Spiritual Jokes

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion." I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from? The difference between an expert and a novice is that the novice hesitates before doing anything stupid. Only fools can be certain; it takes wisdom to be confused. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do-it-yourself types. Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside. One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make? God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife." A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old." By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday." It is a tradition in the US for people to make statements through stickers they stick on their car bumpers. Here are a few funny bumper stickers. "My Karma ran over my Dogma!!" "Never drive faster than your angel can fly!!" "I'd rather be in Samadhi" "Out of body. Will be back in 15 minutes!" "Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!" "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" A Few One-liners ... "Meditation - You have the right to remain silent." "Don't just do something, sit there." "Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time." A rabbi is overcome with spiritual ecstasy and runs up to the altar, throwing himself on his knees, crying, "I'm nobody Lord! I'm nobody! Nobody!" 1

The cantor witnesses his state of humility and unity with the One and is so deeply moved, he too runs to altar yelling, "Lord, I'm nobody! I'm nobody, Lord!" The janitor mopping the floor is dumbstruck, and also deeply moved. Filled with piety and a fervent spirit, he drops his mop and also dashes to the altar, proclaiming, "I'm nobody! Oh Lord, hear me, I'm nobody! Nobody!" He prostrates himself beside the rabbi and cantor, repeating this mantrik cry, as the rabbi takes notice, turns to the cantor, and with a gesture, says, "So, look who's nobody." There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady. At the entrance to a temple there was a beggar always asking for alms stretching one hand. One day he stretched both of his hands. A passerby asked him: all these days, you were stretching one hand, why are you stretching two hands today? To which the beggar replied: Prabhu, the business was so good that I opened a branch! Part 1 What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor? "Make me one with everything." Part 2 When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?" The proprietor said, "Change must come from within." Have you heard of the cow who attained liberation (Moksha)? It was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM ! Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth. When the dentist asked him if he wanted Novocain. The yogi said "No. I can transcend dental medication." This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me." All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice. The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?" Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa? A: Because he didn't have any attachments. Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?" The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks." "And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?" "Yes, he is. But he is meditating now." 2

"Meditating? What's that?" "I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!" A priest and bus driver lived together and one day they also together died. They go to St. Peter standing before heaven gate. He allows the bus driver to go to one of the highest heavens but the priest has to wait. He waits for long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that bus driver go to the highest heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?" St. Peter said: "When you were speaking to the people at your church everybody was sleeping, but when that bus driver was driving everybody prayed!" The Swiss, as we all know, tend to be placid people. Some go as far as claiming that we are occasionally somewhat slow. Three Swiss monks of the benediction order were meditating high in the Alps. Suddenly, a beautiful milk cow walked by. The first monk said : "HHHMMM, this is Fritz's cow, I tell you". Half an hour later, the second monk said : " HHHMMM, really that was Kurt's cow. I'm quite sure". An other half hour later, the third Swiss monk stood up and said "I'm going away, I can't stand you guys having an argument around me when I'm trying to meditate".... "I think it would be a good idea." - Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought of Western civilization. Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping. The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping" A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping" A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping." The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!" An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him: You can stay here but we have one important rule - all students observe Mauna or vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years. After practicing for 12 long years Yoga Asanas, Pranayama, Meditation, a lot of Karma Yoga, etc., the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question. He said: "The bed is too hard." He kept going for another 12 years of hard Sadhana and austere discipline and got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good." Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit." His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining." If God is not the answer, what was the question? For the majority of us the most horrible fear is the fear of speaking in front of a public and the second most frightening fear is the fear of death. Does that mean that if we had to do a speech at a funeral we would prefer to be dead ? How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans. How do you make God laugh? Say: "This is mine". What makes God laugh? When a doctor tells his patient: "I cured you" 3