Lessons from The Bachelor During the first five seasons of the highly-rated ABC television series, The

Bachelor, Alex Michel, Aaron Buerge, Andrew Firestone, Bob Guiney, and Jesse Palmer were each the object of attention of 25 eligible women. Going into the series, each mans stated expectation was to find a potential spouse. Two of the men, Aaron and Andrew, proposed to their final choice. Yet all five relationships ultimately ended, and all of the men, except Bob Guiney, are still single. Why did the Bachelor men strike out in love? Although the TV programs perspective is secular, the response of the bachelors reveals a great deal about why single Christian men and women are, tragically, often failing to get together to develop strong relationships that produce strong Christian families. On the show, the bachelors, who almost certainly had not enjoyed so many romantic options in the past, suddenly experienced a wealth of attention first from the 25 attractive women on the show and then from scores of women they would meet later as they traveled the country to promote the show following the conclusion of its taping. Several of the women on the show stated that their relationships ended, because it was difficult to get the bachelors to focus on them when they were receiving so much attention from other women. Similarly, when Christian men enjoy the attention of more than one woman, they may tend to focus more on what they MIGHT lose by choosing one fine lady, rather than what they have to gain by settling down and building a Godly family. Relationship Surfing? To better explain this problem, picture someone sitting in front of the television. In the 1960s, a couch potato armed with a rabbit-ear antenna able to receive five or six TV channels would predictably grumble about the lack of programming. He would be delighted to occasionally stumble across something worth watching, and he probably would be fairly satisfied, given the modest expectations he had for broadcast TV fare in the first place. Give that same viewer a 200-channel direct satellite system, however, and you create a real mess. Most of us know at least one person who flips ceaselessly from channel to channel, never really settling on watching one program for any length of time. After all, to choose one channel means to forgo all the others. The chance of missing that one perfect viewing experienceamong so many channelsis simply just too high. Todays couch potato often makes himself miserable with endless channel surfing. Economists have a name for this dilemma: opportunity cost. Opportunity cost is the notion that any decision you make has a cost, specifically, the cost of giving up the OTHER options YOU could have gained, had you delayed your decision just a little bit longer.

When you live in a world that markets endless options and parades this as freedom, opportunity cost becomes a big problem. Based on my observations, it is also a problem for singles in the church. Misled by the world, many Christian singles confuse the experience of dating and companionship with Gods purpose for their lives: marriage, procreation, and fatherhood. This relationship is good, they may tend to think, but Im sure something else better is out there. Or, Im not quite led to commit right now and I can probably find another relationship just as good as this one. When relationship surfers date, little issues (e.g., small age differences, minor personal preferences) become things that break off relationships, rather than key issues like character, relational compatibility, and spiritual compatibility. Relationship surfers often dont take the effort to get beyond superficial connections and make relationships successful and are thus easily bored. Relationship surfers think they can always find a better, more desirable relationship. Additionally, relationship surfers think they can just bounce around from relationship to relationship until they reach a certain age and then settle down with whomever is there at the moment (without thinking whether that person of the moment will have the qualities for a lifetime relationship). Because their relationships easily self-destruct, these singles thwart their chances for happiness. Other people relationship surf out of desperation. For example, I know a Christian woman who, desperately attempting to find someone to marry, has dated 15 men in the past 11 months. She is addicted to male attention, so she goes from one guy to the next, hoping to find a relationship that will stick. She does not even have baseline criteria (i.e., is he a stable Christian) for her dates. She often goes out with clearly incompatible men who soon dump her. Regardless of the motivation, one thing relationship surfers have in common is they have not defined what they truly value in another person or a relationship. Also, many relationship surfers are looking to other people, instead of God, to fill the emotional and spiritual holes in their lives. Thus, they go from relationship to relationship in the hope that something awesome will hit them over the head at some point. There is too much relationship surfing going on among Christians today to facilitate creating Christian marriages. See Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; Proverbs 12:4; Proverbs 18:22; Genesis 2:18; Psalm 78:5-7. Relationships simply cannot be exchanged at will one for another. The world, of course, says otherwise. One of my concerns is that church programs fester surfing attitudes among men, because singles programs and events usually attract a larger pool of eligible, single women than men. I know of one church that actually encourages men to attend by pointing them to the large pool of attractive, single women at the church. The church also quietly discourages unattractive women, particularly women who are overweight, from being involved in the singles ministry. For example, one overweight woman who wanted to sit in the front at singles meetings was asked by church leadership to sit in the

2004 Betty Patten, Alive in Jesus Ministries

back of the room. When the male-female ratio is imbalanced, men may think, Well, if this relationship does not work out, I can just find another woman. Alternatively, men may be content to just surf the pool of women, having superficial friendships with many women without attempting to develop a committed relationship with any one woman. For example, one pastor I know, an attractive bachelor in his early 30s, received the attention of virtually every bachelorette in his church. At social events, women would surround him, vying for his attention. This pastor told me that he was not interested in settling down into a relationship with one woman, because he enjoyed getting to know many women on a friendly basis through church activities. While he is a fine pastor, lets just say that all the attention didnt help him become more marriage minded. Like our satellite-enabled couch potato, the experience of receiving the attention of multiple women distracted even this pastor from what would have left him ultimately more satisfied. A bachelor friend of my husbands recently told him, Id like to have a family. Ive let a lot of good women get away. And I dont know why. An attractive and successful professional man who has just turned 40 and is not saved, my husbands friend professes to desire a family and is regularly dating one woman. This doesnt keep him from casting his eye toward other women, however, and even expressing his interest in meeting them. Before you dismiss him as a cad, consider that he sincerely and openly regrets that he has let so many fine women pass him byas if he senses hes missing something, but sadly cant figure out why. It remains to be seen which of the impulses relationship surfing versus fatherhoodwill ultimately win out in his life. I believe these examples are all too common in our endless choices society. Remember when 31 flavors of ice cream used to seem like a lot? Now it seems quaint. A Biblical Perspective In a society where experiential opportunity for oneself is elevated to the point of idolatry, relationship surfing is a dangerous waltz with covetousness. Someone else, or the IDEA that there MIGHT BE someone else out there, always looks better. Even sculpted by the perfect hands of Jehovah, Eve could not be a helper to Adam if he were secretly eyeing 25 other Eves patiently standing in line. The problem with these attitudes is that Gods ideal for male-female relationships involves commitment. See Eccl. 4:9-12. God values relationships and marriage. We know from Proverbs 18:22: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. The clear implication of this passage is that God has a desire to nurture Christian relationships leading to marriage. Indeed, one of the goals of Christian society is to establish families where Gods Word is passed from parents to children, who, in turn, will declare the Word to their children. See Psalm 78:5-7. Jesus spoke several times on marriage and divorce. See, e.g., Matthew 19:1-12, Mark 10:1-12. Many of Jesuss teachings involve how we are to relate to one

2004 Betty Patten, Alive in Jesus Ministries

another. See, e.g., Matthew 6:38-42 (go the second mile); Matthew 6:43-48 (love your enemies); Matthew 7:1-6 (do not judge others). Relationships are not a commodity to be chewed up and then thrown in the garbage. Jesus went to the cross, because He was ready to give up His life for the elect right then. Jesus did not wait for a little better us to come along first. How can we be single-minded toward God, when we are double-minded in our approach to committed relationships? It is to risk being lukewarm to God. See Revelation 3:16 (Because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of my mouth.). Rather, everything we have is a gift from the Lord. Ephesians 1:3. When we have received something, such as a relationship, we should treat it as a very special gift. Gods gifts are always, in a spiritual sense, perfect and good; they are not disposable. James 1:17. God warns us to be faithful with what we have received, lest it be taken away. Consider Matthew 25:14-30, the parable of the talents. Instead of focusing on what is good for us personally, we need to seek the Lord for His will and guidance about the relationship. For in Gods plan we find a special sense of purpose that flows only from that most ominous word to some singles, commitment. The Churchs Role Relationship surfing is only one issue facing singles ministries. Todays Christian singles confront a whole host of relationship traps (some of which affect more men than women, others trap more women than men) that can hinder the formation of healthy relationships leading to marriage. In a report on secular college women and dating, the Institute for American Values writes: One of the historical features of courtship was that parents and other older adults were actively involved in overseeing and guiding the social lives of their daughters and the young men who expressed interest in them. Throughout history the mating of young adults has rarely if ever occurred in a vacuum, but instead has taken place in a thick nexus of social relations that included older adults who helped to influence young people toward good marital choices. Yet today, it appears that older adults, including college administrators and social leaders who have access to the young through education, media, health professions, and more, seem largely to have withdrawn from this role. Indeed, while this generation of older adults is willing to pass on information in the interest of protecting young peoples physical health, it is largely and curiously silent when it comes to the deeper questions of love, commitment, and marriage.

2004 Betty Patten, Alive in Jesus Ministries

Norval Glenn and Elizabeth Marquardt, Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Hoping for Mr. Right: College Women on Dating and Mating Today 59 (Institute for American Values 2001). The Institute calls this disappearance of adult participation in, or even awareness of, how todays young people find and marry one another a major social problem that should end. Id. at 68. Likewise, it is easy for churches to do nothing and abdicate their responsibilities toward singles in understanding the meaning of love, commitment, and marriage. Yet churches must not be complacent about these issues. So how to begin changing the current dynamics and discourage the practice of relationship surfing, at least among Christians? Even given the churchs understandable desire to leave matchmaking in the hands of God, ministries to singles must avoid facilitating experiential libertyunbridled choiceover Gods purpose. Instead of sitting passively by, I believe that churches must actively minister to men and women to help them understand the purpose of relationships and the reward that follows from commitment and obedience to Gods plan. Specifically, churches should: (a) be careful about scheduling unstructured social events that encourage relationship surfing; (b) through role-playing, team exercises, and workshops, help singles understand the dangers of the worlds siren song calling them to endless choices and calling them to choices based on superficial criteria, such as looks, rather than Godly character; (c) help men and women realize that relationships founded on the Rock of Christ are a scarce treasure to be cherished and prized, not treated as an easily tradable commodity; (d) help singles define their values and expectations for relationships according to scripture; and (e) help the future parents of society mature, even in the face of societys commercial agenda that would keep them flipping the relationship channels forever. Many ministry leaders are making a sincere effort to improve the level of guidance and encouragement they provide singles and young adults. More, however, must be done. Hollywood tells us you need a perfect person before you can settle down and get married. Even Christians expect to have the perfect Christian relationship with the perfect Christian. Instead of focusing on the great gifts we have in our relationships, we are quick to judge others, because they do not meet our expectations, and we move on in an attempt to find other, presumably better, relationships. We must not idolize people or relationships. Rather, let us realize that we are all sinners who need forgiveness and that all relationships we have are with other sinners whom God also seeks to forgive. We must move forward together under Gods grace to heal and help sanctify one another. Moreover, we must renew our commitment to encourage one another to cherish godly relationships, and to behave responsibly in them.

2004 Betty Patten, Alive in Jesus Ministries

This fall, in the sixth season of The Bachelor, professional bass fisherman Byron Velvick was the first bachelor required to either propose to the woman he selected or walk away and never see her again. At the end of the series, Byron proposed to Mary Delgado. Time will tell whether Byron can overcome the problems his predecessors have faced and develop a lasting relationship with Mary. Time will also tell whether todays Christian singles can stop following worldly models of relationship surfing and develop lasting relationships. Let us pray that this is the case. Betty Patten is an attorney, writer, and speaker who has been actively involved in Christian ministries around the country for over 15 years. She is an honors graduate of Harvard Law School. For more information, visit www.aliveinjesus.org. 2004 Betty Patten, Alive in Jesus Ministries
Originally Published in Strategic Adult Ministries Journal (Issue 159, July 2005)

2004 Betty Patten, Alive in Jesus Ministries