Monday, January 15, 2001 I LOVE MOVIES!

(Bully) I sat through the new Larry Clark movie BULLY the other night. Bully for me. Larry Clark is that perv who directed KIDS and some other movie I never saw because it had Melanie Griffith in it. (I gave up on her around the movie where she went undercover as a Hassidic Jew.) Some dudes called me up and asked if I wanted to go see BULLY. I had heard it was really fucked up kids, or actors who are very kid-like, doing messed up things like raping and killing and playing video games - so I said, "Okay, it's Saturday night, why not?" I'll tell you why not: the movie is really fucking creepy. If you wanna see young Hollywood - Brad Renfro, always a few steps ahead of the law; Rachel Miner, who married the HOME ALONE kid, a union that is most certainly built to last; Nick Stahl, who was probably scarred for life after being directed by Mel Gibson in the acne-d drama THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE; and Bijou Phillips, who can always be counted on to annoy with her squeaky voice and delight with her penchant for getting naked - hanging out in Broward County Florida ("the real south") portraying doped-up high school dropouts with nothing better to do than rape and kill each other, then you should check it out. And go alone. And wear something on your pee pee so you don't make a mess in the fancy art house. Side bar: At the arty-farty cinema where I saw this master(bation)piece, the popcorn girl noticed my storebought bottle of Evian and implored, "Next time, hide that when you bring it in and throw it out when you're finished." Then, as I sat through several commercials and the most boring collection of trailers ever, I said to myself, "there won't be a next time." Good story. Now back to BULLY Clark, who gave himself a delightful Hitchcock-esque cameo as a scary-looking Dad who stands around swinging a baseball bat, is actually pretty good with the actors, but his camera tends to linger a little too long on the bodies of his nubile cast. The story, which is basically "hey, let's kill the bully" (whatever happened to "let's put on a show"?), doesn't really kick in for forty-five slow, peep show minutes of young peeps getting high, getting it on and punching each other. Disturbing? Yes. Funny? Also yes, in a dark, RIVER'S EDGE-did-it-better sort of way. But more disturbing than BULLY were the people who paid to see it. Sitting in the row behind me was a fellow who decided to kick off his shoes and put his bare feet up on the seat next to me. Cla-assy! And during the end credits - which I always sit through in case something hilarious happens, like Ferris Bueller looking straight into camera and telling us to go home - some guy in the audience starts yelling "Watch your ass!" over and over again. Then he starts wondering loudly if he dropped his cell phone. Out in the lobby, I recognized that man as none other than Supporting Actor Oscar nominee Michael Learner. He was so great in BARTON FINK but apparently he now spends his time being so grating in Los Angeles movie theaters. Also in the lobby, I threw my Evian bottle on the floor.

Sunday, November 11, 2001 I LOVE MOVIES! (Out Cold) Before seeing the hilarious new snowboarding romp OUT COLD, I recommend that you eat a big meal, because you are going to shit yourself laughing! And there's nothing worse than shitting yourself when there isn't any shit lined up in the ol' poopline. Seriously, it's a good thing I loaded up on nachos and corn before the movie because I shit myself at least seven times. I shit myself when the dumb snowboarder (Derek Hamilton) was asked to fill a sample cup for a drug test, and he handed it back with a big turd in it! I shit myself when the drunk snowboarder (Zach Gala Galifa Galfick eh, fuck it!) passed out and his buddies took his pants off and left him in the snow to die but instead a polar bear came along and woke him up by licking his balls! I shit myself when the same snowboarder tried to make love to a jacuzzi bubble hole and ended up getting his dick caught. I shit myself when the black snowboarder (Flex) is in bed with a woman who farts and then he goes "no you didn't!" I shit myself when Lee Majors (!) showed up as the bad guy and called a timid little gay dude "retard." I shit myself when Lee Majors called the little gay dude "retard" again. And I shit myself when they showed outtakes at the end. I was glad they didn't show too many funny ones, because I was this close (I'm holding my thumb and forefinger approximately half an inch apart) to running out of shit. Directed by the Malloys-Watch your back, Coen and Hughes Brothers, there's a new pair of talented siblings in town! *OUT COLD is a shit storm of entertainment that will leave you shitless.

Thursday, December 20, 2001 I LOVE MOVIES! (Vanilla Sky) VANILLA SKY sucks. That would've been my entire review, but fancy film critic Roger Ebert, and fancy movie star Tom Cruise, and fancy writer/director Cameron Crowe, insist that it needs to be seen twice in order to be fully understood and appreciated. So I saw VANILLA SKY again. And guess what? It still sucks! The acting is still bad, the story is still stupid, and did I mention the bad acting? Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno,

come up with your own example, smart-ass. Penelope Cruz should only be in still pictures. Or silent porn. The English language is not her friend. She couldn't make the sentence "I want a sandwich" sound convincing if she were dying in the middle of the Sahara and a vendor wandered by with a cooler full of sandwiches. Cameron Diaz should only be in CHARLIE'S ANGELS movies. She should save the "stretching" for after spin class or Tae Bo or Krav Maga or whatever it is that keeps that ass so 12-year-oldboy-like. I can't wait to watch her shake that rump in CHARLIES ANGELS 2 (if only there was a way to get Drew Barrymore out of that picture). Because of the scientific laws that cause diminished returns, Jason Lee should never act in another film directed by Cameron Crowe (or Kevin Smith, for that matter). Cameron Crowe should go back to making semi-autobiographical stories about people who say clever things, and let foreign filmmakers create movies about dreams and dying and existential bullshit like that. Sir Paul McCartney should stop writing movie theme songs. He had me and lost me at LIVE AND LET DIE. And I should trust my initial opinion. Well, I'm off to see OUT COLD again, because I hear it's even funnier when you've seen VANILLA SKY twice.

Monday, February 25, 2002 I LOVE MOVIES! (At a Theatre Near Me) AMELIE - She's as cute as a button. I hate buttons. BLACK HAWK DOWN - The most realistic depiction of a horrible, fucked up situation since TROOP BEVERLY HILLS. COLLATERAL DAMAGE - Worth checking out just to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger attempt to pronounce the word "collateral." CROSSROADS - In real life, Britney Spears has a giant black bodyguard. I wish I had a giant black bodyguard. DRAGONFLY -- Isn't it a little soon for a remake of THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES? I mean, I'm just not ready to laugh about that yet. GOSFORD PARK - Is boring in the dark. HART'S WAR - Probably one of the best World War II movies I will never see. I AM SAM - Retarded. QUEEN OF THE DAMNED -- The release of Aaliyah's final movie is bittersweet. Bitter because it sucks, and sweet because there won't be a sequel. ROLLERBALL - Geniuses at MGM have discovered a way to remake a crappy movie and make it even crappier. Hooray for science!

Saturday, April 20, 2002 I LOVE MOVIES! (April 2002) THE SCORPION KING - If you loved THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS, then you're an idiot. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTIAL - In the revised 20th anniversary edition, he still doesnt die. ICE AGE - The funniest part was when I went up to the boxoffice and asked for a ticket to ICE AIDS. PANIC ROOM - In my house the shitter is called "the panic room," and the panic room is called "the den." STOLEN SUMMER -- Can an Irish boy convert his dying Jewish friend to Catholicism before he dies from leukemia? No. THE TIME MACHINE - The Morlocks look kinda like Joni Mitchell, and that's all I have to say on the matter.

Friday, May 17, 2002 I LOVE MOVIES! (May 2002) STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES - This "movie" shows that anyone who is a whiny pussy as a kid can grow up to be a genocidal maniac like Darth Vader or a vicious bounty hunter like Boba Fett. SPIDER-MAN - Fans of the comic book are upset that the filmmakers chose to depict Spider-Man's web shooter as organic instead of as a device created by his alter ego Peter Parker. Fucking Nerds! ABOUT A BOY - I didnt want it to start! LAGAAN: ONCE UPON A TIME IN INDIA - The second greatest four hour indian musical about a cricket match that I have ever seen. The best? SORORITY BOYS. HOLLYWOOD ENDING - The Woodman has done it again! (Made another steaming pile of shit.)

Saturday, June 15, 2002 I LOVE MOVIES! (June 2003)

SCOOBY DOO - Its difficult for me to be impartial because that talentless prick Freddie Prinze Jr. is banging my future bride. DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD - This is the film that shouldve been called CLOCKSTOPPERS. BAD COMPANY - Rumor has it that Donald Rumsfeld knew this movie was being made, couldve prevented it, and didnt. THE SUM OF ALL FEARS - I already sat through the Ben Affleck/Samuel L. Jackson movie and the Morgan Freeman/Ashley Judd movie this year, so this Ben Affleck/Morgan Freeman movie can just fuck off. INSOMNIA - "INSOMNIA is a hair-raising, suspender-snapping, cardiac-arrest-causing, 'is the caller there'asking, multiple failed marriages-having, cradle-robbing, any movie starring former guests-loving thriller, just like me!" -Larry King

Tuesday, August 20, 2002 I LOVE MOVIES! (August 2002)

FULL FRONTAL - it's quite innovative to put a piece of shit movie within a piece of shit movie. XXX - zzz SIGNS - It's the most fun youll have taking a nap this summer!

Sunday, November 17, 2002 I LOVE MOVIES! (Oct/Nov 2002) SWEET HOME ALABAMA - Im going to wait a few months, rent the video, and then forget to watch it. RED DRAGON - Full of suspenseful twists and turns, if you've never seen MANHUNTER and you're a moron. BELOW - If you see only one haunted nautical vessel movie this fall, make it GHOST SHIP. GHOST SHIP - If you see only one haunted nautical vessel movie this fall, make it BELOW.

Monday, December 02, 2002 I REALLY DO LOVE MOVIES! (Dec 2, 2002) The following is intended for every a-hole who has confronted me on the street about my movie reviews, and all of you a-holes who are thinking about confronting me: I really do love movies. I can hear the wheels grinding in your confrontational brains, "If he loves movies, then why does he seem to hate every one that comes out?" Because most movies stink like 1929s garbage - a particularly bad year for garbage - thats why! If everything didnt suck, then I wouldnt hate everything. Its that simple. But to prove that I truly do love movies, here are some films that I like and what made me like them... I like CHARLIES ANGELS because two ladies (and Drew Barrymore) beat the living shit out of Crispin Glover. I like DEEP BLUE SEA because immediately after Samuel L. Jackson gives a full-throttle delivery of the worst "when the tough get going" speech ever written, he gets eaten alive by a shark. I like THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE because big boat go all upside-downy. I like THE TOWERING INFERNO because O.J. Simpson saves a cat. I like LOGANS RUN because it depicts a future where cute girls like to be naked and everyone gets to die when they hit 30. I like JOHN CARPENTERS THE THING because everybody dies. I like BOOGIE NIGHTS because it depicts a past where Heather Graham fucked dudes while wearing roller skates. I like FIGHT CLUB because I enjoy watching Edward Norton hit himself in the face. I like NATURAL BORN KILLERS (THE DIRECTORS CUT) because Ashley Judd gets stabbed to death. I like RUSHMORE because only a fucking idiot wouldnt like RUSHMORE. I like WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOACOLATE FACTORY because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like SNATCH because... the title is reason enough, dont you think? (SNATCH) I like SHORT CUTS because Chris Penn gets to use an earthquake as an alibi after beating Jennifer Jason Leigh to death with a rock. I like DAWN OF THE DEAD because you dont normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall. I like THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK because its not ATTACK OF THE CLONES. I like SPIDER-MAN because of a certain T-shirt and a rain machine. I like ROCKY because you just gotta root for that guy. Hes an underdog, you know. I like CITIZEN KANE because I really look forward to seeing what all the fuss is about.

And I'd like to wrap this up by admitting that Ive never been confronted on the street about my reviews. It was just a good hook for this article. Now, if youll excuse me, THE EXTRA-SPECIAL-FANCY-DELUXE-FUCKALL-OF-YOU-WHO-ALREADY-PURCHASED-THE-REGULAR-EDITION-EDITION of PEARL HARBOR is available on DVD and I have to run out to not buy it.

Friday, December 20, 2002 I LOVE MOVIES! (Dec 2002) HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS - Two hours and forty minutes of the most boring fun imaginable! DIE ANOTHER DAY - The best Bond film this year! SANTA CLAUSE 2 - I laughed a few times. Then the movie began. ANALYZE THAT - The Legend of Curly's Gold. CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND - Gong.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Jan 2003) ADAPTATION - Hey ADAPTATION fans, just keep telling yourselves the ending sucks on purpose. DRUMLINE - If you've ever been in a marching band, you will love it, you fucking nerd. GANGS OF NEW YORK - The first three hours are pretty dull. MAID IN MANHATTAN - A holiday gift!* *No refunds or exchanges. Saturday, March 01, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Feb - Mar 2003) THE GURU - From the makers of NOTTING HILL, BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY and crap! HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS - Pussy whip not included. GODS AND GENERALS - Just slightly longer than the actual Civil War. And exactly as boring. BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE - One BULWORTH was enough. THE HUNTED - Same review as above, but replace BULWORTH with FIRST BLOOD.

Monday, March 24, 2003 I LOVE OSCAR! (Mar 24, 2003) You did it again, Oscar! Ten minutes of entertainment crammed into three and a half hours! Presenter after presenter giving a speech about why their category matters ("Without set design, every movie would be Gus Van Sants GERRY," "If it werent for short films, regular length films would have nothing to brag about.") Every year I not only sit through the Oscars, I struggle through all the films nominated for major awards. And each year as I get older, I like less and less (or zero) of them. I dont know why I expect the Academys taste to mirror mine I might as well determine which movies Im going to see by asking a gay old asshole. Or Liza Minelli. This year was no exception. I saw everything: GANGS OF NEW YORK, which is three hours too long, THE HOURS which seems even longer, and ABOUT SCHMIDT, which is a miserable experience for anyone who is old or plans to be old someday (if a drug overdose is in your near future, enjoy!). I was saddened to discover that THE PIANIST isnt a musical and CHICAGO is. ADAPTATION, a wacky look at writers block, is about as much fun as actually having writers block. Even though CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND wasnt nominated for any Academy Awards, Id like to take this opportunity to mention that it sucks. I only saw FRIDA because I was high at the time and thought I was going to a movie called FRITO. But seriously, and perhaps unbelievably, I wasnt high when I wrote that. The bio pic of Frida Kahlo has some anachronistic moments, like when star Salma Hayek wears a t-shirt that says "Free Mustache Rides." While on the subject of unwanted facial hair, I promised Arj Barker I would mention his website, Monobrow.com. (I was high when I made that promise.) Also as part of my preparation for the Academy Awards, I watched the Independent Spirit Awards. My favorite pair of presenters on this cavalcade of "indie" actors? Crazy Brittany Murphy and her camel toe. Unfortunately, Brittany did all the talking. After screwing up the intro to the nominee clips, she ad-libbed, "Two peanuts walking down the street to Manhattan, ones assaulted." No such fun to be had at the Oscars, which was a very boring affair until Paul Simon came on. Then, it got extremely boring. Paul Simons "performance" (wake him when its over) drove me to the refrigerator. Not to get a snack, to crawl inside it and die. But then I decided that, considering what our troops are going through, the least I could do for my country is sit through the Oscars. (Youre welcome, America!) Oscar Fun Fact: The first time I jerked off to Diane Lane was in 1984. The last time was in 1990. Later Sean Connery livened things up a little by wearing Seinfelds puffy shirt and announcing the winner of Best Supporting Actress as just "Catherine," giving Kathy Bates one more second of hoping that shed win an Oscar for ruining all of my future hot tub fantasies. Connery shouldve thrown in a triumphant, "Thats the Chicago way!" but he didnt. Oscar Fun Fact: When Helen Hunt won the Best Actress Oscar in 1998, I said, "Really?" After an evening of watching animators, costume designers and sound editors politely accept their awards from the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Garner and Cameron "Jennifer" Diaz, it was nice to see Adrien Brody plant a long wet one on Halle Berry when he won Best Actor. I hoped the Best Actress winner would do the same to presenter Denzel Washington. No such luck -- Nicole Kidman went for it but Denzel wasnt having it. "Russell Crowe told me, dont cry if you get up there," Nicole said. Something tells me that is not the only context where hes told a woman not to cry. I love Oscar!

Tuesday, April 15, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! "Anyone can write single sentence insults." "Do you even see those movies?" "You seem like an asshole." These are some of the things Ive heard about my "I Love Movies" column, and thats just from my Mom! But seriously ffolkes*, Ive decided to try harder. Im going to write lengthier reviews of more movies. Im going to see everything - in a theater, as movies were meant to be seen (so during the boring parts I can kill time by despising the people around me watching videos at home, I only have myself to hate). Im going to sit through not only bullshit mainstream movies, but crappy independent junk as well. I will watch diarrhea inducing documentaries, and some foreign fartfests, too. (But I wont see any kiddie movies, because if theres one thing I hate more than children on film, its children in the audience. Ill watch the likes of LILO AND STITCH at home, thank you, and jerk off like Judge Reinhold in a pirate suit.) Why am I doing this? For the cash? For the pussy? For the sweet, sweet pussy-cash? No, Im doing it to prove my love for movies (and to give people who have day jobs something to read when "the man" has turned his or her back). So grab your mouse and get your scrolling finger ready, because these reviews are five times longer and half as funny! THE GOOD THIEF A heist movie (hey, come back with my nine dollars!) featuring a hard-on-the-ears Nick Nolte and an easy-on-the-eyes Russian actress named Nutsa Something. The word "good" should have tipped me off that it wasnt going to be excellent. On the other hand, has there ever been a good movie with "excellent" in the title? (After a spin through the Internet Movie Database I can tell you there hasnt been shut up, BILL & TED fans.) Directed by Neil Jordan, whose movies always take me to faraway places like Napland and Dozeville, its one of those caper stories that are difficult to follow. Maybe I got lost because I took a phone call (dont get your bent on, my cell is always set on vibrate) during the part that made sense. LEVITY I blew two hours of my leisure time on this leisurely paced drama about a slow-talking ex-con played by pregnant pause maestro BillyBobThornton. A man sitting across the aisle from me laughed at every line of dialogue, perhaps because he took the title seriously. Co-star Kirsten "Call Me Kiki And Then Feel Bad For Both Of Us" Dunst has the nerve to appear in all of her scenes fully clothed. Ive got an idea for the sequel call it BREVITY and dont even make it. VIEW FROM THE TOP If the people responsible for this not particularly sexy stewardess movie (you gotta work overtime to screw that up!) were all on firethat would be quite a coincidence, dont you think? Gwyneth Paltrow cant settle on a character, alternating between really dumb and kinda dumb, and Samuel L. Jackson steals the movie by not being in it. IRREVERSIBLE - The first great "date rape" movie of the year! *starring roger moore (1980) (USA)

Tuesday, April 22, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! You know what Id like to see? A movie called BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES ("You got me straight decapitatin you, boo."). But that film doesnt exist, so I saw: PHONE BOOTH Joel Schumacher, the director responsible for the gayest BATMAN movie ever (not to mention the second gayest BATMAN movie ever), saves all the drama for his mama with this gimmick of a movie thats as ridiculous as the nipples on Chris ODonnells Robin costume. Keifer Sutherland plays the motiveless sniper to Colin Farrells bulls eye (counting DAREDEVIL, its his second Bullseye this year). The only enjoyable line of dialogue occurs when a hooker, for reasons not worth describing, says, "Goddamn it, you made me hurt my dick hand!" Speaking of which, if I'm gonna spend 80 minutes in a booth, Id prefer it to be the kind that has one window and a tissue dispenser. WHAT A GIRL WANTS After I forked over an outrageous fourteen bucks to see this teenage-girl-goes-to-England-to-find-her-daddy-andfalls-down-a-lot movie at the Arclight theaters in Hollywood (yeah, the seats are comfy and the staff is ultra-accommodating, but fourteen fucking dollars?!), I bumped into some friends in the lobby. They had just walked out on another film (no reason to name it, but I will say my pals needed to "manage" their "anger") and asked what I was there to see. "Um," I looked up at the giant board that lists all the movies, trying to pick one that would be less embarrassing than the truth, "Uh, AGENT CODY BANKS." Was it right to lie to them? No. But it also wasnt right that a grown man was seeing Amanda Bynes in WHAT A GIRL WANTS (grown men can see AGENT CODY BANKS because its got Angie Harmon in tight pants, I explained) Anyway, WHAT A GIRL WANTS, is exactly what youd expect from a teenage-girl-goes-to-England-to-find-her-daddy-and-falls-down-a-lot movie, and less. A MAN APART The MPAA rated it R for strong graphic violence, language, drug content and sexuality -- all the things I look for in a movie! But it turns out the film also has cliched situations, ridiculous dialogue and Vin Diesel -- all the things I walk out on in a movie! Actually, I stayed all the way to the end, when The Deese says to the evil drug lord, "If I wanted you dead, you would be," which is the exact

same thing the evil drug lord told him earlier in the movie! You burned him good, Vinny! DREAMCATCHER Aside from having the most misleading and irrelevant title since MINORITY REPORT, this extra-fancy C movie is proof that Stephen King shouldve packed it in several books ago and screenwriter William Goldman should keep his yap shut about the shortcomings of Scorceses last picture show. Poor Morgan Freeman actually (honestly, truly) has to utter the line, "Im getting too old for this shit." Interesting only to those who want to know what ALIEN(S) wouldve been like if the chest bursters had chosen to slip out through the ol back door, announcing their impending arrival with an ass symphony that makes DUMB AND DUMBER seem classy. BULLETPROOF MONK - Chow Yun Fat, who played Crouching Tiger or Hidden Dragon, I cant remember which, plays the title character and he couldnt go to the premiere in L.A. because he lives in Hong Kong and was advised not to fly. Too bad hes not a SARSPROOF MONK. Fats designated buddy in this movie is Stifler from AMERICAN PIE (UN, DEUX AND TROIS). And like all "buddy" movies, they dont get along at first, but eventually they learn to live and love together, and they have a few laughs along the way. I, on the other hand, was bored shitless. I may never shit again, in fact. The action (with no violence to speak of) is about as suspenseful as this years AMERICAN IDOL (if your money is not on Ruben Studdard, pack your moneys bags, because your money is leaving home and never coming back). There are more exciting fight scenes on free television every week on shows like ALIAS, BUFFY and GILMORE GIRLS. If this movie was as much fun to make as it is to watch, the people who made it mustve been miserable. But it is an opportunity to see a Nazi shake a fist at the sky and scream, "Monk!" (Not because hes a Tony Shaloub fan.)

Friday, April 25, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (May 2003 - Part Deux) After my review of IDENTITY hit the net, I got more than one and less than three unhappy e-mails, the kindest of which went like this "Its one thing to write funny reviews about shitty movies, but to give the ending away? Come on man, that just ain't right. I might've actually seen IDENTITY." Hey dude, (Im pretty sure youre a guy, I havent received any e-mails from lady types) you seem like a nice person but IDENTITY is a giant piece of stink with a turd on top. By ruining the "twist" ending (which

doesn't even come at the very end, and which makes all that happened before it absolutely meaningless they might as well of gone with, "Hey, it was all a dream!") I valiantly saved you two valuable hours for more important activities like building action figures or watching your computer. But, since you asked nicely, and even though another miffed hothead told me to do something to myself that is impossible because of my lack of flexibility and the teeny-tiny-ness of my peenie, I promise I won't blow major plot points ever again. At least until the next time some bad, bad movie turns me into Chief Angry Face. (BLOW MAJOR PLOTPOINTS, starring Trailer St. Rain and Chief Angry Face as Major Plotpoints, is currently available at a video retailer near you.) Now, more reviews of varying lengths designed to anger idiots and dummies alike! BRUCE ALMIGHTY Alllllmighty then! Are there six scarier words in the English language than "From the director of PATCH ADAMS"? (Okay, maybe "Jim Carrey tries to win Oscar.") If I were granted all of God's powers, and the first things I wanted to do were make a fire hydrant explode and blow a woman's dress up over her head, the third thing i would do is kill myself.

THE SHAPE OF THINGS If you like Neil LaBute movies, dont read this column. Ever. This ugly shaped thing is about a pretty, obnoxious girl (remove the comma if youd like) who falls in love with a schlubby guy, but it turns out shes just using him for a school project. Hey, ever hear of papier-mch, bitch? (Spoiler Alert!) THE IN-LAWS The ads compare it to MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, but the only things the two movies have in common are a wedding scene and an overall suckiness. I dont want to say this re-make is terrible, because that would be an insult to all things that are terrible. Im sure the original stars of the 70s version (Alan Arkin and Peter Falk) are rolling over in their graves. I mean, they will be, after they die. But I must admit that its a refreshing change of pace to be able to sit in a theater watching a comedy without the clamor of laughter and applause. DOWN WITH LOVE Its about time somebody made an old-fashioned Rock Hudson/Doris Day comedy, but with dick jokes! HOLES Its not the sequel to THE DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD, but it is an adaptation of a beloved childrens book that I havent read and a movie that Im not going to see.

Saturday, May 03, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (X-Men 2: X-Men United) Thanks to everyone who dropped me a line, even though there isnt a Popsicles future in Bruce Vilanchs poo-hole (Ive updated the old "snowballs chance in hell" share it with your friends!) that I will ever, ever write back. Some of you feel my comments are not mean enough, some of you prefer the short reviews, and all of you can suck it. (My favorite e-fanmail was the one that just simply stated, "YOU ARE A TRULY AWFUL FAGGOT.") And dont tell me what movies to see. Anyone who thinks Im gonna sit through THE LIZZIE MAGUIRE MOVIE or THE DOUGLAS FAMILY VANITY PROJECT (aka IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY) is nuttier than an elephants stool (formerly "crazier than a shithouse rat" try it this summer!). Now, lets start things off with the best movie I saw at midnight on May 2nd X-MEN 2: X-MEN UNITED As I left the Chinese Theater at 3:00am last Friday, my friends flailing about in their Colossus and Spiderman costumes, I quietly wondered to myself what it would be like to do a standup comedy routine about the X-MEN films at a science fiction convention. (You know, those annual events where a bunch of comic-bookies get together to stink up a convention hall and show off their precious magazines stuffed in baggies.) And I thinkit might go a little somethinglikethis: Good morning, everybody! Lets hear it one more time for the faggy English dude from The WBs ANGEL! So, how many X-MEN fans do we have in the house? The crowd applauds. Do you guys like Sabertooth and Toad? The crowd roars. Well, theyre fucking dead you dumb nerds. "Boo!" Save your voice, Poindexter, youll need it later to yell at your mother from the basement. Where was I? Oh, how bout that Wolverine? Its like that guy has a metal pole up his assliterally! "It's not a metal pole! It's adamantium!" What else is going on? That girl Rogue cant touch men - hey, I dont know about you, but I go to the movies for escape, not to be reminded of my ex-wife! "You suck!" Magneto and Professor Xavier have a lot in common ones in a plastic prison and the other is in plastic underpants! Hey, Cyclops! Geordi La Forge called and he wants his shades back. But go ahead and keep the personality, you dork. "Dont you get it? He needs those glasses to block the lasers!" Hey, if you care so much, why dont you start a Cyclops Fan Club? For your initiation ritual you can all fuck yourselves! "Hiss!" Whats the deal with that hot albino, Storm? Id like to see if her carpet matches the drapes, but I bet

theres a nasty cold front in that region! And how hot is that Jean Grey? She has the special ability to move objectsout of my penis. "Dont talk about her like that!" I mean, whats Wolvey waiting for, he should cut himself a slice of that shit! Speaking of things my dick likes, whats up with that new Asian mutant, Pink Lady and Jeffstrike? "Were too young to get that reference!" Shes got the same powers as Wolverine, which must lead to the same thing every lonely night masturbate, heal, masturbate, heal, mastur-stop this joke, I wanna get offliterally! But if I can be serious for a moment, Mystique and Nightcrawler remind me of my balls! Not because they kick ass, but because theyre blue! Crickets. Thank you! You guys have been X-credible and X-tastic! Now its my pleasure to introduce the next speaker, the cunty roommate from The WBs SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH! The End? Thursday, May 15, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (May 2003) I dont just criticize movies, I write them as well. Currently Im working on a screenplay called YOU BROKE IT, YOU BOUGHT IT, the story of a race car driver who beats the land speed record, and then hits a wall and dies on impact. But who gives a fat crap about that? The new MATRIX is here, the new MATRIX is here! THE MATRIX RELOADED The action in this sequel will, quite simply, knock your dick in the dirt. Not only will it knock your dick in the dirt, it will pick it up, wipe it off, give it a nice meal, spoon it a while at bedtime, and then, just as its drifting off to dreamland, wake it up and knock it back in the dirt! (But dont feel left out, you dick-less ladies out there, because this movie will make you grow a dick, and then proceed with all the dick-related activities mentioned above.) Unfortunately, the punching, and kicking, and flying, is all so spec-fucking-tac-fuck-ular, it makes the talking, and talking, and talking - "Neo is The One." "No, he isnt." "Is too!" "Is not!" - even more snooze inducing than the last time around. Note to the Wachowski brothers: Less yappy, more slappyno nappy. Note to everyone else: The chatty parts are a good time to hit the crapper and empty your dick to get it ready for more dirt. (Note to self: Enough with the notes.) Back on the positive side, most of the irritating characters from the first MATRIX are dead (Dozer? Tank? Are they the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar or the cast of FRAGGLE ROCK?), and the worst person ever, Jaded PinkettSmith, doesn't have much to do here (but Im sure shell have plenty of chances to ruin the third chapter in November). And even though this is the middle part of a trilogy, some sort of ending would be nice. I mean, I would never end a review in mid A MIGHTY WIND Critics are calling it "A gift from comedy heaven," "Something of a miracle" and "One of the most brilliant films of the year"! I call it "Kinda funny," "Sorta slow" and "A nice try"! BLUE CAR The "teacher feel student good" movie of the summer! Ten strangers (right out of Agatha Christies dusty vagina) get stuck in a run-down motel on a rainmachine-soaked night. Then (hang on to your hats and glasses!), they begin to get murdered one by one. Rebecca De Mornay (RISKY BUSINESS, nothing worthwhile since) - thanks for being the first dead little Indian. Then Ray "Brains!" Liotta checks out (of life, not the motel); John C. McGinley (the guy on SCRUBS

who says "Newbie" too much) gets a chest-full of truck grill; William Lee Scott ("Bullethead" on The WBs STEVE HARVEY SHOW) gets a bullet in his do-I-have-to-even-say-it? I could be getting the order and incidents wrong, but theres no reason to care because it turns out that all the victims are just different people in the head of one goofbag (Pruitt Taylor Vince) with a multiple personality disorder. Spoiler Alert!

Friday, June 06, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (June 2003) For those of you who missed it because you dont have cable (cheapskates!) or dont care (smartskates!), I watched the MTV MOVIE AWARDS. What I wont do for you people - drive you to the airport, pick up after your dog, etc. (For a complete list, write to: www.scaryinternetnerd.com.) Hosted by more like held hostage by Sean William Scott and Justin Timber Lake, the MTV MOVIE AWARDS shot its proverbial load at the get-go with a pre-taped, stick-the-hosts-in-the-movie-Billy-"The Only Way I Can Be Less Funny Is Standing Next To Robin and Whoopi"-Crystal-style MATRIX parody. (For more on THE MATRIX, see below.) Later Yoda accepted an award, and did very un-Yoda-like things like flashing signs, giving a shout-out to Queen Latifah and ACCEPTING AN MTV MOVIE AWARD! Seven hours later, Harrison Ford was wheeled out with his HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE co-star Josh Hartnett. In a feeble attempt to woo back the audience ol Indy lost with box-office belly flops like K-19: THE FRESHMAKER and SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS WITH A LESBIAN, Ford spouted quotes from his past hits. Maybe hes just senile and thats all he can remember. Hey, it worked for Ronald Reagan! (If youre interested in more on HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE, go see it, moron.) Before the pageants merciful end, yet another CGI character (real actors like Eminem better look out!), Gollum from LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS, snagged an award and gave an acceptance rant that seemed to last longer than all three LOTRs put together (thats a long time, folks!). Heres an idea: Instead of Best Virtual Performance, call the category Worst Thing To Happen To Movies Since Jennifer Tilly. Now, on to some current crap that will certainly be honored by MTV next year 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS On paper it looks like a Prince song, but its actually the sequel to THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, and its got 2 things going 4 it: its not directed by Rob Cohen, and it doesnt star Vin Diesel. The 1 thing going against it? The movie. THE ITALIAN JOB Accurately named, because part of the action occurs in Italy, and its work to sit through. RUGRATS GO WILD If they went apeshit or bugfuck, Id be all over it. THE MATRIX RELOADED (REVISITED) - I saw THE MATRIX RELOADED a second time, just to confirm for myself that the action was dick-knocking-in-the-dirt cool and the talking was boring and witless and let's say boring one more time just for emphasis. The only blabby scene I enjoyed was the one with the MerrillLynchian, because he said stuff about pissing and wiping his ass, which always gets my attention when I'm coincidentally having the piss and shit bored out of me. And the Oracle scene wasn't bad, because it's interesting to watch the late Gloria Foster and wonder how the Watchoutskis are going to work around her passing in the next one - a talking spoon, perhaps? And even the second time around, I kept doing a Seinfeld impression during the scenes on Zion - "who ARE these people?" The Keymaker was my favorite new character, because the only truly entertaining twist in the whole movie occurred when the little fellow whipped out a key to the motorcycle and saved Trinity the hassle of learning to jump-start the bike with a three second download. And why did it feel like we got to see less of Agent Smith even though there were more of him? And why do people keep defending this movie by saying, "It's just the middle part of the story"? That's like saying the middle part of all movies should suck. (Which they usually do - except for the original MATRIX.) FINDING NEMO If Nemo went apeshit or bugfuck, Id be all over it.

Friday, June 20, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Hulk and More...) A person claiming to go by the name Pippi recently wrote "hey doug, i thouroghly enjoy your movie reviews, you are one seriously funny asshole, are you blind? you look like a blind guy in the picture." Yes, good eye, I am, in fact, sightless. I am a blind man who reviews movies. How crazy is that? (Answer: Very.) And not only am I blind, Im also deaf and dumb. And I sure play a mean pinball. Thanks for writing, "Pippi." Now, as Debbie Allens kids on FAME like to say, "I came to work!" HULK I wasnt bored for a minute! I was bored for 138 minutes. The only thing incredible about Ang Lees overly angsty rendition of Marvel comics THE INCREDIBLE HULK is how boring and not comical it is. But fortunately, I got an extra bang for my entertainment buck because I sat right in front of Commentary Larry, the creep who goes to movies alone and then comments on everything out loud like hes recording a DVD bonus track. During a (mercifully) brief cameo by Lou Ferrigno and Stan Lee as security guards, Commentary Larry said, "Hmmm, Hulk vs. Hulk." Yeah, I guess. Sort of. If they were fighting, or even having an argument, or if Stan Lee had played the Hulk, rather than creating him. But logic doesnt slow down a Commentary Larry. Every time the audience giggled - during unintentionally "ha!"-provoking moments like when HULK battles a mutant French poodle (I mean, freedom poodle) and when HULK hops, skips and jumps across the desert like a bulky baby Baryshnikov (youll believe a green action figure can fly!) C.L. would ask incredulously, "Whats so funny about that?" Others in the auditorium eventually got into the talkback act. When walking mug shot Nick Nolte declared, "Its over for Bruce," a little kid shrieked with delight, "Its over! Yay!" Rumor has it HULK cost 150 million to make, and it was worth several pennies of it. Maybe they saved a little on the budget by just calling it HULK, but as long as they were making changes, they shouldve added two more syllables, ING and BORE. FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini (the winner and the loser from the first AMERICAN IDOL, respectively) play two kids who meet in Florida during spring break. But one night Kelly gets wasted and enters a wet t-shirt contest, and before you can say Raise The Roofies, shes being tripleteamed by Tyrese and some of his boyz while the rest of his crew beats the smirk off Guarinis face. Oh, wait, Im sorry, thats what I wished would happen. Instead they just sing and dance on a beach. (Or so Ive heard.) McGRIDDLE The McGriddle is not a movie, its a new breakfast sandwich and easily the best product offered by McDonalds sinceever! Its like an Egg McMuffin, but the taste of maple syrup is baked into the muffin. And its soft, not crunchy. I dont like to use the Lords name in vain, especially when discussing a fast-food item, but goddamn its good! In addition to the egg and the cheese, you get two choices, bacon or sausage. Theyre both delicious, but if forced to choose a preference by a gun-wielding madman, Id go with the bacon version. What a wonderful world this would be if gun-wielding madmen wanted nothing more than to get people to try McGriddles. I also recommend you order the McGriddle without the cheese. I dont know what they were thinking putting cheese in there. But it sure is fun saying "Hold the cheese, please!" I LOVE McGRIDDLES! I love them so much, Ive devised a new, three-step plan to a better, more fulfilling life: Wake, bake, McGriddle! If they didnt stop serving McGriddles at 11:00am, Id repeat that process all day! Thank you McDonalds, thank you McGriddle, thank you! If you only have one breakfast treat this summer, make it thousands and thousands of McGriddles! (SFX - Bong hit)

Friday, June 27, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Angels and More...) I have received lots of comments regarding this column, but here, for your reading pleasure, is my new most favorite e-mail, in its entirety "yo bitch what up i just had my period last week and boy is my pee pee hurting" And now, something that's not that much fun! CHARLIES ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE I call bullshit on this one. I loved the first CHARLIES ANGELS (truly, madly, deeply), but everything that was so right in the original is so wrong in the sequel. Over the course of just two movies Ive gone from "Hello, Angels" to "Go to hell, Angels." The follow-up (as we like to call it at The Ivy and by "we" I mean me and the busboys) feels like a team of scientists took the formula from the first film and meticulously removed everything that was good about it while magnifying everything that was lame. Director McGs music video-style cutting this time around is too chaotic, too fast (making me furious). A highlight of CA1 was watching Crispin Glover get shit-kicked by the titular ladies to the strains of "Smack My Bitch Up," so why not use two Prodigy songs in CA:FT? (Because they're Prodigy songs, that's why.) While Sam Rockwell made a quirky and engaging villain, Demi Moore merely wears an engaging series of bathing suits, presumably leaving the personality in Idaho with her kids ("You know that Teen Beats Hunk-Of-The-Month picture you cut out and taped to the wall above your bed? Hes your new daddy!") I very much enjoy the comedy stylings of Bernie Mac, but no one could possibly replace Bill Murray as the man between Charlie and his Angels. Especially when the new character is also called Bosley, but is supposed to be the previous Bosleys brother, and hes acting like hes new to the job, but the Angels are acting like theyve known him forever and barely miss the old Bosley, if at all. (Which makes me wonder if Bernie Mac and the Angels were ever actually on the set together at the same time, and if the screenwriters actually typed the script themselves, or if they just dictated it over a bad cell phone connection.) John Cleese, who could make anything funny, was added to the cast as Lucy Luis father apparently just to disprove my John-Cleese-could-make-anything-funny theory. Divorce from Drew Barrymore thankfully ruled out another excruciating Tom Green cameo ("Hey, Pink is available!"), but even the seemingly sure-fire endtitle outtake sequence failed to bring a smile to my face or a boner to my pants. What up with that? ALEX & EMMA The best romantic comedy of the year! If the year were talking about is 1853. AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL - Is not a movie, its a genius television program where you can see Tyra Banks attempting to become the Debbie Allen of models, trying to make impressionable young beauties feel grateful to her for noticing how hot they are. She says things like "When you are modeling, dont make this face (she makes a face that looks pretty much like Tyra Banks), make this face (then she makes another face that also looks like Tyra Banks)." During the voting off segment of the weekly show, Miss Tyra (thats what the would-be models call her I call her Big Boobies McGee) repeats over and over, "Congratulations, youre still in the running to becoming AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL," like the winner will actually become AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL. (Does anyone know who the current holder of that title is? Does anyone care? Should I put a third question here because comedy works in threes?) Another great moment occurred at a photo shoot when Big Boobies McGee tried to teach the contestants how to "model-dance." I dont know if there really is such a thing, or if BBM made it up, all I know is it looked ridiculous all 50 times I hit the rewind button to watch her do it again. Of the remaining four contenders clawing and scratching for the ANTM crown, two are devout Christians. Yes, Shannon (the white weenie) and Robin (the black bitch) are Bible-loving, God-fearing, born-more-than-once types who have somehow decided modeling is the career for them despite the fact that they arent comfortable posing naked and think homosexuality is wrong. (Good call, you gorgeous dumb-asses, theres hardly any nudity or gays in the fashion industry!) Sure the cat-fights are mostly verbal in nature, but Ill take these small screen angels over the big-screen ones any day (specifically Tuesdays at 9 on UPN).

Wednesday, July 02, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (T3 & Blonde...) The debate rages on (and by "rages" I mean its very gay): Lots of people have sent me e-mails encouraging me to continue writing long-form reviews, while others just one actually, but it still hurted my feelings (yes, hurted) - told me to go back to the short, one-line shit. Okay, first of all, this is not OZ and Im not your bitch. And fifthly (secondly through fourthly arent important), the longer reviews get me more pussy. (It always comes down to da pussy!) So if you want my column to be shorter, read less of it, ya dick. And now, a public service announcement: Heres what can happen if you get super-baked before going to the local multi-plex TERMINATOR 3: RED, WHITE & BLONDE The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) bends and snaps his way through one of the best movies of the summer, easily in the top twenty! This is the Terminator movie youve been waiting to see your whole life, especially if youre a twelve-year-old. Hold on to your seat! Because sometimes someone else will want to sit in your seat and its really unpleasant to have to stand during an entire feature film. (As Arnie likes to say "Been there, done that!") T-3 is just like Jonathan Mostows last movie, U-571, minus the submarine and with less numbers in the title. This three-quel will leave you gasping for more - and as you gasp for more, other people will say things like, "Whats the matter?" "Do you need a drink of water?" and "Who are you calling a whore?" Youll roar with laughter when the Terminator says, "I must get a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes!" But fashionable footwear isnt this Boston lawyers prime directive hes also out to ban cosmetic testing on animals ("Hasta la vista, rabies!"). After taking on all of Congress, whats next for the not-as-obsolete-as-he-thinks T-101? (Sequel spoiler ahead!) Governor of California, baby! LEGALLY BLONDE 2: RISE OF THE MACHINES Reese Witherspoon has done it again! Thats right, shes made another movie. Its the best summer movie I saw all 4th of July weekend! (Not including Saturday or Sunday.) Elle Woods is baaack and shes more robotic than ever! This time Americas sweetheart has to save John Conner (some guy who isnt Edward Furlong) from a newfangled killing machine called a T-X (I think the X stands for Extra Big Titties). The End of the World may seem like a heavy subject for a comedy, but it all comes to a hilarious conclusion (or does it? I wont tell/cant remember) when the irrepressible E.W. tells the unstoppable Judgement Day to "Talk to the hand!" Wednesday, July 09, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Pirates & Gentlemen...) Entertainment Weekly (the magazine thats not afraid to put "you do the math" inside its pages almost weekly) has a new feature called "The Must List," not to be confused with "Jim Mullens Hot Sheet," which is like a mouthful of hot shit for the eyes! "The Must List" is ten things the editors think you should spend your free time reading or watching, so I thought it would be fun for me to actually read or watch everything on this weeks TML and share my opinion of their opinions with you. But numero ocho on the list is THE GRAPES OF WRATH by John Steinbeck, and since I could barely sit through the movie version in high school, I said to myself, "Screw that, I'll just go to the movies!" PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL Not as much fun as watching a Pittsburgh Pirate clock a teenage girl in a sausage costume with a Louisville Slugger, but more fun than standing in line for hours to board the Disneyland boat ride that spawned it. The former E-ticket attraction has always warned - just after you float past the clawful Cajun restaurant (often cited as the Best Food in the Magic Kingdom, which is like being named the Best Turd in the Bowl) and the pretty, fake fireflies "Dead men tell no tales." But in this movie adaptation (every ride that wasnt initially inspired by a film will be turned into one I cant wait for MONORAIL: THE CURSE OF THE NOT-SO-FUTURISTIC TRANSPORT

SYSTEM OF THE FUTURE), dead pirates are quite talkative. The undead pillagers and plunderers seem much more into telling tales than pillaging or plundering, or any other pirate activities that can be squeezed into a PG -13. (Sorry rape enthusiasts, theres nothing to see here, move along.) For a full-blown zombie movie, try 28 DAYS LATER Its scary, but not as scary as the Carnie Wilson pictorial in the current Playboy (which isnt even mentioned on the cover, by the way they just spring it out of nowhere on poor, unsuspecting masturbate-ologists). But if you have a fear of viruses, crazed monkeys, flesh-eating maniacs or movies shot on video with shakey, hand-held camera work, 28 DAYS LATER is your chance to overcome those fears and stop being such a worthless piece of worthlessness. London has been overrun by some nasty-ass zombies who can turn the living into the undead without killing them - - merely by giving the gift of bodily fluids. One scene in this freak-you-the-fuck-out-fest could and should inspire a new drinking toast: "Heres contaminated blood in your eye!" And to experience something thats almost as traumatizing as contaminated blood in your eye, check out THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN Dorian Gray, Dr. Jekyll, Captain Nemo, An Invisible Man (apparently The Invisible Man was busy) and other well known literary characters - Tom Sawyer? "Look out Tom, that fence needs to be whitewashed!" - band together to save the world, but they shouldve concentrated on saving this film. The only way I could sit through this comic-book-I-never-read turned into a movie-I-wish-they-didnt-make was to get extraordinarily high. The two highest ranking "gentleman" involved in this fiasco, director Stephen Norrington and producer/star Sean Connery, didnt get along on the set, and Professor Jones Sr. has since done some finger pointing and blame placing regarding the resulting cacophony of crap. But Id wager Connery was the one who screwed it up, because Norrington has only one movie to judge him on, the first BLADE, which I enjoyed very much (even though it featured Stephen Dorf, whose work has suffered since he started doing those golf tapes). Connery, it could be argued, has appeared in more stinkers than you can wave a fart at. Sure hes been in some great movies, but hes also been in (from A to Z) THE AVENGERS, FINDING FORRESTER ("Youre the man now, dawg!"), MEDICINE MAN, METEOR, THE PRESIDIO, RISING SUN, WRONG IS RIGHT, ZARDOZ and more. And he got along swimmingly with the directors of those cinematic cesspools? I think someone is getting a little cuckoo in the ol bean, and his initials are 007. Only 226 days 'til the Oscars! Friday, July 18, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Bad Boys, Swimming Pool & Moore...) I just heard Jennifer Love Hewitt on VH1 asking why people are fascinated with her breasts. Is there anything else about you to fascinate us, Love? And speaking of fascinating breasts, if you wanna see a totally nude European teen beat a guy to death with a big rock, check out SWIMMING POOL The surprise twist is that it takes 26 trs boring minutes for the girl from the poster to nudie up. But then she pretty much stays naked for the rest of the movie. (Hooray for French whores!) BAD BOYS II Big Will and Crazy Martin are back and badder than ever! Or worse than ever, if you prefer. If you dont like this movie, it will hold you down and make you like it. Then it will say, "Im sorry baby, I didnt mean to be so rough." And youll forgive it (because you are stupid and you kind of like it). Possibly the most violent, highest body count buddy cop movie ever made, and yet somehow deeply unsatisfying. This empty feeling could come from the fact that the leads ceaselessly banter while miraculously surviving the seemingly endless car chases and gun battles - although Small Bad does catch a bullet in his tushy, which leads to a hilarious THREES COMPANY-style misunderstanding of the expression, "taking it in the ass." The script (by several writers who probably never met) is comprised of a series of bumper stickers, from "Kiss my black ass" to "Dont hate the player, hate the game" to "Same shit, different day." The last one sums up my opinion of the movie.

SINBAD: LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS If I wanted to see a lame cartoon featuring Brad Pitt, Id rent THE MEXICAN. HOW TO DEAL Even though it has been scientifically proven that theres nothing funnier than a weedsmoking grandma, Im gonna take a big, fat, Greek pass on Mandy Moores second feature, just like I did on her first one. JOHNNY ENGLISH The Motion Picture Association of America gave this Rowan Atkinson romp a PG rating because of "Comic Nudity." But none of the nudity here is as funny as watching a totally nude European teen beat a guy to death with a rock. Friday, July 25, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES (Tomb Raider 2, American Wedding...) For both of you who have been clamoring for a review of GIGLI, Im sorry to say I havent seen it yet. But Im traveling across the country tomorrow, so Ill probably see it on the plane. TOMB RAIDER: THE CRADLE OF LIFE Lara Croft herself sums up the appeal of the TOMB RAIDER movies with the line, "Men are coming for the box." Pandoras box, as it turns out, not Angelina Jolies "Cradle of life." One critic - who probably likes everything better since he beat cancer - called it "The rare summer sequel thats more fun than the first." In reality it is exactly as much fun as the first, or to put it another way, no fun at all. (Unless youve just beaten cancer, in which case even CAPTURING THE FRIEDMANS could be considered fun). On a scale of one to four boners, I give it half a boner (because thats what it gave me). SEABISCUIT Here it is late July and we finally have our first Oscar contender of the year! And by that I mean an over-long, cornball, sugar-coated pile of horse shit that is sure to be embraced by the average Academy member (emphasis on the word "member"). AMERICAN WEDDING The funniest of the three movies! If the three movies were talking about are THE PIANIST, SCHINDLERS LIST and AMERICAN PIE II. SPY KIDS 3-D: GAME OVER Im going to wait until it comes out on DVD so I can masturbate in the privacy of my own Circuit City. Friday, August 01, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (The Full Gigli...) Hey everybody, I did it! I sat through GIGLI. All by myself. I had a private screening because no one else showed up to the 12:40 matinee at the Wehrenberg Cine 9 in St. Louis, MO. (Even people in St. Louis have better things to do than viewing GIGLI.) And guess what? It is bad. Not fun bad. Just bad bad. But I did it for you, and below youll find my review. You dont have to thank me, just send me some blow jobs. GIGLI Ben Affleck has got giant balls. Or hes really stupid. Or hes got giant, stupid balls. This charismafree lump of dumb, along with his buddy (the considerably less dopey but equally big-balled Matt Damon) concocted (with the emphasis on "coc") the HBO reality contest PROJECT GREENLIGHT. On this program, these Academy Award-winning screenwriters play show business God by benevolently selecting one of thousands of amateur scripts to be produced by Miramax, even though Affleck is simultaneously suffocating at the bottom of the biggest critical dog pile since the invention of opinions. But wait, theres more to his big-balled-ness! With GIGLI, he once again would like us to believe that he can make a hot lesbian fall

madly in love with him. (The first time was Kevin Smiths CHASING AMY, which, now that I think about it, shouldve been called CHANGING LANES.) Sure, some would argue that real-life Ben got real-life Jen to fall for him, but she was previously married to choreographer/waste-of-space Cris Judd, so how difficult could that be? (Lets go with: Not very.) But Bens elephantiasis of the nuts doesnt end there! I read someplace (or maybe I made it up), that when the studio considered changing the films title, Affleck insisted it remain named after his character Larry Gigli (rhymes with Seely, as in the posturepedic mattress you wish you were napping on while not watching the movie). Im sure the marketing department was thrilled about having to sell a film with a title no one would know (or care) how to pronounce until after suffering through the movie. Plus its not entirely about Afflecks mob enforcer character - J. Lo has almost as much screen time as B. Af, and they both get upstaged by a young Rainman-style mental defective who does old-school raps and constantly insists on "Going to the Baywatch." They shouldve called it A DICK, A DYKE AND A DUMMY. (Too bad Johnny Carson is dead - I couldve sold him that joke for his Karnac routine.) More a series of speeches than a story, my favorite line of dialogue is either "God bless you, penis," or "The mouth is the twin of the vagina." (Ill get back to you when I pick a winner from my nose!) The once great, and now crazy, Al Pacino shows up late in the barely proceeding proceedings to deliver a long monologue about the differences between a thumb and a finger which made me contemplate giving the screen the finger and thumbing a ride back to my hotel. It also made me ask myself, "What the fart happened to director Martin Brest?" (Then I had to shush myself, because I was trying to watch the train wreck, and Im uncomfortable with the F word). MIDNIGHT RUN is one of my favorite movies of all time, but SCENT OF A WOMAN, MEET JOE BLACK and GIGLI completes a crap trifecta that would make Seabiscuit beg to be put down (I mean, if he wasnt dead like Johnny Carson). Ill be back next week with more reviews of shit you will never see! Friday, August 15, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Uptown Girls, More...) Since his last few movies have gone straight down the shitter, Ive got some ideas Im gonna pitch around town for Jackie Chan. In the first one, called THE TUXEDO AND THE MEDALLION, he stumbles upon a tuxedo and a medallion, and when the two are worn at the exact same time, a magical spell stops people from going to movies. My back-up pitch has Jackie falling through a time hole and landing in King Arthur's court. It's called A CHINK IN THE ARMOR. Another idea I have to revive Jackies career is called RUSH HOUR III. But lets not dwell on his future - lets stew in my past! UPTOWN GIRLS Dakota Fanning, who co-starred with Sean Penn in I AM SAM, once again plays a little girl whose guardian is a retard (Brittany Murphy). THE BATTLE OF SHAKER HEIGHTS The latest and probably last movie from Ben Affleck and Matt Damons PROJECT GREENLIGHT. Written as a coming-of-age comedy, then directed as a family drama, and then shoehorned into being a flat-out comedy by the marketing clowns at Circus Miramaximus, the shouldagone-straight-to-video result is funnier than GIGLI but not as funny THE BOURNE IDENTITY. With his personalized plates that read HOT LIPS and his use of the word "jejune," actor Shia Le Boof almost out-gays Corey Haim in LOST BOYS (who still holds the title of gayest movie kid ever because of the Rob Lowe poster on the door in his bedroom closet). DIRTY PRETTY THINGS Not particularly dirty or pretty, but it does have things in it. (Human organs!) PARTY MONSTER Throughout Macauley Culkins return to the big screen (which is the most consistently annoying movie since MARCI X), I kept hoping he would get stung by bees and die. But alas, as the title suggests, all he does is party and monster.

Friday, August 15, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Freddy vs. Jason, more...) You know the guy in the beer commercial who says things like "Well done is over done," and "If youre going to draw a map of your life, do it in pencil," and "Theres a difference between the right girl and the right-now girl." Hes a real Bass-hole. Now that Ive got that off my (pot-titted) chest, lets go to the movies! THIRTEEN Just when you thought theyd stopped making POISON IVY movies, the dirty old Gods drop a present from pervert heaven. FREDDY VS. JASON Most people dont want to see the movie, they just want to know who wins. Well, at one point a fat guy in a cornfield says to Jason, "Why dont you go find a pig to fuck?" And in another scene one of Destinys Children inquires of Freddy, "What kind of faggot runs around in a Christmas sweater?" So lets just go ahead and call it a tie. FREAKY FRIDAY The titles MUNDANE MONDAY, TORPID TUESDAY, WEAK WEDNESDAY, THROW-UP THURSDAY, SUCKY SATURDAY and SUPER SUCKY SUNDAY mustve been taken. S.W.A.T. - Its high-octane entertainment! (Translation: it will give you gas.) MY BOSSS DAUGHTER After each and every screening, Ashton Kutcher should be required to show up and admit to the audience that they just got PUNKD. THE MEDALLION - Its just like THE TUXEDO, but with a medallion instead of a tuxedo, and an empty seat in the theater instead of one with me in it. Friday, September 19, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Anything Else...) When I heard there was a current magazine featuring a cover photo of Britney Spears posing just like the old Angie Dickinson naked-ass-hanging-out-of-asweater picture, I grabbed the nearest youngster and said, "Get thee to a newsstand, fetch me one them Esquires, and I'll give you a shiny new quarter, kid!" The boy looked up at me and said, "But Esquires cost five bucks." And I said, "Scram!" Then, I went to some movies, in alphabetical order ANYTHING ELSE Hey Woody, please stop making movies! What couldve been just an embarrassing footnote at the end of your career is turning into an agonizingly long chapter of shit. Watching ANYTHING ELSE is like watching a road company performance of ANNIE HALL rewritten by someone who didnt get ANNIE HALL. Christina Ricci is like a talking Keane painting with big tits and Jason Biggs is the biggest waste of cinematic space this side of Seann William Scott. (Damn you, AMERICAN PIE movies!) The most modern reference in the entire film is a mention of McDonalds (and sadly, its not a comment about McGriddle farts). So please stop Woody, for us and for you. Mostly for you. BUBBA HOT-TEP - "Elvis jokes have left the building."* OUT OF TIME A great actor (Denzel Washington) and a great director (Carl Franklin). But sometimes two greats make a wrong. RADIO Ive got three reasons to skip this one: Cuba, Gooding, and Junior. Four reasons if you count his goofy fake teeth. Five if you just enjoy counting.

RUNAWAY JURY Director Gary Fleder (KISS THE GIRLS, ALONG CAME A SPIDER, THREE MEN IN A TUB) never met a ridiculous plot point he didnt like. The only way this movie could be more ludicrous would be if the Gene Hackman role were played by Ludicris. SHATTERED GLASS Actor Hayden Christensen is like Ryan Phillippe without the hot wife. I didnt like him with his colored hair in that Kevin Kline LIFE AS A HOUSE movie, and I didnt like him with his colored light saber in that Kevin Kline STAR WARS movie. There wasnt a Kevin Kline STAR WARS movie, you say? There might as well have been, I say! THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE My girlfriend (thats right, I have a girlfriend sorry fellas!) doesnt want to see it, so whats the point? Why even bother going to a serial killer movie if youre not going to have a scared lady jumping on your shit? What am I supposed to do, just sit there and pound it every time Leatherface fires up the saw? (Rhetorical questions.) *First used as a review of 300O MILES TO GRACELAND in 2001. Friday, October 10, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Kill Bill (Vol 1) and many more...) Some people have written to ask when Im going to write another column. I guess those people have their answer. Why havent I written in a while? Because Hollywood produces crap faster than I can watch it. (Plus Ive been insanely busy, what with the holidays coming up and all.) A guy named Tyler sent me the following theory about my absence: "Don't sweat it, I remember when I peaked too. But for two weeks (Matrix 2 and X Men 2) you were hotter than Oger's dick after the Tri-Lams poured liquid heat on his jock strap." You know, theres nothing like a finely crafted albeit slightly misspelled REVENGE OF THE NERDS reference to get my movie-loving back back into a semi-reclining, cup-holding, ripped velvet seat where it belongs! So Ill begin with another highly anticipated return, the latest from kooky Quentin Tarantino, the also arguably peaked writer, director and uncured ham. KILL BILL (VOL. 1) If you like watching half a movie, and then having to wait four months to see the rest of the movie, youll love KILL BILL (VOL. 1)! If you like feet and footage of feet used to introduce every major character, culminating with a scene where star Uma Thurman has a conversation with her feet, youll love KILL BILL (Vol.1)! If you like Quentin Tarantino movies in which Quentin Tarantino does not appear on camera, youll love KILL BILL (VOL. 1)! If you like the way Quentin Tarantino squeezes a car-trunk-P.O.V. shot in all of his films, youll love KILL BILL (VOL.1)! If you like lots and lots of title cards that say things like "2 years later," "6 months earlier" and "10 hours later," youll love KILL BILL (VOL.1)! And if you like dickdirtying action mixed in with scenes of dialogue that try to convey that theres more going on than just a standard revenge story, but fail to deliver anything more than just a standard (but delightfully violent) revenge story, youll love KILL BILL (VOL. 1)! ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO Robert Rodriguez supposedly wrote the screenplay over a weekend. He should have put in another day or two. UNDERWORLD One hell of a ride! (That never moves.) THE FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS Im successfully fighting the temptation to see it. Besides, I filled my one-Cuba-Gooding-Jr.-movie-per-decade quota when I saw SNOW DOGS. (See you in 2010, Junior!) MATCHSTICK MEN Richard Roeper calls it a "masterpiece." Thats pretty much all you need to know.

SECONDHAND LIONS Haley Joel Osment looks weird, Michael Caines southern accent sounds weird, and Robert Duvall is just weird. LOST IN TRANSLATION Because her first film depicted Kirsten Dunst committing suicide, and her second one opens with a shot of Scarlett Johansson's ass, Sophia Coppola is quite possibly the greatest director ever! DUPLEX Roaches wont even check in. THE RUNDOWN The best summer-escapist-film-released-in-the-fall-that-shouldnt-have-been-releasedat-all movie ever! This spazzily directed action vehicle for The Rock starts promisingly enough, but the first fight scene is ruined by annoying strobe lights and the rest of the movie is ruined by the annoying Seann William Scott. Wednesday, November 05, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Choose the Matrix...) Before I get into the biggest cinematic disappointment of the year, Ive got one more thing to say about Tarantinos KILL BILL (VOL. 1) Uma Thurman has ugly feet. THE MATRIX: REVOLUTIONS The brothers Wachowski have accomplished something that has only been accomplished by the likes of Coppola, Spielberg and Lucas. They too made an intensely unsatisfying trilogy. REVOLUTIONS is mind-bogglingly boring bullshit, easily the most broke-dick chapter of THE MATRIX saga. There is little of the hand-to-hand combat that made the first part so engrossing, save for one fight thats more than a little similar to the flying battle between the Man of Steel and General Zod in SUPERMAN 2. Late in the film, (avert your eyes, spoiler-hating dorks!) one of the many Agent Smiths says to "The One" something like, "Why do you keep getting up and continuing to fight?" And Neo replies, "Because I choose to." Which sums up the only way anyone could enjoy the MATRIX trilogy in its entirety because they choose to. All charisma and thrills are gone (Larry Fishburne is forced to play fourth fiddle to Carrie-Anne Moss, Jada Pinkett-Smith and some asian guy), replaced by a bunch of boring-ass characters (introduced in RELOADED) battling it out to determine if Earth is going to be a machine world or a humans-who-act-likemachines world. Its amazing to look at and amazingly uninteresting at the same time. To put it in agonizingly inane MATRIX-speak, it sucks because it sucks. IN THE CUT Ive been waiting 20 years for Meg Ryan to get naked on film.* But why did she have to finally give it up in such a boring movie? THE HUMAN STAIN Ive been waiting a few months for Nicole Kidman to get naked (again) on film, but why did she have to finally give it up (again) in such a boring movie? WONDERLAND Hey, they forgot to put porn in this movie about porn! TUPAC: RESURRECTION A documentary that miraculously brings back to life an artist whose voice was silenced too soon. I mean, seriously, whatever happened to Tabitha Soren? *One tit in Oliver Stones THE DOORS doesnt count.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Missing the Movies...) A disgruntled MATRIX: REVOLUTIONS fan wrote to me, "Who signs your checks, bitch?" Which is an interesting question, because I have no idea what it means. Was that a line from the movie that I missed during my many naps? Am I working for The Wachowski Brothers and just dont know it? If so, they should fire my ass, instead of dispatching a sniveling minion to send me a dopey e-missive. But as long as I still have a job, lets go to the movies so I can get me some of those checks Ive heard so much about! THE MISSING If you ever wondered what Ron Howards RANSOM would be like if it took place in the old west, heres your answer, weirdo. And if you ever thought, while watching Evan Rachel Wood in the movie THIRTEEN, that someone should silence that drug-addled brat by shoving a handful of dirt in her mouth, well, heres your chance to see just that, you nutjob. TIMELINE When you come out of this movie, youll feel like youve traveled two hours into the future!* ELF - You will laugh until you shit! Even if you had already shit just before the movie started, you will keep laughing until youve had a meal or two, and then when you are ready to shit, you will shit! 21 GRAMS Even though this relentlessly bleak story unfolds like a drunken projectionist mixed up all the reels, I think I figured out the films message. And it goes a little something like this: if you are attempting to tap the ass of a hot widow, whatever you do, dont confess to her that you are the recipient of her recently manslaughtered husbands transplanted heart. Because then shell freak out, and youll have to sleep in the car in front of her house before you can hook up with her in the morning. THE CAT IN THE HAT (Dr. Suess-like rhyme about how bad it is here.) LOVE, ACTUALLY This ball of Christmas crap mustve gone way over budget due to the frequent stops in production needed to wipe the smarm off the camera lens. PIECES OF APRIL Sadly, its not about a serial killer. But while watching it, I did die a little. THE STATION AGENT Best screen performance ever by a midget! Im sorry, they dont like to be called that, so let me re-phrase. Best screen performance ever by a little fucker! *Actual running time: 1 hour, 56 minutes. Thursday, December 25, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Return of the Mona Lisa-Monster) Sorry I havent written in a while, but Ive been stuck in a deep cinematic bog of shitsand. So lets get cracka lackin, ding-dong doodlers! COLD MOUNTAIN The month-and-a-half long wait to see Nicole Kidman naked again is finally over! MONSTER Why would I go see an ugly Charlize Theron when Ive never liked a movie featuring the pretty Charlize Theron? PETER PAN Theres something Michael Jackson likes about this movie, but he cant put his finger in it. LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING People throughout the world (and Canada) are lining

up to watch marathons of all three chapters of the J.R.R. Tolkien saga, but the first movie was marathon enough for me, thank you very much. SOMETHINGS GOTTA GIVE I gave at the office. (And I dont even have an office!) HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG Jennifer Connelly plays a stupid woman who gets evicted from her house (because she didnt bother to open her mail) and then proceeds to fuck up the lives of a family who purchased said house fair and square. Youre supposed to feel sorry for her, but she gets no sympathy from me except for the scenes where she is topless. SYLVIA Gwyneth Paltrow, as suicidal poetess and full-time bummer Sylvia Plath, says, "If you fear something enough, it will happen." I feared this movie would go on forever, and it did. THE COOLER Critics are falling in love with THE COOLER!* STUCK ON YOU Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear play Siamese twins who have the same haircuts as DUMB AND DUMBER. Not a critique really, just an observation. For a full review, go to some other site. MONA LISA SMILE This (broken-down) Julia Roberts vehicle takes place at an all-girl school, yet none of the students experiment with lesbianism. I call bullshit! GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING More like GIRL WITH A PEARL BORING! GOTHIKA - The plot twists fly at you faster than you can say, "Where is the exit? Under that green sign that says EXIT? Great!" MYSTIC RIVER This Sean Penn drama is about as much fun as a Sean Penn drama. (Less so, actually.) MELVIN GOES TO DINNER - I cant wait for the sequel, MELVIN TAKES A STEAMY DUMP. *Stupid critics. Saturday, December 27, 2003 I LOVE MOVIES! (Cheaper and Cheaper) Great news everybody! No, I didnt just save a bunch of money on car insurance, Michael Jackson says hes not going to live at Neverland Ranch anymore. Why is that great news? Because, whether hes found guilty or not, no one, not even the King of Pop, should be allowed to have their own amusement park. Its just not fair. I mean, whatever happened to good old-fashioned candy and a van? Michael Jackson no longer has his candy and a van. So now that childrens asses are (temporarily) safe, lets go to the movies! ALONG CAME POLLY I laughed a lot more the first time, when it was called SOPHIES CHOICE. TORQUE From the producer of other movies you didnt like! BIG FISH The wait to see Danny DeVitos weird naked ass is finally over! CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN I mustve done something to make Steve Martin mad at me, because he keeps making awful movies. If youre reading this Steve, Im sorry for whatever it is I did. Now quit with the crap already.

CALENDAR GIRLS When they get around to making a movie about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Ill whip out my nine bucks and get to work like every other patriotic heterosexual.* THE LAST SAMURAI If ever a movie screamed out for a use of the song TURNING JAPANESE, its this one. It could be playing over the montage of Tom Cruise learning Japanese customs, or during the scene where he masturbates. MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD - My favorite part was when it was over. CHASING LIBERTY Another movie about a fictional Presidents rebellious daughter is coming out later this year, so Ill wait to not see that one as well. *But in the meantime, Ill jerk off to this. Friday, February 27, 2004 I LOVE MOVIES! (Oscar Predictions) Hey girls and gays, its time for my Oscar predictions! I predict that LOTR3 (as the nerds like to call it) will win Best Picture, even though I think the award should go to SCARLETT JOHANSSONS SWEET SWEET ASS (as I like to call it). Best Actor will go to Sean Penn for MYSTIC RIVER PIZZA (where their motto is, "if the delivery girl gets killed, your pizza is free!"). Best Actress will go to Charlize Theron (MAD MONSTER PARTY) for making her face as ugly as her ambition. Best Supporting Actor will go to Tim Robbins because everyone is dying to know where he stands on various political issues. And Renee Zellweger will win Best Supporting Actress for COLD MOUNTAIN because of the grueling seven-month shoot in Romania, where she had to endure hardships like limited phone access and only one personal assistant. Finally, I predict that no one gives a fat shit about my predictions. As for current releases, Oscar season is a great time to see new movies, especially if you want to see smelly garbage that will never win anything (except a Razzie or three). THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT Even though its only February, this Ashton Kutcher drama (!) is a contender for the worst movie of the last three years. WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON! A no-win situation. BARBERSHOP 2: BACK IN BUSINESS If they called it BARBERSHOP 2: BLACK IN BUSINESS, that would be funnier than anything that happens in the movie. YOU GOT SERVED Its like BREAKIN 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, sans the electricity. (Or HONEY without the honey.) 50 FIRST DATES You will laugh until you die and go to hell! MIRACLE The hockey scenes are compelling but every time the action stopped for scenes with the coachs wife, I went to the snack bar for more candy. Thanks for the horrible stomach ache, Academy Award nominee Patricia Clarkson! CATCH THAT KID (Michael Jackson reference here.) PAYCHECK It took me a while to get around to this one because I havent liked A John Woo Film in years and Ive never liked Ben Affleck vehicles, so I really expected to hate a John Woo/Ben Affleck movie. But guess what? It stinks.

THE TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE Ignore the rave reviews and the Oscar nomination, this cartoon-shortdragged-out-to-feature-length is French, annoying, and French. Monday, March 01, 2004 I LOVE OSCAR! (2004) How do you do it, Oscar? This year was even more boring than last year, which was the boringest Academy Awards ever. (Yeah, you read right, boringest. Existing words cant do it justice.) It was also the most predictable year ever I was able to predict all five top winners, even though I was drunk when I saw the nominated films and performances. (Im drunk all the time!) There wasnt enough booze in the world to make the Leap Day Oscar-cast interesting. It started badly with Billy Crystals tired self-insertion into various movie clips (enough with your Sammy Davis, Jr. impression, and put a shirt on!), and got worse with Billy Crystals even more tired song parodies about the Best Picture nominees. Is there anything creepier than the star of MY GIANT crooning about MYSTIC RIVER (it rhymes with chopped liver! And SEABUSCUIT rhymes with brisket!), while sitting in the lap of an extremely uncomfortable Clint Eastwood? (Yes, there is: every time they cut to non-nominated seat-filler Elijah Wood, eyeballing all the action with his weird Hobbit eyeballs.) Then things got duller than a plastic butter knife, as LOTR3 won every award except Best Documentary Short and Best Performance By A Shit-Hot Lady Who Is Willing To Look Ugly For A Month To Finally Get The Recognition All Uninteresting Model/Actresses Deserve, Especially Ones Who Are From South Africa And Date Equally Uninteresting Male Model/Actor Types. Oscar Fun Fact: The Oscars arent fun. I lost track of the number of times, in acceptance speeches and post-show interviews, actors and filmmakers referred to their "journey." What the fuck are they talking about? They didnt go anywhere. Merely shooting a movie in Los Angeles cant be called a "journey." Sure, those LOTR freaks had to go to New Zealand, but once they got there the "journey" ended. (And while Im at it, I wish that just once, when someone uses the ridiculously overused expression, "at the end of the day," their statement then concludes, "I go home, have dinner and go to bed.") One more thing about Billy Crystal: he referred to Johnny Depp as "Jack Valentis worst nightmarea slightly gay pirate." Sure, Valenti is against movie piracy, but does he also have a problem with the slightly gay? And now, some movies that wont be nominated for Oscars next year! WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT Population: A bunch of assholes. (And Maura Tierney.) TWISTED Ashley Judd plays an expert on the criminal mind, even though she couldnt even pull off a believable performance as an expert on the mind of a dumb actress. THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST If you want to see a movie in which the lead character deserves to get beaten and tortured, skip this and rent any other Mel Gibson movie.* STARSKY AND HUTCH Loved Starsky, hated Hutch.** HIDALGO A feast for the eyes!*** CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN If I wanted to hear the innermost thoughts of a drama queen, Id watch myself on VH1S 100 HOTTEST HOTTIES.

EUROTRIP Eurotripe. AGENT CODY BANKS 2: DESTINATION LONDON Theyve replaced Angie Harmon with Anthony Anderson, so I say, "Fuck that!" BROKEN LIZARDS CLUB DREAD If CLUB PARADISE and I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER 2 had a baby, that would be pretty strange because movies cant have babies. *LETHAL WEAPON, LETHAL WEAPON 2, LETHAL WEAPON 3, LETAL WEAPON 4, PAYBACK, MAVERICK, etc. **Actually, I dont know which is which. ***But not so good on the nose. Thursday, April 29, 2004 I LOVE MOVIES (The Girl Next to the Girl Killing Bill) I love taxes! Tax time is such a wonderful season. I'll never forget the year I got $50,000 back on my taxes. And the I.R.S. won't let it go, either. (Tenacious little nerds.) But they need a good laugh just like anyone, so under profession, do what I do (!) - write Tax Cheat. Since I'm in THE MARIJUANA-LOGUES, I wanted to deduct my pot expenses, but my dealer refuses to give me a receipt. Well, that's enough tax humor, because there's plenty of taxing motion pictures to talk about! CONNIE AND CARLA I cant decide between A drag and Gay. So lets go with both. KILL BILL VOL. 2 - Its Quentin Tarantino at his most Tarantino-esque! See hot ladies fighting. See Uma Thurman's ugly feet (again!). See David Carradine make a sandwich! ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND - Eternal, and then some. YOUNG ADAM - Who wants to see Ewan McGregor's light saber again?* THE ALAMO To capitalize on the success of Billy Bob Thorntons last film, they shouldve called this one, BAD ALAMO. JERSEY GIRL A Kevin Smith Flick (his word, not mine) without dirty dialogue? Fuck that in the bloody ass! THE GIRL NEXT DOOR The good news: this isnt one of those turns-out-the-girl-next-door-isnt-really-aporn -star-it-was-just-a-misunderstanding movies. The bad news: it is one of those girl-next-door-wants-to-quit -being-a-porn-star-and-you-never-even-get-to-see-her-naked movies. SCOOBY DOO 2: MYSTERY OF THE UNWARRANTED SEQUEL Just as Linda Cardellini surpasses Sarah Michelle Gellar in hotness, SCOOBY DOO 2 surpasses SCOOBY DOO 1 in stupidness.** THE LADYKILLERS - Tom Hanks gives his funniest performance since PHILADELPHIA!

*Not me! **Didnt see 2, slept through 1 on a plane.

Friday, May 14, 2004 I LOVE MOVIES! (13 Going on Troy) You know that older guy in a hooded sweatshirt sitting by himself at matinees of movies like NEW YORK MINUTE and MEAN GIRLS? Thats me! TROY Youll marvel at Brad Pitts Triple Lutz Death Stab, youll giggle at lines like The Trojans have never been conquered, and, during the lengthy battle sequences, youll fight to stay awake! COFFEE AND CIGARETTES Ill pass on both, thanks. If they made a movie called POT AND WAFFLES, Id be all over it! NEW YORK MINUTE If I had to choose a favorite between Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen (and thank goodness I dont!), Id go with Ashley because shes already got a stripper name. VAN HELSING Kate Beckinsale has been adorable in horrible movies since 1993, but the latest offering from the director of THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS is without a doubt the latest offering from the director of THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS. MEAN GIRLS (aka CHECK OUT THE BOOBS ON LINDSAY LOHAN!) Forget comparisons to HEATHERS, the cafeteria cliques scene is lifted right out of the Katie Holmes movie DISTURBING BEHAVIOR. I cant tell you how sad I am about noticing that. MAN ON FIRE Tony Scott shows us once again that revenge is a dish best served with pretty photography and choppy editing. 13 GOING ON 30 Gave me 6 going on 6 and a half!

Monday, June 21, 2004 I LOVE MOVIES! (Terminal Shrek) Sorry I havent written any reviews in a while, but Ive been busy occupying the center stool in a smash Off-Broadway hit and getting my fat face all over the Vh1 cable network. Did you see my impeccable impression of everyones favorite teenage wizard on BEST WEEK EVER? Two angry Harry Potter fans/freaks sure did! Although Im guessing it was just one sad dude with two different e-mail accounts. But in between reading internet hate missives, I squeezed out some time to make the trek through Manhattan humidity and pay $10.25 (for a matinee, for crying out fuck!) to see a few of the movies below. Guess which ones I actually saw and win absolutely nothing! SHREK 2 The ads say, If you havent seen it twice, you havent seen it at all! Since I will never see it at all, its like Ive seen it once! SOUL PLANE If Bill Cosby and Spike Lee hate it, its gotta be funny! THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW Not just a disaster movie, a disaster in general. One of the worst things to ever happen to me. And Ive been to Houston, Texas!* This global warming/freezing catastrophe is being hyped as the movie George Bush doesnt want you to see. Thanks for the tip, G.W., but youre still not getting my vote! Dennis Quaid is unconvincing as the man who tries to convince the world that a stone cold shit-storm is a brewing. But even he doesnt realize that the shit is gonna go downTHE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! Then twisters hit Los Angeles and wolves take over Manhattan, and Jake Gyllenhaal tries to get some were-gonna-die-anyway-so-we-might-as-well-get-iton action, and apparently Will Smith was too busy fucking around with robots to save the day. THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK I dont know how Dame Judi Dench does it, but she gives me the opposite of a boner. RAISING HELEN - Perfect for an air-conditioned nap!

AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS And fortunately for circumnavigators Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan, this isnt the in-flight movie. THE TERMINAL Implausible! Illogical! Riddick-ulous! THE NOTEBOOK I cant see this weeper because Id be too distracted by the fact that Ryan Gosling resembles David Arquette, and Rachel MacAdams resembles someone I would like to put stuff in. *But I havent seen HAPPY, TEXAS.

Friday, July 16, 2004 I LOVE MOVIES! (Spiderman 911) This edition of I LOVE MOVIES is dedicated to Marlon Brando. Not because he was a legendary actor, but because that big blob of shit lived to be 80-years-old. Pass the butter! SPIDERMAN 2 If youre in a hurry to get somewhere in New York City, take the elevated train that runs through the center of Manhattan, serving as the stage for a big fight sequence between Spidey and Doc Ock. Its never very crowded, because it doesnt exist. And Peter Parker wants to have sex with Mary Jane, but he doesnt want to spin a web of deceitin her vagina.* ANCHORMAN I dont know about you, but I think its a bit too soon for another superhero movie. DE-LOVELY De-lousy. WHITE CHICKS Not to be confused with TWO BROTHERS. TWO BROTHERS Not to be confused with WHITE CHICKS. SLEEPOVER Its actually about a scavenger hunt, but the name SCAVENGER HUNT was already taken by a shitty 80s comedy. KING ARTHUR The true story of The Knights of The Round Table

would be better untold. Especially with a PG-13 rating. Beheadings lose a lot of their zip when they happen off camera, forcing you to rely on your imagination while listening to some foley guy stabbing a melon. I, ROBOT I, dont think so. FAHRENHEIT 9/11 Another movie that Republicans dont want you to see. Strangely, Democrats are asking people to avoid THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK. A CINDERELLA STORY I went to a midnight showing, and the theater was filled with pumpkins. Fart. THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR Remember Jeff Bridges and Kim Basinger in NADINE? I dont! *Yes, Ive resorted to quoting myself from BEST WEEK EVER. And fuck you. Monday, September 20, 2004 I LOVE MOVIES! (Catwoman and other summer turds) CATWOMAN Halle Berry actually takes on cat-like behavior, scarfing down sushi, hiding from rain and sleeping on a shelf. And yet not one bad guy tries to distract her with a ball of yarn. (String is her Kryptonite!) THE VILLAGE Every M. Night Shyamalan movie is exactly 114 minutes long. Some joke about exactly how boring they are here. THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE One critic said, No one in the audience will be able to exhale during the last 30 minutes of this film, and thats just not a risk Im willing to take. HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE This movie inspired meto write a screenplay called DOUG BENSON GETS A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF MCGRIDDLES! SHE HATE ME She not alone.

GARDEN STATE Its like a darker version of the TV show SCRUBS, but you watch it in a movie theater. Or on DVD three months from now. Or not at all. LITTLE BLACK BOOK I would like to fuck the crazy out of Brittany Murphy. I dont know if its possible, but Id like to try. WITHOUT A PADDLE Its the vacation from hell! OPEN WATER Based on true events. Boring true events.

ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID - No thanks, I do enough hunting for blood orchids in my spare time.

Thursday, October 07, 2004 I LOVE STAR WARS! George Lucas recently gave an interview to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY to promote the release of the directors cut versions of the first three STAR WARS movies that just came out on DVD. What follows are actual real (true!) quotes from George, along with what I would say if he said that shit to me DOUG BENSON: Why the fuck did you have to go and add a bunch of useless crap to the original trilogy? GEORGE LUCAS: When STAR WARS came out, I said it didnt turn out the way I wantedits 25 percent of what I wanted it to be. DOUG BENSON: 75 percent of the movie wasnt there? Funny, it seemed pretty complete to me. GL: So the choice came down to, do I please myself and [finally] make the movie I wanted, or do I allow the audience to see the half-finished version that they fell in love with? DB: Half-finished? Thats only 50 percent. GL: If you really look at it, theres hardly any changes at all. DB: First you say 75 percent, then 50 percent, then hardly any changesare you retarded? GL: The thing that really caused the trouble on STAR WARS is the whole question of whether Han Solo or Greedo shoots first. DB: Yeah, Han Solo understandably shoots Greedo because Greedo is holding him at gunpoint. GL: He didnt shoot first. DB: But he did. I saw it. At least 50 times. GL: In my mind [Greedo] shot first or at the same time.

DB: Sounds like you really dont know what your mind thinks. GL: We like to think of [Han Solo] as a murderer because thats hip... DB: Yeah, murderers are awesome!! GL: I mean, I dont see how you can redeem somebody who kills people in cold blood. DB: Greedo, the green ant-eater faced monster, is a person now? Youre so crazy, I wanna have your baby. GL: Every other change is, you know, I wanted to have a good matte painting in here. DB: So youre saying STAR WARS is 75 percent matte paintings? I thought it was mostly characters and plot and shit. But then again, Im not a filmmaking genius, Im just an asshole comedian. GL: Half of directing is great casting. DB: You should really stop throwing around percentages. GL: It really is. If you cast it right, you dont have to do much work. DB: That kid you hired to play young Anakin in PHANTOM MENACE was terrific. GL: I said, well [PHANTOM MENACE] is not going to work because Im making it about a ten-year-old boy, and nobody is going to want to see this. DB: I certainly wish I didnt. GL: And then [ATTACK OF THE CLONES] is a love story. DB: No wonder I didnt like it. Love is stupid. GL: Its not a hip, happening romantic comedy with the Olsen twins. DB: Um, I know youve been busy making horrible movies, but theres no such thing as a hip, happening romantic comedy with the Olsen twins. GL: So at least Darth Vader is in [EPISODE III]. Only for two minutes, but

hes in it. If you take them all together its a fascinating saga. DB: Oh, I get it, if I see EPISODE III next May it will magically make EPISODES I and II not suck. Im gonna go get in line right now! Monday, December 06, 2004 I LOVE MOVIES! (Get Closer to the Kranks) Just once Id like to see a "fish out of water" story like the last Hilary Duff movie where the fish out of water dies. Because that is what actually happens to a fish out of water. CLOSER Just because Julia Roberts recently gave birth to twins, and Natalie Portman is young enough to be my younger sister, dont think Im not gonna go to this movie in my trench coat and do what I gotta do. NATIONAL TREASURE - If you like comedy, romance and kick-ass actionyou should see something else. CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS - I didnt think this movie would be my cup of tea, but as it turns out, its a cup of shit. ALEXANDER So long and boring, by the time Rosario Dawson got naked, I was asleep.* VERA DRAKE If you love abortions, youll love it! BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON Like Im gonna fall for that again! KINSEY A movie about sex that is so not sexy, my boner went into hibernation til spring. *In my home.

Thursday, January 06, 2005 I LOVE MOVIES! (Ocean's Rwanda) Some guy named Dave who has a blog with some other dudes called CIRCUS OF LIES had some shit to say about me. You might ask, how did I find this blog? Excellent line of questioning, Columbo, but Ill save us some time and confess: I Googled myself. Then I proceeded to jerk off, because reading about myself makes me harder than math. Heres what I read before making a mess on my Mac "It's fun to look through the archives, but what hilariousness does Doug have to bestow on us in regard to "Ocean's 12," "Flight of the Phoenix," or "Phantom of the Opera." I guess we'll never know, because Doug is too busy doing some Off-broadway drug show thing that I'm told is funny but surely will never see. This is a call-out Benson, how hard can it be to write single sentences about bad movies so I can fill another 7-8 minutes of my empty life?" Well, Dave, Ive been too busy smoking pot and then talking about smoking pot to see the movies you mentioned, but here goes! OCEANS 12 Its just like OCEANS 11, but with one more forgettable supporting character! FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX Its also like OCEANS 11, but with a plane crash. PHANTOM OF THE OPERA A film version of a Broadway musical directed by Joel Schumacher. Somebody call Guiness, weve found the gayest thing ever! HOTEL RWANDA I think the Eagles said it best when they sang, "You can check out any time you want, but you can never be sure you wont perish in a horrible, senseless genocide." THE AVIATOR Oh, sure, he was an aviator, but they also couldve called it THE NUTCASE WHO STORES HIS OWN URINE IN MILK BOTTLES. BLADE: TRINITY Its THE GODFATHER III of BLADE movies! SIDEWAYS Paul Giamatti puts the "whine" and the "cunt" in wine country.

THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU When I went to see THE LIFE AQAUTIC, I accidentally saw THE SEA INSIDE instead. I sat there thinking, "This isnt funny, but Bill Murrays Spanish is impeccable." Then when I actually did see THE LIFE AQUATIC, I thought, "This isnt funny, but Bill Murrays Spanish is impeccable." A LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG Key word: Long. THE ASSASSINATION OF RICHARD NIXON Finally Sean Penn makes another comedy. Welcome back, Spicoli! FINDING NEVERLAND Make a left at Michael Jacksons giraffe. Tuesday, February 08, 2005 I LOVE MOVIES! (Assault on Wedding Date 13) One time, while I was doing a stand-up comedy gig in Melbourne, Florida, a comedian buddy named Scott Herriott and I went to a multi-plex to see FRESH HORSES, which starred Andrew McCarthy, Molly Ringwald and, in a supporting role, Ben Stiller. It was not good. As we left the theater late that night, we realized that we could climb up onto the marquee overlooking the highway and rearrange the letters of the various titles. So, because the road can be a boring place, we fixed the marquee so that it saidFRESH HORSESHIT. (This inadvertently, and almost as humorously, changed one of the other titles to CLARAS EAR.) A few years later, I had the opportunity to tell Ben Stiller that story. He was not amused. But I sat through MEET THE FOCKERS, so were even. THE WEDDING DATE Its just like PRETTY WOMAN, but with Debra Messing in the Hector Elizondo role. BOOGEYMAN Based on a true pile of bullshit. HIDE AND SEEK Not nearly as scary as UPTOWN GIRLS. ALONE IN THE DARK Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorffthe prosecution rests. ASSUALT ON PRECINCT 13 With so much loud gunplay, its more like an assault on my two balls. COACH CARTER Id watch almost anything that has Samuel L. Jackson in it. Almost.

ELEKTRA Needs a good kick in the kunt. IN GOOD COMPANY The most entertaining and provocative movie of the year, if you are easily entertained and/or provoked. (Besides, its only February.) THE WOODSMAN The guy at the theater who tore my ticket said, "Enjoy the show." I asked him if he thought I would "enjoy" a movie about a child molester. He said, "Yes." And he was right. Its fun to play the Kevin Bacon Zero Degrees of Separation from Little Girls Game! Wednesday, March 02, 2005 I LOVE OSCARS! (2005!) You know I love movies, so it only makes sense that I cant get enough of the annual ceremony where Hollywood kisses its own collective cinematic ass. Here are some of the things I liked about the whatever-eth annual Academy Awards...

I liked that Hilary Swank won for MILLION DOLLAR BABY, because when I was a kid, SWANK was my favorite adult magazine. Plus "swank!" is the sound her head made when it hit that stool (oh shit spoiler alert!).

I liked when Chris Rock said that Jude Law was in too many movies last year. (Because its true!)

I liked how Best Animated Film presenter Robin Williams managed to work in his decades old impressions of Elmer Fudd and Marlon Brando. (Always a scream!)

I liked Scarlett Johanssons balcony. I mean, when Scarlett Johansson was IN the balcony. It was awkward AND she has great tits!

I liked when they packed every famous performer from the Latino community into one section of the show. Paul Rodriguez mustve been sitting at home going "boo hoo." Or however you say it in Spanish. Im not cry-lingual.

I liked Antonio Bander-ass singing the nominated song from THE MOTORCYLCE DIARIES (with a motorcycle sitting nearby but no

diary!). But if he doesnt ease up on the smoldering, hes gonna melt his wifes face!

I liked when Sean Penn defended Jude Law. Spicoli has got Alfies back! (But apparently its okay to say whatever you want about Colin Farrell.)

I liked how P. Diddy referred to THE POLAR EXPRESS as a "very hip" film. Because there is nothing cooler than THE POLAR EXPRESS yo!

I didnt like it when the E! network kept red carpet reporter Kathy Griffin away from the real celebrities. What kind of world do we live in? Ill tell you! A world where Kathy Griffin doesnt get to ask Morgan Freeman if he sleeps with hookers! Its makes me sick!

And I liked Jamie Foxxs acceptance speech, because it was practically the exact same speech he gave when he won the Golden Globe last month. Hey, take it from Robin Williams, if it aint broke, dont change it!

But my absolute favorite moment was when it was over.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005 I LOVE MOVIES! (Be Cool Hitch!) I LOVE E-MAIL! Dear Doug, I've noticed that I've been eating a lot more ice cream lately. Could I be pregnant or am I just gay? -Tyler Dear Tyler, Yes. -Doug

HITCH Its laugh-out-of-your-fart-hole funny! And fart-out-of-yourlaugh-hole awful. BE COOL "A non-stop laugh riot!" Bill Zwecker, some asshole TV critic who likes to see his name in print HOSTAGE Captivating! Doug Benson, some asshole internet critic THE PACIFIER High-octane fun! If you sniff a gas rag first.* CONSTANTINE Its like THE MATRIX: PART FOUR. No, and thank you! MAN OF THE HOUSE Tommy Lee Jones lives in a house full of cheerleaders and doesnt bang the shit out of any of them. So I guess theyre using the word "man" loosely. THE JACKET A mind-blowing thriller! But I prefer the dick-blowing kind. CURSED Available on home video tomorrow! *Gas rag not included. Monday, May 02, 2005 I LOVE SUMMER MOVIES! It's time for my last annual summer movie preview. Slap on some sun block and enjoy, ya cock-rubbers! KICKING AND SCREAMING Will Ferrell plays the coach of a kiddie soccer team. Isnt it a tad early in his career to be stealing from Rodney Dangerfield?* STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH If its anything like the last 2.5 STAR WARS movies, itll be a giant mound of shith. CINDERELLA MAN Russell Crowe plays the title pugilist. Is he called that because he has a glass jaw? I cant wait to not find out! BATMAN RETURNS INSOMNIA director Christopher Nolan takes over the Batman franchise. Im sleepy already! HERBIE: FULLY LOADED Which is what Ill need to be to sit through a re-make of THE LOVE BUG. Holla!

FANTASTIC FOUR From the director of BARBERSHOP. Awwww, no he didnt! WAR OF THE WORLDS Look out, computer generated effects are attacking America's favorite Scientologist! BEWITCHED If anyone can fuck up a Will Ferrell comedy, its Nora Ephron! CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY Fans of the original need not worry: Tim Burton left in the Oompah Loompahs AND the reveal of the Statue of Liberty at the end. Gloop! THE DUKES OF HAZARD Finally the phrase "Check out Jessica Simpsons ass!" is not a reference to Nick Lachey. *LADYBUGS!

Thursday, June 02, 2005 I LOVE MOVIES IS BACK! People come up to me all the time and say, "Why dont you write reviews more often?" Then I scream at them, "Why dont YOU write reviews movie often?!!" And then they walk away puzzled and irritated (and a little aroused). But the bottom line is, Hollywood makes crap faster than I can smell it. So I wrote a summer movie preview just to get everybody off my back for a few months. It didnt work. So here are some new reviews. I dont want to hear a peep out of you biatch-tards for at least three weeks. (If you really cant get enough of me, check out my daily blog at www.myspaceisqueer.com.) THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS They should get together with the Ya Ya Sisterhood and then fuck off. MADAGASCAR If I wanted to spend two hours with talking animals, Id visit my family. THE LONGEST YARD Are movies getting smaller, or did Courtney

Cox-Arquettes tits get bigger? STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH - I wasnt bored for a minute. I was bored for 142 minutes!* MONSTER-IN-LAW Makes me wish I could murder a movie. KINGDOM OF HEAVEN Hella dull. HOUSE OF WAX Prey. Slay. Display. Gay. THE INTERPRETER Sean Penn and Nicole Kidman, together for the first waste of time! UNLEASHED Id prefer to see a movie called UNHINGED, about a door that, when taken off of its hinges, goes nuts and kicks the shit out of people. THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY I cant wait to check it out three months from now on a plane! *Recycled joke from my review of HULK. Wednesday, July 06, 2005 I LOVE MOVIES! (War of the Fantastic Herbies) Theres an old joke that Woody Allen tells in ANNIE HALL that ends with a line like "The food is terrible. And such small portions." That came to mind when I checked out the four alternate endings attached to the DVD version of the Deniro/Fanning match-up HIDE AND SEEK. All of the endings are terrible. And they are really short. (And still too long.) Now lets talk about some other movies that (smart) people wont see in theaters because they would rather watch them at home for a dollar! DARK WATER Distinguished actress and Academy Award winner Jennifer Connelly...in a wet t-shirt! FANTASTIC FOUR This is a funny coincidence, because my nickname for Jessica Alba has always been The Fantastic Four.* WAR OF THE WORLDS The moral of this movie isdont have kids.

Because they will slow your ass down when you are trying to run from an alien invasion. BEWITCHED The worst Nora Ephron movie ever. Congrats, Nora! BATMAN BEGINS Bruce Wayne is played by Christian Bale, and Batman is played by Henry Rollins. MR. AND MRS. SMITH Cover all of your holes Brad and Angelina, because I wanna put stuff in em! LAND OF THE DEAD John Leguizamo does not die soon enough. THE HONEYMOONERS John Leguizamo does not die soon enough. HERBIE: FULLY LOADED Rumor has it Lindsay Lohans breasts were digitally reduced because they didnt test well with parents. I bet they did test well with teenage boys, lesbians and babies. *For her ass, her belly, her boob and her other boob.

Thursday, September 15, 2005 I LOVE MOVIES! (The Constant Capote) The week before last I did stand-up for a week in Atlantic City. The hotel/casino where I was staying has a video screen in the elevator(s) that plays a different movie each day. The elevator only takes a minute or so to get to my floor, but it's nice that they give riders something to do besides staring at the floor. Monday the ele-movie was BATMAN (not RETURNS, or FOREVER, or AND ROBIN, or BEGINS, or the Adam West one). Tuesday was RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Wednesday was OCTOPUSSY - featuring the classic Bond villain, Eight-Twat McGee. Thursday was THE SOUND OF MUSIC, which isn't nice at all to inflict on innocent gamblers losing a shitload of money and then hearing Julie Andrews and a bunch of kids singing is not one of my favorite things. Friday was SHREK (Donkey!). Saturday was THE WIZARD OF OZ, which just made me want to go home - and fuck some ruby slippers. Sunday was some old black & white Spencer Tracy shit. I think it was FATHER OF THE BRIDE (Or JUDGEMENT AT NUREMBERG.) And on Labor Day, the movie was ROCKY (not II, III, IV OR V), but NORMA RAE would've been more appropriate, if you think about it. (Dont think about it.) Now, some crap coming to an Atlantic City elevator soon! CORPSE BRIDE I assume the title character is based on Lindsay Lohan. FLIGHTPLAN Why didnt they just call it PANIC PLANE and then not make it?

JUST LIKE HEAVEN A romance between a dead girl and a living dude is stupid because its impossible to fuck a ghost. (No friction!) A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE Finally someone found a way to get me to pay attention to history. AN UNFINISHED LIFE Robert Redford should go ahead and finish it already. THE MAN "A comedy that totally rocks! Hollywoods oddest pairing sizzles!" Jim Ferguson, a dumbshit who loves seeing his own name in print* THE CAVE I assume the title character is based on Sharon Stone. CAPOTE I predict this movies theatrical run will be just like Truman Capote in real life. Short, and full of dicks. THE CONSTANT GARDENER Would be a lot more exciting if it was actually about a guy who was gardening constantly. THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED Golf? Good one! MARGARET CHO: ASSASSIN The only thing she kills is the feeling in my ass. TRANSPORTER 2 Its better than the original, like when you take a shit and then say, "that was better than the last shit I took!" THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE A thriller that makes you think. Thoughts like, "I could be home taking a better shit!" RED EYE I assume the title character is based on me. *Enjoy it, stupid!

Friday, October 14, 2005 I LOVE MOVIES (Everything is Elizabethtown) I googled myself and found a dude's blog where he cut and pasted a bunch of my reviews, followed by these comments amazing how easily amused some people are. posted by zzz Movie critics are entertaining if you're a moron who doesn't like to think for yourself. posted by random person that's an original thought. posted by more like random idiot

I once stood behind Doug Benson on an escalator, and I think he farted. posted by Francis So, what's my point? Don't google yourself. Or stop spending your afternoons riding escalators and farting. Instead, go see some smelly movies! DOMINO - Style over substance abuse. ELIZABETHTOWN - Don't go there. IN HER SHOES - This movie can Manolo Blow me . OLIVER TWIST - May I have less, please? THUMBSUCKER - See CHUMSCRUBBER. CHUMSCRUBBER - On second thought, don't see CHUMSCRUBBER or THUMBSUCKER. good night and good luck. - Made by commies, for commies. WHERE THE TRUTH LIES - Beneath two hours of utter bullshit. INTO THE BLUE - At least Jessica Alba doesn't turn invisible this time.* THE FOG - I love scary movies, because I like the feeling of urine dripping down my leg.** EVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED - With each film he does, it becomes more and more clear that Elijah Wood is a weirdo. *I wish her clothes would disappear. **Someone else's urine. Tuesday, December 13, 2005 I LOVE MOVIES The Chronicles of Kong A few weeks ago I was on a two hour flight sitting across the aisle from a teenage boy and his mother who, I swear to semi-mighty Jesus, took turns reading to each other from THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE WITCH, THE LION AND THE OTHER THING. The boy would read one chapter, and then at the end of it say, "Your turn!" And then the mother would read a chapter...out-fucking-loud! It drove me batfart crazy. But it didn't seem to bother anyone else on the plane, so i didn't feel like I could say anything about it. I figured if I asked them to quit it, they would tell me there's no rules against reading aloud on a plane, or they would stop and make me feel bad for ruining their (idea of) fun. So i sat there and did nothing except stew in my irritation. The upside: I lost three pounds! But enough about my ball sweat, let's shit on some movies! KING KONG - A total rip-off, because in three hours of Naomi Watts hanging from cliffs and vines and the Empire State Building, there is not one shot looking up her dress. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE - What happens in the back of a wardrobe should stay in the back of a wardrobe.* SYRIANA - Just keep telling yourself it's confusing on purpose.

JUST FRIENDS - I can't commit to sitting through it. AEON FLUX - Sux. MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA - Hookers have never been this boring! WALK THE LINE - I don't care who the celebrity bio-pic is about, the section depicting "recovery" is always a good time to take a shit/snack break. And then never come back BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - Before this movie, I thought all cowboys boned each other out on the range. MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS - Before this movie, I thought I'd have to live my entire life without seeing some Bob Hoskins cock. TRANSAMERICA - Lady with a dick alert! YOURS, MINE & OURS - I hate children. And math. THE FAMILY STONE - If it was THE FAMILY STONED, I still wouldn't go! CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2 Math and kids again? Fuck off. *Especially when it involves talking beavers.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 I LOVE OSCAR BAIT! ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY recently printed a list of "25 Movies To See Before Oscar Night." Since I always do everything ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY tells me to do thanks for tricking me into seeing the (thankfully) last bore-fest from MerchantIvory, EW! - I sat through every one 'em. Now, you don't have to!* BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN Don't panic homophobes, you totally get to see Michelle Williams and Anne Hathaways boobies when they have sex with the gay cowboys. CRASH Dare to not like it, you racist! GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK It must be really smart if it's in black and white! Nice try, Clooney.

MUNICH Attention evildoers: get your terrorism tips here! CINDERELLA MAN If Oscar doesn't call, Russell Crowe will throw a phone at his face. WALK THE LINE It's just like RAY, but no black people! (Yay!) SYRIANA It must be important if an actor gains 40 pounds for it! Nice try again, Clooney. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE Should've been called A HISTORY OF SLAPSTICK VIOLENCE. Was the last twenty minutes directed by John Landis? THE CONSTANT GARDENER Okay, so I really didn't see all 25 of these fuckers. CAPOTE There's another movie about Truman Capote coming out soon, so Ill just wait and not see that one, either. TRANSAMERICA I'll hold out for the sequel, TRANSEUROPEAN VACATION. NORTH COUNTRY Why doesn't Aeon Flux just kick the shit out of that dirty, toothless miner/rapist? Or blow him and then kill him like in MONSTER? PRIDE & PREJUDICE It's the second best movie on this list with an ampersand in the title! MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA Who likes Chinese actors playing Japanese characters speaking in phonetic English? I don't! MATCH POINT I wouldn't want to belong to a tennis club that has Woody Allen as a member. MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS I got Dench'd! KING KONG It's TITANIC, JURASSIC PARK and the original KING KONG rolled into none! HUSTLE & FLOW Better than PRIDE & PREJUDICE!

THE SQUID AND THE WHALE The best movie on this list that could've used an ampersand in the title but didn't! JUNEBUG I haven't seen it yet, but it's second on my Netflix queue, right after SUICIDEGIRLS: THE FIRST TOUR. THE UPSIDE OF ANGER If you liked director Mike Binder's HBO series MIND OF THE MARRIED MAN, you're an idiot! THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN Anyone who doesn't have sex with a willing hottie just because she threw up on him deserves to die a virgin (and remain a virgin in hell). CACHE (HIDDEN) Uh, I hate to break this to you, EW - this movie isn't eligible for Best Foreign Film because it's the work of a Dutch filmmaker but it's all in French. (Dumbass rule, Oscar-givers!) SHOPGIRL Also known as STEVE MARTIN'S GUIDE TO FUCKING YOUNG WOMEN. THE CHRONCICLES OF NARNIA I would've liked to see that lion nailed to a cross.

*You're welcome. Wednesday, April 12, 2006 I LOVE MOVIES! (Brick Instinct) I know, I know, it's been a while. I've been busy. Doing shit. Turns out Doug not only loves movies, he also loves drugs and television. (VH1'S CELEBRITY EYE CANDY is the best/worst thing that ever happened to me.) But I ran out of weed this morning, and my cable got cut off because I forgot to pay the bill, so I've got some time to take a look at films you probably won't be taking a look at. (And I probably won't as well!) THE WILD - It's as if MADAGASCAR is getting the re-release it richly deserves!

LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN - It would be too easy to say it slucks. But it does. PHAT GIRLZ - Phucking sluckz. TAKE THE LEAD - I could relate to this drama about a man teaching teenagers to dance in a basement, because I teach kids to dance in a van. BRICK - A twist filled who-gives-a-shit! BASIC INSTINCT 2 - Makes you wonder why they haven't gotten around to making BREAKIN' 3: ELECTRIC BOOGALEE. V FOR VENDETTA - More like V FOR VERBOSE. Shut up and kill some people already. FAILURE TO LAUNCH - A romantic comedy, minus the comedy and minus the romantic. ULTRAVIOLET - The whole Milla Jovovich video game sub-genre can fuck off. On my dick.