Oasis Womens Ministry Kingdom Commitment The Vow June 22, 2012

(Welcome and prayer) INTRO TO SERIES When we get married, many of us have an exact image of what we think marriage will be like. We envision ourselves cleaning the house and cooking a great meal with full make-up on and each hair exactly in place. Afterwards, well sit side by side by the fireplace and hell rub our feet while listening to us share our emotions. Hell be so swept away by the beauty of our tears that he will also open up and share the depths of his heart, most of which revolves around how complete he feels when he is with us. Marriage. When we arent in it, we think we know what it will be like. Weve heard the sermons, read some books, seen it played out on TV and movies, and watched all those around us work their way through it. We have a specific idea of what it must be like to be married. But once were actually in the marriage, we realize that until youre in it, you just cant know what its like. Its sort of like having kids! I heard this quote recently that describes marriage perfectly: From the outside looking in, you dont understand it, and from the inside looking out, you cant describe it. Just because marriage is a path that can only be practiced and learned by walking through it doesnt mean there arent specific guidelines and lovingly placed commands that can make it beautiful, successful and holy. What we want to do in our Kingdom Marriage series is to take a look at those guidelines. God knows that our own human selfishness and our unfair expectations will not lead us to happily ever after. Well be left holding the glass slipper but missing the prince. Well fester and rage against the very person God gave to us to walk through life with. Without His direction, God knows that we cannot possibly make something beautiful out of our marriage. There is no happily ever after without Him. But with God, we get something so much more wonderful. When we do things Gods way, in life and in marriage, we can be absolutely certain that it will work out for our good and for our joy.

INTRO TO TONIGHTS TOPIC So with that in mind, lets start unpacking what God has revealed to us through the Bible about marriage. Tonight were going to start with the concept of Kingdom Commitment. The word commitment makes me think of a story. A chicken and a pig were talking with each other about providing breakfast for their master, the farmer. The chicken suggested they serve him a breakfast of bacon and eggs to which the pig replied, For you thats a contribution, but for me thats a commitment. According to society today, the view of commitment in marriage is that it is completely unnecessary. Marriage is temporary and commitment is measured by our emotions. When those emotions dictate that the relationship is no longer making a person happy, any commitment is severed. When we begin treating marriage as an optional, temporary thing, we begin deconstructing and unraveling the very foundation of society. In a book that was published in 1983, I recently found this quote: Any statistician can compute that if the current rate of divorce continues, we will have NO husband-wife families by the year 2008! Divorce rates are so high that societys best answer is cohabitation. But God has a better answer. WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY IT LOOKS LIKE TO BE COMMITTED TO ONE ANOTHER IN A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE? It is Kingdom Commitment. Biblically speaking, being committed to our spouse means that we will be in this relationship until the day we leave this earth. In Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus tells us, 4 Havent you read, he replied, that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female,[a]5 and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. This command carries enough weight on its own. But we also see it echoed in the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:10, 20, and 39. He tells us, 10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. And 20 Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them. He also compels us to remain committed to our marriage in verse 39 when he says, 39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. In Kingdom Marriage, commitment is for life. A marriage relationship is a covenant between the husband, wife, and God. A covenant with God is an unconditional promise of His faithfulness regardless of what we
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choose to do on our end. Covenant relationships are in opposition to what a good number of us live out every day. We normally say we will do our part if the other person fulfills their part which is a contract, not a covenant. That type of relationship has conditions. God, in contrast, is not in a contract with us. He doesnt state that He will love and save us if only if we dont violate our part of the deal. In the same way, Kingdom Marriage is not a contract whereby someone can walk away or void the contract when the other doesnt meet the required criteria. So, to put that in everyday language, we cannot love our spouse with a contractual mindset. We must love them with covenant love. In covenant, there is no way out. The Scriptures point out that for a covenant to be formed, there had to be a death. In marriage covenant, we must accept that we are to die to ourselves so that our covenant can take place. When we enter into marriage, we are no longer our own. Jesus held nothing back when He went to the cross for us. He didnt claim any of His own rights as His to withhold. We must choose to love our spouse in the same way. What this really all boils down to is will we trust God to take care of our needs when we choose to love a spouse that isnt? Can we believe that He will sustain us and even give us joy in the midst of a hard marriage? Since God instituted marriage from the beginning (Genesis 2:24), only He has the authority to say what does and does not break up a marriage. In Matthew 19:9, Jesus says, I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immortality, and marries another woman commits adultery. Here, Jesus gives one example that is so damaging to the marriage covenant that He allows for a release of that covenant. The other example in Scripture is abandonment (1 Cor 7:15). I believe these two examples are a type of breach of the marriage covenant that are so drastic and extreme that God in His mercy allows for a release of that covenant. I believe there are a few other situations that fit in the same category that are not explicitly addressed in Scripture. One example would be physical abuse of the wife or children or where someone is in danger in the home. God wants to remind us again and again of His heart on the matter. He hates divorce in the same way a parent hates the virus that attacks their child. The virus makes the child miserable, and the parents dont want that for their child. God hates divorce because it is painful to His children, but in some extreme situations, God allows us to be released from the covenant that has been broken. If we are Christians, however, and if there is a repentant heart, God does not command divorce but rather His heart is for restoration and healing. God is always about redemption and in any situation where there is willingness, He can make new things spring up from dry places. He is also loving and understanding beyond our comprehension and, therefore, allows us freedom from situations that are extreme breaches of the marriage covenant. Again, these situations are not up to our discretion but are laid out in Scripture.
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WHAT ARE THE CHALLENGES TO COMMITMENT IN MARRIAGE? There might be some of you tonight who hear these principles and understand what is expected, but youre faced every single day with something that is just so miserable that you just want out. I say this with tenderness and compassion towards your specific situations, but the truth of Scripture is ultimate. We tend to use the question, Does it make me happy? as our truth meter. It is a dangerous thing to consider love and life in terms of happiness and emotional stirrings. Theres no safety, no comfort, no foundation in a love relationship that is dictated solely by happiness or feelings. God loves us so much but that love is more concerned with our characters being conformed to that of our Savior more so than our happiness. If you think about it, many of us arent happy in our jobs at work, but we stay with those companies for years and years without trying to get out. It is a sad state of our society that were more committed to our jobs in many cases than we are to our marriages. We reason that if we arent happy in this marriage, maybe its because we arent in love anymore. We must not have married The One, and now we have to get out of this marriage so that we can go find The One who can make us truly happy. Again, happiness is the driving force here. Scripture tells us that only God can meet all our needs and looking to another person will never satisfy. Do you know how you can tell if your spouse is The One? He is The One if you are married to him. Period. If he wasnt The One before you married him, he is now! I know there are some women here who hear these principles and think, That all sounds great! If only my husband were willing to lead. If only he were someone who was trustworthy. If only he did the things that my friends husband did. If only my husband didnt embarrass me or squelch my personality or if only he was there for me emotionally. Again, I do not want to minimize the trials you may be walking through in your marriage, but beloved, the things your spouse does or doesnt do does not make your covenant with him null or void. Your calling as a wife is completely independent from his behavior and actions. You must choose to obey Gods calling for you no matter what happens with your spouses response. Your love and respect for him cannot be conditional, no matter the condition. If your husband is a challenging man to be married to, you still have a job to stay married to him, to honor and respect him, to encourage him, and to love him like Christ loves the church. Dr. Larry Crabb, a man of God and a counselor, once had a woman come into his office. She was distraught. Dr. Crabb, she said, Ive tried everything. I have begged my husband, I have tried strategies, I have worked on making our marriage better. But
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there is just so much pain there and he is so unreceptive. I dont feel like I have any other options than divorce. Dr. Crabb asked the woman if she would be willing to try an experiment with him. She agreed. Dr. Crabb instructed the woman to go home and for an entire month, in every interaction she had with her husband, she was to treat him like a king. No matter his response, no matter how much he deserved it, no matter how much history she had holding her back, she was to treat him like her absolute dream. After the month was out, the woman came back to Dr. Crabbs office, beaming. Dr. Crabb asked her, Do you still want to divorce your husband? Divorce? She asked, baffled. Why in the world would I want to divorce him? Hes a king!) There are several challenges to staying committed in your marriage, but they can be overcome through faith in Christ and obedience to His Word. HOW DO WE OVERCOME THE CHALLENGES TO KINGDOM COMMITMENT? So if we know in a covenant marriage that there is no easy out, what are some practical ways we can live this out? We can make some basic decisions as we move forward in our marriage. 1. We can choose to seek out Gods way in marriage by using His marriage manual, the Bible. 2. We can decide never to use the D word, even as a threat or in the heat of a fight. Divorce is just removed from our marriage vocabulary and it is no longer on the table. 3. We can determine that we would rather be in relationship with our spouse than to be right about a point were trying to make. We can choose to diffuse situations that we know wont really matter to us 100 years from now and only focus on what is eternal. 4. We can choose to love our spouse even when they arent acting terribly lovable. 5. We can decide that just because we are hurting does not mean that we will try to punish our spouse until we feel better. We will never feel better when causing pain or withholding love. True healing does not come from pulling away and making the other person suffer, but it comes from choosing forgiveness through Christ. 6. Lets face it, we all have issues that God is working on. We can choose to seek healing and focus on our own relationship with God and quit looking to our spouse to be the one to make changes.

7. We can acknowledge that we are on the same team. The devil is our real enemy, not each other. 8. We can decide that it is unfair to expect our spouse to be everything to us. We can see that it is unhealthy to need them to say the right things, to know exactly what we need, to find a way to meet our every desire. When they fail us, we can remember that it isnt because they dont love us enough. Its because theyre human. By definition, they will fail. We can embrace the fact that God is the only one who can meet the needs of our heart perfectly without failing. We can choose not to let our commitment to our husband hang in the balance of his right action. That will only exhaust us and cause us to grow bitter. 9. We can choose to keep praying and trying. Even when our partner is seemingly unmovable, even when they are mean or unlovable, we can trust God, ask Him for a miracle, and do what He says. 10. We can seek Godly counseling and accountability in our marriages. We can find other couples who are succeeding and be real with them when we are struggling. 11. We can actively counteract the worldview that were inundated with. We can sever anything that draws us away from our spouse, whether it is television shows, facebook or other social media, old contacts or unhealthy friendships We can choose to take seriously the idea of leaving and cleaving, which means to literally cling to or be glued to our spouse. And, finally, we can take the advice of this seasoned wife A young wife asked an older woman the secret of her happy marriage. Oh, thats easy the woman replied. When we were first married 50 years ago, I decided to make a list of his three worst habits and then forgive him anytime he did one of those three things. Since that time, Ive never had a reason to be angry with him or carry a grudge. Really! said the young wife. What three things were on the list? Oh, thats the funny part, the older woman said. I never did get around to writing down his three worst habits. But every time he did something that irritated me, Id tell myself, Lucky for him that ones on the list!! (CLOSING) The enemy wants you to believe the lies hes telling us: Its too hard. You might as well give up. You dont have what it takes. Youll never be happy with him. Its time for us to take a stand and stop listening to these lies. God wants us to know and believe that with Christ all things are possible. We are not those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. (Hebrews 10:39) All throughout Scripture, God tells us that things can change; life can be better. He declares with confidence, See, I am doing a new thing! I am working all things
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together for good for those who love me and are called according to my purpose. All things are possible for she who believes. (Isa. 43:19, Rom 8:28, Mark 9:23) So, what does Kingdom Commitment look like? It is a covenant, not a contract. It is lifelong. And it is not conditional. For some of us, this may take a vision transplant. We may have to have our old eyes removed and be given the eyes to see what God has commanded. We might need to start looking at our marriage in a completely new and different way. Some of us may need to repent or change the way weve thought about our lives and marriages. Your perspective may have been one of selfishness where its been all about your happiness. Some of you have broken that commitment and need to ask God for forgiveness. You may need to forgive yourself for past actions. Some of you may have to die to your dreams of what you thought marriage should be. Some of us may just need healing and a time to pour out our sorrows because your marriage has not been easy. If that is you, God is here for you. Remember, you are not alone. Your options arent only divorce or misery. There is beauty and healing to be had. Tonights message may have been hard to hear. But dont give up on the hope that Jesus has given us. We are here for you! And, if you have been hurt, breathe in the following Scriptures: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4 Let me end with this The night I completed this study, I received the following facebook message from a friend I had not heard from in 15 years. Mary! I hope you are doing well. I have a prayer request to ask of you...I need as many prayer warriors as I can get. Monday will be mine and Mark's 18 year Anniversary.
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Hard to believe. I must tell you Satan has set out to destroy this marriage. He started as early as 6 weeks into our marriage. Through the absolute GRACE of God, neither one of us has walked out, though there have been moments when I was close. Last weekend the Holy Spirit began to counsel me, telling me step by step things that I needed to be doing in my marriage. God is preparing to restore this marriage to be better than it has EVER been!!! He went so far as to instruct me to get my wedding ring out of the drawer it had been sitting in for the last 14 years, as a symbol of my commitment to the marriage. I am asking for you to please stand in prayer with me that God would begin to soften Mark's heart and prepare him for the work he would like to do. I am already expecting that he may not respond very well initially to the things I have been told to do, but God spoke VERY CLEARLY to me that I was to be OBEDIENT, no matter how Mark reacted. Thank you in advance for your faithful prayers...this is why I LOVE my sisters in Christ, because even though YEARS can go by, we still can count on one another in times of need. God Bless:) So tonight, are you looking for an out in your marriage? Are you fully committed, no matter the cost? If youre dealing with hurt or betrayal, how does God want you to seek healing for that? Are you, like my friend, willing to take the first step back into obedience and commitment to your marriage? During this time of reflection and response, please come if you need prayer for anything. Our counselors are here to meet and pray with you.