The

Breakup
BIBLE

The Smart Woman’s

Guide to Healing
from a Breakup
or Divorce

Rachel A. Sussman

Three Rivers Press | New York

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 Copyright © 2011 by Rachel Sussman

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press,
an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group,
a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

three rivers press and the Tugboat design are

registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

“Phenomenal Woman” from AND STILL I RISE by

Maya Angelou, copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou.
Used by permission of Random House, Inc.

Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available from the

Library of Congress

ISBN 978-0-307-88509-8
eISBN 978-0-307-88510-4

printed in the united states of america

Book design by Donna Sinisgalli

Illustrations by randomway/Veer
Cover design by Alison Forner

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

First Edition

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 Contents

Introduction xi

PART I

Healing
1. A Room of One’s Own: Finding Comfort in the
Early Stages of Grief 3
2. Creating a Support System 15
3. Nourishing Your Body and Soul 32
4. Navigating the Emotional Roller Coaster 43
5. The Rules of Engagement 69
6. Breakups or Divorces Without Children 87
7. Breakups or Divorces with Children 100

PART II

Understanding
8. Grasping the Root Causes of Your Breakup
or Divorce 119
9. The Most Common Causes of Breakups or
Divorces 134
10. Why We Love Who We Love: Understanding
Your Personal Love Map 162

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 11. My Story 200
12. Letting Go 222

PART III

Transformation
13. Creating the Best Life Ever 247
14. Rebuilding 260
15. Dating Again 289
Conclusion 326

Acknowledgments 329

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 Introduction

I f you have experienced the ending of a romantic relationship,

you are not alone. Every day women all over the world suffer from
debilitating breakups or divorces. In a split second the life you know
evaporates. The pain can feel agonizing, all-encompassing, and eter-
nal. Many describe that the actual breakup and ensuing weeks feel
like an out-of-body experience. I often hear women exclaim, “This
can’t be happening to me!” Along with the suffering comes a roller
coaster of complex feelings: embedded grief, abandonment and fear,
guilt, monstrous rage. I’ve witnessed completely healthy people be-
have insanely when they have been rejected.
Right now you may be thinking that your life will never get bet-
ter and that you can’t live without your ex. I’m here to tell you that
life does get better, and not only can you live without him, but in
time you’ll see that it is even possible to thrive. Thriving can entail
creating an entirely new and healthier life for yourself, including
regaining trust, self-confidence, and love. This book gives you the
evidence to believe that and the tools to make it happen. So please
keep an open mind and allow me to lead you out of your sorrow
and into a much improved state.
Through the process of loving and losing we have the capac-
ity to learn tremendous life lessons. When viewed wisely and with
insight we learn who we are as individuals and as partners. We gain
knowledge about what we did correctly, and when we’re astute, we
learn where we erred. We come away from the experience fuller and
wiser. Although breakups can feel unbearable, we don’t die from
them. The old adage “If it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger”
is definitely true in this circumstance. The most interesting humans

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 xii I n t ro d u cti on

are multifaceted, having experienced pleasure and pain. They have

survived, and so can you.
Many factors inspired me to write this book. Breakups and di-
vorces are one of the biggest reasons that people come to me for
therapy. Over the past several years I have witnessed the demise of
lengthy relationships affecting close friends, relatives, and clients.
I was moved by their suffering, and incredibly inspired by their
strength as they slowly regained their lives and eventually recov-
ered. I too am quite familiar with the unbearable sadness that comes
when a relationship ends. Regrettably, I spent too many years nurs-
ing a continually broken heart after several failed long-term rela-
tionships. I made decisions that weren’t always in my best interest,
that chipped away at my self-esteem, and that kept me in a state of
suspended melancholy. Never once did I stop to evaluate my behav-
ior or see that there were other ways to live my life.
One day a close male friend sat me down and said, “Rachel, you
are such a great girl and have so much to offer. I scratch my head
wondering why you are constantly dating toxic men when so many
nice guys ask you out. I really hope you can figure this out, because
I am worried about you.” I trusted this friend—he was kind and
mature (the type of guy I never would have dated back then) and
we really understood each other. After our talk, I suspected that I
had some issues that needed tending when it came to romance. That
conversation was the catalyst for what eventually would become my
change and growth.
I strongly believe that anyone can alter undesirable feelings and
behaviors and completely turn his or her life around. You simply
need two components: the wish for change and the motivation to do
something about it. Sometimes it takes a crisis to get us to contem-
plate the opportunity for resurrection, and that’s how it happened
for me. I committed to figuring out what was interfering with my
ability to have a successful love connection. I immediately stopped
dating and spent a solid year in counseling, meticulously examining
my entire life to search for answers. As difficult as this work was (and
believe me, it was tough), I trusted that it was a huge chance for me
to come to a place of great understanding, strength, and growth. My

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 Int ro duction xiii

work eventually paid off and I was finally able to connect the dots
and see what had transpired in my earlier life that was driving my
less-than-stellar dating track record. From that moment on, I fully
committed to an entirely new way of dating—and living. I would
not be here today as a happily married woman—and an expert on
breakups and divorces—if I didn’t put in my time to take a revealing
look at myself and pledge to learning new and healthier behaviors.
I am now going to take you on a journey to teach you everything
that I learned plus so much more. I can’t wait to watch your sorrow
turn into spectacular growth, as did mine.
Once I began my initial research for this book, I discovered a few
common themes shared by the women I spoke to:

• They were ready to begin a journey of personal recovery,

and requested the advice, tools, and support needed to
make it happen.
• They wanted an intelligent and realistic resource—such
as a book—for women that deals with both the emotional
havoc caused by the ending of a relationship and how to
recover and move on.
• All were eager to hear tales about other women who had
been through similar situations and recovered.

I seriously pondered these valuable comments. Women were tell-

ing me exactly what they were lacking and what resources they needed
to recover.
I started meeting with women who had been through difficult
breakups or divorces and had survived their ordeals in impressive
ways. I then started sharing their stories with others in earlier stages
of recovery. Upon hearing these narratives, women reported feeling
comforted, validated, and vindicated. One declared, “This is the first
day I’ve felt better in months” after I read her a tale with similarities
to her own.
I had identified the power of shared experience. Just as with
addiction, sexual abuse, or physical illness, when a person who is
suffering hears from someone who has gone through what she’s

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going through and has come out the other side, she feels understood
and encouraged. She feels compassion and validation from a healing
community.
Additionally, I discovered that the healing went full circle—
women were healed by both listening to stories and telling their
stories. This is what you are about to experience with The Breakup
Bible. Using the ancient art of storytelling, I created a community
for you to listen to others who have gone through experiences simi-
lar to your own. This will allow you to feel validated, which will expe-
dite your healing. Please allow yourself time to grieve, be comforted,
and be educated. You’re welcome to become part of this kinship for
as long as you require it.

Our Community
It was of great importance to me to introduce you to a cast of ex-
emplary women who have made their share of mistakes, done their
work, learned their lessons, and fully recovered. All of their stories
are genuine, yet some of their identities and personal facts have been
changed at their request. Although all special in their own ways, just
like you, every woman who appears in this book has something pro-
found to offer. I have learned so much from their stories, their hard-
ships, and their bravery—and I hope you will too. They will tell you
their tales and leave you with anecdotes. I think that you’ll see a bit
of yourself in each one, which will help to validate your own per-
sonal experience. Each woman is at a different stage in the recovery
process—but all of their suffering has ended and they have moved
on. Many proclaim to be leading their best life ever. And one day, so
will you. Please understand that these women are your sisters—they
are neither more nor less extraordinary than you. Some may be a bit
further along in their recovery, but please use that knowledge to mo-
tivate and try not to get frustrated. Remember that every woman’s
recovery runs along a spectrum, and your healing is unique to you.
I have tried to make my community as inclusive as possible.
I spoke with women from varied age groups, ethnicities, socio-
economic backgrounds, and sexual preferences. Some have children,

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 Int ro duction xv

and others are childless. I have discussed breakups with women who
were left by their significant others, and those who did the breaking
up themselves. There is a myth floating around that those who are
left experience more pain than those who leave. This is a complete
untruth. Please keep in mind that endings affect us all in profoundly
different ways.
Some of you have lived through the catastrophe of infidelity,
while others have gone outside of your relationship as a remedy for
the alienation you have endured from being with the wrong partner.
If you discovered your partner’s infidelity, that reality is agonizing. If
you desperately wanted to save your relationship and your ex had no
interest in that plan, that rejection is awful. But it is equally horrid
to live day by day in a relationship where you feel misunderstood,
controlled, abused, or lonely, and you are petrified of letting go out
of fear or the thought of causing irrevocable harm to your ex or
your innocent children. Whether you have been abandoned by your
lover or were the one who ended your relationship—we are all in
this together. No woman’s suffering is worse than the next one’s, it
is just different. It is not for any one of us to judge who has it harder
or easier, because it is all messy and difficult. We are a sisterhood
here—everyone is invited to read, learn, share, and participate.
All that matters is that you are doing the work and giving your-
self hugs and accolades along that way. Just the fact that you are
reading this book proves so much. If you are determined to recover,
rest assured, you will.

How to Read This Book

The Breakup Bible is divided into three sections: healing, under-
standing, and transformation—my unique and proven method for
recovery. In the healing phase I will explain that proper healing is a
marathon, not a sprint. I’ll encourage you to be patient with your-
self, to care for your body and soul, to build a cohesive support sys-
tem, and to navigate your emotions. Understanding is a crucial phase
that is typically omitted or minimized in books on this topic. In
this phase we will explore and eventually uncover the psychological

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 x vi I n t ro d u cti on

ramifications of your relationship choices, patterns, and ultimately,

your breakup. Doing this work and “owning” the implications of
what you discover is the only closure you will ever need! Under-
standing also introduces you to many new concepts including the
creation of a “Personal Love Map.” Your Personal Love Map was
formed the moment you were born. Deciphering your map reveals
why you chose your lover, how you behaved in the relationship, and
how you mourned your loss. With your emotions in check, and a
full understanding of your breakup under your belt, you are ready
to be launched into your new life. This is the premise behind the
transformation phase.
In each chapter, I will give you important information and use-
ful tools that will allow you to experience your breakup and the
more challenging aspects of your recovery in healthy and produc-
tive ways. Each chapter builds upon the preceding one. At the end
of each chapter, I offer a review list that can easily be called upon
whenever you need a refresher course. Feel free to read each chapter
or favorite sections over and over again. It may also be helpful for
you to read with some sticky notes, markers, or a notebook/journal
next to you. This book is designed to be a focused and interactive
solution—I want you to dig deep, question yourself, and take notes.
If you take your time, keep an open mind, do the reading and
exercises, and follow the plan, you will recover. You will also emerge
armed with new insight and confidence, which will enable you to
make better and healthier choices in the future. This book is about
hope. You will heal. You will survive. You will thrive and move on to
live your best life yet.

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