that mean?

Interfaith refers to positive experiences, relationship, or interaction between people from different religious, faith, nonfaith, spiritual, and/or philosophical backgrounds. Sexual Ethics refers conceptions of what is right and wrong that specifically relate to sex, sexuality, and sexual activity. Sexual Violence refers to three categories of violence, according to the US Department of Health and Human Services: (1) use of physical force to compel a person to engage in a sexual act against his or her will, whether or not the act is completed; (2) attempted or completed sex act involving a person who is unable to understand the nature or condition of the act, to decline participation, or to communicate unwillingness to engage in the sexual act, e.g., because of illness, disability, or the influence of alcohol or other drugs, or because of intimidation or pressure; and (3) abusive sexual contact. Shared Values refers to those values that peoples of different religious backgrounds and philosophical perspectives have in common with each other. Safe Space refers to intentional emotional and physical spaces in which basic conditions for dialogue are agreed upon. These conditions include, but are not limited, to respect for identity, confidentiality, genuine listening, and honest participation.

How our Backgrounds Inform Us

People learn about sex in many different ways. Some are taught about it in their religious communities, some are taught about it in their homes, some teach themselves by reading books or browsing the internet, some are taught about it in schools, some learn about it from friends.
My main source of information was health class in my public highschool. - Agnostic Student Buddhism teaches that sex is part of life, and should be treated as sacred. - Buddhist Student I was taught in Sunday school that sex was a sacred act reserved for marriage. It should be be done between two consenting and committed people. - Catholic Student I pretty much learned everything I know about sex from my mom, my friends, and teachers at school. - Agnostic Student, Raised Jewish Treat [partners] with respect as if they are your best friend. In the Holy Quran, it days the wife is a garment for her husband and the husband is a garment for his wife meaning that they should complement each other well. - Muslim Student My background taught me to value myself and to be acutely aware of my comfort zones. - Seeker Student, Raised Quaker Feminism and Quakerism emphasized to me the importance of respect for other peoples bodies and selves. - Quaker Feminist Student

Did your religious, spiritual, or philosophical community teach you about sex? Did you learn about it from your family? Did you learn about it at school? Do you agree or disagree with what you were taught? What do you think now?

Defining Sexual Ethics

Different people can understand sexual ethics differently and many of us change how we view sex throughout our lives. Religious, spiritual, and philosophical communities, our families, friends, and partners, our countries and culture can all influence our sexual ethics and how we understand sex and, as our beliefs change and as we experience life, many of us also change our understanding of sexual ethics throughout our lives.
My belief that sex is a personal choice and that equality is a value to be sought in life mean that I attempt to make my sexual and emotional relations as positive as possible. - Quaker-influences Humanist Alumni I try to build sexual relationships on communication and trust. - Quaker Student I seek to create the most equitable, comfortable relationship between with anyone I with, emotionally and/or sexually. - Independently Spiritual Student My upbringing was heteronormative, [but] I have come to see rigid expectations and silence around sexuality as oppressive and unhealthy. I believe that [...] we should do what feels right, is healthy, and makes us come alive. - Spiritual Student

What assumptions do you make about how certain religions, spiritualities, and philosophies view sex? Are you surprised by any of these perspectives? Keeping in mind that that no one person represents an entire faith or nonfaith group, what have you learned from these perspectives about how different members of your community might view sex?

Can you think of a time when you had to make an ethical decisions about sex? Did you have religious, spiritual, or philosophical beliefs that helped you make your decisions?

My moral code, which Ive formed from intellectual and personal experience influences how I treat significant others/ sexual partners. [It] is, essentially, to be respectful, communicate, be honest, and empathize. - Agnostic Student I believe that people should be treated with respect and compassion, no matter what and that extends to my sex life. - Buddhist Student

My personal philosophical principles teach me to respect my sexual partners and their decisions about consent and what they are comfortable with. Humanist/Agnostic Student, Raised Episcopalian My principles are those of equality. I believe in balanced relationships. Because of this, dialogue is possible, and each person has an equal say. - Secular How do you treat those with Student, Raised Jewish I believe that we are each made in the image of God and that our bodies are sacred. I think sex is an act reserved for marriage, which is why I am waiting until I am married to have sex. - Christian Student

whom you are in a relationship? If you have sexual partners, how do you treat them? Is there a difference?

I strive to treat each person with respect. That means being open and honest about expectations and boundaries beforehand and checking in with the person during sex to make sure that they are enjoying themselves and are not feeling pressured in any way. - Agnostic Alumni

Do you have conversations with your partner(s) about sexual ethics?

Shared Sexual Ethics Guidelines

Though our opinions differ on when, how, and for what purpose sex is appropriate, we share beliefs about how to treat our partners. Some of believe in premarital sex and other dont, some of us see sex as a pleasurable act while others of us see it as a means of reproduction, some of us value contraception and other of us do not. Yet, we can all agree on some fundamental guidelines. In the creation of this toolkit, student of with a wide variety of different religious, spiritual, and philosophic beliefs shared their beliefs about sexual ethics. Despite our religious, spiritual, philosophical, and cultural differences, there were ethical guidelines to which we all agreed. The following are our four basic shared ethical guidelines for sexual encounters: 1. Consent: Sexual contact and activity of all sorts requires verbal consent. If a person is drugged, intoxicated, pressured, or otherwise unable to make a reasoned decision, they cannot give consent. Consent is required even within relationships and marriages. 2. Respect: No matter the level of involvement, experience, of commitment you have with your partner, every person deserves to be respected. We must respect each others and own our bodies, feelings, beliefs, wishes, and comfort levels. 3. Honesty: Your partner deserves your honesty. They deserve, for example, to know the level of involvement and commitment you want from them, any STDs you may have, and any other details that may influence their decision to give consent. 4. Equality: Discrimination whether it be on the basis of gender, age, race, class, religion, or any other categories is unacceptable. Both partners have equal rights and responsibilities with regard to consent, respect, honesty.

Shared Value of Consent

We often hear the word consent, but what does it mean? Here are some of the ways we talk about consent in our lives:
I think the same rule has to apply to one night stands, relationships, and marriage and that rule is: ask for consent. No matter how well or how little you know the person, you cant assume you know what s /he wants. No always means no. - Agnostic Student, Raised Muslim I think sex can be something fun between two people and I dont think it is necessary to wait till marriage, but sex needs to be consensual. - Jewish Student

What do you think consent means? How do you know if there is consent?

I had sex for the first time in high school and I regret that now. I gave consent, because I thought having sex was the only way to prove I was a good girlfriend. I am in a happy and healthy sexual relationship now, but I wish my first experience had been one of love and not one born out of peer pressure. - Humanist Student, Raised Christian I am choosing not to have sex until I get married, but my girlfriend and I still ask each other for consent. Its not just about sexual intercourse. You need consent for anything sexual. - Catholic Student My close friend was recently sexually assaulted and, when she told me her story, I thought about my life and realized I didnt always ask for consent. I often assumed what I as doing was okay without asking. Ever since, I am more careful. I make sure I have verbal consent and that the person I am with isnt drunk. - Agnostic Student I consider the consequences of having sex before I make a decision, then I ask for consent. Atheist Student

1. If your partner says no, thats what they mean. 2. Saying nothing does not mean consent. 3. You cannot guess or assume that consent is given.

Shared Value of Respect

Respect is really important, because it all boils down to that. If you really respect yourself and your partner, then you will be honest with yourself and them, you will treat them as equals, and you will want to ensure everything you do is consensual. - Discussion Group on Sexual Ethics What does respect mean to you in the context of sexual ethics?

Shared Value of Honesty

What does honesty mean to you in the context of sexual ethics?

We all agreed that honesty is important, because without it, there can be no true consent. Honesty leads to trust and creates spaces of comfort. - Discussion Group on Sexual Ethics

Shared Value of Equality

Sexual violence often stems for power dynamics. Its important to recognize a fundamental equality between you and your partner in making decisions so that neither feels pressured to make any unfair concessions. - Discussion Group on Sexual Ethics What does equality mean to you in the context of sexual ethics?

Use this space to write out your own guidelines for ethical sexual encounters. How do consent, respect, honesty, and equality fit with your understanding of sex?

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Earlham Colleges Definitions

Sexual Assault: For the purposes of Earlham Colleges policy and
judicial process, sexual assault is defined as unwanted sexual contact where any gender can be a victim or perpetrator. Sexual assault is sexual contact that does not have a persons consent. It need not, but could, include penetration. It might include unwanted kissing, touching or fondling, touching intimate parts of the body or the clothing covering those body parts. It might also include, but is not limited to, unwanted touching with intimate parts of the body, and attempted unwanted sexual penetration.

Consent: For the purpose of Earlham Colleges policy and judicial

procedures consent is defined as the act of willingly agreeing to engage in specific sexual behavior. Silence or non-communication must never be interpreted as consent and a person in a state of diminished judgement cannot consent. Consent requires that a person is able to freely choose between two options: yes and no. A person is incapable of giving consent if she/he is asleep, unconscious or otherwise unable to communicate. No one who has been threatened or coerced or drugged can consent. A person is usually unable to give consent when she/he is under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs, or is mentally handicapped. A current or prior sexual or dating relationship does not constitute consent. A person can withdraw consent at any time during the course of a sexual encounter. Pursuing sexual contact in any form whatsoever with an unwilling or unconsenting partner is sexual assault. How exactly we know when the person were with is consenting to, or refusing, a sexual advance, can at times be difficult to discern; nevertheless the entire responsibility for correct discernment is upon the person making the sexual advance.

For Earlham Colleges full Sexual Assault police, visit: http://www.earlham.edu/policies/sexual-assault

Difficult Dialogues
Dialogues can be a powerful way of challenging those behaviors that lead to sexual violence and can promote a sense of community for victims of sexual violence. You need not talk specifically about sexual violence to be working to prevent it. Dialogues about positive relationship experiences and practices can also be useful in so far as those involved can be good role models to each other. By engaging people of different religions, spiritualities, and philosophies in difficult dialogues about sexual ethics, you can have can have conversations about shared values. These shared values can offer your community a sense of common purpose in addressing this often difficult and disputed topic.

Safe Space
If you are going to have difficult dialogues in a group, it is important to set safe space guidelines. By setting the tone and some ground rules for your discussion, you can ensure that everyone participating feels safe and comfortable and that you are all intentionally committing yourselves to the dialogue. It can be particularly useful to introduce some safe space guidelines and let the group brainstorm the rest. Some safe space guidelines may include: active listening, confidentiality, judgement suspension, encouragement of questions, respect for different levels of experience and ability to explain, recognition of the value of each persons contribution no mater the length or depth, etc.

Earlham Resources
Office of Religious Life Information about this office can be found at: http:// legacy.earlham.edu/campusministries/ or by calling (765) 983-1413 Health Services Information about this office can be found at: http:// legacy.earlham.edu/~sas/health/ or by calling (765) 983-1328 Counseling Services Information about this office can be found at: http:// legacy.earlham.edu/~sas/health/content/counselingscope.html or by calling (765) 983-1432 Action Against Sexual Violence The AASV website is: https://sites.google.com/a/earlham.edu/ aasv/ and their Positive Sex!uality guide can be read at: http:// legacy.earlham.edu/~aar/A_Guide_to_Positive_Sexuality.pdf The Mens Forum Conveners of the Mens Forum can be reached by contacting the Office of Student Activities for the current conveners names. The Womyns Center The space is located on the 4ht floor of Carpenter Hall. Unless otherwise noted for a specific event, this space is reserved for those who self-identify as female. Not Just Lip Service Conveners of this zine can be reach via e-mail by writing to notjustlipservicezine@gmail.com

National Resources
National Hotlines National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-787-3224) National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-HOPE (4673)) Websites National Organization for Women www.now.org Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN) www.rainn.org Incite! Women of Color Against Violence www.incite-national.org National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) www.ncadv.org National Network to End Domestic Violence http:// www.nnedv.org/ Planned Parenthood www.plannedparenthood.org National Sexual Violence Resource Center www.nsvrc.org Please use these lines to keep track of other important resources that you know about: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________

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Notes and Reflections

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Notes and Reflections

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Notes and Reflections

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This resource is the result of a year long campaign to tackle sexual violence from an interfaith perspective by raising questions about sexual ethics. It is based on contributions of over 150 students, alumni, faculty, staff from Earlham and beyond.
Earlhams Better Together campaign is part of a national campaign led by the Interfaith Youth Core to promote religious pluralism through common action for the common good on college campuses across the United States. Support for Earlhams campaign and the publication of this resource also came from Earlhams Ofce of Religious Life and Indiana Campus Compact.

Reproductions of this resource for educational purposes are encouraged. Please give credit to the Earlham Better Together campaign when reproducing this resource. April 2011.